Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Very Honest, Loving Child

“The problem is partisanship, both sides can't agree, they need to make tough choices and sacrifice their sacred cows, country first blahhh blllurrr goooo ahhhh zzzzzzz……” - Barack Obama

"I had a dream that all the Senators just made love for the sake of feeling not fashion, the House was full of flowers, and the President was a beautiful horse, we could ride him.” – John Boehner

“People who clamor for those richer than themselves to pay less taxes than themselves ought be annihilated.” – Dennis Kucinich on Democracy Now

“I was never one for hope, but whatever the slightly more reasonable alternative to hope is, I have lost even that.” – John McCain

“What I’m saying is, if you keep a Border Collie in a Bay Area apartment with nothing to do, it very quickly goes insane.” – Nancy Pelosi, chewing a hole in the Senate Chamber wall

"My piss is white as snow." - Eric Cantor

“I'm going to become a satrap of the Persian Emperor and eat grape leaves until I die of pleasure.” - Jay ‘Coyote Ugly’ Carney

“God, I hate packing, I'll just bring eight scarves and a whip.” – Larry Summers fleeing to Macau

John Boehner: But, Barry, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.

Barack Obama: What happened?

John Boehner: He lived happily ever after.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Future Legend

"If you don't stay tonight, I will take that plane tonight. I've nothing to lose, nothing to gain. I'll kiss you in the rain, kiss you in the rain..." - a slurring John Boehner making love to Harry Reid on the Capitol lawn, midnight, August 2

"...too, too high a price to drink rotting wine from your hands, your fearful hands...." - Eric Cantor to a fireplace full of currency

"Blue blue electric blue is the color of my room where I will live!" - Nancy Pelosi with pupils the size of grapefruit

"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me ha ha ha hee hee hee!" - Michelle Bachmann

"Charlie Chan's back in town and the chips are down, I just cut and blackout, I'm under Japanese influence and my honor's at stake." - last words of Barack 'Yukio Mishima' Obama

"Baby, ive been braking glass in yr room again. Listen... DON'T LOOK AT THE CARPET. I threw something awful on it. See... YOU'RE SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON... BUT YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS. I'LL NEVER TOUCH YOU." - Timothy Geithner, farewell letter to his wife

"Every chance that I take, I take it on the road, never looking left or right, oh but I'm always crashing in the same car." - the People

..and in the death, as the last few corpses lay rotting on the slimy thoroughfare, the shutters lifted in inches in Temperance Building high on Poacher's Hill and red mutant eyes gaze down on Hunger City... no more big wheels... fleas the size of rats suck on rats the size of cats, and ten thousand peoploids split into small tribes coveting the highest of the sterile skyscrapers like packs of dogs assaulting the glass fronts of Love-Me Avenue, ripping and rewrapping mink and shiny silver fox, now legwarmers... family badge of sapphire and cracked emerald... any day now...
- from the vision diaries of Ron Paul Kahn

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Real Story of Deng Wenge

In 1987, an 18-year-old Deng met 50-year-old American businessman Jake Cherry and his wife Joyce Cherry, who had temporarily relocated to China to build a refrigerator factory. Deng asked the couple to tutor her in English, and Joyce Cherry eventually obliged. In 1988, Deng abandoned her medical studies and moved to the United States to study economics at California State University - Northride, with the Cherry's sponsoring her visa and hosting her in their home. Deng was among the top 1% of students in her class. Ms. Cherry suspected that her husband was having an affair with Deng and demanded she leave the house. Mr. Cherry soon followed. The two were married in 1990. The marriage lasted 2 years and 7 months, however Cherry would later explain that they only stayed together for 4 or 5 months, after which he learned that Deng was having an extramarital relationship with David Wolf, a man closer to her age. Nonetheless, Deng was able, thanks to her marriage to Cherry, to secure a green card. Deng met Rupert Murdoch at a company party in Hong Kong in 1997. They live in Manhattan with their daughters Grace Helen and Chloe. Deng is a vegan.

