Tuesday, January 1, 2013



ELYSIUM (January 1, 2013) -- The popular reference blog If You Can Read This, You're Lying has been acquired by Bloomberg News and the Clinton Foundation. The acquisition, which was announced today at the Bloomberg Necrodome, saved the blog from liquidation just one day after it had announced its imminent closure.

"We're just so glad the good times don't have to stop," said former President and current New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton. "This is the golden ticket to promoting literacy and scoring mondo puss. I love this blog like I love a big ol' jar of peanut butter."

The blog, which is a collection of apparently real quotations from prominent historical personages, will be run as a joint enterprise under the auspices of the Clinton Global Initiative. Mayor Michael Bloomberg compared the blog to his Bloomberg Terminals, stating that "instead of providing real-time access to market data, [the blog] reveals men's souls."

President Clinton and Mayor Bloomberg were joined by four masked individuals cloaked in dark robes who were introduced as the Editors of the blog. Asked for their names, the four shadowy figures replied in unison, "We are Legion." The Editors will remain responsible for creating the content of the blog with President Clinton approving all final drafts. "Next stop, Cash Mountain!" said the President.

"Would it be fair to describe the blog entries as sort of prose political cartoons?" asked Geert Wilders of WakkerNederland!. "It has that dimension, and within that dimension it has multitudes," stated the Editors, each speaking one word at a time and alternating words in such rapid succession as to give the terrifying impression that a single consciousness had spoken.

The press conference was briefly interrupted when bandito Paul Krugman stormed the stage, demanding $200 million in Federal spending for blog creation, stating "How close and bright would the future appear if two, three, many You're Lying's flowered on the internet, with their quota of death and their immense tragedies, with their daily heroism, with their repeated blows against imperialism!" The crisis was resolved when Mr. Krugman began to float in the air and the audience briefly blacked out, awaking to find themselves covered in blood with Mr. Kurgman and the Editors vanished.

Praise for the new If You Can Read This, You're Lying

"Dick move." - Michael Jordan

"That is some real self-regarding bullshit." - Judd Apatow 

"Tracking potential lone wolves will now be easier than ever." - Ray Kelly

"Propaganda of the Fuck!" - Woody Harrelson

"I haven't been this excited since.... unngghh... UNNGGHHH... MY HEAD!!!!" - Hillary Clinton

"I couldn't sleep for a week the first time I read this thing, and now I'm a broken man." - John Boehner

"Fix it right, son boy!" - Pa chasing me through the fields with a knife

"Oh, sure, we pass it around during the Talks for a laugh, those guys are some real assholes." - Barack Obama
"Hicks live on envy and big legged women."
"How do hicks marry?"
"Well done."
- Clinton in his first Editorial meeting

"Why do you care what I think? Haven't I caused enough suffering already? Just, please, leave me alone. " - George W. Bush

"More whiskey, sir?"
"It doesn't fucking work!"
-Timothy Geithner, President of Dartmouth College, 2018

"I print it out every post and feed it to my cat, his shit is disgusting!" - Eric Cantor

"Rich guys have more fun." - Bruce Ratner water skiing with the Editors

"This blog is as opaque as the love of an octopus. What is it even about?" 
"Everything is 'about' the blog."
- Rob Lowe and Leonardo DiCaprio

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