Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Two, Three, Many Scotlands

“The Scottish question distresses the bien-pensant liberals of all countries, not just those of Great Britain, because it lays bare the visceral contempt with which the model of the neoliberal, Anglo-American state is regarded even by its own citizens and, what is in fact much worse, dares betray that alternatives to it are possible, that this regime of misery and idiocy is over if you want it to be.” - Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, VICE columnist

“One can perceive in the desperate tenacity with which people cling to the pettiest of their pleasures proof of the essential badness of life. It is for this reason that the importance of nationalism can never be dismissed, analytically or normatively. Miserable as they are, porcelain bulldogs, Dr. Who, the Royals, Big Ben are our last line of defense against the Void. Thus we shall retain Scotland in the same manner as the Dutch acquired New Amsterdam: with a handful of trinkets.”
- Alistair Darling

“Much as mankind tries to put nationalism behind it, what do the kaleidescopic proliferation of fractures in every otherwise consolidated political bloc on the question of Scottish independence reveal but the persistence of the Nation, real and ineffable?” - Prince Charles to Vladimir Putin

“Nationalism is capitalism with a human face stapled to it.”
- Margaret Thatcher

“Nationalism is a reprehensible corruption of family worship.”
- the Queen

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.” - David Cameron, in response to a BBC reporter's question on when he thinks Scotland will be ready for independence.

“Every once in a while a man is asked to risk it all and stop a breached dam with his finger. For the Union, I am that finger.” - Gordon Brown, Sideways Peas Public House

“It’s better to be a concubine than a prostitute.” - George Galloway

“What one cannot seize and hold, one does not deserve to have.”
- Edward I

“To escape the trash-heap of liberal capitalism, humanitarian imperialism, and environmental degradation, everything is necessary, and anything is permissible – even Scotch.” - Ayatollah Khomeini

"If you stay you can take the Trident nuclear subs out past 10 o'clock." - David Cameron

“Only through the denial of others can we come to tolerate ourselves.”
- Morrissey

“I loved you when you were worthy of it; but since you have become a parricide, a firebug, a mountebank, a charioteer, I hate you as you deserve.” - David Bowie

“Macca's 'Temporary Secretary' taught me what it means to feel British and love the Queen.” - Rod Stewart

“You could have had it all!” - Boris Johnson to Edinburgh

"One Scotland? A thousand Scotlands!" - Jeff Bezos, Silicon Valley Secessionist Union

"Surely, part of me is Scottish..." - Prince Harry amasses powder and men in Glasgow

“Would you see an independent Scotland drown in the tears of its Queen?” - Piers Morgan, crying with rage, alone in the shower

“But I’m fertile!” - Kate

“Fear the rebirth of the dragon, and fear his demand of his weight in silver.” - HRH

"Her sex was like the fighter aces of the Great War." - Martin Amis' rejected submission to No Campaign

“Who would betray the Thunder Chattel betrays the nation.” - IOC Vice-President Sir Craig Reedie

“Th-they never loved me! Let’s do this guys! England will never again win Wimbledon but I DID!”
“Right, Andy.”
- Andy Murray, a bored Adidas handler, a disgraced ENT doc on back-spasm watch, an empty condo complex in Miami, a TV tuned to CNN, Sprite, one or more Malcolm Gladwell books, two competing records for Instagram checks in an hour, greasy discarded ointment tubes, power cleaned high fiber density carpeting, Papa Johns pineapple and mushroom (XL) 5 slices, Avatar hanging out of the Asus, the Saltire proudly magneted to the fridge.

“Scottish independence is the political liberation movement equivalent of getting drunk at a wedding and sleeping with someone you didn't know was your second cousin." - Sinn Feinn Official Statement

“Yeah, do it for the Falklands.” - Cristina Kirchner

“Well, we submitted the results of our referendum to Westminster years ago, but since no one could read it, we're still British.” - Dylan Thomas

“I believe in the authenticity of this referendum about as much as Samuel Johnson believed in the authenticity of the Ossian Cycle.”
- Terry Eagleton

"What! We're holding a referendum?! Why wasn't I briefed?"
"We're conducting this referendum on a need to know basis, James."
- Sean Connery and Mel Gibson

“You mean people are allowed to vote on that sort of thing?”
- Hillary Clinton

“We literally have nothing. Abandon yourself with erotic satisfaction to the sheer intellectual poverty you behold in our ‘advice-columns’ to the Scottish.” - establishment liberals of other countries

“What Palestinians must come to terms with is that liberal America only has room in its heart for one Tibet.” - Natalie Portman

“If only the Kurds were Buddhist, or if only California were full of fake Muslims.” - Henry Kissinger

“We'll take on the national debt of Scotland, no problem.” - Harvard Board of Trustees

