Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Feel As Bad As I Look

"I understand that you are also into pros." - Sean Bean

"Being beautiful is a curse because if you're a woman then it turns you into an object and if you're a man then you'll probably turn into an asshole." - Roger Ebert

"I work hard for this body!" - Donald Trump on his wife

"I used to do a lot of books about older men finding redemption in young, climaxing vaginas but then I realized that that was essentially a form of slavery." - Philip Roth

"If you don't touch me then somebody you love will." - Jeff Immelt

"I hear you have to do it with two of them, that's why it usually doesn't work" - Julian Assange on whether having sex with a virgin cures AIDS

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Don't Know Where This Is Going!

"There are no foreign special forces in Libya! (Aside) Christ, this pizza is rancid!" - Saif al-Islam Gaddafi

"When I came to this land it was for victory and blood alone." - Sheik Sky Briggs

"Look, this whole Libya thing was orchestrated by BHL anyway." - Pres. Barack Obama

"Oh yeah, man, I get it. You're like, at a skeptical distance. 'That honey might be imperial vampire blood.' Yeah." - Gen. David Petraeus to the Editors

"I was against this Libya shit from the beginning!" - the Editors, 2014

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pope Quotes

Pope Rex Tremendae Majestatis
Pope Chancre Apollo
Pope Complex Gingivitis
Pope Tube VIII
Pope £uciu$
Pope Œconomicus
Pope Gibson Fornicitus
Pope Virilus Gylenhaal
Pope Cox Humanus
Pope Darth Vader
Pope Milhous Nixon
Pope Barack Obama II

"When the See came to me in my dreams it was lying swimming through a pool of dry tongues." - Oscar Wilde on Pope Nex Arachnae

"My god, Lucius, that zeppelin is on fire and it's approaching the city!"
"That's no zeppelin, my love, that's Pope Bonificius Hydrolysis II!"

"I know you from my dreams, oh great Spider Tyrant!" - Stevie Wonder, Talking Book of Flesh

"I am pope of my own church, cur!!!" - Pope Kate Middleton

"Would I spit on the pope? I'd spit on his fucking tits." - Chester Briggs at the CT YMCA Model UN in a speech by his father, Sky Briggs.

Pop Quotes

"Isn't my beard some bluespower?"
"Fuck no."
-Eric Clapton and Pete Townshend

"Go sit on the radiator." - Sean Penn to Jude Law

"What really insults me about this film is that it portrays success as stemming from talent instead of marketing." - Jonathan Safran Foer

"I am Thom Yorke!" - Tilda Swinton

"Yeah, I used to be a rock promoter!" - Tony Blair, asked what he thinks of Radiohead

"If you can write a genuinely original and creepy short story you are a goddam writer." - Saul Bellow at Studio 54

"Diary of a Country Priest makes The Seventh Seal look like a fucking puppet show." – Kanye West

Monday, March 28, 2011

Death And Sex Are The Same

"Surely, I will be beautiful forever." - Elizabeth Taylor

"Would you give your life to bring back Tony Judt?"
"Ha, no. His death was some of his finest work."
- Alexander Cockburn and Christopher Hitchens

"My life would be complete if I had Huntington's Disease." - Sarah Palin

"I stared at my reflection in the subway car and my face turned to all sorts of wood." - The Editors

All Politics Is Local, But Hate Is Universal

"Where is the man who will kill me?! The sacred hands that will make of my death a sacrifice?!" - Gov. Mitch Daniels (R-IN)

"Man at the Crossroads! I choose Murder!" - Gov. Paul LePage (R-ME)

"Apparently mixed race couples are growing down South, this is why I moved West! The blood! Purity! The flag! My pet bird!" - George Allen (R-VA)

"Strike at my body with your sausage-fingered hands! Rend my flesh with your filed teeth! Clip my hair with your razored cock!" - Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) at CPAC

"Obviously I'm always willing to embrace bald men of all stripes, but that guy just looks like a rapist." - Jason Alexander on Gov. Rick Scott (R-FL)

Slammin' Tits and Screamin' Fits

"Stop looking at my boots, you fucking slug." - Elizabeth Taylor

"We did?" - Sen. John Warner (R-VA), on his marriage to the Goddess

"National Velvet was a fucking horse, right?" - Warren Beatty

"One touch from that woman's hand would turn your dick to vapor." - Richard Burton

"You like my blog, do ya, big boy?" - Liz Taylor to the Editors in a recurring dream

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Air War In Darkest Africa, and Other Colonial Adventures

