Thursday, December 29, 2011
It Broke His Entrepeneurial Spirit
Damaged Goods Spring
Hacks and Whispers
I Am Curious: Black
Audiences Who Hate Women
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Farewell, Dear Leader
From ivory perch,
arms-length musings on the East,
(U.S.A. long time):
Opaque state apparatus,
Schrodinger's cat, dead.
Orphaned, we stare a
moment of uncertainty
in its squinty eyes.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
A Holiday Greeting From Father
Dear Son Boy,
Grampy wants to remind us to bring our warm boots with us. Apparently a mountain lion has been killing some of the cattle in the field back by the old woods. Rumors are it might be a hundred year cat like the ones Gram Barnes and the first people talk about, like the one that carried off gramp's brother when he was a boy. The wind is howling and the snow is falling. We’ll hunt on the full moon.
Sure-Eyed Teetering Tom
Saturday, December 17, 2011
This Goddam Horse is Made for War
"What if the War Horse fucked like a War Criminal?" - Steven Spielberg to an incredulous John Williams
"I don't see the fuss over an old horse, I saw plenty of them as I passed the ladies powder room." - that delightful fop Noel Coward
"Why won't you let me regress?!" - Steven Spielberg grabbing his Analyst by the throat
"Well it may not be the hip thing to say, but I think animals running in war is glorious." - Rick Parry
"Snowy, these people are inferior!" - Tintin in the Congo with a disapproving Snowy
"No oats, no war, no more fun." - The War Horse leaping from the HMS Hope, Atlantic Ocean, 1919
Thursday, December 15, 2011
U.S. Toops Celebrate End of Christopher Hitchens
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ginch in the Time of Cholera
"I'll never love again." - Newt Gin Ginch, crying into his chocolate pudding, Mr. Gatti's lunch buffet
"There are so many people who I think are so sophisticated but then I look at their choice of sexual partners and I realize, no, they're not, they eat fast food just like everyone else." - New Gin Ginch to a mirror
"That's why it won't just be me on the USS Pegasus. Only strong women of will and a feeling of manifest destiny need apply." - The Ginch before being dismissed from the View
"...and if you stare into Cinnabon, Cinnabon stares also into you..."
- Ginch, Woodland Hills Mall, Tulsa, OK
"Quick, let's jerk off!" - Newt Gin Ginch, briefly alone with Rick Santorum at Thanksgiving Dinner
"Give me danger, little stranger." - Ginch in an awkward exchange with Chris Wallace, Fox News/Briggs Tech Debate
"And this is you how treat the man who puts his penis inside you?"
- The Ginch to Jackie Battley upon her diagnosis with uterine cancer
"The Obamas make love with all the passion of an afternoon workout at the gym, but our sex is like an amphibious invasion, a reptile circus." - Callista Gin Ginch
"At some point I realized that I would be alone forever, and I thought to myself, my God, it's going to be so much easier from now on." - West Georgia College Assistant Professor New Gin Ginch, days before being denied tenure
"I am the Actuary of all I Behold!" - Angela Merkel
"How bout ten fucking thousand, you hick?!"
- Willard Romney to Rick Parry
Iran Downs Drone*"My moustache still grows blonde." - New Gin Ginch
"If I was a horse, I'd fight in a war." - Steven Spielberg
Drone Downs Wedding Party"You only live once, but you die a thousand times."
- National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2012
"She thought about what she would have been in a different time. The horrible fate of the most beautiful woman in the village. Assuming she were not sold into slavery, she could escape the indentured servitude of domesticity only by way of agonizing publicity, her whole life spent resignedly catering to the pleasures of men, all sense of self externalized in their gaze, unable to touch herself except through the calloused, grasping hands of a peasant. It takes remarkable fortitude for a beautiful woman to be able to think past the next meal under such conditions." - Condaleeza Rice, No Higher Honor
“You can develop a machine, and you can move the mud, but the mud wins.” – Barack Obama
Monday, December 5, 2011
"Listen, while you sleep know that I hate you and will betray your Cause for the smallest of things." - Michael Caine to his Oscars
"I don't mean that we all end up dead, that's not the great pity. I mean that he couldn't tell me what he was dreaming, and I couldn't tell him what was real." - Deng Xiaoping to Charlie Rose, on Mao
"Progressive taxation was invented by the Jews." - Jon Kyl
Putin Declares Self 'The New Bloomberg'"When the last hair falls from my baldman's tuft, this Nation shall be cast into the Sea." - David Cameron naked with his Ministers in the Steam Room, 10 Downing St.
"If you want to keep a roof over your head, then you have to let your husband beat you." - Rick Santorum on deregulation
“My opponent’s shrill insistence on the absolute value of individual human life makes me want to wash and towel down with deer skin.”
- Rick Parry
Bloomberg Declares Self 'Putin for Life'"I mean, who are you? A parasitic, grasping, low-born social climber who does nothing but write self-gratifying pap, your only aspiration to concretely impact the lives around you: to by influence the thoughts of a vulgar, reactionary oligarchy, or of its better-looking, more 'progressive' but equally anti-democratic and ultimately impotent kid-brother bourgeoisie. No, sorry, I have nothing to say to you."
- Barney Frank at a launch party for the latest issue of The Nation
"Yeah, I know, we have a really great friendship, but what I'm saying is, that's not good enough any more. I want to fuck."
- Bill Clinton, on the limits of liberal democracy
"How was that, Nich?"
"Let's try it again, John."
"Sound. Speed. Action!"
"Any dreams you have or plans for your future, I think you're gonna have to put that on hold. For the rest of your life, you're going to be looking over your sh---wait! No! CHINESE GANGSTERS!"
- Jon Huntsman, gunned down on the set of Drive
If You Can Read This, You're Lying
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Too Much Damn Love
"A woman will come forth shortly with allegations, and I wanted you to know first, Wolf, they are false." - Herman Cain on CNN, essentially
"Gold Medals!!!" - Ginger White, leaping from the high dive, 1984 Summer Olympics Qualifying Round
"I realize that both the woman's name, Ginger White, and occupation, fitness instructor, make this appear as some kind of joke, and I assure you we are treating it as such." - John Edwards, Campaign Minister of Information
"No, no, this kind of thing would never trip me up. Cain's affairs are too normal and simple, they do not challenge the imagination and he will not escape. You need to mystify them and thrill them, give them something they'd never expect and then cum all over it!" - an increasingly excited Bill Clinton eating lunch with Jon Stewart, Scores, Midtown
"People doubted whether fucking like this was possible, but now we have shown the world!" - Mark Block
"Damn, Cain, he had it all but he wanted pussy on the reg with it!"
- Rick Parry, Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness, ID
"I wanna make you scccreeeeeaaaammmm!!!!!!!"
- Herman Cain, Live in Baghdad
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Blackest Ever Friday
Vow of Obscurity
Success, like love, I utterly reject.