“Why don't they just submit their request for statehood to the UN like a civilized nation?” - Mahmoud Abbas

“Without the Scottish, England will finally be conservative enough to apply for statehood.” - Rick Perry

“Adam Smith is long overdue to accede to his rightful place on a currency”. - Rand Paul

“This referendum is going to set our flag back 300 years!” - St. George

“You know it’s the right thing to do because all the villains are against it.” - Brian Cox

“Racism, that's the only explanation.” - Erdogan to Merkel, as overheard by GCHQ

“Half a league onward, boys!” - from an open letter to Scottish Parliament, signed by the new government of Crimea

“You never really leave England because England is Everywhere, England is Hell, You are England, and This Is It.” - President Obama, commencement speech at St. Andrew’s

“Okay, okay, my last offer. I’ve worked it out, and if you vote to stay with us, each and every one of you will wake up to find Franz Ferdinand’s complete discog in your iTunes, on your phones. We’ll take a jog and clear our heads, all right?” - David Cameron

“Well, I’d like you to eat it.”
“It’s--it’s not ready.”
“It’s insurance.”
“Why, if I eat this you’ll recon--”
- Alex Salmond, David Cameron, address to an uncooked haggis, eve of the election, Aberdeenshire

“Nobody cares that The Sun is eliminating Page 3, then?” - Sean Bean

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


"Jazz is such a literature!" - Macca

"That should have been me playing basketball with Miles Davis." - Macca

"Well, hey fellas, we haven't heard from me yet." - Macca keepin it light at a Wings band meeting

"For me it'll always be '67 and all the amazing things that happened then. What was your favorite Beatles year?"
- Macca on the Today Show

Macca Apologizes for Cover of "Springtime for Hitler"

"What we always liked about playing Berlin was the statch laws were vaguer there and everyone was always on blues." - Macca

"Yeah, I used to write songs about pressuring girls into sex but now I just write about how nice it is to make love to your old lady." - all of the former Beatles

"Drummers don't float!" - Macca, throwing Ringo off a yacht, Tampa Bay, 1967

"Macca? I hardly know her!" - Burt Reynolds driving off in an El Camino, 1977

"All I need is my hair color and a woman who could be in an uninteresting magazine." - Macca

"I'm a Paul McCartney's Paul McCartney."- Bono, on a North Korean radio that can only be turned down, not off

"The truth is, I can't name a single African recording artist." - Macca

"Everything about them, their teeth, dandruff ladies hair, the accents, the endless limericks and inside jokes, terrible. - George Martin

"And he said to me, 'I'd give it all up if I could just play bass like Paul McCartney.' Yeah. Wow." - Macca on Jimi Hendrix to an amazed Bob Costas

"I'm confident that when the dust settles and the long view is taken, history will remember the Beatles not for the long-hair and the pot, but for our farsighted criticism of the welfare state and our pioneering work in branding." - Macca

"I think peace is the important thing, yeah. Peace and love. You know we've givenem a lot? We should be like together. [...] Me old Dad liked Scotland, but he wouldn't of even stood for devolution, said it was like 'dogs guvenin' themselves,' could be lads. [...] Oh yeah, Rod [Stewart] was a Scot, he was. [...] I liked the Highlands best myself, but the memory is a bit smidged... Making love to a woman with one leg changes you, it's not like yesterday." - Macca on the Scottish independence referendum, Rolling Stone interview by special correspondent Ringo Starr

"In the end you were right, damn you, damn me, damn this dance we do." - John Lennon greets Macca in Hell

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Daydreams of Power

"Cats lick your feet at night, it's fucking uncanny." - Hillary Clinton, Brassed Balled Hard Road Memoir

"I had a dream last night that Mitt Romney was standing by the bed watching us sleep all night, to keep us safe."
"I had the same dream too honey, unless..."
- Paul and Janna Ryan on 2016

"This nation doesn't need a leader, it needs a figurehead." - Joe Biden

“What depresses me most is, we may actually live in a democracy.”
- Zephyr Teachout

"Elections must be rigged to spare the People embarrassment." - Putin

"Democracy is my bath towel." - Putin

"Why run for office when you can live it?" - Putin

"I assure you, it's worth it." - Putin

"Koni, that bitch, she took a piece of my thigh." - Medvedev

"Putin time traveled here from the past, sent by Peter the Great to protect the Race!" - Pavel Gubarev

"If Kurt Russell can't land that plane Laura, then literally no one can."
- George W. Bush to his wife while watching Executive Decision, the White House, 2005

"Zero Dark Dirty!" - Al Gore waiting for you naked in your hotel room in Islamabad

