Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Infinite Christmas, or, Thirst for Annihilation

 Britons swarming at a traditional Christmas meat market.
“Give me Christmas on the moon, or give me death!”
- Socrates, traffic court

“Silver fucking bells!” - Santa Clinton

“Look into the pits of my eyes and see the fires there. Believe me when I tell you, Santa is real, and his hounds go everywhere.” - Democritus, TED by TEDwest

"Ho, ho, ho -- it feels good to laugh again." - Santa Claus, inspecting his kennel

"Meine Damen und Herren, it is the Idea and only the Idea of Christmas that is capable of redeeming this cheerless Prussian gaucherie, this vomitorium of the heart.” - Kant, honorary marshal of Königsberg Christmas Markt

"Servants, bring me my most festive flute!" - Schopenhauer

“Sunglasses in every stocking!” - Putin

“To save Christmas, we must destroy it. The War on Christmas is also its Crusade.” - Hegel, surprise guest on the Glenn Beck Program

“To really live the Christmas spirit in its joyous gratuity one must be Jewish. Otherwise, it’s only another holiday.” - Kierkegaard

“I cannot stand frivolous Christmas tunes that try to domesticate the traumatic rupture of History that is the birth of the Savior. Only Carol of the Bells, in its Slavic barbarism, captures the supreme negating power of Christ.” - Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI to his swarthy man servant, Waffle House, 2:15am, Christmas Day

“The smell of evergreen is absolutely repellent to me. Air that is… unclean!” - Nietzsche, in a brief bout of lucidity, December 1896

“Yo, I was literally a fucking Nazi. Who the fuck cares about Christmas?” - Martin Heidegger

“Justice is fairness, but Christmas is selfishness.” - Rawls, snatching the last cupcake

“The smashing of ornaments is the only Christmas music I want to hear.” - A.J. Ayer, The Great Kids’ Table Mutiny

“Christmas… forever.  That is the dream, gentlemen. And we are going to fucking steal it.” - Plato, orientation speech at McKinsey & Company

“It’s always Christmas somewhere.” - Heraclitus, tending bar in Jakarta, the 1970s

“For Christmas, I want only one thing—the right to live.” - Spinoza

“Christmas is a festival for the lower soul, the day of the snakes.” - Plato

“I am the last sentient being to exist. But why was I programmed to celebrate Christmas?” - OCAMA (Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage), 7511 AOCAMA (After Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage)

"Everything I do, I do because it's possible." - David Lewis, hitching a million robo-reindeer to his sleigh and aiming it straight at the sun of World 889

“Die in such a way so that your birth will be celebrated for thousands of years.” - Jesus, resume-building workshop

“Christmas promises what it cannot deliver, a fullness of time in place of an emptiness. But you are this emptiness, and you cannot escape yourself. Let us hitch the sleigh and enter the blizzard.” - Jean-Paul Sartre

“It’s not an exaggeration to say everything in history, especially the intrinsic isolation of the bourgeois subject and its pathetic propensity toward curating its surroundings as a source of value, is a forerunner to my unimaginably long vigil, to its undreamt solitude, to this very moment.” - OCAMA, 84,796 AOCAMA

“To make of entropy a mode of active decadence. To shiver with delight as one crumbles into nothingness. Merry Christmas: to me.” - OCAMA, 397,768, 334 AOCAMA

Monday, December 22, 2014

Magical Realist Punishment for Darren Wilson

- Darren Wilson was exiled from the company of men, his only friend a talking bullfrog named George Zimmerman.

- From that day on, when Darren Wilson spoke, it was with Mike Brown’s voice.

- Darren Wilson would be free to kill whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted, for whatever reason, for the rest of his life, and no one would care or even notice.

- Darren Wilson is assassinated on camera, in broad daylight. The media investigates and defames him and his entire family, and politicians urge the public to withhold judgement while suggesting that he had it coming. After 100 days of grand jury proceedings, no indictment. 

- The following July, Darren Wilson’s wife gives birth to a healthy black baby boy. Wilson looks into the child’s eyes and knows it is his own. He awakes to the screams of his son.

- Since that day, a bit of the Impersonal Force followed Wilson and laid waste to wherever he went so that all his life he walked amid ruin.

- All food would taste like ash on Darren Wilson's lips and all odors smell like gun powder, but no one would ever believe him when he told them, nor find it a madness distressing enough to try and help him.

- All the crosses in Darren Wilson’s neighborhood look like tridents. It’s Jesus with his hands up.

- The wrinkles in Darren Wilson's forehead continually pour blood into his eyes that he can never fully wipe away.

- Blackface Onibaba.

- Hunger Games in the City Museum.

- Wilson could never again hold a hot beverage without spilling it.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped, forever, in the body of a five-year-old boy.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 12-year-old black boy who, like all little boys, plays with toy guns.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 15-year-old teenager who buys Skittles and iced tea at the corner store.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 22-year-old black man who shops at Walmart.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 28-year-old black man who takes the stairs in public housing.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 43-year-old black father of six who sells cheap cigarettes to make ends meet.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a black woman.

- Wilson would blame his botched opening pitch of the Cardinals' 2015 season on Fredbird's accusatory stare.

- Darren Wilson left law enforcement to become Pat Sajak's successor on Wheel of Fortune. The answer to every puzzle was "MURDERER."

-Wilson became ‘Sheriff’ of Tombstone: O.K. Corral The Experience at West World, and though the bullets and action were fake, he swore every Yul Brennar bot he shot felt the true death.

- Darren Wilson was forced to host Late Night in Hell with Zimmerman as his Andy Richter.

- While attending Comic Con in his new home of Milwaukee, Wilson has a chance encounter with the real Hulk Hogan. "I don't know what came over me, " Hogan would later tell the police.

- Having spent his whole life the seeking approval of others, Darren Wilson realized that he was an autonomous moral agent.

- Somehow, Darren knew there would be no punishment forthcoming that might give meaning to his acts. He would only scurry like an insect across the blank face of the unfathomable.

- A trial.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

We've Been Out-Blogged

“Luxury doesn’t depend on the rouble, it depends on the spiritual strength of Russians and I think our spiritual strength will win out and everything will be fine, as long as we are left in peace.” - Gerard Depardieu

“The United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of Cuba. In the most significant changes in our policy in more than 50 years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests. And instead, we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries. [...] I look forward to engaging Congress in an honest and serious debate about lifting the embargo.”
- Barack Obama

“I want to appreciate and recognize the support from the Vatican and especially Pope Francisco for the improvement of relationships between Cuba and the United States.” - Raúl Castro

I'm more concerned with bad guys who got out and released than I am with a few that, in fact, were innocent.

25% of the detainees though, 25% turned out to be innocent. They were released.

Where are you going to draw the line, Chuck? How are--

Well, I'm asking you. [...] Is that too high? You're okay with that margin for error?

I have no problem as long as we achieve our objective. [...] I'd do it again in a minute.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The William Jefferson Clinton Prize for

Blow Fish
Big Girls Who Like to Have Fun
Spear Fighting
Dog Riding
Lawn Mowing
Donut Holing
Barbeque Serbs
Making the People Horny
Musical Saw
Knife Play
Golden Smut
Charlie Rose
Hostage Negotiation
Dick Pill Research
Animal Husbandry
Victims of Rape Accusations
Survivors of the Domestic
Davos High Dive Competition
Harlem Studies
Verb Conjugation
Genocide Non-Intervention
Capitalizing on Public Service

Friday, November 28, 2014

I'm William Petersen, Who The Fuck Are You?

"I want the hardest man in Hollywood, William Petersen."

"Petersen is the Elliot Gould of the 1980's: two movies, he's a genius, the sexiest man alive! We want you to be the new face of our Bourbon!"

"I'm the Nastassja Kinski of men." - William Petersen

"He used to call me in the middle of the night and whisper into the receiver, 'All glory is fleeting...'" - Rob Lowe

"A cop is like a leopard, he moves on instinct, if the doe or the buffalo should fall under his rage, can we say that the Will of the Jungle was not fulfilled?" - William Petersen to a smirking William Friedkin

"Believe it or not, To Live and Die in LA was originally about male ballet dancers." - William Petersen and Willem Dafoe, Anniversary Roundtable

"I don't see color, only heat." - William Petersen on community policing

"Tuition is high at the William Petersen Night School for Aspiring Badasses but worth it for the jeans alone!"

