"Isn't that tornado beautiful?"
"We're going to die here, aren't we?"
- Mitt and Tagg driving through rural Wisconsin to return unused victory fireworks
"Maybe my best years are behind me...."
"At least you can look forward to your chest flesh getting soft, hahahahaha!!!!"
- Justin Bieber and Kurt Russell, set of The Man Without Qualities
"What did I do to deserve this?!"
- Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Pope Benedict Ratzinger
"I'm never going to get laid again am I?"
"Not with that weird and stupid penis, haw haw haw!!!!"
- Rob Lowe and Scott Brown, 1988 Democratic National Convention in Atlanta
"God, Dad, what the hell have you done?!" - Tagg finds Mitt lying in a pile of discarded two-liters
"When we do cross-fit together and do the power lunges you look so damn foolish it's all I can do to keep from shitting myself.." - Janna Ryan to Paul Ryan
"Come on, baby, it feels nice." - Ann Coulter cutting a line of meth on her stomach for Tagg
"The first time we kissed I remember when that piece of apple fell from your mouth into mine. You really damned all my dreams to Hell." - Allen West to the golden skull he knows only as Nirgal
"At least elephants recognize themselves when they look in the mirror." - Karl Rove on Crossroads donors
"At times like this, what can I do but turn to my faith, which I know is only more alienating." - Mitt/Mike Huckabee
"That guy's a fucking psycho. You know I think he really does wish Obama the best." - Mitch McConnell
"You should really spay that thing."
- Bob Barker and Fmr. Sen. Kay Bailey-Hutchinson walking their dogs, Gulf Shores
"I want an MRI!"
"And I want you to take a damn shower."
- Harrison Ford coming out of a 'hash trip' and stumbling upon his family
"Democracy is total bullshit but we could easily handle it better than Florida." - Raul Castro
"I bet you've got that sweet gig ready for me now, eh?"
"Oh yeah, I proclaim you honorary Drone Pilot, haw haw haw!"
- The President brings Sen. John Kerry to tears
"How about we'll abolish welfare, but we'll also abolish the police?" - Chuck Schumer conducting the Grand Bargain
"I would have thought that, of all positions in the American government, the Director of the C.I.A. would be free of expectations of ethical conduct." - Daniel Craig
"I need to take this time to spend more time with my family because they hate me." - David Petraeus
"In celebration of our democracy and of our leader's glorious reelection, all detainees have been sentenced to a hundred victory laps around the compound!" - Joint Task Force Guantanamo commander Rear Admiral David B. Woods
"Hell, I'm so happy, I might even give them trials!" - Eric Holder
"I keep them here to remind me of the heavy responsibilities of leadership and the thrill of murder." - Obama explaining why the Oval Office is lined with photos of drone strike casualties
"The path forward is uncertain, but the potential for regression is infinite." - Jay Carney