Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I'll Fuck When I'm Dead

“I want to fuck you the old fashioned way.” - Sean Connery

“I want to fuck you like an insect.” - Bjork

“I want to fuck you like your mother.” - Joan Crawford

“I want to fuck your mother.” - Michael Caine

“Your cunt smells boring.” - Her Majesty inspects the Bride

“Just close your eyes and neigh.” - T. R.

"I wanna fuck everything!" - Google

"I know, I'll trick her as a swan! Why fuck when you can surprise fuck?" - Zeus Clinton

“You gotta dig yer nails in, don’t be afraid to bite it!” - Rick Parry, Big Fuck City, TX

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Tigris Moralia: Reflections from Damaged Life

"To conform to a sick society is to become ill. To succeed in a sick society is to cultivate one's sickness, to improve upon it, to weaponize it. Success, therefore, has nothing to do we being 'well-adjustment' or 'well-being.' Success is a syndrome caused by socially advantageous pathologies." - Amy Chua & Jed Rubenfeld, The Triple Package: How Three Unlikely Traits Explain the Rise and Fall of Cultural Groups in America, Introduction

"I think it's courageous that this fine couple is addressing the Elephant in the Room. It's in the Blood, if you can't see that, then get back to work." - Thomas Friedman

"Just as Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds makes the point that it's okay to be a Nazi if you're a Jew, my new book makes the point that it's okay to be Charles Murray if you're an Asian woman." - Amy Chua

"I think I came off as a compassionate loser in the last book. Now I'm with my baby on the Team. Someone has to step up and tell these other ethnics that they're just no damn good." - Jed Rubenfeld Chua

"Why does every fucking article about these people involve dinner parties?" - Malcolm Gladwell

"I can't believe people think I'm awful, I mean, I'm not awful!" - Amy Chua or Georgina Bloomberg or Queen Rania or fans of Girls or Marie Antoinette, any of them really

"In cultivating the pathological sense of insecurity that is essential to the Tiger Triple Threat, it may be useful to regard oneself or one's People as oppressed by society. However, a delicate balance must be struck. The Tiger's self-serving woundedness must not lead to such a sense of shared humanity as would make oppressing others difficult." - from Chapter 3: Crawling Over the Grasping Masses in the Game of Life

"What about organized crime?!" - outraged Italians, Irish, and Mexicans

"I think what Ms. Chua's book shows is that separate development is a reality." - F. W. de Klerk in a comment later retracted

"Our method was, you know, we looked at our own lives and wondered, Why did it work out so well for us? Are we just lucky? Was it just that our parents did a decent job raising us in the circumstances given to them? No, something more has to be at work. Our lives are so great, we are so great, we refuse to accept that we are anything other than the living embodiment of the historical destiny of our races and that our union is the final form of human achievement." - Amy Chua, on Sieg Heil with April Gaede, WROT public television, Leith, ND

"It's like Black Skin, White Masks for the Elect." - a Financial Times book reviewer huffing freshly printed dollar bills

"Americans may think that it is by hard work and self-denial and a feeling of Destiny, rather than by the material forces of history, that the Chinese People get ahead. They may believe that these Traits are ahistorical cultural values, rather than the psychological expressions of a spectacularly cruel and violent state-organized campaign to ruthlessly exploit the largest labor market that has ever been mobilized. They may think all this, and an American academic with Chinese blood and a Chinese face may profit off fanning the flames of their delusions. And all of them will be dreaming the Chinese Dream." - Xi Jinping

"This Indian tiger lacks the traits necessary for success that we see in African and Mormon tigers." - Amy Chua, her husband nodding in agreement, on the Bengal tiger that has killed 10 people in northern India in the past six weeks

"Dear Time Traveling Overbeck: I am glad to hear that animal metaphors are still used to discuss racial superiority in the 21st Century and that the Greeks still worship Dionysus. Yours sincerely, Nietzche"

"I agree with that drunk doctor, it's all narcissism. I mean, Yale? It's over." - a sauced Lawrence Summers waving in the direction of Tagg Romney at the Harvard Club Sherry Bar