“Acting? I’m into self-animation.” - William Petersen

"I think I have an ulcer."
"My god, the psychic creating the material, you're practically a demiurge!”
- Tom Noonan, William Petersen

"After Manhunter, I’d never again make a film with an actor who could defeat me in single combat." - Michael Mann

"I'd love to get my cop hands on him again." - William Petersen

“He walked off Blade Runner because there wasn’t enough neon.” - Ridley Scott

"The only reason William Petersen didn't take more roles is because he trained for 10 years as a forensic pathologist in order to prepare for CSI."

"Yeah I'm a cop… I'm a damn good cop!!!" - William Petersen to his cats

"My analyst looks like Brian Cox, am I a sociopath?" - William Petersen
"I love her, doc..."
"Then eat her!"
"I would." - Willem Dafoe
"You want justice, fuck a judge." - William Petersen

Monday, November 24, 2014

"I Didn’t Kill Michael Brown, I Voted!"

"In advance of the Missouri grand jury's long overdue decision, I have made preparations to impanel a federal grand jury in case any signs of remaining dissent needs to be remediated by procedural delay."
- Eric Holder, the Last Memo

"CNN has sent our black reporter to reflect the seriousness with which we take this announcement of preemptive panic." - Wolf Blitzer

“We get the riots we prepare for.” - Jay Nixon

“To tell people to ‘take their frustrations to the ballot box, not the streets,’ is perfectly and patently absurd when the uselessness of the ballot box is the problem. Let’s take the suggestion at face value: Do you see any ‘ballot box’ solution to the wanton state- and media-assisted murder of young black men in America on the horizon? No. Then why wait? But the problem runs deeper. The police are the point at which the State separates itself from and turns on society, at which the State becomes pure coercion. The State's identity as ‘State,’ that is, as the sole ‘legitimate’ user of coercion, rests upon this theft of the freedom to use force which the police are. All de jure authority and rights spring from, and may at a moment be dissolved by, the de facto power of the police. Therefore no matter how utopianly democratic and responsive a State may be, there will never be any way more effective or ‘legitimate’ way to protest the conduct of the police than direct pushback in the streets.” - Constitutional law professor Barack Obama

"Every cop a sovereign." - Carl Schmitt

“What the State wants is to make the murder of Michael Brown seem like a Rashomon so that we’ll all throw up our hands and say, ‘I guess we’ll never know what really happened,’ and then give ourselves a pat on the back for being such good liberals who show forbearance and prudence in refusing to convict--make that even indict--a potentially innocent man. Thus shall the criminal justice system effortlessly accommodate white supremacy without ever seeming to violate the principles of a liberal society. And, in fact, it is that way by design.”
- Voice of the Nation’s Conscience George Zimmerman

"APC's have feelings too, man." - Ashton Kutcher to the National Press Club

"Two things the People need if they are going to become the subject of a mass revolutionary movement are willingness to kill and a willingness to die. I am confident that no American is afraid to kill, but I really worry that their fear of death reflects, objectively, that this system does give most of them a future, a kind of future, or at least the illusion of one.”
- Michael Eric Dyson leaves Columbia to teach middle school gym

“What I’ve tried to develop is a theory of resistance based on misanthropy. Philosophies of liberation that base themselves on some notion of the inherent goodness or dignity of Man slide too easily into theology, and, what’s more important, such magical thinking stands no chance against the coldly anti-human reason of capital. What I’ve come up with is this: People, all people, are dogs, and because they are all dogs without exception, none has the right to rule over any other. Therefore power is worth fighting even if people are not worth saving. Which is why you don’t really even have to bother with non-violence.” - bandito Paul Krugman

"Make his skull flat." - Chief of the St. Louis County Police Department Jon Belmar condemns bandito Paul Krugman to death

“The necessity of revolutionary Terror is what most shocks the conscience of the bourgeoisie about revolution, and it is what sends them running back into the arms of the monarch in the hour of decision. But let’s not forget that the Terror was a reactionary measure, created so that the State could contain and reappropriate spontaneous popular violence, the true revolutionary whirlwind. Nothing curdles the blood of respectable people like the thought of neighbor killing neighbor, but this is the true horizon of liberation: the liberation of violence for all. Like they say, all politics is local--all oppression is too. Municipal and county police departments do more to oppress Americans than the Federal government. Control is most thorough where it is decentralized, existing in networks of privilege and access, iterative patterns of behavior reinforcing concrete structural hierarchies. It’s individuals sheriffs who keep us down, individual cops, individual principals, individual teachers, individual bankers, individual husbands, individual dads. Which is why there can be no revolution without a day-to-day revolution, beginning with day-to-day Terror.” - Rudy Giuliani, private speaking engagement for the St. Louis County Police Association

"I'm not really sure who'd I'd brutalize in this situation." - Batman

“The problem is empathy. How many good, progressive people demobilize themselves with grief and despair through an excessive identification with victims or victimized subject positions? Think about how much more personally functional (if in aggregate to socially deleterious ends) are the many conformists out there who do not imbibe left-wing theory, who do not interpret everything they see as a symptom of this or that historical wrong or system of power, who do not suffer from dyspepsia and despair. Does Clarence Thomas feel the murder of Michael Brown as a murder of himself? Does Sarah Palin suffer from another woman’s rape? Do the Kochs, those great democrats, cry when Hong Kong students are shot with rubber bullets? Is it just that the world is so bad, to see its badness for what it is is to make it even more bad for oneself? Must not one avert one’s eyes a little then, even if this requires withholding empathy, not only from those others deserving of it, but even and especially from oneself?”
- The New York Times Editorial Board: Andrew Rosenthal, Terry Tang, Robert B. Semple Jr., David Firestone, Vikas Bajaj, Philip M. Boffrey, Fancis X. Clines, Lawrence Downes, Carol Giacomo, Mira Kamdar, Juliet Lapidos, Ernesto Lonodoño, Eleanor Randolph, Dorothy Samuels, Serge Schmemann, Brent Staples, Masaru Tamamoto, and Jesse Wegman

“Thank God soon this will all be over.” - Darren Wilson

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Intrastellar: Never Leave Earth

“Somewhere out there, there is another suburb.” - tagline of Interstellar

“Matthew’s character is a kind of everywhiteman.” - Christopher Nolan

“I didn’t write ‘Interstellar,’ it came to me in the night, whispered by the Voice of the Blood.” - Jonathan Nolan

“Fuck leaving earth.” - Bandito Paul Krugman sabotages the Antares rocket

"I just don't get this shit. I was on board for Birdman Returns, Clone Magician, and Louis Vuitton: Inside the Bag but this crap just isn't believable." - A.O. Scott on Interstellar

“This movie asks the age-old question: if Batman were forced to flee his battered and diseased body, would he be able to find a new home in the body of a young and innocent--but sexually fulfilled--woman?”
- unauthorized Jonathan Nolan interview

"Oy I'll take care of your cabbage and wenches and things, while you're on the star lorry!" - Insterstellar wins Academy Award for Best Special FX for Michael Caine

"Everything about this is absolute bird shit, except for the parts where McConaughey acts like he's in other movies and maybe even commercials." - Manohla Dargis

"At least dying on a yacht is noble." - J.C. Chandor

“My goal is to make people forget classical music ever existed.”
- Hans Zimmer

"Only my ego can save celluloid now." - Christopher Nolan to Martin Scorsese at Leonardo DiCaprio's Apollo 13 Party, aboard a jet plunging 20,000 feet in a minute to simulate weightlessness

"Take me with you!" - Scott Brown chasing the party plane as it takes off

"If I divorced my wife I'd do what any father would: kidnap my children and take them to space." - Christopher Nolan to Alec Baldwin

“The universe is real but people aren’t.” - Christopher Nolan, first draft

“Climate change is real and so is the fantasy of escaping it.”
- James Cameron, note on the script

“Yeah, space, hey, listen--do you mind if I film you two fighting?"
- Christopher Nolan to Chastain and Hathaway

“Rockets are phallic symbols.” - Michael Caine, private Space Acting Seminar for Jessica Chastain and Casey Affleck

"It's a cross between a National Geographic Explorer doc and Steven Soderbergh's Solaris." - Christopher Nolan on Space is the Place

