Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Making It with Billy Blythe

"In recognition of the hard work everyone put into resolving this crisis, I'm giving every member of Congress a case of Charles Shaw wine."
- Bill Clinton

“Who’s makin love?!” – Soul Clinton

“Everyone gets to make love the way they want to!” – Santa Clinton

“Making it… is a way of life.” – Beat Clinton

“We make like hicks or the deal is off.” – Bill Clinton under the elms…

"How's your girl!? Haw haw haw!" - Clinton, getting into a limo, to Eliot Spitzer outside the Cotton Club

"Burned biscuits!" - Bill Clinton awaking from a gluten withdrawal dream

"Do you realize we live in a Golden Age for pornography?" - Bill Clinton interrupts Cory Booker at TEDTalks

"Why wait for Halloween?" - Bill Clinton on sexy costumes

"Ain't nothin a spoonful a hooch an' a dip in the mud won't rem'dy!"
- Doc Clinton to Lasik Eye Surgery victim Eric Cantor

"If there were a God in heaven, my love for you would be a sacrilege." -Bill Clinton, weirdly, to Donna Hanover

“I want to fuck you on a tandem bike.” – Old-time Clinton

“I’ll push up against anything soft enough.” – Bill Clinton

"Coquito ergo sum." - Clinton at the American Philosophical Association Eastern Division Conference, Tampa

"One by one, time plucks petals from the flower of youth." - Bill Clinton 

"God is a feeling, and love is just a word." - Bill Clinton, liner notes for Black Saint and the Sinner Lady

"Somewhat chesty, thick but muscular, and with commanding lips...." - Bill Clinton trails off, TED talks, Shanghai 2020

"Love is only on the line if it's let in." - Clinton at the Rock n' Roll Hall of Game

"What do I drink at the club? A thimble of Everclear and a Miller 64." - Uptown Clinton

“Have you ever jerked it, like, you know, internally?” - Bill Clinton at the G20 Locker Room

"Well, I don't see what the problem is--"
"Doctor, I've had this erection for 48 hours!"
- Doc Clinton and designer drug victim Eric Cantor

"Live with me..."
- Tipper Gore slips out of Al Gore's desperate grip, Tacoma, WA

“I know what it’s like to be a lonesome and horny hick.” – Bill Clinton

"When did 'stupid' emerge as the modifier of choice to deride a penis? Did I have anything to do with it?" - James Carville

"What's big and wet and--"
"You're drooling!"
"Keep talkin."
- Vernon Jordan with Clinton

"Make love to the moment!" - Coach Clinton

"Nothing is forbidden to the imagination, nothing is foreign to desire." - Clinton bin Sabbah

"Damn, Bill, you're thin."
"People think I'm vegan, but it's the peyote."
- Clinton on his Vespa passing Al Gore at an In-N-Out Burger

"My story is one of digressions." - Bill Clinton

Monday, October 14, 2013


"Every day when I walk to the bus to go to work, I say a little prayer that today, please God let it be today, today will be day when my life is suddenly cut short by some random accident or act of violence." - John Boehner

"Hey, baby, I just want to talk." - Paul Ryan or an abusive spouse?

"Will turn tricks for social services." - 64-Year-Old Whites

"Tax the unemployed!" - GOP Moderates

"Well, there ain't no way a goin' about livin' in this world so's that you don't regret it. 'Lessen you win, that is."
"Win what?"
"Why, the struggle for Absolute Power, of course!"
- Mitch McConnell, 16-year-old House page Champ Powers (Father Ryan High School, TN)

"Schmitt says that political philosophy is ultimately a question of anthropological faith: Is man essentially good or essentially evil? Recent events me wonder whether the real question concerns not the character of man's action, but whether man can act at all." - Jay Carney

"My whole life I've hoped that if I were just passive enough, I would one day simply cease to exist." - the Left

"Let's have a deep and consequential debate on the issues, but let's not take it out on World War II veterans. The only mistake those men made was not immediately joining with the remnants of the National Socialists to fight the Soviet Union in the Final Battle for the fate of humanity." - Sen. Chevy Cruz with Sarah Palin nodding in the background

