Thursday, January 29, 2015

History's Greatest Monsters

"Would I vote for Hitler? It's a complicated question. Today, of course not. But in 1933? I don't know." - Lance Armstrong

"Theo, my son, let me tell you the facts of life: money and power trump everything." - Dr. Huxtable tells Theo how to pay off a woman with Monopoly Money

"Cos, say it isn't so!" - a 12-year-old boy before being murdered by the police

"Someone needs to take up LBJ's side for once. He really wanted to help those people." - the Liberal Media on Selma

"This year, I resolve to communism better to my friends and family."
- Stalin, New Years Eve, 1935

“Shoot a pheasant or shoot your friends--just shoot a target.” - Cheney

"Only a Great War can give me meaning now." - Lance joins ISIS

"I spy a lie!" - Lance Armstrong barges into Bill Cosby's trailer

"Dreams are for organ donors." - Cheney

"What is it darling?"
"I had the most terrible nightmare. Bill Cosby was a rapist!"
- Tipper and Al, 1992

“Decency won’t save us.” - Cheney

"As long as the heat's on Cosby then it's off of me." - Robert Wagner

"I can only sympathize with animals as pets." - Cheney

"No WMD's? Don't care. Torture? Don't care. Deflated footballs? Don't care. We ‘won.' Go Pats.” - Tom Brady

"You don't understand, Wolf, my daughter being a lesbian effects me--a unique individual whom we all know. That's the tragedy of it." - Cheney

"Who cares about one loose wire showing in an entire universe of spectacular bullshit!?" - Paul Krugman fired after first appearance on NFL Gameday

"People always ask me, Are you sorry? Would you do it again? What about the innocents? It's increasingly tiresome and ridiculous. You never hear anyone ask mold why it ruins bread." - Cheney

"We dream of Anarchy and all its deliciously violent solutions. For us, however, the violence will offer no respite but only prolong the difficulty. The world we dwell in has only one problem: that of Power." - David Addington, blind and in the dress of a beggar, GW Bridge

"I mean, how big a deal is this compared to grown men causing each other brain trauma for five months out of the year?" - Belichick

"Look everything's fucked. It always was, and it always will be. You can cry about it, or you can take advantage of it." - Lance

"Actually, it's about ethics in TV journalism." - Bill Cosby

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Next Republic

“Is there anything more moving than the sight of global elites wielding their power as one? They are like beautiful animals...” - Ross Douthat

"Today we can truly say: France exists." - CNN

“Today we are, reluctantly, all French.” - David Cameron

“I am Chelsea Manning.” - Barack Obama

“Je suis Charlie.” - de Gaulle

“Moral horror always masks hypocrisy. Hatred, at least, is honest.”
- Marine Le Pen

"Let's be real: we all totally and justifiably blame Islam for this."
- George Packer to Bill Maher, Hot Tub Sex Machine

"Next they will come for my hair!" - BHL

“Let’s not lose sight of what’s really important in the Hebdo affair: critiquing the social media presence of white liberals in America.”
- Left Command

“Before you dismiss these cartoons as merely inflammatory, you should understand their place in the incredibly rich and nuanced tradition of French racism.” - Charles Murray

"Comedy is the solicitation of consent." - Charlie Hebdo

“It’s a kind of Handmaid’s Tale for white men.” - Michel Houellebecq

“I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to symbolically denigrate the Algerian underclass.”
- Voltaire

“The concept of freedom of speech is particularly unsuited to cartoons since these are beneath speech: literate grunting, drool-patterns smeared onto the page, moans of malice or lust which cannot escape the self-indulgent juvenility of their origin. Cartoons are a plant-medium for plant-people, and enlightenment would be to ban them all.” - Plato,

“What greater ecstasy could there be than marching side by side with the police?” - Bill deBlasio

"What does this great march, bringing together people of all races, colors, and creeds in an incoherent storm of political affect, a swirling mass united only by its contradictions, signify but the enduring, obscure, ineffable power of the Nation?" - Éric Zemmour

"Nationalism is the magical mirror that reflects all narcissisms as they wish to be seen." - Marianne

“Everyone thinks the Nation will save them, but there is no escape from other people.” - Gerard Depardieu, Adieu au langage 2ème partie: Koni’s Revenge

"If only I could be a part of something like this." - Putin, wistfully to the Soviet-era cathode ray tube television he keeps for special occasions