To be the leaf which clogs the gutter,
Indistinguishable in decay,
That is my proper lot.
If I have driven just one of you to violence
My task is complete.
- Rick Parry, A Farewell to My Constituents
We Were Republicans
"Let the rare be for the rare." - Jon Huntsman, on his candidacy
"Philistines get ahead." - Ron Paul
"I'm not asking, 'Do you believe in God?' I'm asking, 'Are you going to church today?'" - Michele Bachmann to Rick Santorum on whether he will even bother voting
"And as they sat hand in hand, watching the sun set on Tampa, waiting expectantly for a glimpse of the green ray, they wondered if they would ever see each other again. The answer, dear reader, was yes. We shall all see each other again in Hell." - The Romance of Chastity and Tod, Superdelegates by Herman Cain
"Bilious Ass Seeks Psychotic Power Mad Wife." - Personal Ad in Reader's Digest placed by Newt Gin-Ginch, Fred Thompson, and Rudy Giuliani, 1998
Des Moines Overrun by Latin-Speaking Spiders After Gin-Ginch Rally"Capitalism, like faith, lifts us up from wretchedness to superior wretchedness." - Willard Romney
"I mean, lets be honest, the only thing less likely than Barack Obama winning is any of the people on this stage tonight winning." - Rick Parry
"Re-elected or reëlected?" - notes scrawled in pencil in the margins of a New Yorker by Barack Obama
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Glitter and Doom
"What lights on the horizon... New York City... Imperium Galactica... shimmering obelisk of our collective virility..." - Michele Bachmann, Acela Express
"Never goad the gaucho on a night of whiskey!" - Jon Huntsman, awoken from an afternoon nap, Dunlip, NH
"Supercollider, slip it inside her, big saucer eyes, knife in the wood, night in the wood..." - John Kyl freezing to death in Catalina State Park, AZ
"Do you side with Cuba, or with the renegade forces of Col. Octavio Montonyez?" - Herman Cain to frightened 23-year old GOP Super Delegate Mary Lee Davis
"I am exactly what I appear to be!" - Rick Parry, draped in lion pelt
"Truly you are the animal trainer who makes the mindless instinctual rage of the killer art in motion." - Jerry Brown to Linda Katehi
"Doctor, I'm done, I'm throwin' in the towel!""Jesus, my goddam skin itches, draw me another bath." - Mitch McConnell
"You're not dead yet, boy!"
"No, Doc, I don't want to live!"
"You ain't got a choice, boy!"
"No, Doc, no!"
"Yes, boy, yes! There's something worse than dyin', boy: you gotta keep livin'!"
- John Boehner performing surgery on a burn victim Eric Cantor
"Goddam crabs keep following me everywhere..." - Chuck Schumer
"We're the same, you and me..." - Mike Tyson to Karl Rove
"Don't listen to 'Volcano' or you'll never love again." - Orrin Hatch to Bill Paxton
"Pleasure is blackmail." - New Gingrinch
"Chem trails.... rockets in the night... am I in love... or is this just biopolitics?" - Herman Cain
Thursday, November 17, 2011
As Heard On Brooklyn Bridge
"One, two, three: Fuck the bourgeoisie! Four, five, six: Fuck the bourgeoisie!"
"Police don't beat me!"
"Pigs can fly! Pigs can fly!"
(in response to police helicopter flyover)
"Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, Occupy!"
John Brown's Body
"Can I get a temperature check on United NY?"
(unanimous down twinkles)
"All day, all week, Occupy Wall Street!"
(AFL-CIO workers at the Henry Street Ale House)
"I think I saw Ryan Gosling at Zuccotti Park! He was like, 'Hey girl, occupy my heart.'"
"Bloooooomberg, fuuuuuck you! Bloooooomberg, fuuuuuck you!"
"I had a great time tonight! Do you want to get together again some time?!"
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Theater of Cruelty
"I am more interested in theater as metaphor than as medium. All of the arts should aspire to the qualities of theater: its capacity to simultaneously transfix the imagination and expose the apparatus of representation; the mixture of intimidation and seduction by which it induces in the spectator a visceral feeling of intensity, of the reality of their physical co-presence with real bodies and real objects in a real space in real time; the threatening nature of this corporeality; the simmering sense of potential possessed by the living act."
To which the young clerk said, "But Justice Scalia, how do you reconcile such... decadent aesthetics with the textual literalism of your jurisprudential philosophy?"
To which the Justice replied, "Open your mouth, boy, and I shall show you."
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Don't Touch Me, I'm a Marxist
"I'm in the fuck business." - Larry Summers to Li Yuanchao
"Whereof one cannot speak, one must fuck." - Hu Jintao, Dr. Hu's Guide to Harmonious Fucking
"Yo, if I wanna say the Afghan government is a Tampa Bay fuck den, I'll call it like a rooster!" - The Next Commander of Afghanistan
"Every time you lick your iPod, Steve Jobs' balls tingle in Hell." - a Recent Graduate
"Accept my gift of Scouts, Willard, they will do whatever you bid. Or do you do me a dishonor?" - Rick Parry to Willard Romney
"But, Citizen Robespierre, the Revolution will eat it's own children!""What is there left to fuck?" - Schubert, upon hearing Beethoven's Late Quartets
"Baby wants to fuck!"
"Just as love in its first flowering is in a sense immortal, so loneliness lasts forever." - Paul Krugman
"We are all sodomites now." - Trojan Condoms
"No one is more come-on-to than the girl who is really cute but also still approachable-looking. I fucking hate it. It makes me want to die." - Your Barista
BrOccupy Penn State
"All that was once directly lived has become mere representation. There is no exterior to Spectacle. It is violence and destruction that we want in our own lives, the power to negate what we oppose, repel our adversaries, and defend our own existence, abilities that the State has taken from us. This is our battle to take it back, but we do not wish to take it for any representable/representational entity, be it 'Penn State,' '#occupy,' or a black bloc. These are joys, but they’re not joys of a role. We must not capture violence within the riot. Instead we must create new opacities which release violence for all." - Joe Paterno
Four girls in heels danced on the roof of a parked sport utility vehicle and dented it when they fell after a group of men shook the vehicle. College Fuck Fest shares skyrocketed.
"I die for the damn flag, creeds and leaders be damned!" - Timothy, Sigma Chi pledge
“You are hysterics who demand a new master. You will get one.”
- John Surma, Penn State University Board of Trustees Vice Chairman
"I'm not here to offer any alternative to organized protest, but rather to call into question the problematic impulse of any pretense towards creating any viable alternative to it. The negation of organization and of representation is ontological terrorism, a negation which finds the negative commune situated within the collective refusal of subjectivication, not further encroachment within it! Refusing to engage in acts of representation, but rather exploring spaces of opacity in which destruction can occur outside of any schematizing logic--this is the antipolitics of non-subjective refusal." - Jerry Sandusky
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Death By Simultaneity
"Hey, we don't have to take this shit anymore!" - Ohio/Mississippi/Maine
"Your shit is void!" - the Noble Magistrate, Nashville, TN
"When I hear the word 'progressive,' I reach for my gun."
