Wednesday, January 1, 2014

What's Your New Years Resolution?

"To safeguard Syrian democracy and execute the will of its people."
- Bashar al-Assad

"To host the safest Olympics ever." - Putin

"To host the safest World Cup ever." - Dilma

"To wage war on tribal Islam with killer robots." - Barack Obama

"Yellow glory!" - Xi Jinping, smearing butter on his waffles at Waffle House

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for a bunch of rocks in the middle of the ocean." - Shinzo Abe

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for the cleanest apartment in Manhattan." - Devyani Khobragade

"To do a big budget reboot of Deliverance from the hicks' perspective." - Phil Robertson

"I think I'm going to take some quiet time and practice impromptu refueling of bombers in the desert." - Bibi

"I want to finally look like a real adult." - Leonardo DiCaprio

"I'm going to have two delicious cocktails every day." - Nino Scalia

"I want to find that penny the guard threw into my dark jail cell last year." - Pervez Musharraf

"I just don't want to die!" - Karzai

"To give birth to something that has no chance of failure." - Georgina Bloomberg

"To at least tell the truth to my children." - Lance Armstrong
"Maybe hook up with Rob Ford and build a flying black fortress of evil for me and my teammates." - LeBron James

"To throw away all the artistic credibility I gained last year with the help of Chuck Lorre and Sarah Jessica Parker." - Matthew McConaughey

"I just want to be a normal man and not a hideous football genius."
- Peyton Manning

"Lots of vitamin D." - Julian Assange

"Lots of Craigslist." - Edward Snowden

"Lots of money." - Glenn Greenwald

"To strip an entire turkey leg in one bite." - Megyn Kelly

"To find the lost tomb of Ronnie." - Peggy Noonan

"To enhance my personal prestige and combat capitalism in one fell swoop by writing Marxist analyses of hip hop music videos."
- the Ivy League Left

"I want to paint the wind." - George W. Bush

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