Thursday, January 31, 2013

History Condemns Us

"And it is said that dragons nest in the Executive Branch who obey only the Barack's command and will hunt to the ends of the earth any man that is hateful to Him." - Herodotus

"There is a city of gold!" - Glenn Beck to police negotiators, Midland City, AL

"Madame Secretary, if I were in your position, I would already have martyred myself for Liberty." - Rand 'Cincinnatus' Paul

"Do you ever get excited when, turning to the homepage of the NYTimes, you read the word 'Hagel,' only to realize, moments later, to your extreme disappointment, you've misread?" - Frederick Engels

"Anti-war films are for pussies." - historical filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow

"My strategy on crime is to take all the credit." - Rudy Giuliani, NYC Counter-Terrorism Headquarters, World Trade Center, 2000

"I like it because if you pay the larger price, you can ride the water slide as much as you like." - Francis Fukuyama to no one in particular, Panel on Eternal Night

"Gentleman, I think we can say without doubt that history is a treadmill upon which we all run."
"Sir, I completely disagree. History is a police report after a particularly brutal murder."
"I tell you, you are both wrong! History is a woman."
- Senators Joseph Lieberman, John C. Calhoun, and Ted Kennedy debate Senate Bill 2342, the Ban All Historicity Act, in Hell

"Kill them all." - George Washington on being told poor hicks were revolting over whiskey taxes

"I'm only in it for the ass." - Samuel Adams

"Ethnics! Give me your various moustaches!" - Fiorello LaGuardia

"We can't put the whole police force on horses, that's insane."
"Ah, but what is the beauty of a Man next to that of a fine thoroughbred?"
- Theodore Roosevelt and William L. Strong before making love to a horse together

"Hell yes, I love a man who kills fascists. That's why I like Joe." - FDR

"Hey, oldboy, how about I fuck your sister, that sweet piece of Radcliffe ass. You can take one for the team, can't you?"
"What do you mean, Jack?"
"Shut up, Teddy, just keep rowing. Like I was saying: You can be an ambassador or you can have Mitzi over there suck your cock, either way I'm getting your vote."
- Jack Kennedy secures secret funding for Vietnam

"The absent minded person, by definition, is unaware of his error at the time of its commission. He does not experience it as his own, but instead encounters it, or rather its consequences, later on, as a hostile externality, something out there in the world that happens to befall him. Imagine his horror at discovering that he is the prime mover of his own misfortune!" - Mao on the Great Famine

"The future will be cannibalistic or it will be nothing." - Barbara Bush

"I fear for my country when I remember that God has taste." - Stephen Harper

"Every year that passes adds another tread to the tanks that will soon roll over our cities. And so we wait." - Bibi Netanyahu

"If a man truly hates, he can overcome anything." - Ariel Sharon

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Venus, Cupid, and Mars

"Sex is real, I've seen it!" - Manti Te'o

"My real girlfriend is a hoax." - Lance Armstrong

"Is any woman really there?" - Jerry Sandusky

"Happiness is merely the momentary absence of memory." - the Catfish

"I'm in hate love!" - the Editors

"Adults don't fucking understand. Ms. Halas' tits are literally the only reason I learned a thing about chemistry." - Donny Owens, 8th grader

"Men can never hold back women the way women hold back each other." - Judge Julie Cabos-Owen

"The land belongs to the one who works it." - George Clooney, grabbing your wife's ass

"My dick is like the Concorde." - Richard Branson

"My dick is like a compass, it always points north." - Gazprom Chairman Viktor Zubkov

"My dick looks like my mother." - Vladimir Putin

"My dick? Oh no, I'm not going to tell you about it. You'll have to discover it for yourself." - Bill Clinton

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Lance Will Fuck Again

"Why did you do it, Lance?"
"Because I'm the best."

"Justice or death!" - Sheryl Crow

"We'll have to see what he says, then the Agency can decide the appropriate action."
"What does he do till then?"
"What can anyone ever do? Jerk off into your hand and laugh and jizz and scream, delaying the inevitable."
- U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Press Conference

"Oprah, I'll basically fuck anything that has 'Rx' written on it." - Lance

"I went into it thinking he was Nixon, but now I see he's like Marie Curie." - Oprah

"Go, Lance, go! It's all a lie! I love the fucking denial. God, people are fucking sheep! Everything that is actually good is a fucking miracle." - the Editors cheering Lance on one of his post-admission Iron Man competitions

"The great man inspires the common man, and in return he gets the adoration he deserves: It was all to good to be true. I can't believe I ever believed in him." - Barack Obama

"To Love Is To Serve" - inscription, in Serbian, on a statue of Lance atop Đeravica, Kosovo

"And I almost had him play Lincoln...." - Steven Spielberg takes a long, hard look in the mirror

"There comes a point in every woman's life when she has to say, 'Enough is enough.' For me, that time is now. From this day on, I will no longer address allegations that I am a lesbian." - Jodie Foster