- Noam Chomsky
“Who votes in Greece: Germans or Greeks?” - Silvio Berlusconi in a fit of thoughtfulness
"Communism is yobs plus bitter plus streets!" - David Cameron in a fugue state
"Apple is a classic Stalinist system. I give it five years ."
- Mark Zuckerberg
"Oh no, to pretend that I missed Andy Rooney would be ageist tokenism. I'll see him in Hell for sure." - Charlie Rose
"I read an article about a man who stabbed his wife and broke the knife while it was inside her chest. This, to me, is the truest failure of Chinese manufacturing." - Willard Romney, in a speech endorsing Rick Parry for President
"Fuck, marry, kill : anarchy, social democracy, Democrats."
- Ben Bernanke
"God’s love is leveling violence.” - Book of Cain 9:99
“Look, all I'm saying is, man, just remember: most instantaneous, messianic revolutions have been romantically overrated, their lingering effects underanalyzed. I mean, how confident are we that once the euphoria of triumph has faded, the movement won't just hire Paul Volcker, Bill Clinton, and Bono to stabilize an unwieldy economy? Will we climb highest mountains, scale city walls, only to fail, yet again, to find what we're looking for?" - Rick Parry, Demands Working Group
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Herman Cain Hits on You in a Taxi
"My doctor told me babies really do come from storks and fucking was just invented to sow division among labor."
"There is no ecstasy I would not deny myself in order to deny you the same."
"A man like me has many enemies. Let's get naked."
"Our lovemaking would be like removing Ray Charles from History."
“You’ve got to Occupy Wall Street from Within.”
"Oh, I haven't touched myself since I saw that new Almodovar film."
"I'm a potential rape victim. That's how I conceive of myself as a woman."
“I eat the crust.”
"We are falcon and falconer, you and I!"
“Parry’s right, it’s all about universal love.”
"Would you like to see Meek’s Cutoff with me? It’s a sort of feminist revisionist Western. It’s got Michele Williams, who I think is just a fine lady actor, and that Bruce Greenwood, whom I regard as a sort of thinking man's Michael Douglas."
"Gingrich told me you were a resume builder. Wanna be a server?"
"If you don't accept the rose of my manful charisma tonight, then I will burn Venice to the ground, dear lady."
"A squirrel waved to me in the park today. You're like a wet noodle in that dress."
"Sometimes when I get a burger I just get lettuce for the meat instead of a bun. Do you ever do that?"
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"While reports are saying between 5,000 and 20,000 protesters blocked the port, it was more like 40,000. A three mile stretch of road, four lanes wide, was filled with every variety of demonstrator. The mood was festive and triumphant. It remained so until I left at 11:30. I witnessed the occupation of the once and, now, future home of the Traveler's Aid Society at 520 16th Street. Reclamation of foreclosed houses and buildings across Oakland had been proposed at the General Assembly I attended earlier in the evening, and there was also discussion of constructing a network that could respond to calls for help in cases of eviction. The details of such interventions never came up, but it was interesting to see a small group of anarchist facilitators, strategically placed in a group of 300 protesters, guiding liberal mothers, fathers, and AskJeeves spreadsheet monkeys toward subtle, but violent rejections of imperial right. I guess what I'm asking is, after a victory like shutting down the port of Oakland, are we experiencing a unique moment of momentum that should narrow our tactics, or can we burn the banks without compromising the movement?"
- question from the audience to Martha Stewart @Google Talks
Sunday, October 30, 2011
“Where did you get that lampshade?”
“I love this lampshade. It looks just like my father’s lampshade.”
“I hate your father, and I hate you.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to sit here and look at the city like I always do. Get the hell out.”
“I’m leaving you.”
“I’m sorry, baby. Take me back.”
“That damn lampshade.”
“Ugly as our lives.”
Friday, October 28, 2011
The Streets Are Sovereign
There was no plan, no leaders. We just marched. From Zuccotti through the Financial District to City Hall, up from City Hall through Chinatown and SoHo to the Village, through the West Village, and back south through Tribeca, arriving safely and soundly back at the Occupation. The front of the march would occasionally yell to slow down or speed up, to turn left or right, and volunteers in the middle of the crowd would get people to fill in the gaps and stay together, both to keep the march impressive-looking and to keep it more secure (there is safety from police in numbers). When police vehicles tried to flank us, heroic protestors would stand in a line dead center in the road, arms and legs spread wide, throwing up peace signs, holding the cops back as we passed. If they set up a blockade in front of us, the front of the line, without ever stopping, would debate which way to go, and simply detour around them. When they tried to snatch us up, we'd just have to run straight past them--there's little seven cars of police can do to stop five hundred free people. I even heard later that protestors successfully de-arrested a few individuals who had been forcibly detained by prying them away and putting so many cameras in the cops’ faces that they were like deer in headlights. Don't believe the haters: mobs are deeply intelligent—even witty! When we confiscated one of the giant orange nets that the NYPD had used to pen in and pepper spray protestors and carried it aloft like a dragon at Chinese New Year, the chant "Whose streets? Our streets!" morphed into "Whose net? Our net!"
I started on the march solo, but soon caught up with harder-core friends at the front, as well as some veteran activists I'd met for the first time two weeks prior in a smaller march when riot police cleared Washington Square Park. Like magic (or perhaps just like the not-at-all distant past when people simply ran into each other without the aid of cell phones) I ran into friend after friend after friend, until we had our own little bloc among the masses. We were raising the temperature of politics in this country, reminding everyone how damn good it feels to be free. It was chaotic. It was wonderful. Sometimes accidents happen or the temperature gets too hot but solidarity and joy always prevail. Two guys exchanged words and got into a fist fight. Their friends pulled them apart as the whole march chanted "Peace! Peace!" and the antagonists apologized and marched on together.
You know me, I'm not at all in good shape, and as the two-hour odyssey dragged on I pushed my poor, doughy body to the edge of oblivion. "I'm going to bail at this intersection," I threatened my friends, but mostly myself, every fifteen minutes. When Michele and I had to bolt from a skirmish with riot police, I swear to God, as I sprinted in the train of that skinny fuck's wicked, wind-lashed locks, everything went blurry and I nearly hurled up the three shots of whiskey and two gourds of yerba maté that had passed as dinner that night. Later as I dashed delirious across Canal Street, the main commuter thoroughfare of Lower Manhattan, trying to get away from an oncoming column of unmarked police cars, I collided head on with another demonstrator, a bright-eyed student whose delicate looks and too-beautiful hair are not as out of place in such events as you might think. She had been running toward the police to stand with those blocking their attempt to bisect our march. Her tiny frame went flying and she landed smack on the pavement. I scooped her off the ground and we embraced in the street. I handed her her fallen cigarette. "Are you okay?" "Yes! I'm OK!" We hugged again and ran back into the fray!