- from Lu Xun's Diary of a Mad Bitch

"Wha? Wut yu lookin' at? What happened? Is it oveh?"
- Rupert Murdoch

"Damn, Izzy, for that moment I felt like the crown was already on my head." - James Murdoch to a purple Prince Charles, the Madame Butterfly Boudoir, Scores, Ibiza

"I cannot join in the chorus of applause for Ms. Deng's actions, as I find in them nothing that would surprise or impress. If you try to take away a dog's dinner, will it not bite?" - David Cameron

"Goo goo gah gah!" - T. A. Frank

"What are your two favorite words?"
"'Nakedly transactional.'"
- Harper's Bazaar, Wendi Deng

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You're Lying Celebrates the Success of Its First Five Year Plan

"Mmmm, so what's happenin' on Me Street, eh, Nancy?" - Editor Hirsute

"Blogs are the new whippits!" - Rob Lowe

"Hey, how 'bout this: 'Why drink beer when you can drink lemon flavored malt liquor? - Sen. Woman I-PR'?"
"Maybe you need a subscription to O."
"Hipster woman cause bed bugs, Admiral!"
"Look, do you want me to buy you a Playboy?"
- the Editors brainstorming with Admiral Mike Mullen

"Well, there's nothing better than a good party and nothing worse than a bad one."
"I thought we were talking about blogging?"
"I'll see you shitheads tomorrow."
- Barack Obama, asked for his opinion of the blog

"Have you seen Black Death?"
"Forget that--put me on your scooter and let's make it."
- an Editor's recurring nightmare

"One of these days we'll squeeze a little book out of this thing."
"Ha ha, what the fuck is a book?"
"2010 was really our most avant-garde time. The Arab Spring has ruined us. As with the Surrealists, the crushing actuality of revolution has driven us to libidinal escapism."
"We should accrue some meta-quotes about the blog and declare our Two and a Half Year Anniversary."
"I don't know, what is Wasted Ideology doing?"
"An Anniversary Extravaganza."
"We'll declare it our Five Year Anniversary then!"
- the Editors

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Let Me Out Of This Prison

"To die and be forgotten: that is my dream." - Richard Branson

"Bad mother? Sure. But her baby could have grown up to be a Muslim!" - a Swedish jurist

"California is a vast Jonestown." - Jerry Brown

"I don't want to be alive anymore." - Eric Cantor, August 3, 2011

"What makes a mind a mind is that it knows that it is subject to the body, that is to say, that it is not a mind at all." - Sheik John Boehner, declaring the Republic of Butler County, September 11, 2011

"I can't remember anything that happened to my body before 9/11."
- Salvador Allende

"I have realized that certain folks I had mistakenly considered socialist or communist just want things to be more like Portland, OR, and I want to die.

" - Bernie Sanders

"There is no Bible in this Days Inn that will protect me."
- Mitt Romney, Doom, IA

"When I get canker sores under my tongue, it stimulates a nerve that also makes my ear ache."

"What the fuck? Actually, I may have experienced such a thing before, but I just assumed it was the Devil coming for my soul."

 Paul Krugman, Wen Jiabao

"Once, on a first class flight to Macau, a man in a silver sharkskin suit gave me a mini-bottle of potion that he promised would make me never dream again. Since then I have been capable of anything."
- Jon Huntsman

"No apprehension without alienation, no self-understanding without self-estrangement, no subjectivization without objectification."
- a Guantanamo Bay prisoner

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Death Ceiling

"Yeah it's good to be alive, but that doesn't mean the sum of life is not misery." - John Boehner

"Why can't we all just get along and kill the bums?" - Mitch McConnell

"Nothing is as dehumanizing as a 3pm visit to the men's room."
- Barack Obama, taking a break from the budget talks

"Don't even fucking touch me."
- Tim Geithner to his wife, August 1, 2011

"College degrees are but merit badges of precarity." - James Franco

, urging Obama to cut all Direct Federal Loans for humanities majors

"Now we know that the Republican Party is nothing more than a plutocratic condom and nothing less than a psychological profile. I'll have that appletini with the Metamucil and Soma, please." - Nancy Pelosi having drinks with Mayor Emanuel, The Platinum Elephant Room, Scores, Ibiza

"Hate yourself for who you are, love yourself for who you are not." - Barack Obama to John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi at the Budget Steambath Summit, Buckstaff Baths, Hot Springs, AR

"Am I Prince Hal or merely Beatrice?" - Eric Cantor to Kevin McCarthy, the Tea-Dome of Deaths Past

"Damn it, what are you afraid of?! Let me inside your heart! I'll goddam tear it out! I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING LIVER! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" - House Minority Whip Rep. Steny Hoyer to Dennis Kucinich, the Congressional Cafeteria

"People of America: Death is not the end." - Wen Jiabao

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

This Free Credit Report or Your Daughter?