“History will not forgive us for mistaking Ann Hathaway for an interesting and important actress.”- Barack Obama, “Farewell to Governance” address

“‘Call of Duty,’ in space, without conflict or action." - Woody Harrelson describes Interstellar behind Matthew's back

"I was briefly entranced, but eventually bored to tears by McConaughey's flirty and comedic romance with the ship's computer. It just didn't service the wider drama of the potential end of humanity. The filmmakers should have followed through on the subplot, as in films like Fool's Gold (2008), and have them conceive an actual child after making love, something so hideous and beyond the pale that they have to love it and raise a truly new future for man." - Armond White

"You can't write that on your check's memo line."
"I'm Christopher Nolan, I can execute anything I fucking conceive."
- Nolan turned away from UBS for drawing cartoon space whale sex

“There is no such thing as ‘intelligence,’ much less that of the artificial kind. ‘Intelligence’ is race, or it is nothing.” - Charles Murray to Charles Rose, the Beauchamp Gardens Rose Garden

“Caine for Willis and Hathaway for Tyler I get. But stone-faced Matthew McConaughey? Young Ben Affleck's working class innocence and puppy dog charm better fit the role. Nolan's remake has transformed the joyful insouciance of the original into a self-serious apocalyptic myth, and he so lacks any sensibility for storytelling that he must raise the stakes of every decision to the epochal and metaphysical to give his films purpose. If Armageddon was for teenage boys, Interstellar is for college freshman deciding they definitely want to major in philosophy.” - Michael Bay finds his Voice at The Convention for Larger Televisions

“I am the tears welling in McConaughey's eyes, I am the fire bursting from the shuttle's engines, I am the dust storm and the child choking in the dust, my soul is a song sung by the cinema and Christopher Nolan is my mother. I am reborn!” - IMDB user TheRealAlGore

“Fuck space.” - Paul Thomas Anderson

"I can't believe people jog and talk at the same time. Vile." - Rust Cohle leaves for outer space

Monday, November 3, 2014

Death Stalks the Land

"If I die before my time, take comfort in knowing that I never really liked being alive." - Ben Affleck

"I feel like a man awaiting execution who has accepted that his life will no longer have any more content and is now content to spend his time in the prison yard taking in the sunshine." - Pharell, on writing “Happy”

“This has been a year of depressing realizations that I am too old to become anything other than what I already am, but worse.” - Angela Merkel, sending in the police

“When will I surrender the Final Surrender?” - Joe Biden, eating 10 pounds of banana pudding

“Speaking as an ape, I like my habitat.” - Jeff Koons

“To be unworthy of one’s crimes is the greatest mediocrity.” - Eliot Rodgers

“Only when you accept that you will not be remembered will you be free.” - Eric Frein

“It was all bad.” - the Aged One (Mitt Romney) explains life before the Fall to the younglings

“You people all together, you smell like a hospital.” - Obama to his Cabinet

“Apocalypse for some, freedom for all.” - Bill McKibben

“Ebola is the nectar of the darker gods.” - Truman Capote

"Does everyone's same blood move the same though? :whispers: Like other races." - Dr. Sanjay Gupta, live television

“Hipster Ebola, the Canadian ISIS!” - CNN

"Finally! A global news crisis happening a taxi ride away, at a pace and a level of intellectual sophistication we can totally phone-in. To the barricades!" - The New York Media

“Ebola: Nurse Union Plot? Only Ray Kelly Can Save Us” - the New York Post

“Technology, consumerism, and a bunch of overworked, underpaid nurses will save us!” - The New York Times

“My testicles dropped a full foot, is it ebola?!”
“Lol yes yr fucked 4 sure!”
- Chuck Schumer & Eliot Spitzer, via text

“This stone I cast at myself.” - Chris Christie locking himself into the bathroom

"The important thing is not to be afraid of getting Ebola but to fear everyone being afraid of getting Ebola." - Andrew Cuomo

“Magic Johnson has the cure for Ebola, and does he help his community? No, it’s up to me.” - Donald Sterling

"I hope they burn Brooklyn Bowl to the fucking ground!" - Vladimir Putin, tripping balls at Output

"Do they know it's Halloween in Africa?" - Michael Bloomberg, jumping the fence to Gracie Mansion

"With each step closer to you, the jokes get funnier. Some doctor in Texas? Whatever, quarantine the whole damn state, who cares and anyway it's one person in a country of three hundred million, those people are so fucking stupid. But you imagine him now, don't you? Riding the L to Bedford, getting out, walking to Brooklyn Bowl, his bowels silently churning themselves the whole time, what does he drink? A Sixpoint? A Brooklyn? Did he bowl or was he there for a show? You don't know, you don't read the news report about it, why would you, it's ridiculous, where did they say he lives? Sure, you want to be afraid, you want to give yourself over to the mass panic, to be a part of the only thing that unifies us. But mostly? You want to be him. You want to wake up in a quarantine tent with doctors dressed like spacemen above you, alone with your terror, to be the direct cause of a total sterility, to be the only stain in an all white room, to know you mean something before you die, as you die, to die right now, to die leaving a world more fearful behind you." - Ray Kelly

“Ebola outbreaks : medicine :: financial panics : economists. A corrective to Hubris.” - Dr. Phil

"What if we were led slowly through the desert and whipped bloody with chains, caking under the sun?"
"Grandpa what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Cormac McCarthy at Disneyland

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Two, Three, Many Scotlands

“The Scottish question distresses the bien-pensant liberals of all countries, not just those of Great Britain, because it lays bare the visceral contempt with which the model of the neoliberal, Anglo-American state is regarded even by its own citizens and, what is in fact much worse, dares betray that alternatives to it are possible, that this regime of misery and idiocy is over if you want it to be.” - Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, VICE columnist

“One can perceive in the desperate tenacity with which people cling to the pettiest of their pleasures proof of the essential badness of life. It is for this reason that the importance of nationalism can never be dismissed, analytically or normatively. Miserable as they are, porcelain bulldogs, Dr. Who, the Royals, Big Ben are our last line of defense against the Void. Thus we shall retain Scotland in the same manner as the Dutch acquired New Amsterdam: with a handful of trinkets.”
- Alistair Darling

“Much as mankind tries to put nationalism behind it, what do the kaleidescopic proliferation of fractures in every otherwise consolidated political bloc on the question of Scottish independence reveal but the persistence of the Nation, real and ineffable?” - Prince Charles to Vladimir Putin

“Nationalism is capitalism with a human face stapled to it.”
- Margaret Thatcher

“Nationalism is a reprehensible corruption of family worship.”
- the Queen

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.” - David Cameron, in response to a BBC reporter's question on when he thinks Scotland will be ready for independence.

“Every once in a while a man is asked to risk it all and stop a breached dam with his finger. For the Union, I am that finger.” - Gordon Brown, Sideways Peas Public House

“It’s better to be a concubine than a prostitute.” - George Galloway

“What one cannot seize and hold, one does not deserve to have.”
- Edward I

“To escape the trash-heap of liberal capitalism, humanitarian imperialism, and environmental degradation, everything is necessary, and anything is permissible – even Scotch.” - Ayatollah Khomeini

"If you stay you can take the Trident nuclear subs out past 10 o'clock." - David Cameron

“Only through the denial of others can we come to tolerate ourselves.”
- Morrissey

“I loved you when you were worthy of it; but since you have become a parricide, a firebug, a mountebank, a charioteer, I hate you as you deserve.” - David Bowie

“Macca's 'Temporary Secretary' taught me what it means to feel British and love the Queen.” - Rod Stewart

“You could have had it all!” - Boris Johnson to Edinburgh

"One Scotland? A thousand Scotlands!" - Jeff Bezos, Silicon Valley Secessionist Union

"Surely, part of me is Scottish..." - Prince Harry amasses powder and men in Glasgow

“Would you see an independent Scotland drown in the tears of its Queen?” - Piers Morgan, crying with rage, alone in the shower

“But I’m fertile!” - Kate

“Fear the rebirth of the dragon, and fear his demand of his weight in silver.” - HRH

"Her sex was like the fighter aces of the Great War." - Martin Amis' rejected submission to No Campaign

“Who would betray the Thunder Chattel betrays the nation.” - IOC Vice-President Sir Craig Reedie

“Th-they never loved me! Let’s do this guys! England will never again win Wimbledon but I DID!”
“Right, Andy.”
- Andy Murray, a bored Adidas handler, a disgraced ENT doc on back-spasm watch, an empty condo complex in Miami, a TV tuned to CNN, Sprite, one or more Malcolm Gladwell books, two competing records for Instagram checks in an hour, greasy discarded ointment tubes, power cleaned high fiber density carpeting, Papa Johns pineapple and mushroom (XL) 5 slices, Avatar hanging out of the Asus, the Saltire proudly magneted to the fridge.

