"Every day when I walk to the bus to go to work, I say a little prayer that today, please God let it be today, today will be day when my life is suddenly cut short by some random accident or act of violence." - John Boehner
"Hey, baby, I just want to talk." - Paul Ryan or an abusive spouse?
"Will turn tricks for social services." - 64-Year-Old Whites
"Tax the unemployed!" - GOP Moderates
"Well, there ain't no way a goin' about livin' in this world so's that you don't regret it. 'Lessen you win, that is."
"Win what?"
"Why, the struggle for Absolute Power, of course!"
- Mitch McConnell, 16-year-old House page Champ Powers (Father Ryan High School, TN)
"Schmitt says that political philosophy is ultimately a question of anthropological faith: Is man essentially good or essentially evil? Recent events me wonder whether the real question concerns not the character of man's action, but whether man can act at all." - Jay Carney
"My whole life I've hoped that if I were just passive enough, I would one day simply cease to exist." - the Left
"Let's have a deep and consequential debate on the issues, but let's not take it out on World War II veterans. The only mistake those men made was not immediately joining with the remnants of the National Socialists to fight the Soviet Union in the Final Battle for the fate of humanity." - Sen. Chevy Cruz with Sarah Palin nodding in the background
"Jesus, Senator, can you turn on the heat?"
"What's the matter, you pussies need sweaters?"
- Sen. Harry Reid greets the McConnell Delegation in his underwear, his office a crisp 59 degrees
"The 1995 shutdown was far superior and accomplished a great deal more. Back then, I know for a fact, several young interns fell deeply in love with powerful men. Today, no one is making love." - Newt GinGinch
"I was crazy back then, eating nothing but saturated fat, drinking Miller Lite, rubbing up on anything that breathed. I would have sold it all to the GOP back then, I don't know how we survived that period if not for all that cheap and greasy money. Here I have no insight, except I hope people are comfortable with the loss of their child." - Bill Clinton on his undiscovered AM radio show
"I think if we bring it up clean with the promise of fiscal negotiations, well, this whole mess may finally be ov--ahhhhh!!!!!" - Paul Ryan manages to bite John Boehner once before escaping out the Capitol window amid police gunfire
"You've got to do something! Obama's in there with the Republicans, he's telling them about Upworthy.com, I think he's going to cave." - a Senior Aide rushes into Third Annual Reid-Pelosi Vodka Eating Contest
"Oh, I'll be deep in the bunker." - Hillary Clinton on her evening plans for October 16
"It's like that time I killed a man!" - Laura Bush awakes from a night terror, 2 a.m., October 17
"...All is but atoms falling in void... Will nothing stop their ceaseless rain?..." - George W. Bush, two hours later, wandering Prairie Chapel Ranch
"There is absolutely no fucking hope." - Barack Obama, overwhelmed with panic as he watches the smile on Sasha's face at her birthday party
"At best, all you have to look forward to for the rest of your lives is a kind of luxurious slavery, and the only way things could ever possibly get better is for them to first get catastrophically worse." - Harry Reid speaking at George Washington University before masking up and throwing a molotov at at a D.C. Metropolitan Police van
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