"I'm trying to make love to him and he just sits there crying like a child. I think you know how to do it Eric but your eyes give me the gurgles." - a chain smoking President Obama to John Boehner and Eric Cantor, the Van Buren Room

"What have I got that makes you want to love me? Now is it my body? Someone I might be? Something inside me? Tell me it's up to you! Have you got the time to find out, who I really am?" - Speaker John Boehner to the Republican Study Committee

"Listen, stop this damn party right now. When shit gets expensive, you get fucked." - Lloyd Kraken to Mitchell McConnell, via Black Berry Big Beat

"I hate you father this belt belongs to me! Forget everything I just asked for, whip me with it!" - Congress without Recess

"Spending? Listen boys, every fake problem should have an equally false solution. Who you gonna call yer lover boy?" - The Chamber of Commerce to a frightened Grover Norquist and retinue

"I've only played poker with naked women, I just don't know what to do next." - Mitch McConnell found in the Senate Root Beer Room in a Raccoon Costume

"Well I'm sorry you little bitch there's just no more room in Galt Gulch." - Alan Greenspan to John Boehner at the Gate of Brass

"Hehe I'll tell ya man the whole thing is a trip. Who knew she could fly?" - J.R. Biden after dispatching fighters to intercept Michelle Bachmann over South Carolina

Sunday, July 10, 2011

La Petite Mort

"I wrote 'fucking'." - Philip Roth

"I won 'fucking'." - Lance Armstrong

"I own 'fucking'." - Rupert Murdoch

"I won't fuck!" - Rep. John Boehner

Thursday, July 7, 2011

In Praise of Fucking

"Draft me a motion to fuck!" - John Boehner

"Who am I if not the Night? Where does my Fear keep her home?!" - Scott Brown, atop the John Hancock Tower

"Man, Julia Roberts is breathtaking." - Bobby Jindall

"Be my David Koresh." - Kelley Paul

"Violence is only sex without oxytocin." - John McCain

"I will waste money on you forever." - Newt Gin-Ginch, Hooters, Columbia, SC

"Dear child, a light burns inside of you. Take this knife. Set it free." - Michelle Bachman, Scores champagne room, Ibiza

"I found the Way when my geometry teacher rejected my body flower." - Paul Ryan

"Love that goat pussy. And you thought that cheese taste good." - Saxby Chambliss

"Asian women are for white men who are too scared to fuck Hispanics." - Mark Sanford

"We shouldn't have to choose between endless war in the East and a Spanish lifegaurd's love." - Lindsay Graham

"Don't worry, gays, we will buy your freedom!" - Paul Singer

"I live for the bodies of college-aged sycophants." - Eric Cantor

"Do you think we can fuck from this height?" - Mitt Romney in Wonder Woman's invisible jet

"In a dark corner of a South Side pizzeria, a lonely young man confides in his fondest female friend about his nonexistent love life. He did not raise the subject, but he is glad that she did. They seem on the verge of saying at last what for so long has gone unsaid and then, instead, she asks if maybe he isn't just gay. An insulting dissimulation of her complicity in his loneliness. They will never speak again." - Barack Obama, Dreams from My Father

"I feel terrible."

"Am I dead? Is this Hell?" - Ali Abdullah Saleh, awaking in a hospital room playing Kid A on loop

"Hell is what we make it." - Bashar al-Assad

"Desire is the blind twin of disgust." - Rania Al-Abdullah

"Consciousness is a headache." - Hamad bin Isa al-Khalifa

"Hot dogs are the candy bars of meat!" - a scurvy-afflicted Saif al-Qaddafi

"No matter what we do, it speeds us towards death."
- Abdullah "Big Fish" bin-Abdul Aziz

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The News In Fucking

RomneyCare to Cover Basement Families

Labiectomy to Restore Women's Sense of Humor, Honor

Eliott Spitzer to host The Marriage Ref

Drunk Sarkozy Found Seducing Post Box

Pope to Anoint Robespierre Patron Saint of Revolution In Exchange for Chance to Diddle Dauphin

NY Passes Gay Marriage for Nation