"Why be an academic when you could be the high brow equivalent of morning television? Wait, never mind." - Amy Chua

"Don't think of me as your Leader only, think of me as your Tiger Mom, traumatizing you into better things, or at least a good university." - Bashar al-Assad, Syrian State TV

"You know, I used to want to be an actor, I even went to Julliard. Now I just write mystery novels. I don't always want to be a Triple Package. Sometimes I just want to be Elliot Gould in The Long Goodbye." - Jed 

"Can you believe that I actually made my scholarly reputation on a book that argued that Empire's agenda of spreading free market democracy to every corner of the earth had increased global conflict and instability, and would continue to do so, as, on the one hand, marketization increased inequality and resentment between economically-dominant ethnic/tribal/national minorities and less dominant majorities, and, on the other hand, democratization created the conditions for the politicization of ethnicity and the mobilization of state violence to settle ethnic scores, leading ultimately to the rise of reactionary ethnonationalist populist regimes, widespread ethnic cleansing, genocides, and endless cycles of atrocity and retribution? But no one listened to me, and, having come to accept that the apocalyptic trajectory of history cannot be altered, I have devoted myself to ensuring that my seed will always triumph." - Amy Chua

The secret Fourth Trait... 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Operation Long Jump

"It is common to say of a great man, 'Behind the myth, he was just a man.' That is not true for me. I am not 'just a man.'"
"Haw haw, did you hear that, Winnie? He's insane! Haw haw!"
- Stalin, FDR, and Churchill pounding grog at Yalta

"How crazy is he?"
"Just about crazy enough to out-crazy Hitler, I think. That's the plan anyways."
- FDR confides in Churchill

"I'll tell you one, Joe: I put my hand up Deitrich's skirt!"
"Try genocide."

"Winnie here says he doesn't like you, Joe, but I think you intimidate him! Doesn't he, Winnie? Doesn't he!"
"You will please stop hitting me in the arm, won't you, Franklin?"
"Winnie, why is it I'm always hearing about you're such a wit when you act like a damn ninny? You look like a damn turtle, you know that? He looks like a damn turtle, doesn't he, Joe?!"

"I say, Joe, if you enter the war, we can break the Japs and make real artists out of their movie men!"

"The job of most actresses is to play a man's fantasy of a woman. How do they do it, without throwing themselves off a bridge, I mean?"
- Benito Mussolini

"Well I like it, of course, but I don't think the Army is going to go for it."
- FDR after reviewing Disney's storyboards for the depopulation of Japan

"Gentleman, together we can make silence reign over the earth."
"What did he say?"
"He said we can kill them all, Winnie. Isn't that just marvelous!"

"Why, I believe I'll have the spicy pork!" - FDR is first President to go to a Korean restaurant

"Boys, I don't understand a lick of this economics or policy you're spouting but it sure goes down well with the grog!" - Our Man to the Brain Trust

FDR: "Listen to this one, Joe: Winnie here's a writer!"
CHURCHILL: "Urm, yes, quite so. Was writing a manuscript on the history of English-speaking people, but the war--"
STALIN: "I am also writing such a manuscript."
STALIN: "On the history of the Russian people. A page is written every day, in their blood, on the walls of Stalingrad."
FDR: "Who wants to see my Glenn Miller impression?!"
FDR sticks his arms out and makes airplane noises and rolls his wheelchair into the swimming pool

"Charlie here says he's got an army--an ARMY! Isn't that funny!"
"--an ARMY! Well, I tell you what, Charlie, why don't you take that army of yours and spread the Kraut's Western leg yourself and I can get back to getting handies in East Egg."
- FDR and DeGualle

"No one on that Court ever fucked a thing!" - FDR throwing an ashtray at Pa Watson

"Put some of that hot music on the Victrola and wash your sex."
- a young FDR

"Why do I have to do it, that's what I have Oppie and his harem for! Isn't that right Oppie?"
"This world is a hell, Death is out Mother, we suckle on ash."
"HAW HAW HAW! Did you hear that, Feynman?! Oppie's nuts!"