“Scottish independence is the political liberation movement equivalent of getting drunk at a wedding and sleeping with someone you didn't know was your second cousin." - Sinn Feinn Official Statement

“Yeah, do it for the Falklands.” - Cristina Kirchner

“Well, we submitted the results of our referendum to Westminster years ago, but since no one could read it, we're still British.” - Dylan Thomas

“I believe in the authenticity of this referendum about as much as Samuel Johnson believed in the authenticity of the Ossian Cycle.”
- Terry Eagleton

"What! We're holding a referendum?! Why wasn't I briefed?"
"We're conducting this referendum on a need to know basis, James."
- Sean Connery and Mel Gibson

“You mean people are allowed to vote on that sort of thing?”
- Hillary Clinton

“We literally have nothing. Abandon yourself with erotic satisfaction to the sheer intellectual poverty you behold in our ‘advice-columns’ to the Scottish.” - establishment liberals of other countries

“What Palestinians must come to terms with is that liberal America only has room in its heart for one Tibet.” - Natalie Portman

“If only the Kurds were Buddhist, or if only California were full of fake Muslims.” - Henry Kissinger

“We'll take on the national debt of Scotland, no problem.” - Harvard Board of Trustees

“Why don't they just submit their request for statehood to the UN like a civilized nation?” - Mahmoud Abbas

“Without the Scottish, England will finally be conservative enough to apply for statehood.” - Rick Perry

“Adam Smith is long overdue to accede to his rightful place on a currency”. - Rand Paul

“This referendum is going to set our flag back 300 years!” - St. George

“You know it’s the right thing to do because all the villains are against it.” - Brian Cox

“Racism, that's the only explanation.” - Erdogan to Merkel, as overheard by GCHQ

“Half a league onward, boys!” - from an open letter to Scottish Parliament, signed by the new government of Crimea

“You never really leave England because England is Everywhere, England is Hell, You are England, and This Is It.” - President Obama, commencement speech at St. Andrew’s

“Okay, okay, my last offer. I’ve worked it out, and if you vote to stay with us, each and every one of you will wake up to find Franz Ferdinand’s complete discog in your iTunes, on your phones. We’ll take a jog and clear our heads, all right?” - David Cameron

“Well, I’d like you to eat it.”
“It’s--it’s not ready.”
“It’s insurance.”
“Why, if I eat this you’ll recon--”
- Alex Salmond, David Cameron, address to an uncooked haggis, eve of the election, Aberdeenshire

“Nobody cares that The Sun is eliminating Page 3, then?” - Sean Bean

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


"Jazz is such a literature!" - Macca

"That should have been me playing basketball with Miles Davis." - Macca

"Well, hey fellas, we haven't heard from me yet." - Macca keepin it light at a Wings band meeting

"For me it'll always be '67 and all the amazing things that happened then. What was your favorite Beatles year?"
- Macca on the Today Show

Macca Apologizes for Cover of "Springtime for Hitler"

"What we always liked about playing Berlin was the statch laws were vaguer there and everyone was always on blues." - Macca

"Yeah, I used to write songs about pressuring girls into sex but now I just write about how nice it is to make love to your old lady." - all of the former Beatles

"Drummers don't float!" - Macca, throwing Ringo off a yacht, Tampa Bay, 1967

"Macca? I hardly know her!" - Burt Reynolds driving off in an El Camino, 1977

"All I need is my hair color and a woman who could be in an uninteresting magazine." - Macca

"I'm a Paul McCartney's Paul McCartney."- Bono, on a North Korean radio that can only be turned down, not off

"The truth is, I can't name a single African recording artist." - Macca

"Everything about them, their teeth, dandruff ladies hair, the accents, the endless limericks and inside jokes, terrible. - George Martin

"And he said to me, 'I'd give it all up if I could just play bass like Paul McCartney.' Yeah. Wow." - Macca on Jimi Hendrix to an amazed Bob Costas

"I'm confident that when the dust settles and the long view is taken, history will remember the Beatles not for the long-hair and the pot, but for our farsighted criticism of the welfare state and our pioneering work in branding." - Macca

"I think peace is the important thing, yeah. Peace and love. You know we've givenem a lot? We should be like together. [...] Me old Dad liked Scotland, but he wouldn't of even stood for devolution, said it was like 'dogs guvenin' themselves,' could be lads. [...] Oh yeah, Rod [Stewart] was a Scot, he was. [...] I liked the Highlands best myself, but the memory is a bit smidged... Making love to a woman with one leg changes you, it's not like yesterday." - Macca on the Scottish independence referendum, Rolling Stone interview by special correspondent Ringo Starr

"In the end you were right, damn you, damn me, damn this dance we do." - John Lennon greets Macca in Hell

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Daydreams of Power

"Cats lick your feet at night, it's fucking uncanny." - Hillary Clinton, Brassed Balled Hard Road Memoir

"I had a dream last night that Mitt Romney was standing by the bed watching us sleep all night, to keep us safe."
"I had the same dream too honey, unless..."
- Paul and Janna Ryan on 2016

"This nation doesn't need a leader, it needs a figurehead." - Joe Biden

“What depresses me most is, we may actually live in a democracy.”
- Zephyr Teachout

"Elections must be rigged to spare the People embarrassment." - Putin

"Democracy is my bath towel." - Putin

"Why run for office when you can live it?" - Putin

"I assure you, it's worth it." - Putin

"Koni, that bitch, she took a piece of my thigh." - Medvedev

"Putin time traveled here from the past, sent by Peter the Great to protect the Race!" - Pavel Gubarev

"If Kurt Russell can't land that plane Laura, then literally no one can."
- George W. Bush to his wife while watching Executive Decision, the White House, 2005

"Zero Dark Dirty!" - Al Gore waiting for you naked in your hotel room in Islamabad

"Holy shit it feels good to be back on the War Team!" - Peter Beinart

"All the time." - Rahm Emmanuel on the Israel Ballet in Tel Aviv
"I want to run my hands through the dirt of the Land." - Sheldon Adelson whispering in Scarlett Johansson’s ear

“What we do today falls forever on deaf ears.” - Norman Finkelstein leads a sit in

"When I am accused of hypocrisy for associating with Zionists, I could say that just because someone is a Zionist does not mean that they are wholly bad, that I can be friends with a person without condoning every part of who they are, but instead I will simply say that I accept the accusation and admit that I am at times regrettably and selfishly amoral in my associations." - Conan O'Brien

"Sorry we treated you like the wogs, here's their land." - UN General Assembly Resolution 181

"Whether or not the Iron Dome works is besides the point if it makes the People feel safe to be afraid." - Bibi

"What are 1.8 million living human shields compared to 6 million dead ones?" - Khaled Mashal

"After I read that quote I have lost my pure black and white vision, now there are so many colors ahhhhhh! The light!" - James Joyce having a vision of the future or an ocular syphilitic attack

"Our god is an awesome god!" - Congressional Subcommittee of Sacrifice to Baal

"No! It was not given to Man to wield the power of the Manifold!"
"Not to Man... to Genius!"
- Neil de grass Tyson to Carl Sagan as the latter reveals himself godlike, universes coiling in his hair, a man of the atom; or, Steven Spielberg to the George Lucas as he applies CGI "updates" to the Zapruder film

“What if all the prophets were false?” - Jay Carney’s five-year-old daughter, looking up at him with searching eyes

“Ain’t no God in Louisiana, Son Boy, but there’s a Devil!” - Pa

"And even if there were a God, why do you think He would care?"
- Ray Kelly

"Nothing is more damning of this life than mankind's desperate need to believe in another." - National Flood Insurance Program motto
Ben Bernanke Arrested for Shooting His Broken Down Sedan with Shotgun
"In Buddhism there are many Hells..." - Barack Obama, quietly into the night, watching his daughters play in the backyard of the Hawaii compound

