Thursday, September 20, 2012

40 Oscars and a Mule

"Much has been said of the valor of the Southern gentleman, general. But men of flesh are nothing next to an Iron Lady." - Admiral Farragut

"I'm a fucking artist!" - John Wilkes Booth

"Erm... Tit... Big ones..." - Gen. Grant, high on whiskey, explaining the battle plan for Vicksburg

"That glow on the horizon... What the hell is that? Is dawn breaking to the west?! Is this the End Times?!"
"It's the end times, all right. But it's no dawn. It's Sherman."
Paula Deen and Rand Paul abandoning the Biscuit Factory

"One night with that crazy bitch is enough to make any man pine for dick." - Lincoln, Scores, Antietam

"People were just uglier then." - Jackie Earle Haley

"There will be wood!" - Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln as John Kerry

"This will do for Marfan syndrome what War Horse did for war!" - George Lucas

"Lucifer's beard!" - historian Sean Wilentz having a stroke at the premier

"This picture is a product of painstaking historical research. We're going to show you the real Lincoln--his early days as a lawyer, the Douglas debates, the Gettysburg address, the suspension of habeas corpus, Mary Todd's illness, his romantic friendship with Joshua Speed, his bout of small pox, the coke, the duel with Marx, the blood rites, cannibalism--all of it!" - Steven Speilberg

Directed by Luc Besson


Liam Neeson ................................. Abraham Lincoln
Alan Rickman ................................ Andrew Johnson
Bruce Willis ................................. William H. Seward
Sam Rockwell .................................. Jefferson Davis
Kevin Kostner ..................................... Walt Whitman
Laurence Fishburne ........ Frederick Douglass Kenobi
Julia Roberts ............................. the Statue of Liberty
Paul Giamatti ............................................ Karl Marx
Marion Cotillard ....... the ghost of Stonewall Jackson
John Cusack .......................... Harriet Beecher Stowe
Jean Reno ............................................. Maximilian I
Hugh Grant ...................................... Lord Palmerston
Paul Krugman ................................. Ulysses S. Grant
Matthew McConaughey ...................... Robert E. Lee
Bryan Cranston ............. William Tecumseh Sherman
Nicolas Cage ............................... John Wilkes Booth
Meryl Streep ....................................... the Merrimack

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Violence Gone By

"Political violence is like art: you can't please everyone." - bandito Paul Krugman

"It's not opportunity who knocks, but you who's got to knock on opportunity's door, leave a flaming bag of shit on the stoop, and hit him with a black jack while he's trying to put out the fire." - whoever the hell planned the Benghazi attack

"Well, at least some one still believes in nothing." - Jimmy Carter, falling asleep to the nightly news

"We are the mob we are looking for." - Chicago students

"Problems do not have solutions, but consummations." - the Prophet

"I'm not opposed to violence. I'm opposed to poor targets." - Larry Summers, to his belly button

"Do you want to go through your life regretting all the skulls you didn't smash?" - Ray Kelly

"Occupy is so last year." - the Wall Street Journal

"I suppose you could call Occupy a 'fad,' yes, in the sense that the Beanie Babies craze was suppressed by state violence." - Jean Quan on the Today Show

"Among the reasons given by the press on the anniversary of Occupy for the latter's 'failure' are that it was too inclusive, that it wasn't inclusive enough, that it didn't have demands, that its demands were too broad, that it didn't have a message, that it's message was mixed, that it's message was too extreme, that it didn't have leaders, that its leadership was ineffective, that it was just a bunch of feckless middle-class kids upset that their liberal arts degrees were useless, that what began as a protest by respectable middle-class people was hijacked by poor people and freaks and anarchists, that it was not mainstream enough, that it became too popular too fast, and more. The message is: Occupy had only itself to blame, by whatever rationalizations necessary. Conspicuously absent from these discussions have been the simple facts, available to anyone with a memory, that Occupy encampments throughout the country were raided in the middle of the night and forcibly evacuated by militarized police forces; that this wave of evacuations was the result of a coordinated effort by municipal governments around the country, facilitated by federal authorities, to end Occupy once and for all; that activists were subject to beatings, harassment, surveillance, and false arrests, sometimes in their own homes; that journalists who attempted to cover protests were regularly arrested; and that since the end of the encampments, the authorities have done their best to actively suppress any form of vigorous political expression before it even starts. I suppose it's possible that the failure of the press to mention any of these facts might reflect a kind of casual Nietzscheanism on their part--like, whoever allows himself to be whipped, deserves to be whipped. Yet, though I would welcome such a perspective, I doubt it." - Lloyd Blankfein