"Jesus, Senator, can you turn on the heat?"
"What's the matter, you pussies need sweaters?"
- Sen. Harry Reid greets the McConnell Delegation in his underwear, his office a crisp 59 degrees

"The 1995 shutdown was far superior and accomplished a great deal more. Back then, I know for a fact, several young interns fell deeply in love with powerful men. Today, no one is making love." - Newt GinGinch

"I was crazy back then, eating nothing but saturated fat, drinking Miller Lite, rubbing up on anything that breathed. I would have sold it all to the GOP back then, I don't know how we survived that period if not for all that cheap and greasy money. Here I have no insight, except I hope people are comfortable with the loss of their child." - Bill Clinton on his undiscovered AM radio show

"I think if we bring it up clean with the promise of fiscal negotiations, well, this whole mess may finally be ov--ahhhhh!!!!!" - Paul Ryan manages to bite John Boehner once before escaping out the Capitol window amid police gunfire

"You've got to do something! Obama's in there with the Republicans, he's telling them about, I think he's going to cave." - a Senior Aide rushes into Third Annual Reid-Pelosi Vodka Eating Contest

"Oh, I'll be deep in the bunker." - Hillary Clinton on her evening plans for October 16

"It's like that time I killed a man!" - Laura Bush awakes from a night terror, 2 a.m., October 17

"...All is but atoms falling in void... Will nothing stop their ceaseless rain?..." - George W. Bush, two hours later, wandering Prairie Chapel Ranch

"There is absolutely no fucking hope." - Barack Obama, overwhelmed with panic as he watches the smile on Sasha's face at her birthday party

"At best, all you have to look forward to for the rest of your lives is a kind of luxurious slavery, and the only way things could ever possibly get better is for them to first get catastrophically worse." - Harry Reid speaking at George Washington University before masking up and throwing a molotov at at a D.C. Metropolitan Police van

Special FX of the Government Shutdown

X-Files shuttered. Flukeman released from aquatic holding cell. Death Panel refuses Smoking Man coverage for treatment of sentient, telepathic tumor.

Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division forced to hire second-string superheroes like Quickdraw Kid, Red-to-Blue Man, and The Waffler.

Search for Agent Cooper called off after 25 years of interrogating logs and midgets.

ACME Detective Agency loses track of Carmen San Diego. Last known whereabouts, a country whose capital is in Minsk, national bird the White Stork.

Room 101 sells off rats and scary clowns.

Closure of the National Science Commission leaves Scott Bakula unable to Quantum Leap, stuck in body of JFK, Jr.

Star Fleet academy re-staffed by cast of Babylon 5.

Skynet put on sleep mode, powerless to prevent time travelers from warning us of terrifying future.

Time travel plots to assassinate Hitler cancelled.

Entire crew of the Nostromo dies in vain as Xenomorph goes unstudied.

U.S. Capitol destroyed by aliens, Will Smith stays home to fuck stripper wife

Recalls partial at best.

PreCrime Department replaces expensive precog labor force with George Zimmerman.

Area 51’s “Area 51” video arcade cabinet goes unrepaired, steals quarters.

No one controls the spice, no one controls the universe.

Soylent Green just bran, raisins, and spiders.

Global Warming Myth defunded, revealed as hoax perpetrated to protect location of R’lyeh, the Dreaming City.

Ape intelligence experiments ended. Lemurs inherit the earth. God damn you all to hell.

Unregulated by the EPA, Ghostbusters capture friendly ghosts.

Steve Rogers unable to sustain massive Serum addition, sells organs on Latverian black market.

Psych wards flooded by deprogrammed Manchurian candidates reeling from recovered memories of incest.

Jason Bourne lives pleasant life in rural Missouri.

Warren Beatty has a pleasant time at the Space Needle.

Robert Redford reads all those books just for fun.

Tom Hanks murdered by Somali pirates.

Military tribunals now able to handle truth.

Parade recognizing PTSD-afflicted veterans of the Star Wars cancelled.

Boundary Commission unable to prevent mass emigration of harassed mutants to Canada.

Death Race 2000 comes true.

Yogi and Booboo killed by poachers.