"You can't stop Ragnarok, Mommy, but you can meet the Fenris wolf on his own level." - Reagan the One-Eyed

"Hey, you're a mom." - why the drought won't affect you

"It's a spicy meatball!" - Malthus

"Cyber attack, nano strike!" - John McCain falling out of his California King Size bed, 2022

"Blood on the catfish!" - James Carville savagely attacking Paul Begalla with a fork at a bog dinner party

"Rattlesnakes in the bath! - Clinton awakes with a scream

“I can’t sleep at night, Ornette Coleman pursues me in my dreams!”
- Sean Parker, awaking just as a dust storm strikes Burning Man traffic

"Trial by combat!" - President Matt Damon, Miracleman

"My friends the Kochs want what any capitalists want: to convert the entire world into a steel object that they own." - Eric Cantor, Key Note Address at 'Koch Fest' before surviving a white tiger attack

"Shakespeare didn't even write his plays, I did." - Antonin Scalia

“I was at the Battle of Tours.” - Newt Gin Ginch to his recovered memory therapist

“We should put them all in camps.” - John McCain gets loose at the Ford Baths, Bohemian Grove

“Killing is fine so long as it is orderly and on schedule.” - Eisenhower

“Help! I'm Evil! Ebola patients came to me looking for help and I gunned them down! The blood got everywhere and it infected everyone and I fled!”
“It's ok. You're a white man. You have to do what you have to do. Everyone will understand.”
- Sean Penn and Nicholas Kristof

"Goddamnit, I just want to feel something!" - John Boehner, pounding the steering wheel with his fist while he argues with his wife on the way to pick up the kids, or, numb on cocaine, fitting his dick into a meat grinder

"What's wrong with me can't be fixed doctor."
"Maybe, maybe not, son, but I'm going to graft this indestructible metal to your bones."
- Dr. John Boehner with teenage runaway Eric Cantor

"The life of the cheetah is so cruel. How can they bother to live?"
"Because they know not how to ask. Such is God's mercy to beasts."
- John Boehner and Eric Cantor watching the Discovery Channel, last day of work

"Did it ever really matter? Did we ever really care? Or was it all just about slapping backs, fancy lunches, a rental place in Georgetown?"
- Lt. Cmdr. John Boehner to Sgt. Eric Cantor just before they are annihilated by the Impersonal Force

“Smash all illusions until the only one left is yourself and then smash it too.” - Peyton Manning, from his autobiography The Perfectibility of Man and Other Myths, forward by John Gray

“How can I monetize my despair?”
“I dunno how bout get a job.”
- Al Gore after crashing for 10 weeks on Bill Clinton’s Harlem couch

“You’ll never be truly free.” - Ornette Coleman to a pianist

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Fascist Foodies

"If it's not al dente, it's just not pasta." - Mussolini

"That kale is not on the menu of every restaurant in this country is literally a crime against humanity." - Hitler

"I only drink Mexican Coke." - Franco

"Hmm... Do I want truffled fries or avocado fries?" - Imelda Marcos

"Freshly cooked steel-cut oats are the only fucking way I can start the day." - Stalin

"I carry a small bag of tamari almonds with me everywhere I go."
- Eva Peron

"The only thing I love more that quinoa is muff." - Gertrude Stein

"Is this arugula collectively farmed?" - Trotsky

"I drink wine from the skulls of desaparecidos to feel more Chilean."
- Pinochet

"Man was born to die." - Food Renunciationist Oswald Mosley

"I don't eat anything I haven't killed myself." - Ariel Sharon

"Chocolate, anyone?" - Putin, serving slices of Ukraine

"At table the Führer made another strong plea for vegetarianism. I consider his views correct. Meat-eating is a perversion of our human nature. When we reach a higher level of civilization, we shall doubtlessly overcome it." - Paul McCartney

"Vegetarianism, veganism, locavorism--all overreactions to the Fallenness of Man." - Michelle Obama

"People say Freud is dead, but all I see is oral regression."
- Caliph Ibrahim

"Send monsieur up a whore and a pot of coffee, immediately."
- François Hollande's secretary

"More slaw?" - only line of dialogue written from Al Gore's unfinished World War II screen treatment Copper Willed Men Together

“Why, I do believe I'll have the slaw with that ham sandwich!!!” - FDR screaming at a lunch counter, Biloxi, MS

"Alright folks, group lunch. Let's hand out the burgers, one for each and then we'll share those sides, right? Ok, where's the slaw?"
"Well. Mr. President, usually Jay would get the slaw."
::His mouth open, vacant stare, a humming sound...::
"Mr. President?"

"Always have it on hand, always." - Bill Clinton, "Re: Slaw," first declassified memo, Clinton Presidential Library

"What's all that in the fucking tub, James?"
"Get in, Mary!"
- the Carville Household Slaw Tub

"That cake looks like shit." - FDR

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Forever War, or, The Sustainability of Evil

"It's okay, no one cares anymore, you can kill them all this time if you want, or not, it doesn't matter." - John Kerry

"Whether you believe that Zionism and liberalism are essentially incompatible depends on how invested you are in thinking of yourself as a liberal instead of simply as a racist." - Peter Beinart

"Don't just watch the news, fucking motorboat it." - VICE News

"Climb every mountain, break every ceasefire." - Julie Andrews reading stories at a UN refugee camp

"Our blood is more precious!" - Ayelet Shaked attacking her daughter's ballet class

"It is no longer enough to drive the Jews into the sea. When this is accomplished, we will trade in our rockets for torpedos." - George Galloway

"Why think about things when you could make money off of them?"
- Dieudonné 

"The only good Jew is an anti-Semitic Jew." - Slavoj Zizek

"Violence is the only thing that matters." - Bibi whispering in the ear of his waiter as he tips big

"Would you rather push a thousand buttons or one button a thousand times?" - Vote for Hillary

"We knew we could count on him." - Hamas on Netanyahu

"My ancestors' suffering gives me the right to kill you!" - David Frum fighting Rashid Khalidi for the last chicken wing, MSNBC green room

"The Left has lost its monopoly on the hysterical." - Bernard-Henri Levy

"What we're seeing in Gaza is just another episode in the ancient struggle between the people and the State." - apparent foreign policy genius Joe Biden

"The first rule of modern urban warfare is that a threat can come from anywhere. In fact, threat is a kind of intrinsic property of the architectural environment itself. Every window, every wall, every stairway, every door, every playground, every brick and every stone, is a physical manifestation, as if out of Void, of anti-Semitism, and it must all be destroyed." - Matan Vilnai

"The double standard being imposed on Israel is unbelievable. No other country in the would be expected to accept this level of threat from its mass-imprisoned underclass." - Alan Dershowitz

"Why Israel? Because we care more when it's white people involved. When the news is on, I can barely tear myself away from the screen."
- Tahsin Beg, Yezidi spiritual leader

"What you are missing amidst all the talk of war crimes and occupation and human suffering is that it is undisciplined, unprincipled political laziness relying on the safety of insular coteries that we have to thank for history's greatest opportunities in urban renewal." - Michael Bloomberg

"This is not a Christian land, and Christian morality, of which every condemnation of Israel's conduct towards the Arabs stinks, does not apply here. This is the Future." - Elie Wiesel, key note address to AIPAC Policy Conference 2014

"The truth is, there is no end game here. We'll do what we have to do and say what we have to say to keep this going forever." - Moshe Ya'alon

"On the one hand, one admires the Israelis for their Nietzscheanism and is moved by the force of their rhetoric, the clarity of their vision, the purity of their violence, the vividness of their hatred, and, on the other hand, it's all very Game of Thrones." - Lena Dunham

"Nothing you say on this blog can be as crazy as the things Zionists say in real life." - Yochanan Gordon

"I did what I did out of selfishness, cowardice, and weakness. I confess this to you with no expectation of forgiveness, let alone of pity, nor with any hope that I may salvage from this self-awareness any semblance of integrity, honor, or respect. On the contrary, it only deepens my shame. Hate me. I deserve it. I share your disgust for me and your contempt for what I have done. The righteousness of your anger is the only consolation left to us." - Barack Obama to a dead Palestinian child

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Outer Heaven in Our Time

"How dare they challenge the Forever Peace!" - John McCain on ISIS

"We're sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons and meanwhile the real libertarian dream is being lived in the Islamic State!" - Elon Musk overturns the game table at the Marin County Community Center