"My child asked me where Kabul was today. I told her it was in Afghanistan and asked her why she wanted to know. She said that another bus blew up there today. It really seemed to affect her."
"Children have such active imaginations."
"They certainly do. Anyways, she asked me why buses blew up in Kabul, and I told her it was because we had created a power vacuum. A power vacuum?, she said. You mean like the Roomba?"
"Oh, isn't that adorable!"
"I told her a power vacuum is when no one's in charge. We kicked out the government of Afghanistan, but we didn't take the measures necessary to ensure that the new government could really control the whole country. That's a power vacuum. Why did we leave a power vacuum?, she asked. Why, aren't you a Curious Kate!, I said. We left a power vacuum because our liberal principles got in the way of thorough and total conquest. And then--can you believe this?--she asked me why our liberal principles had gotten in the way in Afghanistan but not at home. What do you mean?, I asked. And she told me that liberal principles had not seemed to have gotten in the way of stopping Occupy Wall Street."
"Oh my. What did you do?"
"I told her to go to her room."
- Mike Bloomberg, Christine Quinn

"Once everything seemed possible. Look at me now." - Rick Parry, #S17

Johnny Maggots Endorses If You Can Read This, You're Lying

Get the whole story here.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Occupy Noir

“The idea that this could ever work is just another expression of American exceptionalism.”
“That what could ever work?”
“A non-violent protest movement willed into existence by a fragment of the middle class.”
“Occupy is about more than the middle class.”
“You don’t have to tell me that, but it’s the middle class that dominates it.”
“What would work, in your opinion?”
“Do you really think that?”
He took a drag from his cigarette.
“What about the Weathermen?”
“They didn’t kill people.”
“The Panthers?”
“They only killed each other.”
“The Symbionese Liberation Army.”
“Now, that’s more like it.” A smile crept across his face like a crack in a mirror. He laughed. “No, it’s too late for violence now. Two years ago, maybe. Just imagine if people had started picking off executives in the year of the golden parachutes. That might have been something.”
“It’s against the Geneva Convention, you know.”
“What is?”
“Shooting paratroopers before they land.”
“How romantic.”
An obese man in a Guy Fawkes mask lumbered toward us and held out a supersized McDonalds cup. Combat boots, ankle-length trench coat, and overstuffed back pack. He looked like a trash heap, and smelled like one, too. Around his neck he wore a cardboard sign big enough for a girl to have carried in a march: YES, I AM A MEMBER OF ANONYMOUS, YES, ANONYMOUS IS REAL, AND, YES, I AM TAKING DONATIONS. He didn’t say a word. Just stared at us for a second from somewhere behind the mask, then shuffled off.
“I'll tell you this. When the cops finally decide to bust this place up, if no one dies, all of this will have been for nothing.”
- excerpt from The Devils of Trinity Church by Rep. Peter T. King

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Democracy Now

"Democracy is about holding governments accountable for their citizens." - an embassy rioter

"Democracy is about holding citizens accountable for their governments." - a terrorist 

"Look, it's not a state-sponsored film, and, even if it were, the United States is not a democracy, so attacking an embassy because some American citizens made an offensive movie just doesn't add up. And yet if America were a democracy and if it were a state-sponsored film, the results would be the same. So, no, I'm not concerned." - J. Christopher Stevens
"I remember when wogs were grateful." - John Bolton

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Up For Grabs

"One day you will all be Mormons." - Mitt Romney at the Western Wall

"If the Arabs don't tear this country apart, by God we will." - Israeli settlers

"I have always loved history--I was kind of a history geek in college. One day, Israel will be regarded as a historical curiosity like the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem in the 12th Century. Boy, I wish I could be there to see that." - Peter Beinart