"I'd tell you not to worry, that I'd take care of it, but I... I don't think that 'worry' is something that would occur to you to do." - FDR walks in on Walt Disney chewing the neck of a dead whore at a party in East Egg

"Jesus, don't shoot him! Use the tranqs! We need him for the war!"
- FDR stops Secret Service agents from shooting a rabid Jimmy Stewart howling at the moon

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A Celebration to Benefit Power

"This video, my god, it's amazing. Clinton is such a fucker. If only he really let loose. If only he were really black!" - Paul Begala, swamp lunch with James Carville

"You're not disappointed in me, you're disappointed in yourselves."
- Barack Obama

"God brought this polar cold on us for abandoning stop-and-frisk."
- Michael Bloomberg 

"You know what it is? Football has no female supplement, whereas hockey, every hockey game everywhere is haunted by the specter of the figure-skating little girls the hockey boys pushed off the ice."
- Tonya Harding, 2013 NHL Winter Classic

"I did this for all of you, I died for your sins." - Alex Rodriguez, unannounced appearance on Olbermann

"Revenge upon oneself is the purest revenge." - Dick Morris eating a heavy meal then immediately jumping into the family pool

"The will to live is a finite resource." - the Commodity Trader's Code

"Yes means no." - Pope Francis' Message to the Female Sex

"Each day is uglier than the last." - Chris Christie's toilet

"God I love it, let the lava hit me!" - Shinzo Abe dies in exploratory Mecha Test Flight

"Stick to hunting Chinese." - Caroline Kennedy addresses Japanese dolphin trappers

"My only fault is that I love the troops too much." - from Robert Gates' memoir, Passion of a Five-Sided Building

"I wanted to change the world but I failed, so now I've decided to change the world by bringing a child into it. Is that narcissism?"
- Georgina Bloomberg

"I only breed with the Elect." - Heiress presumptive Elizabeth turns down cadet Richard Burton's advances in an RAF garage

"Yeah I get around and I make it, fuck you, you are nothing." - Francois Hollande, before taking off on a scooter

"Love is only real to the extent that it is a manifestation of Power." - Anatoly Pakhomov

"Feminism is not okay when it interferes with commerce." - Lena Dunham

"Even men can lean in!" - Sheryl Sandberg

"You don't need civil liberties to fuck." - Generation Y

"Don't be a stranger, make love to me in the washing machine." - Carlos Danger

"Make it for History." - Battleship Clintonkin

"This year there was an unexpected rise in the number of Asians taking selfies. We feel this unforeseen contingency bends the curve towards the total desolation of the National Pool." - Secretary of Education Arne Duncan

"We're losing our edge, we're losing THE TRAITS!" - Michelle Rhee upon reading Amy Chua's Triple Package

"If you can't figure out how to make money off the New Yellow Peril, you don't deserve to go to Stuyvesant!" - Amy Chua

"Good things come to those who take." - Wendi Deng Murdoch

"Really? Haha. Those scared little boys have no fucking idea what's coming." - Tim Cook after a screening of Her 

"You should think of Google as your bro." - Sergey Brin

"I want a moral dictatorship." - David Brooks

"The Duck Dynasty thing is like the soda ban: politics as consumer preference. It's not about what anyone is allowed to do on TV, it's about what people are allowed to consume on TV. People are upset that this particular racial spectacle--and the bigotry which is its secret heart--is no longer for sale. They think they're entitled to buy it. Whether you agree with the Duck Patriarch or not doesn't matter. What matters is, he speaks for your whiteness, or for the whiteness you aspire to. Money is white." - Bobby Jindall
Lovin' in the park
Skeezin' on the beach
Leerin' at the playground
Head full of steam 
- Ronald Reagan and the Mamas and the Papas
"Everything is permissible!" - Tom Hanks shifts from Disney back to Capt. Phillips, live Oscar broadcast

"We're all gonna die some day so might as well chase something!" - Warren Buffett laser hunting on Space Isle of Lesbos, the Outer Rim