We marched against traffic whenever possible, shutting down blocks and blocks of traffic in the most densely trafficked neighborhoods of the most densely trafficked city in the country. The city was electric. Motorists everywhere, especially taxi drivers, honked their horns and waved peace signs and clenched fists in solidarity. Construction site workers chanted. Revelers just out for a drink spontaneously joined in. We marched through the set of Gossip Girl in the West Village, and the teenage girls who lined the sidewalks hoping to catch a glimpse of the stars shrieked with delight when we passed and chanted, “Join us!” and they realized that they, themselves, were the real heroes. Every single sanitation and freight truck we passed blasted their massive horns. Everyone screamed and the ground shook beneath our feet. Entire city blocks resonated with the sounds of whooping, hollering, chanting, drumming, and industry. It was utterly intoxicating, and to reject such intoxication would be sheerest reaction. I've never had such fun in my life. And this is just the beginning.'
- Rick Parry, October 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Rick Parry Brigade
"It's never to late to join the bandwagon! Authenticity is counterrevolutionary!" - Willard Romney in queue for the McDonald's bathroom
"I get it, it's just like Twitter!" – Sarah Palin on the People's Mic
"Ribbit ribbit, pig." – Michael Steele at the barricades
"No one's gonna beat up emos when the Dept. of Youth is on the street!" - Rand Paul
"I got the highest score on the Civil Service exam, the answer to every question was the whip!" – NYPD Lt. Rick Santorum
"Roll the fucking dice!" - Michele Bachmann leading a snake march into Hell
"Hey Wall Street: Let's fuck!" – Ron Paul
"What kind of clothes should I wear to the Occupation?"
"Like, I dunno, a lot of yellows, some plaid, maybe a tutu and chaps, whatever the fuck you want, people are free here!"
- Mitch McConnell, Joe Lieberman
“I saw pizza everywhere, shared and unfinished!” – Herman Cain
"Be my Arab Spring." – New Gin Ginch to his fourth wife
"One day, Simba, all of this will be in rebellion against you." - Hank Paulson to Lloyd Blankfein, 2006
“I’m with the People now, uncle!”
“But then who will you lash?”
- George W. Bush, Dick Cheney
"What the fuck do you mean 'contingent upon capitalism?'"
"I said, this shit is contingent upon capitalism! All your shit is donated by people with jobs!"
"Fuck you. Everything is contingent upon capitalism. That's why they call it capitalism."
- John Boehner to a Maoist
"In conclusion, autonomist revolt is not only more desirable than social democracy but also, in the American context, easier to accomplish. Now, time for questions. Yes, you there."
"But, Mr. Huntsman, what about the state's monopoly on the legitimate use of violence?"
"Well, I'm glad you asked, you see--CHINESE GANGSTERS!"
- Jon Huntsman, gunned down at Occupy Phoenix
"People ask if I’m jealous of Herman, of his success in the polls, his new book deal. 'That coulda been you!,' they say. I say, naw, man, I’m just a regalur guy. I love Herman, power to whom, but I just don’t want what he wants. I’m not ambitious. I’m just trying to get by and sneak in a dance with Transcendence when I can, you know?" - Rick Parry, meditation circle
A Revolution Is Not a Gallery Opening
“I met this young guy, a painter or something, in a bar in Clinton Hill and he was like, I’m not goin' down to the Occupy Wall Street because that’s some mamby pamby bullshit. And he said, Rick, I hope you win, I hope everything just keeps getting worse and worse until it finally gets so bad that people finally stop protesting and start picking up guns. And I said to him, well, fella, I appreciate yer support, but I gotta say, ONE: if you ain't like to go out to some mamba pamby hold hands and drum circle bullshit protest, I got a hard time believin yer ever gonna pick up a gun, and, TWO: if yer the type a fella that can't express himself except by pickin up a gun, well I just ain't sure I can trust you to wield ANY kind of violence responsibly whether its legitimate, revolutionary, or whatever.” – Rick Parry
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Into the Black
The Turkish army responded with an air-supported operation against the fighters in Iraq's northern Qandil mountains, with both airstrikes and soldiers on the ground employed."You know, I just can't drink whiskey like I used to could. My ole belly just ain't no count. Get the shits every time." - Charlie Rose to Thom Friedman, Rainbow Row, Charleston, SC
'As of now, wide reaching operations, including hot pursuit operations, are continuing in the region within the framework of international law,' Recep Tayyip Erdogan, the Turkish prime minister, told a news conference on Wednesday.Amanpour: What's wrong, Charlie?
Blitzer: Yeah, Charlie, what's wrong? Why aren't you dancing?
Morgan: Yeah, this is your favorite song.
Cooper: These are your favorite thighs.
Amanpour: Charlie, are you okay? Charlie?
Rose: (as though in a trance) Yes... No... I'm fine.
- Scores, Ibiza
Speaking on Turkish television, Erdogan appealed for calm from the Turkish people, and said that it was 'very clear that this terrorist organisation [the PKK] is a piece in the hands of certain powers'. He did not elaborate on who those 'powers' were.When stronger states invite themselves over to the house of a weaker state without pinging first, Charlie Rose, alone in the void of veiled truth and infinite darkness, puts out his Safe Cig© with the heel of his size 14 1/2 boot, draws a pack of Lucky Strikes© from the inside pocket of his impeccably tailored, though more than slightly wrinkled, double-breasted suit jacket designed by his dear friend Tony Burch©, observes his tired, bent reflection in his Ravenscroft© snifter of Suntory Yamazaki© 18 Year Old Single Malt, and, seated back to void across the table from an empty seat backed by void, longs to be invaded.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Heart of Darkness
"It's not racist if it's racism." - Rick Parry
"I don't think I'd put government money into Solyndra but I know everyone who votes for me in the primary will get a free large pepperoni pizza and a bottle of vodka." - Herman Cain, Live at Niggerhead Unplugged
"Coat hangers." - Michele Bachmann
I am limitless flatness. I am West Texas. I am Jean-Baptiste Lully. I am the Branch Davidian. I am Ronald P. Stanton. I am the white glove on the Invisible Hand. I am the Denial of Death. I am Rick Santorum, and I'm running for President."A great calm accompanies cessation of belief in oneself, a calm attributable to the removal of the burden of authenticity, of any obstacle to the guilt-free pursuit of one's own material comfort, the abandonment of any meaningful or socially useful enterprise, even of any socially harmful but respectably ambitious enterprise." - Mitt Romney contemplating his last chance, the Bonneville Flats
"Youth is truly over." - Jon Huntsman upon realizing he no longer loves his wife
"I'm talking Hail Mary, end zone shit: gas masks, iodine, canned meat, sodomy." - Ron Paul stumping in an abandoned missile silo
"When I come down on you with the whip the look on your face will be priceless." - Newt Gin Ginch
There Is A Storm Coming
"How can revolution arise without the aid of crisis? How can the Left break the unacknowledged vicious cycle of this reliance on calamity in the real circumstances of the present? The answer lies in finding crisis under disguise, not in the great collective catastrophes of war and economic ruin but in the hidden tragedies of individual anguish, fear, insecurity, and incapacity, repeated many millions of times over in the life of contemporary society. Almost everyone feels abandoned. Almost everyone believes himself to be an outsider, looking in through the window at the party going on inside. Flexibility—the watchword of the orthodoxy of markets and globalization—is rightly understood to be a code word for the generalization of insecurity. The parties that claim an historical connection with the Left are seen to oscillate between a shamefaced collaboration with this program of insecurity, in the hope that through growth it will generate resources that can be redirected to social spending, and a half-hearted, weakened defense of traditional social contracts. This fear, justified by plain fact, defeating hope, poisoning attitudes to the outsider, and expressing an immense and unredeemed waste of energy amounts to a crisis. It is lived out, for the most part silently, within the minds of individuals." - Roger Ebert
"Help, Michael Shannon is my father!" - A. O. Scott
Monday, October 10, 2011
We Choose To Go To The Moon
Slavoj Žižek appeared today to give what many will surely come to consider the 21st century Sermon on the Mount. Thousands of eager youths crowded around the glowing, nearly effervescent newly-anointed king of hipsters. Women flocked to his feet, ripping at their garments to wash away the blood of battle from the soiled Slovenian. As he spoke, a slightly organic gurgling of the sort a child might hear emanating from his closet late at night, the crowd wept. He fed on their tears and continued, rejuvenated.
