Sunday, December 29, 2013


"I am the illusion of human agency." - the last words of Nelson Mandela

"The moment is not worth living in." -  HM after Duchess Kate shows her Snap Chat

"Reports that human life is inherently valuable could not be independently confirmed." - Reuters coverage of a drone attack on a Yemeni wedding

"The Islamicization of Europe is what those people get for letting down Communism." - Ilich Ramírez Sánchez

"You can help the poor and love everyone as a Catholic should, but the best thing is to Obey." - Pope Francis

"Come now, Mao did what any man would have done with that much power." - Jeff Bezos

"Stop gawking, now sit down and have a drink!"
"But I don't drink..."
"You do now! You'll drink if you want to be Supreme Leader."
- Chelsea Clinton and Georgina Bloomberg, Scores, Singapore

"You can't fail: you have the blood!" - Harvard Finishing School Dean of Grade Inflation

"Nothing in early adulthood is as demoralizing as watching class interest slowly impose itself on one's friends." - Lena Dunham

"I'm so important to human freedom and equality with my boring opinions and deluded self-image." - Ruth Bader Ginsburg heroically dies on the day of the inauguration of President Marco Rubio

"I'm a feminist, but I come first." - Devyani Khobragade

"Nothing a celebrity does is feminist." - Beyoncé

"I pardon your cunt." - Putin frees Pussy Riot

"My relationship to sex and violence is the same: they are all I think about, all I desire, and confronted with the opportunity to engage in either in real life, I shrink away, first in fear, then in disgust." - Cardinal Dolan to a sack of White Castle sliders

"I've always felt like sex was a club to which I was never invited and was only ever admitted to by mistake or force." - Ariel Castro

"I remember when me and Roger used to sneak under the house and read pulp novels. In a way, nothing's changed." - Bill Clinton

"Jesus, somebody get this guy a fucking treadmill." - Rafael Correa visits Julian Assange in the Embassy Taffy Room

"I'm lucky to have had the failures I've had. They enabled me to see more clearly the meaninglessness of it all, to understand, through direct, lived experience, the futility of all our efforts, the final and absolute impossibility of any hope. But this knowledge is cursed, for the same experiences that have enlightened me discredit me in the eyes of others. They think that I'm just a failure, but the truth of my failures is the failure of truth." - Al Gore

"Despair, superfluous man!" - Edward Snowden

"Hey there, corpsefucker. How's it going? Gonna fuck some corpses? Sure is a good day for corpsefucking." - Mitt Romney greets Tagg in the morning

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

What Wouldn't Adorno Do?

"'Good television' is the nadir of civilization." - Adorno

"How will the white flesh escape harm this week?" - the American filmgoer

“Used to be you had to see how bad life was for yourself. Now we've got the pictures." - Cary Grant burying a whore's body

"Bad as they are, we should really give movies more credit for not being television." - Lena Dunham

"One day I'll be an auteur and everyone will know my talent." - Brian DePalma to no one

"I walked out of a screening of Zardoz because the audience was being disrespectful." - Frederic Jameson

"Your bird there, why, she's very unusual."
"Yeah, from the islands! Haw haw haw!"
- Michael Caine and Albert Finney

"God, those tits are awesome, man." - Michelangelo to Boticelli

"It looks like we almost get to see Jennifer Lawrence's breasts in this movie!" - the Maxim reader discovers an ad for American Hustle 

"The murder of Reeva Steenkamp is the truth of the lad's mag." - FHM

"A white man hitting his wife: now that's theater!" - Modernists 

"Actually, I think of my works as comedies." - Strindberg strangling his wife

"To picture evil, make an evil picture." - Koji Wakamatsu

"What makes diners so sacred is that all the cooking is done by men. It's like Lawrence of Arabia." - Bill Clinton 

"Man, this race music is hot!" - Macca

"I don't know it's a little lavish..."
"Aww bitch, money and drugs are always close at hand!"
- Sen. Howard Baker and Elton John, Atlanta Hilton 1973

"I'm afraid my Sega Genesis has come to life and wants to kill me." - Thom Yorke

"I did the soundtrack to all the Sonic games!" - Herbie Hancock

“I’m inside the jazz!” - Rahsaan Roland Kirk

“Chiming ATM’s have more fun.” – Brian Eno, the Danny Boyle of sound

“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
– Adorno and Cioran deciding whether to destroy Eno’s entire discography or just everything since 1976