"Anti-Cristo..." - Anthony Hopkins awakening on the desert earth

"Disraeli!!!" - Prince Harry destroying tapestries with a rake

"Why that's a weird dance you kids are doing, what's it called?"
"Are you some kind of square? It's the Slow Motion Collapse!"
- Clinton doing an educational rap song with children on Earth Day

"You can't dodge the Bottom." - Philip Seymour Hoffman

"Never worry whether violence undermines your cause, only whether your cause undermines your violence." - Vladimir Putin, Pitchfork review of Pussy Riot's set at the Amnesty International's Bring Human Rights Home Concert

Monday, February 3, 2014

We Watched the Superbowl

"Why'd I have the spinal fusion?" - Peyton

"Man, everyone is letting Peyton down!" - Father Christmas

"The whites fucked with the wrong defense." - William Tecumseh Richard Sherman

"I should just turn this shit off and watch Mitt. This won't tell me What Happened to the White Race." - Charles Murray

"This will hit the Business Class everywhere in the gut. They managed to profit off Sherman as both Sambo Thug and New Gen Hero but they lost the plot on the marketing of the White Man, their key mission. The Congo is yours but that doesn't mean you start smoking meth on the Hindenburg. This whole thing is so typical of the Doomed Wager of Western political rightists."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You're just using a bunch of words!"
"We're selling more pizza than ever, but that makes winning the actual game impossible!"
-  Papa John explains the Great Game to Joe Montana

"We're raising an entire generation that doesn't even know what States Rights really means!" - Haley Barbour in despair, NCAA Division I Girls Volleyball Committee meeting

"Meanwhile things are fine in Greater Israel." - ScarJo Soda Star

"It's like it's fucking prom night and he can't even get his dick up."
"Does he even have one?"
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"... and I can do it all while signifying nothing." - Bruno Mars winning final pitch for Superbowl Halftime Show

"These commercials really show that the Sandusky thing is in the past, pederasty is back in football." - Jimmy Johnson

"Nothing is pure! Nothing can simply be what it is! Everything exists only to be reduplicated for the purpose of making money!" - Laurence Fishburne

"Can love save us, Peyton?"
"Nothing can save us."

"Peyton will always be a Top 7 Rich Guy, but he sucks now, yeah."
"He had it coming either way."
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"Have you ever fucked an osprey?!" - Richard Sherman

"You can saddle a horse but you can't catch a cheetah much less ride one." - Philip Seymour Hoffman

"The Pizza Party is over, Whites get to the salad bar."
"But Peyton..."
"Omaha! Dressing!"
- Down times at St. Jude Children's Hospital

"It's over! You owe me a case of Charles Shaw, bud!" - Bill Clinton to Michael Jordan

Sunday, February 2, 2014


Hear the shout of the football beast...
"Omaha Bravo Avocado 12!!!"

"You're all killing this team! Makin' plays makin' it!"
"Get this man in the Chamber."

"Why, oh why, do I have to be a hideous football genius?! Why can't I be a normal man!"

"All I can see is fires and devils, coach...."
"Alright get him off the field."

"The whites can fly!"

"Everything I love about this game is gone!" - Tom Brady

"Sack lunch! Dim sum! Protect the farmer! Heal the land! Eat his corn, fried and salted
--perhaps baked!"
- Marketing 

"He wears bear socks."
"We all support America here!"

"Coach, you've insulted my honor. Prepare to die."
- Richard Sherman 

"This isn't a fucking game! Sign the guestbook."

"Football will never again be as pure as it was during the First Gulf War." - Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf

"The half time show is inside a cellphone."
"Watch the Super Bowl on your cellphone you desperate fuck!"
-JB and the guys, Half Time Show 

"Tonight we honor Philip Seymour Hoffman." - President Obama, Superbowl Halftime

"Transmissions from above..."

"He's not calling plays, he's speaking in tongues!"

"You can't stop bear socks! Frivolity! Decadence!"

"Peyton Manning isn't human! I gave him my baby to kiss and he threw it into the sun!"

"Football is a pure oligarchy, the only thing at stake in the competition is status and the riches are justly shared among Management." - Owners Meeting