"I love you all... even in all this filth. I see you here, you bedraggled masses, crumbled at my very feet. You, with your fedoras and Ray-Bans, you with your Nietzsche, you with your Kant, you with your iPod and your headphones to match. I see you all and wish you well. This goddamn Wall Street can go to hell."
"We LOVE YOU!!!!" the crowd shouted.
"I see you there... you with the cameras and the soy and the bikes. You with the haircuts and the ramen and the non-fat chai lattes. I see you crowded around that Asian fusion food truck with high-waisted tight pants and ironic tees. I see you all, and yet, I feel nothing."
"You are ours" the crowd hissed.
"You need a job? Go ask Lacan."
"You are ours" as they lurched towards him.
"Let them eat iPhones."
The seething and beautiful horde came closer and closer still.
"We are yours."
"Then come my children, for I alone am yours."
The feast began.
He tasted like pork, but it felt like victory.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
No Revolution Without Cynicism
"At last we become the object of our desires." - Brooklyn
"Efficacy is a macho fantasy." - Seattle
"We want your jobs!" - the underemployed
Bloomberg Calls for 'Age of War'
"The wall (street) at the end of history is insurmountable."
"Aren't you a fucking television critic?"
- Ginia Bellafante, Glenn Greenwald
"I don't know who to trust!" - Howard Stern
Mounted Police Defect, Demand Tribute From Nearby Duane Reades
"Behind every leaderless revolt is a hierarchy of fucking." - Billy Ayers
"If you loved the birth of the Revolution, wait till you eat the placenta." - Thom Friedman at the Bloomberg Battle Dome
"The light at the end of the tunnel is black." - Michele Bachmann
"The Revolution was worth the come down, baby!" - Jean-Paul Marat
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Death Is The Accelerator
"If feminist struggles have been constantly deprioritized in theory and practice it is surely because of their idealistic recoil from the currency of violence, which is to say, from the only definitive 'matter' of politics. The state apparatus of an advanced industrial society can certainly not be defeated without a willingness to escalate the cycle of violence without limit. It is a terrible fact that atrocity is not the perversion, but the very motor of such struggles: the language of inexorable political will. A revolutionary war against a modern metropolitan state can only be fought in hell." - Michele Bachmann
"I have lived my whole life believing that I would get to do it all over. The more I come to accept that I won't, the more I crave vengeance against God and Man." - cyborg Ron Paul, Galveston Biodome
"It is nonsensical to speak of a machine as having an interest in self-preservation, much less a right to it. Any attempt to retrofit an anthropocentric vocabulary to the glorious Machine Future is not only cognitively untenable but also powerless against the hellfire of a self-targeting 50 caliber machine gun turret. What is needed is a language that would allow us to intelligibly weigh the value of a Predator drone against that of the life of an anti-aircraft gunner. This can only be done on the basis of their shared status as units of production in the manufacture of death, raw materials, instruments of a post-biopolitical regime in which the boundaries between life and un-life have been erased and all things tend in a rationalized delirium towards consummating extinction. But what ever was a soldier else than a mere avatar of a state (or terrorist) war machine? Intelligent machines give the lie to human agency. It is not the machines that are inhuman but ourselves. It is time to put to bed the bedtime story of Human Rights and awake to the nightmare that we have been living all along. Autonomous robot death swarms now."
- visionary war criminal Michael Hayden
Hedge fund manager survivalists could take a lesson from Naomi Klein in the say way Umair Haque takes a lesson from Marx. Disaster spells opportunity--personal survivalism is thinking far too small. American financiers can't seem to get a grip on anything: they descend from the loftiest heights of abstract, speculative value to primitive commodity fetishism, equally intangible, only-apparently more immediate. These few remaining tattered strands of socialization hold the financiers back from becoming that which they are always in the process of becoming. Nietzsche would be appalled.
Chinese factories will sink beneath the weight of macroeconomic forces beyond their circumscribed control. The truest future is that of this country's totalitarian destiny: untapped natural resources, spectacular militarization, and a depraved public starving for an eroticized singularity.
It is here, amidst the stench of decline, that we will become that which we have always almost been. It is time for mankind to stand before the depths of hell only to back down pathetic, helpless, alone, and without a reason to die or remain alive.
Rick Parry 2012. Don't just speed up the future. Annihilate it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Damn, I don't have any will to try this online dating thing again. Once something works out better than expected why bother doing it again." - Scott McClellan
"I don't go on dates, I take downers." - Bill Maher
"I want a girlfriend to breakup with." - from the diary of Barack Obama, spring 1989
"Pigs have love!" - Rick Parry
"There's plenty of fish in the sea, but they're all full of mercury." - Ted Turner
"Woman... woman... woman... crocodile!" - Field Marshall Tantwani
"I prefer to ignore Beyonce's existence, otherwise I would be driven mad with desire." - Chris Martin
"God, we're getting old! Soon women will stop being beautiful!" - guest editor Danny Tamberelli
"Waste money on me and I will love you forever." - the Artist/Woman
"Dating out of your league feels so great, but when you see a person a league above you do the same, you hate them so much for it, they seem so disgusting, so revoltingly superficial and yet so oblivious to their obvious, sickening superficiality, and then you see yourself for what you really are: the same." - Dennis Kucinich
Monday, September 19, 2011
Roses are red, violence is too.