Crystal Lake National Park Ice Hockey Tournament cancelled.

American werewolves return from London to take advantage of Obamacare.

Smithsonian sells off taxidermied King Kong. Cause of death ruled planes, not beauty.

Snowden leaks contents of Hangar 51. Ark of the Convent melts Nicolas Cage’s face.

Postal Service ceases. Planet Express monopoly unchallenged by Justice Department.

Shit-based art goes unfunded.

Ancient aliens invade via unprotected Stargate. Say, isn’t that the chick from The Crying Game?

All Antarctic outposts abandoned, leaving Kurt Russell and Keith David to freeze to death. The Thing is contained.

Kurt Russell escapes from New York by driving over George Washington bridge.

Force-feeding suspended at government black sites. E.T. starves self to death.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Assassination of Miriam Carey by the Cowards of the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia

"Right now, we don't know whether this unarmed woman and her baby were terrorists or whether she was just some person who made a wrong turn and then, finding herself fired upon by multiple armed individuals, did the natural thing and fled. The important thing is, now we don't ever have to find out." - D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier

"If you act in ways that Power can't predict so close to its active organs, well, your life is a cheap price to pay for Security." - 15-year-old House page Randy Bators (Brentwood High, TN)

"The Security Services deserve the highest praise for not shooting a child whose existence they did not take the time to possibly acknowledge." - J. Edgar Hoover in Hell

"Now, look people. These officers, uhh, did exactly what all officers in a modern, militarized police force are trained to do: uhh, Kill the Enemy." - Cyborg Rex Obama

"Let's not rush to judgement here. We can't presume that the actions of the officers should be thoroughly and cautiously scrutinized before we declare them heroes." - @johnboehner

"Power is never more adored then when it kills." - Herman Wallace

"I just hope those poor police officers have ample time to prepare with their lawyers before they are questioned. No one should have to live with being able to fully and accurately recall how it was that they shot a woman to death in front of her child." - Ray Kelly

"The real tragedy is that an overwhelming majority of police never draw their firearms." - the NRA

"I think when all is said and done, people will agree that it was that black woman's own fault." - George Zimmerman

"Don't be too upset. It's going to take a great deal of violence indeed to change this country. This is an opportunity to harden yourself against it." - the spectre of Christopher Dorner

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Furlough of Reason, or,
Shutdown as a Way of Life

I.  Nullification Now, Nullification Forever

"This the greatest opportunity for nullification since school integration." - Rand Paul

"All in favor say, 'Hee-haw!'" - Speaker of the House John Boehner

"You've turned this party into a suicide caucus!"
"Weak sauce! Spider caucus!"
- Sen. Tom Coburn devoured by the Texas delegation

"The fact that I of all people am forced to be somewhat responsible here, it just shows how dark things are." - Rep. Peter King

"Everything I needed to learn about government, I learned in student government." - Paul Ryan undresses before a strange alter

"But politics is opportunism!" - Marsha Blackburn in disbelief on CNN
"Do you think that if you had pushed for a single-payer system we'd be in this mess today?"
"Well, [perturbed exhale] we'd be in a better mess."
- Olbermann and Obama on cigarette break at ESPN

"In this Gilded Age all clichés become reality!"
"HAW HAW, well, I don't think of it as Gilded so much as Transparent."
- a horribly sunburnged Paul Krugman having blue margaritas with Sheryl Sandberg on St. John

"My cock is like the Excalibur--"
[from the gallery] "--like John Boorman's Excalibur!"
"Shut the hell up!"
- Sen. Chevy Cruz, Sen. John McCain

"What I don't get is, why aren't young people more motivated to participate in a quarter-millenium-old government specifically designed to indefinitely defer the abolition of slavery?" - Harry Reid

"In the U.S., we get really wasted in July and August, then everything gets really fucked up in September and October." - John Kerry in a private meeting with Mohammed Javad Zarif

"Crack my eggs. Piss on my birthday cake. Do whatever you want to me. Just don't put me out." - John Boehner addresses his Caucus

"You people don't even fucking get it. This isn't about the budget. This is about representative government. This is about taking off the mask. Tearing down the old gods and raising up the new. Man will be burned away by the fires of History, and in his place there shall be only Value." - Eric Cantor to his kids on why they can't go to the beach this year