"On my way to Italy, dear reader, Fate landed me in the back of a roofless truck behind the trigger of an anti-aircraft gun." - Sky Briggs

"Elizabeth Taylor is dead. We have 72 hours to formulate a response." - NATO

"Libya is the melting pot." - Muammar el-Qaddafi

"Why, If I won the election, I'd put that country on a war footing and consolidate my power." - Arab League Secretary-General Amr Moussa

"Let them hang from the Space Needle." - Chief Justice John Roberts on the Afghanistan 'Kill Team'

"Jesus, how do the Israeli air strikes always hit children?"
"I suppose the separately-but-equally racist response would be 'Lack of birth control.'"
- Edward Said and Pith-helmet Hitchens

"What's Palestine?" - Sarah Palin

Fan Letters of Last Resort

"Yes, I also read The New York Times." - a weary Roger Cohen, asked whether he likes the blog

"I know this is difficult for you. You're goddam red button pushing Americans." - Robert Gates to the Editors

"Maybe what this country needs is a good outbreak of a real epidemic that will miraculously spare me and everyone I care about." - an Editor blind on absinthe

"I'm free! Free as the colonel!" - an Editor, bayoneted from behind

"Your willful acts are impotent but not meaningless, and your lives just more evidence against this decadent society." - Jimmy Carter

"I don't care if we never monetize this blog through Facebook or pornography! Sky Briggs is real to me! I believe!!!" - The Editors

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Thunder the Drums and Light the Torch! Thunderstruck!

"That's what I told him at the reception. We laughed the sweet laugh of battle."
- Hillary Clinton to Joe Biden on the Sarkozy Reception

"Man this new Strokes album is pretty fun."
"Ugh really? Get over your pathetic youth."
"Get the hell out of my house! I can't breathe here!"
- Your Friends

"I want to surf onto the shores of Tripoli, naked but for the ammunition." - Hadassah Lieberman

"What if someone says Nashville is the capital of France. You wouldn't say, "Well, WE think that's wrong, but who's to say it's wrong for this guy?"
"An objective morality is the mad dream of solipsism."
- The Vapor and The Steam

"If you buy it you will come." - APPLE

The Child Is Right

Air Strike #2

The blog is back, betch. After a less than 24-hour hiatus, the hate continues. Stay tuned for more murder.

Sour Grapes Are Still Nutritious

"Love the new banner, guys, I was just wondering what is your home address?  Ok thanks!" - Eric Holder to the Editors

"Why are you hiding our basketball shoes? We want to kill that fucker." - Europe to the US

"War in Libya? I dunno, uh, what do the Car Talk guys think about it?" - Frank Rich

"I'm joining the Lincoln Brigade being founded by our finest minds to join the fight against Qadaffi's insane petro violence, oh wait they're all at the fucking Aspen Institute, or, not there because Qaddafi never came through with the reservation." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"A huge antiquated Evil is being replaced by a more modern and complex Evil! Hail the Arab Spring!" - Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa

"This is fucked. I'm hanging up my sock puppet." - Slavoj Zizek a.k.a. Peter Beinart

"Death is the only consistent position." - Noam Chomsky

Monday, March 21, 2011

Ishtar In Jerusalem

"Paul Newman was a hell of a Jew." - Todd Palin

"Schedule a meeting with her immediately!" - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on hearing

"Are those fireworks? How nice!" - Sarah Palin

"You are everything that I dream of combined with hummus from Tel Aviv." - Avigdor Lieberman

"You're socialists?!" - Sarah Palin

"Call Mr. Abbas immediately, we are without hope." - Benjamin Netanyahu

"But for all this shit that visit would have been mine!" - Col. Q.

It's Time for a Heart to Heart

"Why don't you write me those mean letters anymore?"
"Because I'm a cartoon."
- Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas

"I've figured it all out: it's the Jews!"
"Listen you need to take some time off."
- Dean of the Blog to VP for Development

"Does this mean I could lose the penthouse?"
"Yes, all is lost! We will be reduced to timeshare."
- Saif and Jack Lemmon Qaddafi

"I'm converting to Catholocism and joining Tony Blair at Macao, this time I fucking mean it." - Ali Abdullah Saleh to the National Security Council

"If your seed ever touches the ground, England will fall." - HM QEII to Prince William on his wedding day

"Is it the sores again?"
"No this is something different, something I can't buy away..."
- Hu Jintao and Rupert Murdoch