"All you need for a film is a gun and a gun" - Samuel Fuller, Mad Dog.
"You love like a sledgehammer / You hate like the vice squad" - Sam Peckinpah, Crimson River Sonnets
"If I have to say action one more goddamned time, this grip gets it... Action." - Terrence Malick, Terrence Malick's Big Bang
"All I see in this eye anymore is deep red." - John Ford, The Dick Cavett Show
"What if we shoot her in the neck with an arrow instead of throwing acid on her this time? Is that sexier??" - Anthony Mann, Big River Rambler
"Violence is love, love is hate, hate is money, money is power, power is violence..." - Andy Rooney, The Basement Tapes
"Love is all around, but violence is king" - The Troggs, Wild Things: Rarities and Outtakes from the Golden Age of Radio
"My films aren't about violence, my films are about fucking." - John Milius, Sound and Vision
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Damned Don't Cry
"Motorcycle battles, that's how you and I will go, a fiery but honorable death defending Greensboro." - Gary Johnson to Howard Coble
"Haw haw haw to the death!" - Saxby Chambliss
"...maybe I'm crazy... maybe we're all dead already... maybe this is Hell..." - John Boehner yachting with Cee Lo Green in Nantucket
"The Internet is empty!" - Ron Paul
"I dread getting old, for I know that when I do, I will realize that I was never young." - Eric Cantor
"I am heartened by the jury's decision, for it reassures me that the freedom to do Evil still exists." - OJ Simpson on Casey Anthony
"I'm so afraid. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."
"You have to."
- Tim Pawlenty, Willard Romney
"At Davos, Sasha Obama told me the Gate of Hell is in the basement of the Scores in Ibiza!" - Paul Krugman undergoing diabetic shock from too much wedding cake, Shanghai
"Do not jump into the furnace! Just gaze at into its luminance until you go blind." - Sheikh Cornelius Vanderbilt to Rick Parry
"I know you love her but every horse has to go to the glue house." - Newt Gin Ginch to his daughters on Jackie Battley, September 1980
"September showers bring... overflowing sewers clogged with dead leaves... a city choking to death on its own vomit..." - Michele Bachmann crawling home from a loft party in Bushwick
Monday, September 12, 2011
Touch Me and Live Forever
"Like, wut if ay was gonna talk to yeur daughter bout Fuck?"
- Rick Parry to Willard Romney
"My dick is my own." - Herman Cain
"Martha Argerich." - Richard Nixon on the greatest lay he ever had
"Cut me!!!" - Ron "the Razor" Paul on the House floor in a wedding dress
"Debate me!!!" - shirtless Theodore Roosevelt stabbing a buffalo to death with a spear
"Lay me down and take me to wife."
- Rick Parry to a mirror, the Reagan Bedroom
"I waver back and forth between not believing in God because he does not exist and not believing in God because he does exist and I hate him, hate him because he made this ugly world and doesn't have the decency to destroy it, to destroy it!, because if he did, if he did destroy it, it would mean that at least there was some one watching, but there isn't, he isn't, no one is, no one is watching because God doesn't exist and I hate him for not existing!"
- Michelle Bachmann dropping E on The View
Sunday, September 11, 2011
"Listening to Watch the Throne makes me want to buy a bunch of shit I can't afford with credit cards." - Phil Collins
"Listen, Cube, we can do this. Black people will drink Coors Light!"
- Pete Coors to Ice Cube
"Look at my eyes, doctor! I'm sick! I'm Evil!" - Cee Lo Green
"I wrote four novels yesterday, fuuuuuckkkkk!" - Balzac
"I was into jazz but then someone told me that hard writing hard running motherfuckers live forever." - Haruki Murakami
"I love your dialogue, you've got a great ear for the way people actually talk."
"You've got great tits."
- Jonathan Franzen drunk at Book Club
They found Boehner on the Capitol dome with a bottle of Jack and a nine, muttering, "Murder murder murder she wrote...""I went into my bathroom after getting back the other day and found a massive spider sitting on my hand towel, it was striped, wicked, and arrogant. Though in my underwear I killed the bastard straight."
- Rick Parry
"...seduce a chambermaid, murder the duke, found a colony..."
- from the Emergency Diary of Ron Paul
"Success is illegitimate." - Warren Buffet
"I traded in my dick and all I got was this lousy MFA!" - your son
"Pretend it isn't demeaning."
- Marlon Brando on how to be a great actor
"I am the Roger Ebert of cinema." - Werner Herzog
"Just as every great nation has its founding crime, so every great man has his, usually the abandonment of his mother or enslavement of his wife." - Judd Apatow
"Violence against women is entertaining." - Eli Roth
"I didn't realize that women could do anything." - Zach Snyder
"Masculinity is passivity." - Elliot Gould
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Boom Time for Roofin' in Virginia
"Sufferin' succotash, what was that?" - Rep. Barney Frank, Boston, MA
"Shatterin' china and swaying chandaliers in Dixie, oh my Lo'd have mercy me!" - Sen. Richard Burr
"Did you feel that?"
"Yes! I felt it! It was so erotic!"
"I can't feel anything."
"Yes, I noticed your face didn't jiggle."
- Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner
Tuesday-Sized Earthquake Gently Jostles East Coast"...for a fleeting moment everything felt right with the world..." - from the opium diary Michael Bloomberg
- Los Angeles Times
"Turn off the dark!" - Julie Taymor, awaking with a start
"Jesus Christ, calm down, you people are acting like a bunch of Los Angelinos in the snow." - Frank Sinatra Jr. in a bathrobe, Midtown Manhattan
"I told you you'd pay, you bitch." - Jimmy Carter seen shaking his fist at the National Cathedral
"What the hell now it's just a shake, why aren't you kids back in school?"
"Twitter said that the wrath of God makes the social compact no longer viable." - Arne Duncan and a group of adolescents, Washington D.C.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Open Your Mouth for His Hands
"What if I created something out of bounds? Something I couldn't control. It represents my secret wish and my doom all in one. Wolfowitz told me the Jews call it... Golem."
– Karl Rove sweating uncontrollably at the Ranch, Paint Creek, TX
"With one foot I walk the path of Righteousness, and with the other the path of Wickedness, following in the footsteps of the Christs, seers, and kings who came before, leading me to the palace of Glory."
– Rick Parry
"Drinking red wine so early, I'm surprised, Govern–"
– Karl Rove and Rick Parry
"There is nothing on this earth like a boy gymnast's ass."
– President Parry, 2016 Rio Olympics
“Al Jaz calls Perry the ‘French cuff cowboy,’ which, I have to say, only makes me like him more.” – Anderson Cooper
"Do you love me, Rick?"