"I invented Daft Punk, man." - Neil Young drinks pure surgar cane ethanol while discussing Trans at an unlisted Tech Retreat, Marin County

"Nothing should ever be this damn smooth." - Adorno casts a copy of Coltrane and Hartman into the fireplace

"Not a just job. Just a job." - from Jean-Luc Godard's commercial for Volvo Dynamic Steering

"I'm so lost." - Jim Carey

"Be extremely handsome and try very hard." - Michael Fassbender on how to be an actor

“George. George, what is it.”
“I just want it to mean something.”
“What do you mean?”
“My life. This place. Other people. I don’t know.”
- George Clooney, staring off into space in South Sudan

“Protect the crop!” - Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar fights off meth zombies at the Bedtime for Bonzo Memorial Marihuana Gardens, Bohemian Grove

"I've discovered that the venomous species of spiders speak a more refined and entirely distinct speech from the non-venomous variety." - Van Gogh very loudly as he and Gaugin lie down to sleep, the apartment

"If I had known that all of Western Marxism would one day be nothing but a means to extend the consumption of commodities under the guise of critiquing them, I would have stuck to composing music no one listens to." - Adorno

"Why paint a picture when to drink is so much sweeter?" - Peter O'Toole

“In defeat, serenity.” - the Left

"Don't be a hick." - Stalin

Monday, December 16, 2013


"Who can, deserves to." - James Clapper

"Meaningless triumph!" - Xi Jinping, Moon Day

"All you need is belief... and unlimited violence." - Bashar al-Assad

"If you can't do God's work, do the Devil's." - Jacob Zuma

"Tell me, Goldilocks: How much violence is 'just right?'"
- the ghost of Nelson Mandela, strangling a white liberal in his sleep

"Gambling is fun and it pays better than the rackets!" - Peter O'Toole as Arnold Rothstein in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Fuck. Lou Reed, Madiba, Peter O'Toole... Next they'll take Santa and Castro." - Al Gore crushing Tylenol into a glass of whiskey

"I'm just glad Paul Walker didn't have to see this." - Vin Deisel

"Paul Walker gave us a means to heal both our species." - Anderson Cooper, telepathically linked to a pod of dolphins

"Johnson did it." - Robert Caro on the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination

"The true goal is not the destruction of the Enemy, but the purification of the Race in the crucible of war." - Benjamin Netanyahu, memo on the Iran nuclear talks

"What's that hiss?"
"The sound of everything you ever believed in deflating."
- Viktor Yanukovych, Putin

"Sex is a resource, and, like with all resources, certain people deserve to enjoy greater access to it than other people, and a market system is the best way to find out who is what kind of person." - Newt GinGinch, on Crossfire, to S. E. Cupp, whose lips curl up in agreement

"...and if you stare into the Algorithm, the Algorithm also stares into you..." - online dating survivor Edward Snowden

"Some girls just want to be colonized." - Eric Schmidt, Hong Kong

"Looking back on the bailout after all these years, I wonder, by keeping unfit specimens alive, did we do a disservice to the Race?" - Donald Rumsfeld passive aggressively to Hank Paulson, the Yale Club

"It's not stealing if you feel good about it." - Superbowl champion Vladimir Putin

"College sports team mascot : the white quaterback :: the white quaterback : the military-industrial-masculinity complex." - Terry Bradshaw on video, blindfolded and surrounded by militants

"Yeah, I saw that damn Upworthy clip of Hillary talking about abortion, it was all over Facebook, it was awful, like the whole of fucking 2016 played out in my mind, all of my friends totally forgetting how fucking disappointed they were with Obama and clamoring to support Hillary, shouting me down as sexist for pointing out that she'll be even worse than he was." - Carlos Danger

"I don't care much for my fellow Americans, to the extent that I don't know whether to compare them to sheep, cows, or pigs." - Hillary Clinton, Friar's Club Roast of Sarah Silverman

"Sometimes I wonder when the Republican Party is going to ditch the racists and the misogynists and the religious fanatics and open the party to all those hip young professionals, be they women, people of color, queers, whatever, people who just want things to work out for them, and make the party line about wealth and empire, plain and simple. But then I remember, that party already exists: it's the Democratic Party." - Arlen Specter in Hell