Air Strike

Hate Mail

"Oh, now you regret it. Too late." – Norman Mailer in Hell

“Look, take your petty provocations and jerk off in a paper cup.”
– Edward Said on the blog

“I'll support you but you have to wire me $300.” – Christopher Hitchens on the blog

“We are the intervention we are looking for.” – The Editors

Le sacre du printemps

"It's not Orientalism if it begins with spite." - Rimbaud

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Meanwhile in America

"'Apartment hunting.' Is that a Jewish thing?" - Sarah Palin in East Jerusalem

"We don't lack for the accouterments of power. We just lack for power." - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) sitting in her 'spacious' office

"The only thing that I truly regret is not taking more baths." - Donald Rumsfeld, Known and Unknown

"They really look like they're in love." - Gov. Scott Walker on 'amateur' pornography

Saturday, March 19, 2011

In Which Even the Devil Can Do Some Good

"Fly into that country and destroy anything that shoots at you!"
"For the grandeur of France!!!"
"...the French are sending the Charles de Gaulle, and Denmark their giant nuclear-powered muppet aircraft carrier..." - Robert Frost

"Bring me my sword and loincloth!" - Nicolas Sarkozy

"Destroy every depot of grapefruit in the country."
- Admiral Mike Mullen

"Release the Phalanx of Orphans!" - Muammar el-Qaddafi

"We are audience to the awesome spectacle of imperial power exerting it's will." - Barack Obama

"Assume the worst while knowing that the potential for the best is always present--and understanding that even when the best does come to pass, it often does so in the worst possible way."
- George W. Bush

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Arizona Sweat Lodge Resembled 'Battleground'

"Hey, steam me up some meat there would ya, Pedro?"
- Bruce Springsteen to his wife

"Natalie Portman is Babylon unleashed upon the Earth."
- Mike Huckabee

"I think we have to ask ourselves: have Italians really made this a better country?" - Richard Nixon, Quaker Day

"Well done, this is the kind of dirty and fast entry that brings to mind reckless intervention or wave riding after comet strike."
- Bono on the blog

"Say there, boys, put another wood on that log and let's steam out this campsite." - Ronald Reagan to his sons Michael and Ron, The Ranch

Doom Popes, Emersonian Hate, Women with Grapes, Razor Ball!

"Women are not more stupid than men, it's just that many men believe this because they will spend more time talking to a stupid woman than to a stupid man. Why? Because such men are the lowest rung of insectoid being." - Orson Welles to a steak

"Duck walkin', wind millin', power chordin', xylophone burnin' Sky Briggs!!!!!" - US Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice

"To me it is hatred only in the Emersonian sense,
The hatred that causes a man to flee his stifling country and build a cabin in the New World,
The hatred of the dirt earth that leads to zeppelin,
The hatred of polka that leads to salsa,
The hatred of the dog that leads to embrace of the dog."
- Giuseppe Garibaldi on the blog

"Man, my balding is slow-motion, like the unification of Italy."
- the Editors

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Forty-Eight Hours

"Is it really that tough to bomb a tank column driving toward Benghazi in the middle of the desert?" - Rush Limbaugh

"Talk to them with the voice of a pretty sphinx." - Anwar Sadat, Autumn of Postcoloniality, Sire Records 1977

"The harmony of jetfuel, the euphonious gnashing of teeth. Fuck it. Arm the insurgents." - Charlie Wilson, 1979, to William M. Daley, 2011

"My dick feels like a Turkish bath!!!" - Saif al-Islam Muammar al-Gaddafi

"What the fuck do I need a calculator for? We are fighting a goddam revolution: I always round up." - a gas station attendant in Benghazi

"I am the no-fly zone." - Batman

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Problogomena to Any Future Metaphysics

I am the Jupiter of the Mind
I am cellulite on the face of the sun
I am the cosmic actuary, a functionary,
a man of no accunt.

How many times have I sat at a cafe,
secretly eyeing a pretty girl, only
to experience disappointment.
Did you see that glimmer in her eye
when her man finally arrived?
That was a little death.

That lack, that wound,
and the freedom that lies within:
the artist's decathalon,
the tyrant's delight.

Worship at my temple and feed
forever on my magnanimity
I have spared you all.