"What will the wogs do without the borders we provided them?"
- Winston Churchill to Mark Sykes in Hell

"The truth is, we didn't know what we were doing, we only knew that it was long past time for the colonial order to fall, so we gave it a push."
- Donald Rumsfeld

"I am the Angel of History." - George W. Bush 

"Where's the fast-forward?" - Bibi, fiddling with the Button

"...And so the last Emperor said, 'Why not let the Jew rule this land?' And peace echoed in perpetuity." - Book of Drone

"But what if this region were Rebooted as a series of air conditioned domes? Air conditioned societies! The whole of the Middle-East could be like the Qatar World Cup. It wouldn't be charity, investors would achieve a return in a responsible way, while the region's governments could safely dispose of excess labor populations. Win for win."
- Bill Gates, TEDxNYU Abu Dhabi

 "Can you feel the wind rising?" - Godzilla

"A currency doesn't need or want a state, only credit." - Chief Bitcoin Alchemist The Eternal Winkolvii, Athens: Open City

"It's not that things have to stay the same, necessarily, but that we can see no alternative to the status quo. Until you dwell in the sublime myopia of dogma and allow yourself to See No Further, you'll keep making the mistake of trying to give us something tangible that you think we want. We want you to plug in, little battery, and hum on until you burn out." - from "Succumbing to the Portal's Expanding Zone," Official Chamber of Commerce White Paper

"In the New China, we are free even of a sense of purpose."
- Optimus Xi

"The only way out is on top." - libertarian social policy, or, General Stanley DarkChrystal sending an entire Stanford University Center for International Security and Cooperation seminar to their deaths in a futile effort to take Pod 78

"Where's the submarine Davos Angel?"
"She went into the trench, sir."
"My God... All of the Thought Leaders are on board!" 

"A mind is a terrible thing." - Gen. Michael Hayden looks out on NSA pocket dimension Tartarus II

"Functions of the Imperial War Machine don't die, they just disaggregate." -  Totally Independent and non-Pentagon Affiliated Military Analyst Fmr. General Barry McAffrey

"Columbus, Sir Francis Drake, Magellan--these men weren't just explorers, they were CEO's!" - Timothy Geithner listens to his son give his high school class graduation speech and is horrified, he now knows it is necessary to turn against nature and destroy him

"Obviously, under the principles of asesthetic and monetary competition things will get out of hand and a Most Dangerous Game will be initiated. I for one cannot wait. Once you've shot all the wolves, your drones have to chase something." - Sheryl Sandberg promoting her new book Tilt Your Fucking Head to the Right a Little Bit

"I believe that superintelligent dragons once ruled the world." - Peter Thiel, Dreams From My Lizard Father     

"I'm sick of this shit. There will never be any such thing as robot overlords. People wield power over others because it's fun. Machines can't have fun. Take away the desire to dominate, the pleasure it gives, you take away the need to rationalize domination, the perfection of which is imagined by the paradoxical figure of the robot overlord. People who are afraid of being ruled by robots are idiots, and people who want to be ruled by robots are like Maxim readers masturbating with oven mitts." - Michael Bloomberg stroking the neck of an cyborg flamingo

"Big Data told me you were the One for Me." - Clinton interrupts the Oodawallah High School Prom Queen Coronation Ceremony

"I wouldn't go through that ranch if I were you, even if there is water there."
"That's Dr. Paul's ranch. If he catches you there he'll accuse you of stealing his gold and conduct horrible experiments upon you."
"What kind of experiments?"
"Experiments in extreme individuality."
- Madeline Albright Mark Wahlberg lead the Survivors south to safety in Mexico

"The fastest man on Venus couldn't outrun his dual psyche..." - tagline for Jodorowsky's Pistorious Rex

"That ass is crazy and it works like a steam engine."
- Steampunk Clinton

"There is a limit to Fucking." - Thomas Piketty

"Turn me into a vessel for Tomorrow!" - motto on cover of Hobby Lobby Employee Manual with picture of a rocket ship

"Once a woman owns her own uterus, property is meaningless!"
- Justice Samuel Alito, The View 

"We can't keep women in chains, but we can get them pregnant."
- John Boehner

"Privacy is a key concept in American jurisprudence, but we must take care that the doctrine applies only to the Government and never to the more sublime spheres of Power." - CJ Roberts, Ignorance v False Consciousness, 321 US 486 (2000 Forever)

"If you can spread it on a cracker, you can serve it to a liberal."
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Don't you, see, it's about the fucking thrill! The license! Thrill, license, libertarianism, war, religion, freedom, futurism--they're they same, you see?, Absolute! It's like scraping the face of God!" - Antonin Scalia snorting pure blog

"What does Justice Alito always clutch in his hand, so close to his heart?"
"The black stone!"

"Let me lay down some status quo on you." - Anthony Kennedy, first sentence of every opinion

"Believe in yourself: You're a white man." - John Roberts, teaching his son not to move out of anyone's way when he walks down the street

"Excuse me, sir--"
"Just coz I'm black doesn't mean I work here!"
- Clarence Thomas and his clerk

"I'm not racist, I'm just saying, if you had to choose between 'pure blood' and 'impure blood,' what would you do? Exactly. Pure blood every time." - David Mamet to his Tisch Seminar

"The Brown must suffer that this land may be rich." - California State Motto 

"Some immigrants, like some aliens, mean to do us wrong."
- Steven Spielberg 

"Why not let the Market decide the Jewish Question?" - Ron Paul

"Thanks to me black people are now accepted as white ethnics."
- Spike Lee

"The national instrument of Germany is the fretless bass."
- Victor Wooten, Big in Germany

 "For a moment, the Nation was real!" - Dilma

"If national stereotypes are not real in sports, then there is no such thing as sports." - Henry Kissenger

"In honor of today's victory, we offer unconditional political asylum to Edward Snowden!" - Angela Merkel

"All these stadiums, Dilma, while children of the favelas go hungry, why?!"
"...Outer Heaven!"

"Put on a record."
"There are no records!"
"Haw haw haw!"
- Bush Birthday Bash, Kennebunkport Compound

"It's just easiest to be against the future in a general sense." - Grandpa Mitt to his secondary spawn

"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Who cares: it's young."
- Mitch McConnell and Roy Blunt before fucking/eating alive a Senate page

"I just don't like this Blog. I prefer the smile of collusion."
- Lana Del Rey

"My youth is youth as such, and if you don't understand that, you're fucking poor." - Michael Cera

"My youth is my curse; my life, my penance." - Jesse Eisenberg

"I want, therefore I have." - Georgina Bloomberg

"There are way too many bras in the cafe." - Bushwick Clinton

"There's a pencil on a desk at the Clinton Foundation waiting to be pushed by you, young man, if only you renounce." - Ira Magaziner, Brown University Career Fair

"This age is not worth writing a hundred novels about." - Balzac

"Literature has written itself into the ground." - Attention Reform Advocate Jeff Bezos

"And over there regular people were once given books for free." - Bill Daley, The Chicago and Other Cities Still Riding High on How Awesome They Were in the 19th Century Tour

"Total madness, it's almost like the Chicago police can't overcome a national market for firearms." - Super Guns and Big Women editor Lance Clip begins to feel nagging doubt, Peoria, IL

"Let the ants fight, but let them fight with knives!" - Rahmandias

"Kill every peacock!" - the Sun King

"Don't you see it, baby?
"See what?"
"All the Evil everywhere." 

"Father didn't understand. He just wanted things to stay the way they were. But things don't stay they way they used to be. They never even really were they way they used to be really. We're cartoon cats that have always already run past the cliff of history. All I did was look down." - George W. Bush, writing a preface to a new edition of George Sorel's Reflections On Violence on a jetty at Kennebunkport

"There's George Bush! Should we push him into the waves?"
"No. He can't hurt anyone anymore."
- Keith Richards and Sir Mick Jagger vacationing in Kennebunkport

"My Dad will make sure all of you are killed." - Liz Cheney in line at the post office

"I'm not saying Saddam was responsible for 9/11. What I'm saying is that in the aftermath of 9/11, our leaders had an obligation to do everything possible to prevent terrorists from gaining access to even worse weapons. Saddam’s Iraq was the most likely nexus for such an exchange. The war in Iraq, the War on Terror, these are but pieces of a Larger War, a war against probability, against chance, a war in which victory will bring about not just a lasting or even everlasting peace, but the abolition of Time." - Dick Cheney

Monday, June 9, 2014


“Yes, God?”