“Why is it only a ‘tragedy’ when it’s white people who die?”
”Because only for them could it have been different.”
- Bill Bratton sits PO Daniel Pantaleo down for the talk

“We love the Jews for the same reason we used to hate them: to prove how French we are.” - Manuel Valls

"I look out and I see a nation of people with one face this day. In the face of this outrage we will come out as one. Fuck you Piketty, not taking the Legion. Our gallant men of arms killed the dogs and we show this fine tradition of it forever, and that is Europe."
- François Hollande

"Why do we have twenty fingers and toes? Because there are 24 hours in a day and your family eats four of them." - Sarkozy at home

Friday, January 9, 2015

Sky Mall, New Year 2015
(A Story Book About Your Child1)

A welcome alternative to napping on
The cold floor or hard cement patio:2
The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock.3
Breath operates up to 24 hours
In the low mode,4 standing safely on the floor.5
It hauls you out of bed every morning6
Without the requisite frostbite,7 makes any
Home feel like it has been transported.8
Large animals that cause false signals9 turn
Good intentions into lifelong habits.10
Hold it firmly in place without scratching,11
Emit the finest mist,12 roll effortlessly
To the curb13 your outdoor breathing experience.14

You know your baby looks good enough to eat,15
Will claw his way out of your garden plot.16
Let your little one burn some rubber17
Dreams of bones circling around his head.18
Project your life:19 the next best thing to the womb20
Will make your neighbors and passersby look twice.21
Children quickly learn the virtues of life22
Without soldering, wiring or programming.23
YEEEE-HA! Your kids will wrangle like true cowboys24
There's no cord to hide,25 no tools required26
Be a hero even when you sleep—27
Brilliant displays of iron nerve28
Illuminate the night with a personal touch.29

NEW! Women need their own signs too,30 anything
With a void becomes a speaker.31 What's your passion?32
Get all your knives sharpened,33 cut
The cord this winter.34 Your hometown's in pieces!35
Look who the trees are rooting for!36 Consider
A faux tree33 that repeats anything said
To it back in a cartoonish voice.37 In all
My years as a private detective, I've never
Seen anything like this,38 the faceless watch,39
Reactive surfaces38 (these overworked
Garden friends,21 made with a tender verse40)
Make a grand statement in a snap.41
Who needs a doorbell, or even a knocker?42
Who needs a doorbell
                                    or even a knocker?

   - Tojir Tangriev, lyric interlude, 28th Congress of the CPSU

Items advertised, with reference page from Holiday 2014 Sky Mall, and price:
[1] My Adventure Books (17, $19.99-$39.99)
[2] Pet Bed (71, $224.99-$249.99)
[3] The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock (119, $129.95)
[4] Roolen Breath Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier (61, $129.99)
[5] High-Reach Cleaning Kit (70, $39.99)
[6] Star Trek Projector Clock (45, $59.95)
[7] Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt (149, $14.95)
[8] The Voice Activated R2-D2 (18, $199.95)
[9] Duty Cycle Probe Alert-2500 (136, $319.99)
[10] Garmin Vivofit Fitness Bracelet (104, $129.99-$169.99)
[11] Quilted Ironing Mat (69, $9.98)
[12] H9 Aroma Therapy Tower Humidifier (70, $299.99 (+$5*))
[13] Two Train Reaction® Luggage Devices (126, $19.99)
[14] RZ Facemask (104, $29.95)
[15] Tortilla Baby Swaddle Blanket (16, $47.99)
[16] "The Zombie of Montclaire Moors"© Statue (41, $99.95 (+$5*))
[17] Battery Operated Ride-On Motorcycle (21, $109.95)
[18] Day Dreamers Puppy (39, $24.99)
[19] Philips Picopix Projector (109, $399.99)
[20] Hushamok Baby Hammock with Stand (59, $599.99 (+$15*))
[21] Skel-E-Gnomette Woman, Skel-E-Gnome Man, Skel-E-Dog (42, $39.95-$54.95)
[22] My Friend Huggles Doll (16, $49.99)
[23] littleBits Deluxe Kit (17, $199.00)
[24] Benny the Jumping Bull (19, $44.99)
[25] Battery-Powered LED Lamp (60, $19.98)
[26] Bed Light (48, $59.99)
[27] Batman One-Piece pajama with Cosplay Hood, Superman Cami Panty Set, etc. (146, $29.99-$49.99)
[28] Aviator Wall Sign (44, $89.95)
[29] Uniqia Personalized Night Light (49, $24.99-$34.99)
[30] Diva Sign, Lady's Lair Sign (139, $24.99)
[31] Mighty Boom Ball (117, $24.99)
[32] Electric Logos (147, $49.95-$59.95)
[33] ClearVision Television Network (4)
[34] Snow Joe® Cordless 18-Inch Snow Blower with Brushless Motor, Rechargeable EcoSharp Li-Ion Battery and Charger (136, $399.99 (+$10*))
[35] Graphic Map Puzzle, Aerial Photo Puzzle (25, $39.95-$49.95)
[36] Player Faces (148, $23.99)
[37] The Talk Back Mimicking Tomcat (18, $39.95)
[38] e-Race for Smartphones (112, $29.99)
[39] The Faceless Watch (118, $99.95)
[40] Pet Tiding Stone (39, $23.99)
[41] 24" Regal Christmas Pre-Lit Urn Filler (10, $59.99)
[42] Doorbell Broken Yell Ding Dong Doormat (137, $19.95)