- from the diary of Baron Karl Theodor Maria Nikolaus Johann Jacob Philipp Franz Joseph Sylvester Freiherr von und zu Guttenberg, 10 March 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011


"But there's nothing new about a government killing it's own people." - Vladimir Putin

"The lesson of Iraq and Afghanistan is that you don't go starting Iraqs and Afghanistans otherwise you'll never be able to help Libyas." - Gen. David Petraeus

"You can leave Cuba forever but you must bring me Qadaffi's head!" - Robert Gates to the Death Brigade

"I just always need to be the smartest guy in the most expensive hotel suite." - the Anti-No-Fly Zone Left

"We've got fighter jets."
"Get that fucking gravy off my fries."
- Canada, The Editors

Dagger of the Mind

Day seven without a cigarette. The image of a white paper tube stuffed with North Carolina tobacco glazed in non-flammable glue stabs at the mind's eye. I feel like I have lost something deeply personal. Jouisssance that I will never regain. I will truly have quit smoking when I realize that even if I started smoking again, I could never regain it.

- from the diary of 44th President of the United States of American Barack Hussein Obama II, 14 March 2010

Hate Catechism

The eight-legged Pope Araneus Horribilis divided the Church with his Doctrine of the Flesh. During the ensuing schism, his papacy resided at Notre Dame, which he covered in a sticky, silver film ejected from his mouth-anus. The exterior we know today is but the calcified remains of his ejaculate.
"In the absence of God, only shame can maintain a simulacrum of morality. That is why Catholicism is the most avant-garde faith." - Pope Araneus Horribilis, Gospel of Flesh

"I am the prophet. I speak with the voice of ten thousand angels. Yamoussoukro, Marseilles, Rabat, Dakar, Port-au-Prince, Bamako, Paris, Hanoi, I am your Joan of Arc, your unspoiled lamb." - Serge Gainsbourg

"I am the French Church." - Charles de Gaulle

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Wakefulness Is Hatefulness, pt. 2

11:15 PM

Pat: this fucking day light savings time has totally wrecked me
i got 3 hours of sleep maximum then had to fly across the damn country and the airline randomly stops in LA
i didn't agree to that when i paid!

11:16 PM

me: what the fuck

Pat: the flight from LA to San Jose is literally just throwing a plane though the air for 25 minutes till it lands in the north

11:17 PM

me: you should get a partial refund from the air carrier

Pat: there's probably a contractual clause about this that says "fuck you, free bag check shut up!"
goddamn it i have do an interview w/ an interpreter tomorrow
God mocks me again for not learning Spanish

11:18 PM

Pat: nothing makes sense, death flees men and dogs take their place with the women

Wakefulness Is Hatefulness

3:11 AM

me: oh fuck
day light savings
i just had an hour of my fucking life robbed from me

William: you'll get it back
not that one, but another will replace it

3:12 AM

me: that's useless!
these are hours not women!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

All Because Of A Woman

"Kissing is for fathers and daughters." - Eric Clapton

"Dogs are fleeing the earth! Take me with you! Hump my leg!" - Newt Gingrich

"I am the world's meanest homosexual!" - Ian McShane

"We are the women we're waiting for." - Paul Verlaine

"I saw your sex." - Gov. Scott Walker

"You see, you're the same as me... you're on that dust... that steam... God... is it wet in here?..." - Antonin Scalia in Hell

Friday, March 11, 2011

White Jazz

"OOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" - John Coltrane attacking Newport by air

"Let's all meet in Kansas City, or, as the Count called it, the Narrows of Debasement." - Lester 'Prez' Young in Valhalla
"Basie, what the fuck was that?"
"It's my new
Movement of the Dead Children."
"Do you consider me a jazz samba singer?"
"Please don't kill my wife!!!!"
- Frank Sinatra, Antonio Carlos Jobim

"This party is off the chain! I am a Jazz Sage!" - President Nixon welcoming Duke Ellington to the White House
"Pay me what you owe me damn it! You're my hero and I want your money to validate it. Don't shirk an artist."

"I will pay you the money I owe, but tomorrow. Let me tell you this if: you interrupt my evening, bar my entrance to this club, or otherwise obstruct my lifestyle I will beat you without mercy."

- Charles Mingus to Duke Ellington at Blue Note
"My sound will only be truly smooth when I can devise a saxophone made entirely of lady hair." - Sam Getz

"Am I overrated?" - Chet Baker to his Pharmacist


What A Tragedy

Thursday, March 10, 2011

TWO AND A HALF REPTILE SWINE (coming this fall to CBS!)

This Fall They Want Love on Their Own Terms!

From Chuck Lorre creator of TV's Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men: can two sociopath brothers raise a dictator's son on a middle-class income and still find happiness? Find out this September.