"Man is the technology of God's self-overcoming." - Sergey Brin

"Man invented God to give meaning to his self-destruction by witnessing it." - Bowe Bergdahl

"God invented fucking so He could watch!" - Pope Balloon Catheter IV

"You think you're looking God in the eye, but really it's his asshole."
- Al Gore on why he left politics

"God dwells inside the flesh of men. He wants to be set free." - Alan Dershowitz to Michel Foucault, The Barracks

“Only God forgives, and all forgiveness springs from Him alone. Therefore, a single-payer system is blasphemy, for man must not usurp the office of the Lord.” – Edward Snowden before converting to the Orthodox Church

“‘Religion’ is an oxymoron. The very idea of it implies the coexistence of multiple ‘faiths’ that, to be understood as such, must share common denominators. But the True has nothing in common with the False. Therefore, there is no such thing as religion. There is only the fact of God, my God, who circumscribes the boundaries of my world, and the fact of the inhumanity of those Others who, because they have no relationship to God, have no relationship to me. What we must do is wipe away the historical conditions which make ‘religion’ possible, so that people, my people, will have a more sincere, atavistic intimacy with the Divine, and more honest relationship to the Enemy.”
- Ross Douthat

“God is just a name for the limits of our understanding. This explains why both the learned and the ignorant understand things in terms of God. The ignorant, because the less one understands, the more one sees God, and so the ignorant see God in everything. The learned, because when their inquiries come to an end, what remains unexplained is God. If nothing remains, then the thought of the learned is the thought of God, and so the learned see God in the mirror. Yet if something does remain unexplained after even the most exhaustive inquiries, then this is proof of God’s real existence as something other than the fantasies of the ignorant or the narcissism of the learned.”
- Putin, accepting an honorary doctorate from the Donetsk State University of Management

"Let us raise great Walls in human understanding, the better to secure our academic fiefdoms!" - Neil de Grass Tyson 

"God is a white man." - Arizona State Motto

Friday, June 6, 2014

Lance & Friends

"Yeah, I helped kidnap those Nigerian girls." - Lance Armstrong via satellite, Sky News

"I'll pay the fine and buy the girls and ensure their return if Magic Johnson gets on his knees and admits he was it that killed Christ!"
- Donald Sterling with Anderson Cooper

“I am the Turin Horse of world sport.” - Lance

“I’ll ride Qatar into the fucking ground like a mongrel! I can’t believe FIFA would do this to Big Bill, with Spike and Brad Pitt watching... It’s only begun, our dance.” - Bill Clinton after smashing a mirror in his Zurich hotel room, 2022 World Cup Host Country Announcement

“He’d better have an anxiety disorder, he murdered his fucking girlfriend.” - Lance on Oscar Pistorius, Sports Center

"I told you it would end like this." - Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes

"Big Women have no place on bikes." - Sec. of Transportation Lance Armstrong, Rubio Administration

“I’m leaving my job as White house Press Correspondent in order to spend more time exploring my sexual horizons.” - Jay Carney, press conference

“I’m a white man. I have to follow my desires.” - Jay Carney breaks the news to his wife

“You can’t quit on me, pal, I’ll make everything you love disappear like that!” - President Obama, slapping his palm on a copy of Capital in the Twenty-First Century

"The only escape plan I ever needed was divorce." - Lance on the Thai Coup

“Dissent with your sperm, obey with your cock.” - Zhang Yimou

“My message to Liu Han is, I feel you, man. We didn't break the rules. We played by the secret ones." - Lance, RT

“Sing a song of Power!” - Peng Liyuan

“This June 4th, let us remember nothing.” - Jiang Zemin

“I am the Tank Man.” - Lance Armstrong

"How much economic growth is the life of one student worth?"
- Kevin Jennings

"Look, Chinese people, I know family is, like, this thing for you, and history shows that your capacity for self-delusion is limitless, but look: all those people on that fucking airplane are dead." - compensated Malaysia Airlines spokesperson Lance Armstrong

"There are no Chinese People, only packs of yellow dogs." - Xi Jinping 

“What if they go down to that black box and they find Satan?!”
- Tony Abbot

"Our real problem here is that Malaysians are given the power of flight." - Ann Coulter

"Global Warming is caused by people who don't ride bikes and who ask way too many fucking questions." - Lance

“What I most regret about 2004 is never getting the chance to cultivate a friendship with Lance Armstrong.” - John Kerry

“I’m in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but only as a sideman.” - Lance

“I can’t tell you, Lance, what satisfaction it gives me, a man whose job it is to lay the groundwork for flying robots to carry out extrajudicial murders of American citizens, to lecture degenerates on justice.”
- John Kerry to an empty chair, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse

“Your tears do not move me. Eat your vegetables. You want to grow up to be a big, strong liar.” - Lance

“Skype with your kids.” - Bill Clinton public service announcement billboard

“I hope my children take a trade.” - Lance

“Don’t be a pussy.” - John Kerry’s email to Edward Snowden, accidentally sent to his entire contact list

“Palestinian elections are the exceptions that proves the rule.” - Bibi

"I often come across migrants stranded in the desert on my Ultra Rides. I supposed I could stop to save them or at least offer comfort before they perish, but it would shave seconds off My Time." - Lance, Perpetual Training

"The wine is on me!" - King Juan Carlos partying with Antonio Banderas, Lil B, and Lance Armstrong

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Consent Is Impossible

Consent is impossible under patriarchy.

Consent is impossible under NCAA rules.

Consent is impossible on television.

Consent is given unasked for on the internet.

Consent does not limit liability absolutely.

Consent is impossible under the US Constitution.

Consent is impossible under the Carter Doctrine.

Consent is impossible under the Reagan Doctrine.

Consent is given in advance by the Bush Doctrine.

Consent is impossible in a modern state without the biopolitical manufacturing of compliant subjectivities.

The consent of the unborn is voiced by dead white men.

Consent is the form of appearance of command.

Consent is for God, cleanup for Caesar.

Consent is what you’re getting paid for.

Consent is impossible through mere cumulative growth.

Consent is impossible through mere redistribution of surplus.

Consent is impossible with wealth.

Too big not to consent to.

Consent is impossible in China.

Consent is running out in Hong Kong.

Consent is impossible in Ukraine.

Consent is impossible in Russia.

Consent is impossible in an occupied territory.

Consent is impossible between two invented peoples.

Consent is impossible between two non-self-identical subjects.

Consent is impossible after the linguistic turn.

Consent is impossible in Euclidian space.

Consent is impossible in the anthropocene.

Whether consent is possible depends on how you think about it, which depends on whether you want it to be.

Consent is possible, despite all these things, but sex is still masturbation with another person’s body.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Ultimi Barbarorum, Ultimi Porcorum

“Her crime was having elbows, breasts, and epilepsy." - Assistant District Attorney Erin Choi

“It’s time to send a message about white privilege.” - Cyrus Vance Jr., sipping deeply from a cool glass of delicious irony

“If this won’t provoke them, I’m out of ideas.” - consulting detective Ray Kelly

“The jurors are sorry? Were they instructed to think nothing would come of it?” - a fifth-grade civics class

"The criminal justice system is a system of political repression. The war on drugs, stop-and-frisk, spying on Muslims, discriminatory use of hate crime laws against the very same people they're ‘supposed’ to protect, spurious warrants used to terrorize poor families and to pre-emptively arrest activists, entrapment of mentally disabled 'terrorists' and teenage anarchists, Ramarley Graham, Trayvon Martin, it’s all the same. Cops are the bad guys, and prosecutors and judges are just pigs in white collars. I hope that now that this lesson has been presented to you, white liberals, in a form resembling yourselves, you will finally remember it. I can’t make it any clearer to you than this." - Judge Ronald Zweibel

“I don’t see what the big deal is, we all know that police oppression, however regrettable, is acceptable under the cost-benefit analysis of Progressivism.” - Bill de Blasio

"To call the McMillan verdict a 'miscarriage of justice' slanders justice by associating it with courts. To criticize it as obscene is superfluous. Obscenity, and American Puritanical delight therein, is the point. The medium is the message." - George Zimmerman