Friday, January 2, 2015

Passion of the Cop

"As an American I need to be carefully considering things before giving into ego sustaining backlash." - White Ethnic Convention

"This dissent is all well and good but someone who's life actually matters to Power might get scuffed on. The only decent thing for our Men to do is wipe them out." - Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) “unknowingly” addresses a group of Neo-Nazis

"You can't prove that I didn't feel threatened." - Bill Bratton to his wife after kicking the dog out of the way of the refrigerator door

"The police is where a liberal society puts those who cannot sublimate their barbarism in the pursuit of a middle class idyll." - Hillary Clinton levels with Chelsea that she’ll never play in the NFL, 1994

"People can handle the moral complexity of crime and the affinity of cops and criminals for each other only in something like The Departed, because everyone is white and the public transportation is laughable." - Mitt Romney waiting outside Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday

"Why can't we have a crime show in Atlanta?"
"And call it what? Pig Hoof Inspector?!"
- Amy Pascal throws Tyler Perry and Jerry Bruckheimer out of her Koi Pond suite

"From condemning Ferguson riots to apologia for The Interview, it's been a lightning fast turnover from tragedy to farce for liberal hypocrisy." - Ann Curry explaining How to Protect Your Interests When Shit Gets Real, The Today Show

"If we try to fix this we'll have to claim some kind of responsibility and no one wants that." - Pataki '16

“No man kills me and lives!” - Bedford Forrest before wrongly killing a mutinous cavalryman

"The real problem here is the culture of getting shot by the police among the black community." - Rudy Giuliani to his pink poodle Marshall Petain

"What do you make of a world in which the most lucid enunciation of ethics is met with violence? Fuck this country. Death to America." - NYPD Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch

"You can trust we Northern Republicans because we have never forgotten there is a Thin Blue Line between the rabble and the money." - Peter King

"God, I am so missing out!" - Ray Kelly

"Don't worry rich hippy fucks to the rescue!" - Rolling Stone spikes Awareness on the fifth yard line

"The deal is simple: You get liberal freedoms, one generation of upward mobility, and some time at the commodity buffet, and all you have to do is cheer on the ritualistic murder of black people."
- US Citizenship Exam

“Eric Garner should have done the decent thing and died by the hand of Big Food as he was meant to do." - CEO Kraft Single

"No no, they don't hate the mayor, I think someone said there was free Dunkin Donuts at the back of the memorial." - Police Horse Free Love Society spokesman

"Thank god another plane has vanished in Southeast Asia, anything to take my mind off the race war!" - Richard Quest to Don Lemon

"No tears for dead cops or cancelled movies!" - Left Twitter

"Would you allow some hacker or dictator to deny Americans their God given right to mediate geopolitical anxiety via flashy images and compensatory fantasies of Orientalist sex and imperialist violence?"
- Obama stares down Chuck Todd's weird new beard

"I lived The Interview, Charlie. Except in my case I was lavishly compensated for corporate espionage and the promotion of corn ethanol and lithium batteries." - Thomas Friedman

"You can't tell me what to do with my property, I'm the richest fucking mallard in the world." - Scrooge McDuck