"Wahhhh! I'm tired!!!" - Norman Finkelstein

"You see, it's like Solomon and the baby, only they went for it." - Thomas Friedman explaining the Hamas/Fatah split to schoolchildren in Jordan

"It isn't harder to make friends than to make enemies, the outcome is just less certain." - Benjamin Netanyahu

"Don't think the Kurds are the only people I'll crush for purposes of nationalist distraction." - Recep Erdoğan to Bashar al-Assad

"You wanna get loose? I'll fucking show you loose!" - Mohammed Morsi addressing the Arab League

"There's no such thing as a civil war free from foreign intervention. Where do you think they get the guns?" - Vladimir Putin

"I feel like all the conflicts would end and the peace process would go forward if they all were wearing tuxedos." - Barbara Bush

"Secretary Clinton says that once a people wants to be free, nothing can stop them. How I wish that were true! But my experience tells me otherwise." - Hu Jintao discussing Syria with Putin in the blood sauna

"We prefer to think of it as the Middle West." - Yang Jiechi

"If these guys are 'activists' then I'm a Nobel Laureate." - Anders Breivik on the Senkaku Islands Crisis

"We're going to fuck all over these islands!" - Shintaro Ishihara, Sino-Japanese Vacation Home Wars
Neither sound nor sight
Such a sacred atmosphere
In the no-fly zone

- Gen. Stanley DarkChrystal, Western Chinese Robot Autonomous Region
"I'm so fucking hungry! I've been unemployed for three fucking years! Thank God we don't have nuclear weapons!" - the Dream Iranian

"Am I an Iranian filmmaker or am I simply a filmmaker from Iran? Am I more at home in Tehran or Paris--and what, compared to the countryside where so many of my films are set, is the difference between the two? Was Certified Copy a total piece of shit or a charming piece of shit? I hardly know myself these days. It's been a long career, and a lot of my friends are in jail. If I want to be not just the finest filmmaker of Iran, but of France and Japan also, I could probably do that. But if I just want to make something on par with a good issue of The New Yorker, well, I think I've earned that right." - Abbas Kiarostami

"Zero Dark Thirty? No, thanks. Saw that one already." - Roger Ebert

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Democratic Fucking Convention

"No, I won't go to the Convention. It looks like one of those fuck and grope clubs." - Jimmy Carter

"Yeah, we all love money, baby!" - Sen. Chuck Schumer in the Sen. George McGovern Breakdance Room

"Three months of populism!" - Michelle Obama

"Fuck! This convention isn't about democracy!" - a college Democrat

"Of course I'm disappointed with Obama's performance, who isn't? But what else could he have accomplished with such Republican obstructionism? The fact is, Obama is still cleaning up George W. Bush's messes, and he needs more time to put America back on track." - Guantanamo Bay prisoner Shaker Aamer

"Elizabeth Warren will never speak with the voice of America because the voice of America is male." - the ghost of Joe Kennedy

"You think I could be President?"
"Fuck no."
- Chelsea Clinton and Jill Biden

"Hey, guys, I've got a quote for you, '"Put all the men in camps!" - Sandra Fluke.' What do you think?" - Prince Khalid bin Talal bin Abdul Aziz al Saud

"They're outside the house!" - Dinesh D'Souza fleeing with his collection of commemorative House of Windsor spoons

"Youth, diversity, enthusiasm, whatever, our convention had thirteen screens that would project the speaker's thoughts and desires." - Reince Preibus

"More ice."
"Karl, you have plenty of--"
"I said more fucking ice!... But, Jesus Christ, Clinton is tearing it up though..."
- Karl Marx with a pounding headache

"Show Clinton, show a veteran, some minorities, that hot mom... no, too long!" - NBC producer

"Because Christopher Hitchens is dead, I feel obligated to point out that Bill Clinton is probably a rapist." - Martin Amis

"And we all wanna fuck Michelle!" - New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Say No to Everything

