Monday, January 27, 2014

Visions of Gore

"Jesus, all you think about is sex." - Joseph Liebermann storms out of  Steam Room Session, Campaign 2000

"I can shout with a thousands voices, but they'll all die at once." - Al Gore

"Even though it was destroyed, people still worship at it's temple today." - Bill Clinton discussing Pompeii in a talk on "Legacy", TEDELITE Talks, Thiel Sea Colony

"Look, I mean, love is really intense. It's the most intense relationship you have with another person. Sometimes it's okay to hit each other."
"You need to go for a run."
- Al Gore and Bill Clinton, out fishing while Gore is crashing on Clinton's Harlem couch

"What else is there, Al? Money, status, overindulgence in food and drink, or a good grope?"
"Haw haw, naw, I just like makin' speeches and normal lovin'."
- The Boys on the Trail in '92, outside Beaver Creek

"Everything is so ugly and disappointing." - Al Gore

"The only thing that depresses me more than this life of inactivity is its opposite." - Al Gore

"Feminists should disfigure women who get elective cosmetic surgery." - Janet Reno

"Mother worked so hard to give me such a nice life but what she didn't tell me was life isn't nice." - Al Gore

"I should have been Mexican." - Roger Clinton

"But, Mr. Vice President is there evil out there in the world?"
"Why yes, of course, there are even entire galaxies made of Evil."
- Al Gore and Peter Jennings on ABC, 1998

"When you leave a tip at a takeout place or a cafe, do you do it so the server can see you to it, do you do it behind their backs, or do these kind of considerations not even arise for you?"
"I usually just slip it in their g-string."
"Do they love you for it?"
"No, but I pretend they do. That is, after all, what I'm paying for."
- Paul Begala and David Plouffe, Strategy Session over steaks at the Black Douglas, D.C.

"Thank God we didn't have any children."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
- Newt Gingrich and his wives

"I only jerk it in salt water." - Beach Clinton

"I can't get hard in this wind." - Gore in a Green Peace raid on Nova Scotian Seal Clubbing Ships

"I don't really have any hope of any kind for anything." - Al Gore to a tub of French onion dip

"I could have been a great president in the 90's." - Mitt 

"A subject of Empire lies forever in a safety web of sublimity, ruled by raw, inescapable power. A citizen of Rome knew no matter how far he traveled, he could never outrun the Empire. Hence the  irony of the citizen's heightened terror when faced with the ultimate punishment: exile." - Dick Cheney scaring the living shit out of Gore, December 2000, Naval Observatory

"If only I could meet a girl like Toni Collette." - Gore at Gulf Shores

"Men and women complete each other but in different ways. Women are dependent upon men to become actual, complete social beings and men depend on women to be real, actual psychological beings." - Justice Samuel Alito giving advice in an unsolicited call to Gore

"Horseless carriage? What's the point?" - Teddy Roosevelt becomes the first man to fuck a horse in battle

"I can't believe you won the Nobel Prize."
"Gosh! That's right, I did didn't I? Isn't that weird? I almost forgot."
- Al Gore on an OK Cupid date with a 23-year-old

"I'm not afraid of success, I'm disgusted by it!" - Al Gore casts his Prize into a volcano after deliberately shutting himself down on said date

"The policy makes sense, it's backed by the data, it's True. Just let the explanation wash over you. Wrap up and get warm in it. Don't kill the vibe, man." - Bill Clinton

"Is this what the left has been reduced to: moralizing nostalgia for inefficient business models?" - Al Gore shits all over the farewell party after selling CurrentTV to Al Jazeera

"Sometimes I just leave the water boiling just for the company." - Al Gore

"APHRODITE! Let me worship at your temple!" - Al Gore, banging to two fists on the front door of Tipper's home as the municipal police pull up, ending a three-day city-wide lock down

"There is not a lot you can put behind you in this life. Everything we do is recorded, scored, and quanitified in order to be used against us at every turn: our grades, our resumes, our credit histories, our criminal records, things we said or did in the public, in private. It all comes back to haunt you. The only thing you can really put behind you is your personal relationships. The freedom to burn bridges is the only true human freedom. That's why I'm begging you, please, stop calling me." - Tipper Gore