"The Truth doesn't matter as long as Love is real." - Lennay Kekua

"Fuck no. What? I mean what the hell is that?" - Warren Beatty, asked if Lance is his son

"I don't feel any sympathy for Lance. No one ever liked me in the first place." - Barry Bonds

"...but true fans of sport know that the most heartbreaking doping scandal of the times was not Lance but Marion Jones, for whom so much more was at stake." - Mitt Romney to a broken television, Tora Bora

"We've reached the limits of what the human body can do, and it's time to put that era behind us. The USADA is a reactionary institution. It has no vision, and it cannot last. The future of athletics lies beyond doping, beyond body mods, to a world of liquid metal, cybernetic intelligence,  molten capital, and coltan skies..." - Roger Clemens

"Lance Armstrong's body is the triumph of science over the human spirit." - Predator Drone XVU998

"What I can't stop thinking about is his penis. Between his big, lanky features and the emasculating effects of doping, I can't figure out what it would look like, how it would move. I imagine it like a long, hairy elbow." - Bill Clinton

"It's not so bad playing the wanker, Lance. The birds won't have you neither, but who needs their lot when it's paid for?" - Sean Bean consoles Lance at Scores, Sheffield

"There are still a lot of women who want to sleep with Lance Armstrong, but the sex is a whole lot sadder." - Lance

"Who uses a drug to win a competition?" - William S. Burroughs to Truman Capote in Hell

"There's nothing I'd like more than to feel sorry, but I don't. The truth is, you have only yourselves to blame." - Lance

"See how those dirt thistles fly in the wind, Young Rider? We used to fly so free. Yet a man is only truly free when he turns his back on the world, and the world turns its back on him. This is our time for learning. Our earthly disgrace is only the first round in the Battle for History. Sexy lips."
"Excuse me?"
- George W. Bush and Lance, out for a soulful ride in Burnt Chapel Creek, TX

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Past Lives of John Boehner

"…as the dweller in the body experiences childhood, youth, old age, so passes he on, to another body." - the Bhagavad Gita, 500 BC

In a past life, John Boehner led a congregation of pioneers across the Idaho deserts to a hill in Oregon where he promised them they would be raptured. They camped there for thirteen days in wait for the angels until they killed him and dumped his body in an alkaline lake.

A conservative man even across the epochs, Boehner decided to capitalize on the Yukon Gold Rush not by panning, but by opening a tannery in Anchorage. There, a one-eyed, half-breed working girl named Trixie (later to become Senator Rand Paul) caught his fancy. Boehner's efforts to win Trixie were in vain, and in an argument in a saloon she stabbed him with her stiletto and the wound became infected.  Old Doc Brown said Boehner died of brucellosis, but wiser men know he died of a broken heart.

He was a Viking who set sail to the West and never returned. He lived as 349 million separate generations of various bacteria, and as a fungus on Hannibal's balls as he crossed the Alps.

In the bakumatsu, Boehner was a low-level samurai who briefly lead one of the many factions then conspiring to restore imperial rule with themselves as the true powers behind the thrown. He was mocked behind his back for his feeble poetry and ultimately out-maneuvered within his own sect. This turned out to be a blessing, however, because he could not be held responsible when his former subordinates betrayed an allied faction and were massacred in return. He ended his days as an umbrella maker.

"O, Great Xerxes, how shall we test the fierceness of the Hellespont without danger?"
"Throw that pathetic Thracian there in."

During the French Revolution, Boehner was a landed gentlemen in Köningsberg. Although publicly he spoke out against it, privately he read and reread the writings of his fellow townsman, Immanuel Kant, about the universal enthusiasm the Revolution had stirred in the hearts of men. Change never came to Köningsberg in his lifetime.

Once, long ago, he was a bivalve, filtering the salt tears of the world at the bottom of the ocean.

In his happiest life, he was a Central Asian peasant who lived to ripe old age until the Khan rode through and razed his village to the ground. It filled him with terror, but also with awe, to see the Khan stride through the holocaust. Why, thought Boehner, did there have to be Great Men?

In a distant but very real future, a computer program inhabited with John Boehner's soul placidly not contemplates, but processes the whole of human history, content at last to have found its part therein.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I Dreamed A Dream, A Nightmare

 "The duration of daylight will be twenty-nine seconds longer tomorrow... and yet the days grow only blacker." - Jimmy Carter before crashing a crop duster

"Why else this great ocean, but as a monument to Death?" - Zheng He discovers the Pacific

"Order the collection of all the guns and children!" - Obama, dressed in white robes, to his Cabinet

"I'm a big fucking cop. Lick me. I'm your Dad." - Joe Biden to the NRA

"Tyler Perry's Minister of Culture and Matt Damon's gonna fuck all your wives!" - Sean Hannity

"If she were a man... I tremble at the thought..." - Prince Harry on Gabby Douglas

"But honestly, teach your sons not to rape." - Bill Pullman in a very special episode of 1600 Penn