"Holy shit it feels good to be back on the War Team!" - Peter Beinart

"All the time." - Rahm Emmanuel on the Israel Ballet in Tel Aviv
"I want to run my hands through the dirt of the Land." - Sheldon Adelson whispering in Scarlett Johansson’s ear

“What we do today falls forever on deaf ears.” - Norman Finkelstein leads a sit in

"When I am accused of hypocrisy for associating with Zionists, I could say that just because someone is a Zionist does not mean that they are wholly bad, that I can be friends with a person without condoning every part of who they are, but instead I will simply say that I accept the accusation and admit that I am at times regrettably and selfishly amoral in my associations." - Conan O'Brien

"Sorry we treated you like the wogs, here's their land." - UN General Assembly Resolution 181

"Whether or not the Iron Dome works is besides the point if it makes the People feel safe to be afraid." - Bibi

"What are 1.8 million living human shields compared to 6 million dead ones?" - Khaled Mashal

"After I read that quote I have lost my pure black and white vision, now there are so many colors ahhhhhh! The light!" - James Joyce having a vision of the future or an ocular syphilitic attack

"Our god is an awesome god!" - Congressional Subcommittee of Sacrifice to Baal

"No! It was not given to Man to wield the power of the Manifold!"
"Not to Man... to Genius!"
- Neil de grass Tyson to Carl Sagan as the latter reveals himself godlike, universes coiling in his hair, a man of the atom; or, Steven Spielberg to the George Lucas as he applies CGI "updates" to the Zapruder film

“What if all the prophets were false?” - Jay Carney’s five-year-old daughter, looking up at him with searching eyes

“Ain’t no God in Louisiana, Son Boy, but there’s a Devil!” - Pa

"And even if there were a God, why do you think He would care?"
- Ray Kelly

"Nothing is more damning of this life than mankind's desperate need to believe in another." - National Flood Insurance Program motto
Ben Bernanke Arrested for Shooting His Broken Down Sedan with Shotgun
"In Buddhism there are many Hells..." - Barack Obama, quietly into the night, watching his daughters play in the backyard of the Hawaii compound

"You can't stop Ragnarok, Mommy, but you can meet the Fenris wolf on his own level." - Reagan the One-Eyed

"Hey, you're a mom." - why the drought won't affect you

"It's a spicy meatball!" - Malthus

"Cyber attack, nano strike!" - John McCain falling out of his California King Size bed, 2022

"Blood on the catfish!" - James Carville savagely attacking Paul Begalla with a fork at a bog dinner party

"Rattlesnakes in the bath! - Clinton awakes with a scream

“I can’t sleep at night, Ornette Coleman pursues me in my dreams!”
- Sean Parker, awaking just as a dust storm strikes Burning Man traffic

"Trial by combat!" - President Matt Damon, Miracleman

"My friends the Kochs want what any capitalists want: to convert the entire world into a steel object that they own." - Eric Cantor, Key Note Address at 'Koch Fest' before surviving a white tiger attack

"Shakespeare didn't even write his plays, I did." - Antonin Scalia

“I was at the Battle of Tours.” - Newt Gin Ginch to his recovered memory therapist

“We should put them all in camps.” - John McCain gets loose at the Ford Baths, Bohemian Grove

“Killing is fine so long as it is orderly and on schedule.” - Eisenhower

“Help! I'm Evil! Ebola patients came to me looking for help and I gunned them down! The blood got everywhere and it infected everyone and I fled!”
“It's ok. You're a white man. You have to do what you have to do. Everyone will understand.”
- Sean Penn and Nicholas Kristof

"Goddamnit, I just want to feel something!" - John Boehner, pounding the steering wheel with his fist while he argues with his wife on the way to pick up the kids, or, numb on cocaine, fitting his dick into a meat grinder

"What's wrong with me can't be fixed doctor."
"Maybe, maybe not, son, but I'm going to graft this indestructible metal to your bones."
- Dr. John Boehner with teenage runaway Eric Cantor

"The life of the cheetah is so cruel. How can they bother to live?"
"Because they know not how to ask. Such is God's mercy to beasts."
- John Boehner and Eric Cantor watching the Discovery Channel, last day of work

"Did it ever really matter? Did we ever really care? Or was it all just about slapping backs, fancy lunches, a rental place in Georgetown?"
- Lt. Cmdr. John Boehner to Sgt. Eric Cantor just before they are annihilated by the Impersonal Force

“Smash all illusions until the only one left is yourself and then smash it too.” - Peyton Manning, from his autobiography The Perfectibility of Man and Other Myths, forward by John Gray

“How can I monetize my despair?”
“I dunno how bout get a job.”
- Al Gore after crashing for 10 weeks on Bill Clinton’s Harlem couch

“You’ll never be truly free.” - Ornette Coleman to a pianist