Thursday, January 16, 2014

How Do You See Yourself, Actually

"The Savior of Russia." - Putin

"Anti-Pussy Riot." - Mikhail Khodorkovsy

"Christopher Nolan's Batman." - Barack Obama

"Prom King for Life." - Bill Clinton

"The main character in a Bruce Springsteen song. Maybe from one of the second tier albums." - Chris Christie

"As a plate of Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes." - Al Gore

"Definitely not evil." - Larry Page

"The reincarnation of the severed ghost samurai head in 'Zombie Nation' on the NES." - Shinzo Abe

"A living incarnation of the amorality of the profit motive." - the Bacardi corporation

"A winner!" - Fidel

"Fulfilling a prophecy!" - Dennis Rodman screaming 2 inches from Matt Lauer's face

"Not in the same whole as fucking Matt Lauer." - Katie Couric

"The girl everyone in the sorority can trust to keep their secrets and Alpha Delta Epsilon safe." - the NSA

"As some sort of giantoid asexual being, consuming and fucking all out of the same orifice."  - Karl Rove, Sensory Deprivation Decider Chamber, Bush Presidential Library, University Park, TX

"Oh, I'm just a regular bloke." - Prince Charles, Changeling ritual (as a bear), Hidden Oak Park

"Cattle." - the 2014 NFL Draft Class

"I see myself as a particularly compelling reboot of an already existing intellectual property." - White Male, ages 13-49

"A hero." - Salman Rushdie

"An artist." - Shia LaBoeuf

"A man." - Camille Paglia

"My son Tagg's greatest hero." - Mitt

"I look in the mirror and I don't see anything." - Michael Bay storming off stage

"Lucky to be remembered as sellout rather than as not really a great actor." - Patrick Stewart

"Miley." - Bieber

"Miley." - Billy Ray Cyrus

"Miley." - Mitch McConnell

"Woody Allen." - Roman Polnaski

"Lena Dunham." - Judd Apatow

"Anne Frank." - Anne Hathaway

"As the star of my own meme." - a doomed generation

"Drinking corn mash out of an expensive boot." - the Editors

"Aha! No, you won't trick me. That's the trap." - Antonio Banderas, windsurfing with Juan Carlos

"Through a glass, darkly." - George W. Bush

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

What's Your New Years Resolution?

"To safeguard Syrian democracy and execute the will of its people."
- Bashar al-Assad

"To host the safest Olympics ever." - Putin

"To host the safest World Cup ever." - Dilma

"To wage war on tribal Islam with killer robots." - Barack Obama

"Yellow glory!" - Xi Jinping, smearing butter on his waffles at Waffle House

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for a bunch of rocks in the middle of the ocean." - Shinzo Abe

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for the cleanest apartment in Manhattan." - Devyani Khobragade

"To do a big budget reboot of Deliverance from the hicks' perspective." - Phil Robertson

"I think I'm going to take some quiet time and practice impromptu refueling of bombers in the desert." - Bibi

"I want to finally look like a real adult." - Leonardo DiCaprio

"I'm going to have two delicious cocktails every day." - Nino Scalia

"I want to find that penny the guard threw into my dark jail cell last year." - Pervez Musharraf

"I just don't want to die!" - Karzai

"To give birth to something that has no chance of failure." - Georgina Bloomberg

"To at least tell the truth to my children." - Lance Armstrong
"Maybe hook up with Rob Ford and build a flying black fortress of evil for me and my teammates." - LeBron James

"To throw away all the artistic credibility I gained last year with the help of Chuck Lorre and Sarah Jessica Parker." - Matthew McConaughey

"I just want to be a normal man and not a hideous football genius."
- Peyton Manning

"Lots of vitamin D." - Julian Assange

"Lots of Craigslist." - Edward Snowden

"Lots of money." - Glenn Greenwald

"To strip an entire turkey leg in one bite." - Megyn Kelly

"To find the lost tomb of Ronnie." - Peggy Noonan

"To enhance my personal prestige and combat capitalism in one fell swoop by writing Marxist analyses of hip hop music videos."
- the Ivy League Left

"I want to paint the wind." - George W. Bush