- With Help From Guest Contributor AAG

Monday, March 7, 2011

Hard Cider

"I'm on that dust getting totally steamed." - Angela Merkel

"Listen, I'll make it easy: all eight seasons of Full House on DVD, the Russian women's judo team at my villa in San Juan del Sur, and a getaway plane full of scones." - Muammar el-Qaddaffi

"When the revolution comes, I'll turn his vicious mansion into the Institute of Brass." - Anderson Cooper on Thomas Friedman

"Panic is the only justifiable emotion." - Natalie Portman

"I sleep but it brings no rest!
"Why sleep when it is better to ride jet skis?"
- Charlie Rose, Vladimir Putin

"Fortitude?  Strength? What would you know of staring into that empty bowl, holding your empty gut, wishing with everything you had that once, just once, you could shit when you wanted to and not have to crap your pants?"  - Newt Gingrich, officially announcing his candidacy to his parlour maid

Sunday, March 6, 2011

An Occurrence In Our Own Times Which Proves This Moral Tendency of the Human Race

In human affairs, there must be some experience or other which, as an event which has actually occurred, might suggest that man has the quality or power of being the cause and (since his actions are supposed to be those of a being endowed with freedom) the author of his own improvement. [...] The occurrence in question does not involve any of those momentous deeds or misdeeds of men which make small in their eyes what was formerly great or make great what was formerly small, and which cause ancient and illustrious states to vanish as if by magic, and others to arise in their place as if from the bowels of the earth. No, it has nothing to do with all this. We are here concerned only with the attitude of the onlookers as it reveals itself in public while the drama of great political changes is taking place: for they openly express universal yet disinterested sympathy for one set of protagonists against their adversaries, even at the risk that their partiality could be of great disadvantage to themselves. Their reaction (because of its universality) proves that mankind as a whole shares a certain character in common, and it also proves (because of its disinterestedness) that man has a moral character, or at least the makings of one. And this does not merely allow us to hope for human improvement; it is already a form of improvement in itself, in so far as its influence is, strong enough for the present.

The revolution which we have seen taking place in our own times in a nation of gifted people may succeed, or it may fail. It may be so filled with misery and atrocities that no right-thinking man would ever decide to make the same experiment again at such a price, even if he could hope to carry it out successfully at the second attempt. But I maintain that this revolution has aroused in the hearts and desires of all spectators who are not themselves caught up in it a sympathy which borders almost on enthusiasm, although the very utterance of this sympathy was fraught with danger. It cannot therefore have been caused by anything other than a moral disposition within the human race.

The moral cause which is at work here is composed of two elements. Firstly, there is the right of every people to give itself a civil Constitution of the kind that it sees fit, without interference from other powers. And secondly, once it is accepted that the only intrinsically rightful and morally good constitution which a people can have is by its very nature disposed to avoid wars of aggression (i.e., that the only possible constitution is a republican one, at least in its conception), there is the aim, which is also a duty, of submitting to those conditions by which war, the source of all evils and moral corruption, can be prevented. If this aim is recognized, the human race, for all its frailty, has a negative guarantee that it will progressively improve or at least that it will not be disturbed in its progress.

All this, along with the passion or enthusiasm with which men embrace the cause of goodness (although the former cannot be entirely applauded, since all passion as such is blameworthy), gives historical support for the following assertion, which is of considerable anthropological significance: true enthusiasm is always directed exclusively towards the ideal, particularly towards that which is purely moral (such as the concept of right), and it cannot be coupled with selfish interests. No pecuniary rewards could inspire the opponents of the revolutionaries with that zeal and greatness of soul which the concept of right could alone produce in them, and even the old military aristocracy's concept of honor (which is analogous to enthusiasm) vanished before the arms of those who had fixed their gaze on the rights of the people to which they belonged, and who regarded themselves as its protectors. And then the external public of onlookers sympathized with their exaltation, without the slightest intention of actively participating in their affairs.

The Coming Insurrection

In the subway, there’s no longer any trace of the screen of embarrassment that normally impedes the gestures of the passengers. Strangers make conversation without making passes. A band of comrades conferring on a street corner. Much larger assemblies on the boulevards, absorbed in discussions. Surprise attacks mounted in city after city, day after day. A new military barracks has been sacked and burned to the ground. The evicted residents of a building have stopped negotiating with the mayor’s office; they settle in. A company manager is inspired to blow away a handful of his colleagues in the middle of a meeting. There’s been a leak of files containing the personal addresses of all the cops, together with those of prison officials, causing an unprecedented wave of sudden re-locations. We carry our surplus goods into the old village bar and grocery store, and take what we lack. Some of us stay long enough to discuss the general situation and figure out the hardware we need for the machine shop. The radio keeps the insurgents informed of the retreat of the government forces. A rocket has just breached a wall of the C___ prison. Impossible to say if it has been months or years since the “events” began. And the prime minister seems very alone in his appeals for calm.

