"Cats lick your feet at night, it's fucking uncanny." - Hillary Clinton, Brassed Balled Hard Road Memoir
"I had a dream last night that Mitt Romney was standing by the bed watching us sleep all night, to keep us safe."
"I had the same dream too honey, unless..."
- Paul and Janna Ryan on 2016
"This nation doesn't need a leader, it needs a figurehead." - Joe Biden
“What depresses me most is, we may actually live in a democracy.”
- Zephyr Teachout
"Elections must be rigged to spare the People embarrassment." - Putin
"Democracy is my bath towel." - Putin
"Why run for office when you can live it?" - Putin
"I assure you, it's worth it." - Putin
"Koni, that bitch, she took a piece of my thigh." - Medvedev
"Putin time traveled here from the past, sent by Peter the Great to protect the Race!" - Pavel Gubarev
"If Kurt Russell can't land that plane Laura, then literally no one can."
- George W. Bush to his wife while watching Executive Decision, the White House, 2005
"Zero Dark Dirty!" - Al Gore waiting for you naked in your hotel room in Islamabad
"Holy shit it feels good to be back on the War Team!" - Peter Beinart
"All the time." - Rahm Emmanuel on the Israel Ballet in Tel Aviv
"I want to run my hands through the dirt of the Land." - Sheldon Adelson whispering in Scarlett Johansson’s ear
“What we do today falls forever on deaf ears.” - Norman Finkelstein leads a sit in
"When I am accused of hypocrisy for associating with Zionists, I could say that just because someone is a Zionist does not mean that they are wholly bad, that I can be friends with a person without condoning every part of who they are, but instead I will simply say that I accept the accusation and admit that I am at times regrettably and selfishly amoral in my associations." - Conan O'Brien
"Sorry we treated you like the wogs, here's their land." - UN General Assembly Resolution 181
"Whether or not the Iron Dome works is besides the point if it makes the People feel safe to be afraid." - Bibi
"What are 1.8 million living human shields compared to 6 million dead ones?" - Khaled Mashal
"After I read that quote I have lost my pure black and white vision, now there are so many colors ahhhhhh! The light!" - James Joyce having a vision of the future or an ocular syphilitic attack
"Our god is an awesome god!" - Congressional Subcommittee of Sacrifice to Baal
"No! It was not given to Man to wield the power of the Manifold!"
"Not to Man... to Genius!"
- Neil de grass Tyson to Carl Sagan as the latter reveals himself godlike, universes coiling in his hair, a man of the atom; or, Steven Spielberg to the George Lucas as he applies CGI "updates" to the Zapruder film
“What if all the prophets were false?” - Jay Carney’s five-year-old daughter, looking up at him with searching eyes
“Ain’t no God in Louisiana, Son Boy, but there’s a Devil!” - Pa
"And even if there were a God, why do you think He would care?"
- Ray Kelly
"Nothing is more damning of this life than mankind's desperate need to believe in another." - National Flood Insurance Program motto
Ben Bernanke Arrested for Shooting His Broken Down Sedan with Shotgun
"In Buddhism there are many Hells..." - Barack Obama, quietly into the night, watching his daughters play in the backyard of the Hawaii compound
"You can't stop Ragnarok, Mommy, but you can meet the Fenris wolf on his own level." - Reagan the One-Eyed
"Hey, you're a mom." - why the drought won't affect you
"It's a spicy meatball!" - Malthus
"Cyber attack, nano strike!" - John McCain falling out of his California King Size bed, 2022
"Blood on the catfish!" - James Carville savagely attacking Paul Begalla with a fork at a bog dinner party
"Rattlesnakes in the bath! - Clinton awakes with a scream
“I can’t sleep at night, Ornette Coleman pursues me in my dreams!”
- Sean Parker, awaking just as a dust storm strikes Burning Man traffic
"Trial by combat!" - President Matt Damon, Miracleman
"My friends the Kochs want what any capitalists want: to convert the entire world into a steel object that they own." - Eric Cantor, Key Note Address at 'Koch Fest' before surviving a white tiger attack
"Shakespeare didn't even write his plays, I did." - Antonin Scalia
“I was at the Battle of Tours.” - Newt Gin Ginch to his recovered memory therapist
“We should put them all in camps.” - John McCain gets loose at the Ford Baths, Bohemian Grove
“Killing is fine so long as it is orderly and on schedule.” - Eisenhower
“Help! I'm Evil! Ebola patients came to me looking for help and I gunned them down! The blood got everywhere and it infected everyone and I fled!”
“It's ok. You're a white man. You have to do what you have to do. Everyone will understand.”
- Sean Penn and Nicholas Kristof
"Goddamnit, I just want to feel something!" - John Boehner, pounding
the steering wheel with his fist while he argues with his wife on the
way to pick up the kids, or, numb on cocaine, fitting his dick into a
"What's wrong with me can't be fixed doctor."
"Maybe, maybe not, son, but I'm going to graft this indestructible metal to your bones."
- Dr. John Boehner with teenage runaway Eric Cantor
"The life of the cheetah is so cruel. How can they bother to live?"
"Because they know not how to ask. Such is God's mercy to beasts."
- John Boehner and Eric Cantor watching the Discovery Channel, last day of work
"Did it ever really matter? Did we ever really care? Or was it all just about slapping backs, fancy lunches, a rental place in Georgetown?"
- Lt. Cmdr. John Boehner to Sgt. Eric Cantor just before they are annihilated by the Impersonal Force
“Smash all illusions until the only one left is yourself and then smash it too.” - Peyton Manning, from his autobiography The Perfectibility of Man and Other Myths
, forward by John Gray
“How can I monetize my despair?”
“I dunno how bout get a job
- Al Gore after crashing for 10 weeks on Bill Clinton’s Harlem couch
“You’ll never be truly free.” - Ornette Coleman to a pianist