Thursday, December 30, 2010

Tyrant, I Love Thee!

"I kill for thy Power and I know not why!" - Tony Blair

"Will and Kate will not have servants?! Who then will protect them from Catholicism?!" - Nicholas William Peter Clegg

"I know thee, Spirit! I drove thee out of my aunt and into my mistress!" - Harry Wales
Pleasure machine
Charlie Sheen
I get off while the Palin children scream!
- Andrew Sullivan
"Love isn't a seminar." - Lydia Davis to Paul Auster

"Oh god it's 1980 and we're Steely Dan!" - The Editors

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

New York Is the Moscow of My Heart

"There are no poor people in New York." - Michael Bloomberg

"There is no such thing as looting." - Ed Koch

"I'm just a humble servant of misallocated capital." - Cathie Black

"I offer Mr. Assange permanent sanctuary in the gleaming luxury towers of the new Atlantic Yards (which are Russian territory, after all), as well as all the compliant, tight-lipped whores that my colleague Mr. Prokhorov's checkbook can supply." - Bruce Ratner

Monday, December 27, 2010

I Don't Want to Die in China

"What do you mean you didn't bring any jade?" - Hu Jintao to George W. Bush

"I've found a deep reservoir of evil in my soul. When I touch it turns to misty vapor which smells of jasmine." - Evan Osnos

"Mr. Zuckerberg, your appetite outpaces even what Macau can offer!" - Justin Yifu Lin

"Instead of allowing our currency to rise as the Americans wish, I propose pegging it to the lust of our women." - Xie Xuren

"My only problem with China is they never pick up the tip." - State Peace and Development Council of Burma

"Taiwan is nothing to me but a decadent Nantucket." - George H.W. Bush

"You should see my twisted feet!" - Jackie Chan

"Without rare earths our mecha are useless! All is lost! Let the dolphins go and stop pushing people into trains for we are as the dust now!" - Japan

"China offered me jade, but America offered me a book deal." - Julian Assange

Make Art Not Love

"The anemia of commerce prevents the malaria of art."
- Julie Mehretu

"Sex, like art, is only a weapon of class war." - Raj Patel

"Sex is but a means of regulation and of no intrinsic worth."
"What has intrinsic worth?"
- Saddam Hussein, Hans Blix, 2003

"I think clearest when I'm fucking, for it is only then when I achieve the kind of emotional detachment and cold abstraction necessary for critical thought." - Michael Phelps

"Ah, but what is the beauty of Man next to that of a fine thoroughbred?" - Teddy Roosevelt before making love to a horse

The Third Rome

"I am glad that God impregnates women so that we don't have to!" - Pope Benedict XVI

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dispatches from Bloomburg

"So it must make you feel a little less like a human being that you live in the city where Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will play." - Julie Taymor

"In tens, twenties, and fifties, please." - Actors' Equity Association

"How tasteless." - NYRB, on Wikileaks

"There is an urgent need for ideology-free, empirically-based editorial positions expressing the views of the wealthy about the pressing issues of our time, and we plan to deliver them." - Jamie Rubin

"I'm not sure I understand. Is it anything like having a hot flash?" - Cathie Black, on guilt

Sunday, December 19, 2010

When I Speak, I'm Lying

"When I speak, thousands of young girls wave colored flags in concert." - Kim Jong Il
"When I speak, millions of people move in chaos to produce the goods of commerce." - Hu Jintao

"When I speak, I appear immediately on television." - Barack Obama

"When I speak, my word becomes Law!" - Hugo Chavez

"When it is mandatory to produce discourse, it is revolutionary to remain silent." - AT&T

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Don't Ask Don't Tell Burns in Hell

The List of the Pigs:

Alexander (R-TN) Enzi (R-WY) MCCAIN (R-AZ)
Barrasso (R-WY) Graham (R-SC) McConnell (R-KY)
Bennett (R-UT) Grassley (R-IA) Risch (R-ID)
Bond (R-MO) Gregg (R-NH) Roberts (R-KS)
Brownback (R-KS) Hatch (R-UT) Sessions (R-AL)
Bunning (R-KY) Hutchison (R-TX) Shelby (R-AL)
Chambliss (R-GA) Inhofe (R-OK) Thune (R-SD)
Coburn (R-OK) Isakson (R-GA) Vitter (R-LA)
Cochran (R-MS) Johanns (R-NE) Wicker (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN) Kyl (R-AZ)
Cornyn (R-TX) LeMieux (R-FL)
Crapo (R-ID) Lugar (R-IN)
DeMint (R-SC) Manchin (D-WV)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The World's Greatest Deliberative Body

"I went to the fucking cross-roads last night!" - Sen. Kent Conrad D-ND

"Don't you ever fuck with Bernie Sanders." - Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT

"If you could hear yourself speak through another's ears you would not think so highly of yourself." - Sen. Olympia Snowe to Sen. Susan Collins

"Even though you're a hysterical shrew I value your opinion, and I want all sides at the table." - Sen. Mitch McConnell to Sen. Scott Brown

"Just after I come, I give a hollow, ironic laugh that new partners interpret as demeaning. It is." - Sen. Blanche Lincoln

"It was wet! It was wet! It was wet! It was wet! And then it was no more." - Chris Dodd, D-CT, during his last speech on the floor

"Look, Pat, I married now. I have a kid. Equality doesn't matter to me." - Sen. Patrick Harrison to The Editors

Monday, December 13, 2010

What the Wiki Leaked

"Shoot, coward. You're only killing a blogger." - Glenn Greenwald

"Bin Laden is alive in Ibiza. He owns a nightclub called Scores."
- Richard Holbrooke, 2007

"Counterinsurgency is the new Peace with Honor." - Richard Nixon

"I'm am the tea and the saucer is merely my illusion." - 2nd Lt. Prince Harry Wales, last sighting in Kandahar 2011

"To George Washington and General Bolivar!" - Klaus Barbie

"He who bites the Master's hand shall have his hair caressed by the undertakers." - Dimitri Medvedev on Julian Assange

"I wrote those books for the sex." - Horatio Alger

Sunday, December 12, 2010

"Sparrow Hills"

Buried a journalist's body
'neath Vorobyovy Gory
'neath Vorobyovy Gory
Was where they found you

Moon still and hoary
'bove Vorobyovy Gory
Shined on shovels' glory
And my jujitsu

Wind through burning forests played
"Managed Democracy"
But liberalizing promises made
Were never to be

Though they're far apart
Chechnya and Old Muscovy
It's not so unlike Grozny
'neath Vorobyovy Gory

- Fats Putin

Friday, December 10, 2010

Barack Brobama

Barack Obama: Here's, what I'll say is, uhh, I've been keeping the First Lady waiting for about half an hour so I'm gonna take off, but, uhh...

Bill Clinton: --and I, and I don't want to make her mad. Please go.'re in good hands, and, uhh, and Gibbs will call last questions. [unintelligible]

BC: Yeah. Help me. Thank you. Yeah, uhh, go ahead.

Judd Apatow: Mr. President, uhh, is there anything else that can be done, in your opinion, to loosen up the private credit markets that have been so tight? It, I mean, if people can't get their hands on Capital, how can they be the entrepreneurs that they want to be? And this is something the Republicans have fought all along. What's the next step?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Hate Supreme

"Emotions exist solely to be sublimated into Art and serve no other use." - Adorno

"The fact that Céline made immortal works of art does not diminish his anti-Semitism, it deepens it!" - Hans Heiner Eggebrecht

"This is tearing musicology apart!"
"I'm glad something is."
- Richard Taruskin

"Forgiveness? I forgave the people of France." - Robespierre

"Fuck 9/11 rescue workers." - wealthy Senators, poor whites

"Barack Obama is a stranger to Power." - Michael Bloomberg

"Democracy is Stockholm Syndrome." - Sen. Mitch McConnell

"Yeah, the quotes are pretty funny, but the anger is merely symptomatic." - Barack Obama

