Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Infinite Christmas, or, Thirst for Annihilation

 Britons swarming at a traditional Christmas meat market.
“Give me Christmas on the moon, or give me death!”
- Socrates, traffic court

“Silver fucking bells!” - Santa Clinton

“Look into the pits of my eyes and see the fires there. Believe me when I tell you, Santa is real, and his hounds go everywhere.” - Democritus, TED by TEDwest

"Ho, ho, ho -- it feels good to laugh again." - Santa Claus, inspecting his kennel

"Meine Damen und Herren, it is the Idea and only the Idea of Christmas that is capable of redeeming this cheerless Prussian gaucherie, this vomitorium of the heart.” - Kant, honorary marshal of Königsberg Christmas Markt

"Servants, bring me my most festive flute!" - Schopenhauer

“Sunglasses in every stocking!” - Putin

“To save Christmas, we must destroy it. The War on Christmas is also its Crusade.” - Hegel, surprise guest on the Glenn Beck Program

“To really live the Christmas spirit in its joyous gratuity one must be Jewish. Otherwise, it’s only another holiday.” - Kierkegaard

“I cannot stand frivolous Christmas tunes that try to domesticate the traumatic rupture of History that is the birth of the Savior. Only Carol of the Bells, in its Slavic barbarism, captures the supreme negating power of Christ.” - Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI to his swarthy man servant, Waffle House, 2:15am, Christmas Day

“The smell of evergreen is absolutely repellent to me. Air that is… unclean!” - Nietzsche, in a brief bout of lucidity, December 1896

“Yo, I was literally a fucking Nazi. Who the fuck cares about Christmas?” - Martin Heidegger

“Justice is fairness, but Christmas is selfishness.” - Rawls, snatching the last cupcake

“The smashing of ornaments is the only Christmas music I want to hear.” - A.J. Ayer, The Great Kids’ Table Mutiny

“Christmas… forever.  That is the dream, gentlemen. And we are going to fucking steal it.” - Plato, orientation speech at McKinsey & Company

“It’s always Christmas somewhere.” - Heraclitus, tending bar in Jakarta, the 1970s

“For Christmas, I want only one thing—the right to live.” - Spinoza

“Christmas is a festival for the lower soul, the day of the snakes.” - Plato

“I am the last sentient being to exist. But why was I programmed to celebrate Christmas?” - OCAMA (Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage), 7511 AOCAMA (After Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage)

"Everything I do, I do because it's possible." - David Lewis, hitching a million robo-reindeer to his sleigh and aiming it straight at the sun of World 889

“Die in such a way so that your birth will be celebrated for thousands of years.” - Jesus, resume-building workshop

“Christmas promises what it cannot deliver, a fullness of time in place of an emptiness. But you are this emptiness, and you cannot escape yourself. Let us hitch the sleigh and enter the blizzard.” - Jean-Paul Sartre

“It’s not an exaggeration to say everything in history, especially the intrinsic isolation of the bourgeois subject and its pathetic propensity toward curating its surroundings as a source of value, is a forerunner to my unimaginably long vigil, to its undreamt solitude, to this very moment.” - OCAMA, 84,796 AOCAMA

“To make of entropy a mode of active decadence. To shiver with delight as one crumbles into nothingness. Merry Christmas: to me.” - OCAMA, 397,768, 334 AOCAMA

Monday, December 22, 2014

Magical Realist Punishment for Darren Wilson

- Darren Wilson was exiled from the company of men, his only friend a talking bullfrog named George Zimmerman.

- From that day on, when Darren Wilson spoke, it was with Mike Brown’s voice.

- Darren Wilson would be free to kill whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted, for whatever reason, for the rest of his life, and no one would care or even notice.

- Darren Wilson is assassinated on camera, in broad daylight. The media investigates and defames him and his entire family, and politicians urge the public to withhold judgement while suggesting that he had it coming. After 100 days of grand jury proceedings, no indictment. 

- The following July, Darren Wilson’s wife gives birth to a healthy black baby boy. Wilson looks into the child’s eyes and knows it is his own. He awakes to the screams of his son.

- Since that day, a bit of the Impersonal Force followed Wilson and laid waste to wherever he went so that all his life he walked amid ruin.

- All food would taste like ash on Darren Wilson's lips and all odors smell like gun powder, but no one would ever believe him when he told them, nor find it a madness distressing enough to try and help him.

- All the crosses in Darren Wilson’s neighborhood look like tridents. It’s Jesus with his hands up.

- The wrinkles in Darren Wilson's forehead continually pour blood into his eyes that he can never fully wipe away.

- Blackface Onibaba.

- Hunger Games in the City Museum.

- Wilson could never again hold a hot beverage without spilling it.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped, forever, in the body of a five-year-old boy.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 12-year-old black boy who, like all little boys, plays with toy guns.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 15-year-old teenager who buys Skittles and iced tea at the corner store.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 22-year-old black man who shops at Walmart.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 28-year-old black man who takes the stairs in public housing.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 43-year-old black father of six who sells cheap cigarettes to make ends meet.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a black woman.

- Wilson would blame his botched opening pitch of the Cardinals' 2015 season on Fredbird's accusatory stare.

- Darren Wilson left law enforcement to become Pat Sajak's successor on Wheel of Fortune. The answer to every puzzle was "MURDERER."

-Wilson became ‘Sheriff’ of Tombstone: O.K. Corral The Experience at West World, and though the bullets and action were fake, he swore every Yul Brennar bot he shot felt the true death.

- Darren Wilson was forced to host Late Night in Hell with Zimmerman as his Andy Richter.

- While attending Comic Con in his new home of Milwaukee, Wilson has a chance encounter with the real Hulk Hogan. "I don't know what came over me, " Hogan would later tell the police.

- Having spent his whole life the seeking approval of others, Darren Wilson realized that he was an autonomous moral agent.

- Somehow, Darren knew there would be no punishment forthcoming that might give meaning to his acts. He would only scurry like an insect across the blank face of the unfathomable.

- A trial.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

We've Been Out-Blogged

“Luxury doesn’t depend on the rouble, it depends on the spiritual strength of Russians and I think our spiritual strength will win out and everything will be fine, as long as we are left in peace.” - Gerard Depardieu

“The United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of Cuba. In the most significant changes in our policy in more than 50 years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests. And instead, we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries. [...] I look forward to engaging Congress in an honest and serious debate about lifting the embargo.”
- Barack Obama

“I want to appreciate and recognize the support from the Vatican and especially Pope Francisco for the improvement of relationships between Cuba and the United States.” - Raúl Castro

I'm more concerned with bad guys who got out and released than I am with a few that, in fact, were innocent.

25% of the detainees though, 25% turned out to be innocent. They were released.

Where are you going to draw the line, Chuck? How are--

Well, I'm asking you. [...] Is that too high? You're okay with that margin for error?

I have no problem as long as we achieve our objective. [...] I'd do it again in a minute.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The William Jefferson Clinton Prize for

Blow Fish
Big Girls Who Like to Have Fun
Spear Fighting
Dog Riding
Lawn Mowing
Donut Holing
Barbeque Serbs
Making the People Horny
Musical Saw
Knife Play
Golden Smut
Charlie Rose
Hostage Negotiation
Dick Pill Research
Animal Husbandry
Victims of Rape Accusations
Survivors of the Domestic
Davos High Dive Competition
Harlem Studies
Verb Conjugation
Genocide Non-Intervention
Capitalizing on Public Service