"Life is a bunch of bullshit." - Roger Ailes

"In less than twenty-four hours I have to go back to hell... but as long as I stay awake, I am free... The only thing worth doing is nothing... Bodies are cages that trap matter and turn it into life... The matter that I am is trapped by my body... trapped in my body as life... but it wants to be free... to go back to being just matter... I once knew this young feller who got a cold and didn't do nothing about it... Within a few days he developed pneumonia... lungs filled up with fluid... and he was dead... Just like that... Reassuring, ain't it?" - George W. Bush contemplating the end of the weekend

"Life is not worthy of me." - Tony Scott

"You don't have to experience every way of life, live in every country, speak every language to understand the principle of the infinite mutability and diversity of human existence. And the moment you understand this principle is the moment that life no longer has any value." - Herodotus

"I'll be dead one day, sure. 'In the long run we're all dead.' That doesn't comfort me. What comforts me is that one day we'll be extinct." - Hunter S. Thompson

"Inexistence is bliss." - Phil Hartman

Toward Exctinction

"Today the novel exists only to bear witness to its own obsolescence."
- Jonathan Franzen

"Today cinema exists only to bear witness to its own obsolescence."
- Jean-Luc Godard

"Today elections exist only to bear witness to their own obsolescence."
- David Koch

"Today Ohio exists only to bear witness to its own obsolescence."
- Xi Jinping

"Today America exists only to bear witness to its own obsolescence."
- Clint Eastwood

"Today the West exists only to bear witness to its own obsolescence."
- Dinesh D'Souza

"Today man exists only to bear witness to his own obsolescence."
- Cyber Deity Barack Obama Rex, Emperor of Capital

Monday, September 3, 2012

Last Call at Playboy Mansion

Last Call at Playboy Mansion: The Kelsey Grammer Story
Directed by Brian De Palma

2013. The forces of reaction thought they had won.
They thought wrong.

In the hour of their triumph, a scheme was set in motion, a scheme hatched by a cabal of the world's most powerful and evil women to seize control of the nation just as the full power of the free market was unleashed.

In a world gone mad, only one man stands between the forces of matriarchy and the last free men.


Fred Thompson  as  Kelsey Grammer
Famke Janssen .............. Sarah Palin
Katherine Heigl ............. Ann Coulter
Winona Ryder ........... Courtney Love
James Franco ........... Kiera Knightley
Kiera Knightley ....... Anne Hathaway
Sean Penn ................. Barack Obama
Naomi Watts ............ Michele Obama
Julia Roberts ................ Julia Roberts
Paz de la Huerta ....... Maureen Dowd
Jackie Earle Haley ............ Todd Akin 
Isabelle Huppert ........... Nancy Pelosi
Angela Merkel ........... Hillary Clinton
Margaret Thatcher ........ Meryl Streep
Glenn Close ............ Callista Gingrich
Amy Poehler ................ Ann Romney 
Daniel Day-Lewis .............. Ayn Rand

It Could All Vanish in an Instant

"If only life went down as smooth as hemlock." - Lebron James for Dr. Pepper

"I'm mad as hell and I'm probably going to keep on taking it." -Barack Obama

"Life is a meritocracy of strength with regular interruptions for Russian roulette." -  Lloyd Blankfein

"I'm going to eat and drink coffee and just hate everything." - Balzac

"I sleep but do not rest. I weep but do not grieve. I wash but am not clean." - Larry Summers

"...ontological poison, ontological acid, ontological cancer..." - from Chris Christie's food journal

"Living well is an intensification of life arising from a contempt for life." - Tony Scott

"The biggest losers are those who care only about winning." - Lance Armstrong

"Humiliation is the motor of hierarchy." - Jeffrey Johnson

"Loneliness is the fabric of the universe."
"No, death is."
- George W. Bush and Erik Prince, night fishing

"Sometimes when I'm shelving books in the library I hear a scream, but no one reacts." - Jorge Luis Borges, Collège de Genève

"One does admire their willingness to die." - Bashard al-Assad

"One lifetime is more than enough." - David Attenborough

"Don't ever let them tell you it was worth it. It was never worth it." - Neil Armstrong

"Why can't I just smash every damn thing?" - Glenn Ford to an autographed picture of himself

"Don't you see, you can't let life win! You've got to beat it at its own game!" - R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company