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

FREE ASSANGE, Part 4: Celebrity Edition

"We don't know how he got access to a camera, but it seems despite our best efforts Mr. Assange has released a rape-themed sex tape from the confines of his London prison cell." - Leon Panetta Director, Central Intelligence Agency

"Twat." - John Lennon

"Now that they've got Assange, Public Enemy number one - THE MOON." - Michael Bay

"Assange was an inside job." - Willie Nelson

"Yeah... I gave Iran a space laser, so what? I'm Sir Richard fucking Branson." - Sir Richard Branson

"Mommy, I dreamt there was an Assange in my closet again..." - Justin Bieber

Blogging Is Advertisement

"I'd rather be fucking a Brazilian woman." - Colin Firth

"A stiff glass of bourbon with one ice cube, a fat joint, and a loaded .45 with the serial numbers filed off."
"What is: the only way to stay sane?"
"That is correct."
- Alex Trebek to a mirror

"It's a simple deterritorialization of the self." - Kobe Bryant

"Man, I really like Lie to Me."
"Good luck."
"With what?"
"Sending your kids to college."
- The Editors

"Maybe poetry will help?" - Lady Gaga on WikiLeaks

"Lucky for me my most important message is in song!" - Bibi Netanyahu on the same

Free Assange, Part 3: Diagram of Concomitance

Above: The Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was driven into into Westminster Magistrates Court in London on Tuesday

  • Students defile Greek banks in protest of the seizure of a bank account opened by Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. Bank officials claim asset seizure is justified by false information in Mr. Assange's given place of residence, Ancient Sparta.

Mark E. Smith, pissed as tits in touchless heaven at having been awoken early Tuesday evening by all the commotion, pens one of the Fall's most snarling singles of the year: "Australians in Europe.....They just..nevahh...LEEEAVVVE!"
  • "No. Now. No, now see here liebchen, Chancellor Merkel requires Der Spiegel for her morning shit and El Pais for her evening shit."
  • David Cameron, halfway through his aide's weekly youth music mixtape, speaks aloud to no one, "Hm, the XX might just be my new favorite guitar band. Hm."
  • Elsewhere in Europe: 7-year old Glaswegian, nob-Jamie, coughs blood: 'Thank god it's not christmas!,' he quips to the gulls; some new rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born; 'I'm sorry, Mr. Bono, your MasterCard has been declined'; '-What? Try Visa'; Sweden sleeps very well, again; the World Cup goes to Qatar; the banks--

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Free Assange, Part 2

"He must be fucked!" - Sen. Joe Lieberman on Julian Assange

"If a woman fucks a man with an ass' head on a midsummer's night in Sweden, will Interpol get involved?" - William Shakespeare

"Roll the fucking dice!!!" - Vladimir Putin

"I don't have a goddam thing to do with it, man!" - Wikipedia

"Sure, I gave him the servers when he said he'd pet me." - Jeff Bezos

"This is the room where many of the old ambassadors used to have their trysts. See there's a bird cage in the corner there. There's no bird in it now though. It's dead." - Sec. Hillary Clinton to Julian Assange at the Belgian Black Site

"When Assange told me that his rape charges were 'trivial' compared to the actions of the Unites States government abroad, I thought that was just dynamite. That's the kind of nuanced, amoral thinking that Americans just aren't capable of. But the thing he just doesn't get is that speaking truth to power doesn't work any more, at least not to this power. We all knew Iraq and Afghanistan were fucked--that the wars were based on lies, executed with disastrous incompetence, that local leaders are corrupt, et cetera. We didn't need documents to tell us. And you know what? We didn't care. It'll be the same when Mr. Assange gets disappeared. Everyone will know. Most of us will probably even feel bad about it. But none of us will care." - Larry King

"Fasten your seat belt, Jules. It's going to be a bumpy ride." - Louis Auguste Blanqui

Saxe-Coburg and Gotha in Israel-Palestine and Hell

"Jerusalem belongs to Pagan Rome!" - Prince Philip

"Only I can dissolve the Palestinian Authority!" - Kate Middleton

"Remove all the salt from the Dead Sea. I only bathe in clear water." - H.M.