"Strap him into the Womb Machine!" - Sandra Fluke

"I am truly the comeliest maiden in all the lands." - Goldilocks Boehner

"Gentlemen, we've discovered where God lives, and we have the means with which to kill Him." - a multi-racial and -gender group of scientists, as dreamed by Robert Oppenheimer

"Real progress in the humanization of Medicine will only occur when all surgeons are replaced by drones." - Dr. Sanjay Gupta

"Churches are no longer tax exempt! Soon there will be no more free refills and the people, paupers!" - Mike Huckabee, Boise

"Real black politicians!" - Corey Booker awakes with a start at Zuckerberg Palace

"I don't think we can fuck our way out of this one, Billy." - Roger and Bill Clinton, cornered on Space Isle Lesbos

"The Golden Gate Bridge is on fire!"
"That's not possible."
"Can't you see it?!"
"Ah. Coltan. Blood."
- Gavin Newsom addressing Jerry Brown while morphing into Bradley Cooper

"Jon, darling, wake up!"
"Xu Lin... Where am I?"
"You're here with me, honey."
"But where are we?!"
"Jon, calm down, you were having a nightmare."
"A nightmare..."
"You kept tossing and turning and you started shouting in English."
"I... I had the most terrible dream... Hong Fang and Liu Wei were trying to kill me..."
"Silly, why would Fang and Wei and way do that? Their job is to protect you. They're standing guard outside our door right now."
"The Triad--the Triad wanted me dead!"
"But, Jon where would the Triad be without you? And the Triad has given you everything in return: protection, this house, me..."
"That's just it, don't you see! They had me surrounded!"
"Jon. Come here. Let me hold you."
"You're right, my darling, you're right. I'm safe now. Back where I belong: in my beautiful home on this beautiful island, back in the loving embrace of--CHINESE GANGSTERS!!!"
- John Huntsman, gunned down in bed

Tuesday, January 1, 2013



ELYSIUM (January 1, 2013) -- The popular reference blog If You Can Read This, You're Lying has been acquired by Bloomberg News and the Clinton Foundation. The acquisition, which was announced today at the Bloomberg Necrodome, saved the blog from liquidation just one day after it had announced its imminent closure.

"We're just so glad the good times don't have to stop," said former President and current New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton. "This is the golden ticket to promoting literacy and scoring mondo puss. I love this blog like I love a big ol' jar of peanut butter."

The blog, which is a collection of apparently real quotations from prominent historical personages, will be run as a joint enterprise under the auspices of the Clinton Global Initiative. Mayor Michael Bloomberg compared the blog to his Bloomberg Terminals, stating that "instead of providing real-time access to market data, [the blog] reveals men's souls."

President Clinton and Mayor Bloomberg were joined by four masked individuals cloaked in dark robes who were introduced as the Editors of the blog. Asked for their names, the four shadowy figures replied in unison, "We are Legion." The Editors will remain responsible for creating the content of the blog with President Clinton approving all final drafts. "Next stop, Cash Mountain!" said the President.

"Would it be fair to describe the blog entries as sort of prose political cartoons?" asked Geert Wilders of WakkerNederland!. "It has that dimension, and within that dimension it has multitudes," stated the Editors, each speaking one word at a time and alternating words in such rapid succession as to give the terrifying impression that a single consciousness had spoken.

The press conference was briefly interrupted when bandito Paul Krugman stormed the stage, demanding $200 million in Federal spending for blog creation, stating "How close and bright would the future appear if two, three, many You're Lying's flowered on the internet, with their quota of death and their immense tragedies, with their daily heroism, with their repeated blows against imperialism!" The crisis was resolved when Mr. Krugman began to float in the air and the audience briefly blacked out, awaking to find themselves covered in blood with Mr. Kurgman and the Editors vanished.

Praise for the new If You Can Read This, You're Lying

"Dick move." - Michael Jordan

"That is some real self-regarding bullshit." - Judd Apatow 

"Tracking potential lone wolves will now be easier than ever." - Ray Kelly

"Propaganda of the Fuck!" - Woody Harrelson

"I haven't been this excited since.... unngghh... UNNGGHHH... MY HEAD!!!!" - Hillary Clinton

"I couldn't sleep for a week the first time I read this thing, and now I'm a broken man." - John Boehner

"Fix it right, son boy!" - Pa chasing me through the fields with a knife

"Oh, sure, we pass it around during the Talks for a laugh, those guys are some real assholes." - Barack Obama
"Hicks live on envy and big legged women."
"How do hicks marry?"
"Well done."
- Clinton in his first Editorial meeting

"Why do you care what I think? Haven't I caused enough suffering already? Just, please, leave me alone. " - George W. Bush

"More whiskey, sir?"
"It doesn't fucking work!"
-Timothy Geithner, President of Dartmouth College, 2018

"I print it out every post and feed it to my cat, his shit is disgusting!" - Eric Cantor

"Rich guys have more fun." - Bruce Ratner water skiing with the Editors

"This blog is as opaque as the love of an octopus. What is it even about?" 
"Everything is 'about' the blog."
- Rob Lowe and Leonardo DiCaprio