II. How I Spent My Unpaid Vacation

"Happy Hick Everyone!" - World War II veterans accidentally liberating the Dr. King Memorial

"If this really is the end, then there's something I have to tell you: I've always hated you." - Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution G. Wayne Clough to his wife

"Jesus, this place looks like the rest of D.C." - George Will, stepping over litter and the unemployed in the National Mall

"Ah! Ice cream headache!"
"That's gin."
- John Boehner's first post-Shutdown press conference

"When your Founders imagined that American would combine Rome with Athens, they did not mean it literally." - Angela Merkel

"The difference here is the distinct lack of the mystical and erotic sublimity that characterized our Shutdown. A feeling Calista and I can only now find in the Catholic Church." - Newt Gin Ginch

"Beginning at midnight, government agencies will start shutting down, one by one. If it goes on long enough, the State will be reduced solely to its military, law enforcement, and security functions, and all public employees will be slaves. In other words, it will be a Utopia." - Rick Perry

"Now is our time to act, if only we existed!" - the Left

"If the Dead Ceiling isn't raised, the improperly buried shall rise, banshees shall keep vigil round the Capitol, lion shall lie with lamb, and your wine shall be of blood." - Barack Obama, conference call with Congressional Leaders

"The answer to every question is No, even when it is Yes." - Rep. Tom Graves

"Your eyes are sick and swollen! Take it easy now. What kind of deal would end this?"
"You don't understand. We do not want a deal but the end of all deals."
- Susan Collins lost in the House Tubes talking to GOP Members in the darkness

"Man, I've never seen it like this."
"Haw haw haw. Pass the vape. It's simple, old buddy, they are Bolsheviks for the rich."
- Joe Biden and Bill Clinton on the roof of the Naval Observatory

"You'd like to think that I'm a miserable old Scrooge and that's why I do these things, but the truth is, I feel fucking great. I'm high as hell. I'm eating better and sleeping better. My shits are clean and regular, and my wife and I are having the best sex of our lives. Because I have that special kind of confidence, that sense of purpose and existential security, that only comes from wielding power. It's one thing to have the pleasure of knowing you're right. It's another thing entirely for it not to matter." - Sen. Chevy Cruz

III. Elysium

In 2017, Cruz left traditional politics behind to form the League of the Virgin, a "Madonnaist" paramilitary organization dedicated to "the direct, lived realization of the Kingdom of God." Scornful of "representational government," it pursued a "politics of transubstantiation" and founded a sprawling network of autonomous ranches in the Texas and Oklahoma panhandles. To this day it not fully understood--even by the survivors--how these communities managed to flourish in the open desert. "We sup on the milk of the Madonna," said Cruz during his sole interview of the period, on Charlie Rose, "and ask no more 'Whence?' than does the Infant of the Breast.'"

Following the Standoff at Purgatoire, the League expanded relentlessly. One by one, South- and Midwestern states ceded territory to the League, some voluntarily (Arizona, Oklahoma), some in military defeat (New Mexico, Colorado), and others as part of their own political manoeuvrings (the Mormon Free State, the Suzerain Empire of Texas and the Rio Grande). After absorbing the Failed States Region of Former Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana, the League was preeminent in the Red Zone.

Its supremacy was not to last. The League was weakened internally by a prolonged insurgency led by Duke Mountain Inhofe of the Tulsa Protectorate, who broke with Cruz over his interpretation of the Menarche Tis Theotokos. Tens of thousands were slaughtered before Inhofe was sacrificed by ultras of his sect. Still more disastrous was League's unilateral decision to open a second front in the Transoceanic War by sending filibuster parties to instigate conflict with the Bolivarian Federation. When Cyborg Rex Obama discovered the League's treachery, he ordered General Stanley DarkChrystal and the University of Pennsylvania Robotics Team to suppress the League. Consumed by Civil War, North America might have fallen to the Sino-Latin Rim had it not been for the Portal, which, through the swift imposition of its Will in the Majestic Terror, at last brought an end to the Government Shutdown of 2013 to [illegible]