"Kill every brown dog in the city." - Prince Charles in Dubai after being told by the Dali Lama that Diana Spencer's soul had entered a brown dog

"Before my last breath I will again rub an English monarch's naked body against the Wailing Wall." - H.M.

"After I ate hashish with the local Taliban commanders I started to see life differently. I will only sleep in my tent." - Prince Harry

Free Assange

"It wasn't rape-rape."  - Whoopi Goldberg

"Abloo-bloo-bloo!  Ablargh!  Ragdabloogadee!"  - Glenn Greenwald

"We've found the most effective strategy is pouring hot wax on our testicles" - Harper's Editorial Staff

"Who the hell is Julian Assange?  And where the fuck are my poodle-skin slippers?"  - Vladimir Putin

"I long to strike wildly at his body until my hands are warm and wet." - Sen. Mitch McConnell on Julian Assange

"Don't feel too sorry for him. You can still run websites and fuck whores in Swedish prisons." - Angela Merkel

"I haven't had a hard-on this big in years." - Dick Cheney

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Blood dance, bile dive

"Every time I go out on a limb, it breaks." - the Fat Man

"I don't want to hurt you, but neither do I have any ethical qualms about doing so."-Dr. Sanjay Gupta

"Quick everyone to the chamber of commerce!" - Jeb Bush after accidentally reading the blog

"On the day of the wedding rubbers will be distributed to all the common folk." - Prince Philip

"You know he's one of the most prolific and notorious perverts of our age?" - Bill Kristol on Jonah Goldberg, The O'Reilley Factor

"Oh I'll get women back in rubber rafts again." - Lance Armstrong in Las Vegas

"No man publish them all at once, but put the good ones in the back so the Czar won't read them." - The Editors

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Sex Is Terrifying And Repulsive

"This is man: but shadow on shifting sand." - Roger Ebert

"That's all it takes, one drop of fear, to curdle love into hate."
- James M. Cain

"That's all it takes, one drop of fear, to curdle hate into love."
- Hiroshi Teshigahara

This Minstrel Does Not Lie

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Burn in Hell

A Series of Off-Color Remarks

"Anything is possible if you set your sights low enough."
- Cornel West, on the election of a merely black President

"And, it is said, Chappelle replied to one that gave him joy of his victory that one more such victory would utterly undo him."
- Plutarch

"Fear and paranoia. Vicarious Semitophilia. Glenn Beck wants more than anything else to be a victim, covets more than anything a victim's right of infinite retribution. Who are we to deny him?"
- Sonia Sotomayor

"Why are so many American Indians obese?"
"Because they live in poverty."
- Sanjay Gupta, Larry EchoHawk

"Most devious of all is the notion that the sounds 'nigga' and 'nigger' are two different words, when they are so clearly just different pronunciations of the same word. It's just a damn trap to demean white people by making them feel ignorant and then forcing them to affect some black-sounding accent. For godsake, just let me say what comes naturally--and what could come more naturally out of a white man's mouth than 'nigger'?"
"I don't know, I don't have these kinds of hangups. Black people are the only people I still trust."
- Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

On the Cusp of Lawfulness

"Only Form is revolutionary." - Rachid Bouchareb

"I also fight for a just cause. I fight for the grandeur of France."
- David Lloyd Johnston

"One should disdain one's work." - Colonel Jean-Marie Bastien-Thiry

"A mediocre artist loves himself for being pointless, a great artist hates himself for being important." - Robert Oppenheimer

"Why make an Algerian War movie when the Algerian War already made a movie?" - Roger Ebert

"Tobacco is the only reason for patriotism." - Jane Fonda