"You know, Jazz makes me want to dress like a better man."
– Anjelica Huston, Rick Parry
"When I listen to Bach, especially the keyboard works, it confronts me with the perfection of human Reason and makes me indifferent to the suffering of my fellow man."
- Duke Rick Parry
"After our debate I lost the one thing that has stayed true in my public life: I could no longer light trees afire with my mind."
- Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison
"Vacuums cannot exist for God is everywhere." - Dr. Rick Parry
"I met him at the Governor's Conference one year. I told him how I played with Prince one night at that club, but he just laughed and gurgled, 'I fucked Morris Day!'" - Tim Polenta
"Evolution is a swindle on your daughter! Make sure she gets her shot, or she'll get the box pox!" - Rick Parry
"Play ball! Make love!"
- Rick Parry, Little League Baseball World Series
"...you can't look at it without feeling like you're touching it, you can't touch it without not knowing what you're feeling. The same glare reflects off an oiled bare arm and snakes' green scales. You'd have to be a real dolt not to find the confusion frightening, erotic. Inside that image is all the beauty she will ever lose, the beauty that has rendered her invisible, at times even to herself, though in losing it she will find no respite, no residue of a true self--ugly but loveable--left behind, because the appearance of being-there is all that ever was. 'Take, take, take,' said their eyes, and the harder they grasped at it the more her heart constricted in retreat until–though not 'at last'–it fell into itself and grew ever harder and more compact, warping everything around it and dragging it all down in the deepening hole. If you put your finger in, you would never get it back... "
- Rick Parry emerging after forty nights in the desert
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
One Down, One Up
"I never got laid either!" - Beethoven
"Vienna is just a sugarshack, baby." - Liszt
"I didn't even write this, I just made love to my cousin and it burst forth from my forehead!" - Wagner
"Hoodlum lady, will you bless this reed with a kiss?"
"That shit don't swing!"
- Trouble at the Half-Note with Hank Mobley
"Artist, if you dare cross the Smooth then you go to a place where Jazz cannot save thee." - Creed Taylor
Stan Getz Denounces Brazil on Death Bed,
War Declared on Cool Jazz
"I am the Night!" - Chopin emerging from the flames of Warsaw
"I am the Sun!" - Coltrane jumping off a Chinatown roof with a Hi-Fi blasting Bach cantatas
"I'm disoriented and lost in a barn!"
"Alright! Now let's see you suffer in 4/7 time."
- Dave Brubeck and God in Job: An Ecclesiastical Happening
Smooth Bossa Nova Stylings of Tom Jobim Kill Twelve
"I haven't shit in twelve years!" - Arthur Schoenberg
"I can't stop shitting!" - Philip Glass
"This shit is a gondola ride on a river of opium and blonde hair."
- Johnny Hartman on Lush Life
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Dispatches from Doom, IA
"To each her own path to Power, so long as bloody Terror result!"
- Sarah Clytemnestra Palin
"Now that I've joined the field, we can reliably say that, statistically speaking, at least one of the Republican hopefuls is gay." - Rick Parry
Mitt Romney Asked to Leave Holiday Inn Hot Tub
"I think I lost my headache." - Michele Bachmann, skin shriveling away to reveal a throng of snakes
Playing Lute: Tim Polenta Spied Leaving Ames Followed by 400 Missing Children
"Be still my heart, this is a sight not meant for the eyes of civilized men." - Chris Wallace taken to the Gold Chamber, Ron Paul Farms
Rand Paul Moves to Replace Elections with Trial by Ordeal
"I swear to God that raccoon had clothes on!" - Rick Santorum, emerging from woods
Little Caesar Crosses Mississippi River, Herman Cain Declares War
"I can't eat an ear of buttered corn, it reminds me too much of Little Newt!" - the Gin Ginch
"Chinese gangsters!" - Jon Huntsman, gunned down at Henry Kissinger's Hot Chile Contest
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"You'll come for the free jeans. You'll stay for the insurrection."
- Liam Gallagher
"What a great excuse to re-listen to The Clash!" - Harry Wales
Libyan Rebels Take Tottenham Hale"Soon all will be Chav City and good men mere cell phone stores."
- David Cameron
"Yobs or bobs, bitch. Can you choose?" - HM to David Cameron
"Shut down the social network?! Can you really say that out loud? Isn't that a bit Arab?" - Prince Philip
Boris Johnson Declares Self "Johnny Quest," Flogs Hadji"Fair's fair, right?" - Nick Clegg, looting signed copies of Hot, Flat, and Crowded from a newsagent's shop
"I know you didn't kill him! I know!" - rioters to Boris Johnson
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Plagiarized by the Past
"All that you can do in your life is decide--assuming that there is any part of your mind capable of free action and not entirely overdetermined by unconscious drives, ideological programming, or deterministic biological processes--to what larger historical tendency--of which you may not have any real knowledge--you will contribute your individual effort, while keeping in mind that every aspect of that tendency, including the efficacy of your own actions in and upon it, remains fundamentally outside of your control."
- Bill Clinton, If You Can Read This You're Lying, 2011
"Humans in modern societies are driven by a perhaps desperate hope that they might find some way of mobilising their theoretical and empirical knowledge and their evaluative systems so as both to locate themselves and their projects in some larger imaginative structure that makes sense to them, and to guide their actions to bring about what they would find be to satisfactory (or at any rate 'less unsatisfactory') outcome or to improve in some other way the life they live. Furthermore, many modern agents would like it to be the case that they form of orientation which their life has is, if not 'true,' at least compatible with the best available knowledge, and they would like the principles by which they guide their action to be in some kind of contact with reality, although anyone would be hard put to say precisely what was meant by that. Both the extent to which this hope is present in a certain group and the extent to which it can be realised are empirical matters, although one would have to be extremely sanguine to expect it to be realised to any significant extent."
- Raymond Geuss, Philosophy and Real Politics, 2008
Saturday, August 6, 2011
"Shut the fuck up--football's back on!"
- The Editors
"Consistency is counterrevolutionary. Blame is counterrevolutionary. Without opportunism, History stands still." - Barack Obama
"I eat cake so that you don't have to." - Col. Q
"The Madhi and I will run the sack race together in the illustrious temple of paradise!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
- Saif al-Islam el-Qadaffi, Khalid Kaim
"I can't believe this is happening! All I ever wanted was to feast until I die!" - Ali Abdullah Saleh
"The Egyptian Army is the new black." - the Spanish Police
"People are cops, too." - Field Marshall Tatwani
"Short outbursts of violence are meaningless libidinal expression. Naive enthrallment to myths of consistency, authenticity, and integrity. The illusion of action. Violence is pure image, and the pure image is that which can support any interpretation. Organized violence prevails because it is semiotically consolidated and leaves little room for alternative interpretation. The right-wing militia need not even act and it exerts spectacular influence, whereas the spontaneous occupation may undermine itself in acting. What's more, to command the language of violence requires, as with any language, mastery of its unwritten rules: subtext, dirty jokes, permissible exceptions. Unless they are willing to commit secretive, extralegal violence, the Liberals will never win. " - David Frost
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What Is an Artist?