The Guillotine At 11

"Contrary to current popular and media belief, the only reigning world monarch who is a Lizard is the King of Thailand." - Wikileaks, Cable 96-7654

“Stop listening to me! Stop applauding!” - Jay Leno at the million man march, Cairo

"Palestinians need to read more Nietzsche." - Mahmoud Abbas, The Palestine Papers

"Pope Tyrannus would never have forgiven the Jews!" - Bishop Javier Echevarría Rodríguez

"The best way of making a nation content with its constitution is to rule autocratically and at the same time to govern in a republican manner, i.e. to govern in the spirit of republicanism and by analogy with it." - Jon Stewart to Prince Zeid bin Ra'ad al-Hussein

"Just fucking pay the teachers, fund the schools, and economically integrate them." - an exasperated Cathie Black
"Yo, I don't know what kind of trick ass mark tries to expound fighting words without citing the Supreme Court's express command in U.S. v. Stevens. 'Yo, ya wife is fat!!!!'"

"Counsel, what could you possibly cite to support such a proposition?"

"Well, your honor, I have this..."

Pandemonium breaks out in the court room as he unveils the Shroud of Mus'ab ibn 'Umair.

Friday, March 4, 2011


"I hate sex!!!" - The First Arthropod

"All is narcissism and fear." - Roger Ebert

"Any woman who lets a man penetrate her and doesn't make him pay for it is a coward and a traitor." - Alan Greenspan, Utopian

"I bet you sound just like him when he's got his instruments in your mouth." - an American man to a Swedish woman about her Danish dentist

"I speak from experience. Though it may be a fallacy, we like to think that love is unique. Personal. We return to the language of our childhood, when things and emotions are so concrete. Whisper sweet isms into your lover's ears, and you invite all of heavy history into your bed and allow the great generalizations of our time to rape her." - Angela Dorothea Merkel

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Am Thom Yorke At 10,000 Decibels!

"Well, I certainly think I look good naked." - Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI)

“Why do you think I wrote Empire State of Mind? What the emperor gives the emperor can take away.” - Jay-Z, Atlantic Yards, 11 March 2011

"You're just going to evolve until you die, and since you don't know when that's going to be, you might as well act like you've got time." - Muammar el-Qaddafi

"Don't turn your back on him, he's show biz!" - The Editors' struggle session

"Everything tastes like ash!" - Barbara Bush
I am the shape of the ape
I am the harbinger of fear
I am the cowboy of doom
I am the manatee's desire
I am omega,
a specimen of terror and majesty
I am the Chinese Communist Party

- from the diary of Hu Jintao, 12 May 2008
"I am every chestnut tree in Amsterdam." - John Galliano

Love And What It's Made Of

"When people say that a man is 'smart' what they really mean is that he has an ability to be so condescending towards women that they internalize the inferiority he projects on them." - Colin Firth

"The key to giving someone disappointing news is to anticipate their reaction without letting them know that you have anticipated it, so that when you deliver the bad news, your compensatory display of compassion will appear to be the spontaneous and organic extension of the bond you share with them, rather than the result of dry, intellectual calculation." - James Franco

"It's not that I've never had sex, it's just that I've never been able to rationalize it." - The Smartest Man in the World

"Love is important but so are Things." - Woman

"If I a nuclear physicist can beat these machines so can others. Together these men shall breed with our finest woman and humanity will enter its Third Age." - Rep. Rush Holt (D-NJ) beats IBM's "Watson" on Jeopardy

"Bitch, take this t-shirt off me if you want it!!!!" - Newt Gingrich

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Take Me To The Sick Ass

"He said that if I had played Jesus he would've taken me to the sick ass!" - Danny Glover on Mel Gibson

"Fuck yes! I am the damn light!!!" - Michele Bachmann, at the sick ass

"Dear Kids: Sex is anything; don't." - Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Colin Firth is fucking indestructible." - Syphilis

"I am Nicholas Cage!" - Charlie Sheen

"I am Charlie Sheen!" - Muammar el-Qaddafi
Q: Can I take a shit at the sick ass?
A: Once you get to the sick ass, you'll never even have to shit again.