"For defending herself, a victim of sexual assault was prosecuted by a women and convicted by a jury that was two-thirds female. The system works!" - Candidate Clinton

"I knew the Defendant was guilty when I heard evidence that she had ordered a full pint at the local pub instead of a Lady's half-pint."
- NeoVictorian Juror No. 6

“Exercising her rights?! Dressed like that?! Your honor, when my two favorite askings-for-it converged in the body of the same woman, I just couldn’t help myself!” - Police Officer Grantley Bovell

“You have the right to remain an unorganized jelly without stimulus response, legal recourse, or social recognition.” - the Constitution of the United States

“What would happen if instead of taking plea bargains, everyone demanded a trial? Some say that the criminal justice system would be paralyzed by gridlock, and a valuable lesson learned by all, but this strikes me as a little naive. Things would just look more like Egypt.”
“Ah, but this is what the Egyptians don’t understand: You don’t need show trials.”
- Andrew Cuomo and Eric Holder before being shushed at a screening of Triumph of the Will, Anthology Film Archives

“America was founded on the idea that everyone is free to do what they want as long as they don’t infringe upon the freedom of others to do the same. What is freedom but power, the power of individuals to pursue their own happiness, and what is State Power but the guarantor of this freedom, and, therefore, font of all freedom? What about Power--it's rights, it's freedom, it's happiness?! Was not Miss McMillan, in exercising her right of free speech, infringing on the rights of Power, it’s freedom to rule, to make us free!?!” - Jon Stewart “finding common ground” with Bill O’Reilly over a thousand tiny beers at McSorley’s

“Rizzo lives!” - Wall Street graffito

“Better to drop bombs on African-American neighborhoods in Hell than beat a white woman with a club in heaven. - Frank Rizzo

“We need a Bull Connor of the Left.” - Michael Bloomberg

"Any hesitation whatsoever in complying with the physical aggression of a police officer upon one’s person is criminal. If you so much as flinch when a pig’s hand brushes your genitals in a routine stop-and-frisk, you’ll find your face on the curb. Punch a cop who gropes your breast, you could be facing seven year in jail. Pigs expect obedience that is beyond--no, beneath--canine. A dog one expects to have to train. From a human, pigs expect instinctive submission--an ecstatic, organic synchrony of will between master and slave. The pig believes his touch is never wrong and that this is something everyone should know in their very nerve endings. In short, pigs think everyone is just as servile as they are. " - Rudy Giuliani, consulting webinar

“We pigs are constitutionally indignant, you see. Skepticism towards power is not the foundation of democracy, but a betrayal of it. Doubt is an admission of guilt. Don't people read the social contract before they sign it?” - Teddy Roosevelt in bed with a horse

"Power is the death of life and the death of death. Who holds a club or wears a gun is my brother. The law is my slogan. The asp is my sign. The trial is my protest, the protest of power against the powerless. The way I am is the way people oughta be.” - Fraternal Order of the NYPD, initiatory rites

“‘Joy is an animal doing what it is trained to do,’ says Liam Neeson. Pigs agree.” - the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association

“Yes, the police are the private army of the State and, by extension, of the vested interests and ruling cliques that run it, and, yes, the police are ultimately the instrument of larger, impersonal systems of economic, racial, gender-based, sexuality-regulating, technoscientific, and biopolitical domination, all those things are true, but, never forget, at the end of the day, the police fights for itself, which is not at all the same thing as saying that we fight for the law. Every arrest is a ritual that creates the problem—the ‘need’ for police—that it seems to solve. Do bad things happen? Do people sometimes need to be stopped doing what they are doing, immediately and even forcefully if necessary? Yes, of course. But why should this responsibility—which is nothing but the responsibility that all people have to each other—be delegated to a professionalized paramilitary force? How much more powerful a deterrent would it be for a person to know that if she were to transgress, she would implicate the entire community into having to deal with her? The police exist to atomize society, to disrupt the communism that is always there as the social default, waiting to be realized.” - Bill Bratton, speech to new recruits

“Are all cops really pigs? Aren’t you exaggerating? What is it you want? No police? What would we do then, without a police force to protect us from each other? We’d all just, what? Get along? Take care of one another? Work through our differences? What about my rights?!”
- Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2006

Monday, May 5, 2014

Cosmic Tones for Mental Therapy

“We must impose the Form of the Computer on Society!”
- Mayor Ed Lee christens a new Google Bus

"’Transhumanism’ is the brand that will finally drive all the scum to the East Bay." - Sergey Brin

"The 'singularity' was a metaphor for me getting unfathomably rich."
- Ray Kurzweil

“If anyone can be turned into a computer program, it’s a rich white man.” - Dmitry Itskov

“The future is the straight-to-video sequel to the past.” - Reed Hastings

“All history is oral history.” - the NSA

"Internet: The Internet is the global population control system. Operated by the Cybernetic World-Mind, the Internet’s physical substrate is maintained by a caste of priests called Engineers."
- from the Dictionary of Hard-Coded Ideas, 20[unclear], Year of the Neo-Saxon

"In my time zone, extinction is already a fact." - the Machine God

"But, Mommy, I want to look on His face!"
"Quiet, child, are you trying to get us killed?!"

"COME WE SEEK YOUR BETTERMENT AND ENLIGHTENMENT SHOW YOURSELVES.” - flying police bots rounding up human capital in the Tenderloin, 2046

“The idea of robot police is absurd. The whole point is to the capture the social surplus of animal aggression and sublimate it, make it serve the Order it else would undermine.” - Ray Kelly, TEDxRikers Island

“What the hell are you doing?!”
"Look, the Algorithm said it was cool!"
"Well, hey, man, whatever Al wants."
- Jay Carney walks in on Gurbaksh Chahal beating his girlfriend

"All this fake money isn't even real!" - Sean Parker, the Day the Bitcoins Died

Portal Emissary Offers Debt Amnesty for Pledge of Fealty

“Do it! Freedom knows no limit other than what state violence and Google can impose upon it!” - Cameron Winklevoss cheering on his brother Tyler as he accepts a friend request from Kim Jong-un

“Maybe there’s another life for me… in space.” - Cory Booker

“Virgin soil…” - Mars colonist Clinton

"I coded my love for you into the metadata." - Edward Snowden, message to Lindsay Mills

"Sharing isn't caring, it's fucking digging your own grave with the calcified stick remains of your dreams." - Jason Lanier to a class of pre-schoolers on Web 2.0

"’Innovation’ is the magic word that makes exploitation okay." - Tim Cook

“The people have to be told how well we govern them. How else will they know?” - Eric Schmidt

"Where I overlap with the more sinister elements of the Coming Technocracy is that my depthless promotion of Science and Technology incorporates no attempt to cultivate in my audience an attendant ethic of cautious, critical thinking about the possible social effects of technology. The message is simply that the responsible, adult attitude to take towards technoculture is one of childish enthusiasm. The more enthusiastic, the more responsible. You can't really blame me, though, because how many opportunities does astronomy afford to teach such lessons? That's precisely what's so ingenious about the market forces that have chosen me to be their public intellectual." - Neil deGrasse Tyson

“That biopolitical capture, that instantaneous production-consumption-commodification of affect, by the Status Update in general and those beginning with demonstrative pronouns and ending as incomplete sentences in the particular.” - the Based God, status update

"I love drones because they boil war down to economy and therefore to civil war. War is no longer primarily about governments competing to destroy each other’s resources, but is instead is a contest between governments to see which can exploit their own populations most to make killer robots." - Jeff Bezos crashes the first Amazon Prime Air drone into the Freedom Tower

"'Value' is beyond good and evil and all other binary oppositions. Value is never opposed to some one other thing; it is opposed to every other thing. There is value, and there is everything else." - Martha Stewart

“What if all this--late capitalism, biopolitics, the society of control--is merely the historical expression of a fundamental nihilistic paradox in human consciousness?” - George Clooney interrupting Steven Soderbergh’s painting seminar in Marin

“I dread the day the Bolivarian Federation seizes control of our space weapons!” - Michael Hayden

“I want to rover…” - Mars colonist Clinton, looking at the bots real strange

"What if everything just stayed the same and never got better or changed at all?" - Al Gore, Inventor of the Internet