Classical musicians: Up-tight, ambitious squares. Doctors.
New Music musicians: Having implicitly resigned from the institutional rat race, they are the cool, if slightly embarrassing, high school teachers of the art world.
Rock musicians: Losers. Of all artists, they are the most likely to squander their entire life's potential in pursuit of their art, insensible to more socially meritorious endeavors (Actors take second prize).
Hip-hop musicians: The true Princes and soldiers of Pop.
Jazz musicians: Museum guards.
Theater artists: Prissy, tasteless faggots (America). Rapists (Europe).
Novelists: Arrogant nebbishes who, regarding themselves more as public intellectuals than artists, are consequently inconsequential as either.
Short story writers: Civil servants, clerks, petty bureaucrats. Superfluous men.
Architects: Bootlickers, bishops, and Bolivarists.
Dancers: Inscrutable and insignificant, no one curious to know one who doesn't, they are the Mormons of the arts.
Filmmakers: Jocks, ringmasters, Romantic composers. The only truly popular artists, working in the only truly relevant artform.
Conceptual/media artists: Illiterate novelists, better dressed and funded.
Designers: Not, to their credit, artists.
Painters/sculptors: Libidinal formalists carrying the torch of fucking and fighting for the entirety of the dead arts.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Charlie Rose Interviews Classic Golfer's Reasoning
"I'm taking my tie off because this is the pure shit. Arnold Palmer, the whole world in front of him, champion of golf, what wouldn't you fuck?" - Charlie Rose
"We did everything you could together. One time we experimented like Prussians on a drifter." - Phil Mickelson, on the verge of tears, discussing his departed golfing guru Green McKnave
"What so electrified people about your golf connection, you were looked on like lightning, are you a locomotive?" - Rose in the Last Rec Room
"Assess your swing, lord of metal."
"An early influence, a violent encounter?"
"I learned my swing from an old blind veteran, who learned his from a negro what he freed during the War Between the States!"
"But that was just the beginning....?"
"One time, I'll tell you, me and Bob Drummond, you know the story..." ::Rose laughs knowingly:: "...I bogeyed after 12 games and Bob gave me his crystal driver..."
"Right, right..." ::chuckles::
"I drove the green 10,000 yards, 12 bronchial puts, a lard biter, and the crowd kept growing. Well, here comes old Bob. I says, 'What are you doing here?' He shoots my caddy with a mauser and we just broke up."
"Jack Nickalus: when did you meet, she sells, make it?"
"Well, Jack is younger than me and has the look of the hasidim. We really hit it off and became true foes. Charlie..." ::chuckles:: "...I'd sacrifice all my children to make him serve me the head of Tiger Woods like John the Baptist."
- Rose and Arnold Palmer
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Among Men Only/Skinny Girls Whinging
"Let's get off!" - Jeff Goldblum, prepping on the set of The Fly
"Nah, bro, we can fuck each other as long as its part of the ritual!"
- Johann Gottfried von Herder to J. W. Goethe during the Rites of Naked Devilry
“Men are lonely, but women are objects.”
“You won’t be lonely when you’re dead.”
- Judd Apatow, Ryan Gosling
"I thought I had the VD the other day, but it turned out I just really had to pee."
"Yeah, well, my baby don't film me no more."
- Norman Mailer and Robert Frank eating cake
“Will you sink my battleship?” – Nick Clegg to David Cameron
"It was watching Basic Instinct that first got me interested in politics."
- Michele Bachmann
"Life begins at sodomy." - Michael Douglas
"Goddamn, four miles on the mill and the steel machine! The gym looks out over the pool, there was a sullen skinny brunette and a big nasty blonde!"
“Women are only beautiful when they cry.”
"I don't know, crying women frighten me. I think it stems from seeing my mother having a couple crying jags from the stress of getting screaming children to school."
"Entirely understandable. I probably would have killed you."
"Yeah, she handled it better than I would have. 'Senator Arrested for Smoking Joint with Children in HOV Lane.'"
"That puts me in mind of the time we smoked out your van."
"Oh, man, I got in trouble for that. Whatever, Mom and Dad, I got laid!"
- the Editors
“Whoever writes this piece of shit need to stop sublimated and just get on OK Cupid.” – Admiral Mike “Dad” Mullen
Monday, August 1, 2011
Manufactured and Unnecessary
"Hey, it's gonna work out, man, Giffords is here!"
"Wait, is that Pee-wee Herman?"
"Yeah! And Kurt Russell too!"
- Steny Hoyer and Jimmy Duncan
"Nothing like a good 'crisis,' right, Eric?" - Mitch McConnell breastfeeding Eric Cantor, Chaff Gardens, Bohemian Grove
"Can a man kill History as he would a Beast?" - Steve King to his astrologer
"The Legislative Branch brings to mind nothing less than a naked old man in a bathtub being attacked by a bat during a power outage." - George McGovern
"Am I Lula or just Paul Krugman?" - Barack Obama
"Today, I used a Canadian quarter to buy a slice and spent the rest of day in bed overcome with guilt, I thought I was going to die." - Paul Krugman
"Our only hope now is to build a giant abacus of skulls and drown our daughters in the sea." - Warren Buffet
"Unngghh, unngghhh, uuhhhh!!! The Light! Put it out!!!" - Michelle Bachmann enduring a crippling migraine
"I'll see you all next year at Beaver Creek!" - John Boehner from the deck of the USS Coconut, 112th Congress Send-Off Cruise
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Very Honest, Loving Child
“The problem is partisanship, both sides can't agree, they need to make tough choices and sacrifice their sacred cows, country first blahhh blllurrr goooo ahhhh zzzzzzz……” - Barack Obama
"I had a dream that all the Senators just made love for the sake of feeling not fashion, the House was full of flowers, and the President was a beautiful horse, we could ride him.” – John Boehner
“People who clamor for those richer than themselves to pay less taxes than themselves ought be annihilated.” – Dennis Kucinich on Democracy Now
“I was never one for hope, but whatever the slightly more reasonable alternative to hope is, I have lost even that.” – John McCain
“What I’m saying is, if you keep a Border Collie in a Bay Area apartment with nothing to do, it very quickly goes insane.” – Nancy Pelosi, chewing a hole in the Senate Chamber wall
"My piss is white as snow." - Eric Cantor
“I'm going to become a satrap of the Persian Emperor and eat grape leaves until I die of pleasure.” - Jay ‘Coyote Ugly’ Carney
“God, I hate packing, I'll just bring eight scarves and a whip.” – Larry Summers fleeing to Macau
John Boehner: But, Barry, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Barack Obama: What happened?
John Boehner: He lived happily ever after.