"It used to be American policy to replace dictators with dictators. Now it's American policy to replace dictators with power vacuums. No intellectual honesty person can deny that that is an improvement." - John McCain

"Information wants to be bought." - Mark Zuckerberg

"I was once as you are, Young Rider. I would know men's hearts. Yet the more I cultivated my powers of perception, the more the world grew dark and silent. There are no True Secrets in the affairs of men. Now I only listen to the whispering of the Wind." - George W. Bush on a bike ride with Barack Obama

"I shall call my horse 'Sporting Blood!'" - Peter O'Toole in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Every class has its vision of the way the world should be, and they're all bullshit. Poor people think the rich are sending us all to hell, and they're right--but so would they! Rich people think the poor don't know what they're talking about, and they're right--but neither do they! I tell you a secret, Barry: No one's in control, and no one can be. No one can control reality because reality itself is inconsistent. The only sure thing is violence--while it lasts." - Xi Jinping

"It is time for our nation to end its War on Terror and begin the War on the Everyday, to lift ourselves up above what is common and mundane in the final, exquisite struggle for Total Domination--or perish in the attempt. Only by testing ourselves against the Absolute can we test ourselves Absolutely. Transcendence or death!" - Cyborg Rex Obama

"Maybe all that matters is having a goal, it can be a curious one, even, but you have that goal, and if you can get it, it doesn't matter how many people you turn over on the way." - Mayor Bloomberg, ruminative over an apple pie with Bill De Blasio

"Men have sons to revenge themselves on their fathers."
- George H. W. Bush

"Law school or the army!"
"No, Pa!"
"Yes, Son Boy!"
"I want to be me--"
"You'll die by scythe, but you'll die respectable! Haw haw haw!!!"

"Those who want to be ruled will always outnumber those who want to rule." - John C. Calhoun, TED Talks

"I know where your sympathies lie, commissars: with the bomb thrower, the lone gunman, the dejected immigrant with apocalyptic desires, the pasty fop with delusions of historical agency, and above all the kept woman with the long knife in her lingerie, ready to go to the bathtub and change the hierarchy by blood!"- Peter Beinart to the students of Brown University after the Defenestration of Ray Kelly

"The true nihilist believes in a two-phase revolution. First, there must come to power a messianic totalitarian regime like Stalin's or Mao's or better yet the Khmer Rouge, only greater, more comprehensive, more futuristic, more insane, for only such a regime can annihilate the capitalists, the extinction of whom--not just as a class but as persons--is an essential precondition for the second phase. With the them gone, there can be no Thermidor, no moderate alternative on which we can fall back, and the choice humanity faces will be revealed in its true starkness: eternal slavery under absolute dictatorship or absolute freedom under total anarchy." - Sasha Obama, middle-school graduation speech

"We delight in violence and excess and evil no less than the Romans and Mayans of old." - George W. Bush gathering caulk at a Home Depot in suburban Dallas

"Youtube used to give me ads for Muslim dating services. Now it gives me beer ads in Spanish. I must be doing something right." - Roger Clinton

"People say I'm patrician but I have the toilet habits of the desert nomad." - George H. W. Bush

"I dunno, honestly, I'd rather just lush about until the money runs out and then starve to death."
"Ha, well, that's not an option, it's a waste."
"If only I had the discipline--to starve to death!"
"You've got to stop being a piece of shit. The fight will be terrifying and amazing. We've lived up to our hick beginnings but we have to push further and see the damn edge. There's no more easy answers and little fucking boxes to check. It's not going to work that way for us. We have to seize it and just try to put something out there that scrambles the suppression field just a bit. You can become a professional, likely make a fair bit of money and go to many important conferences. There's value in that. Run through those damn woods because if you stop running you'll be eaten and die."
-  Georgina Bloomberg, Chelsea Clinton

"Do what you love." - Jamie Dimon to the Princeton University Class of 2013

"If the machine is perfected, Tagg, then we can go back. Rafalca can breed with Sporting Blood and then... A perfect dresser created! A gold medal assured! And, thus, the White House!" - Mitt helping Tagg up after striking him during an argument

"Oh, I don't know. We've had a good run." - Warren Buffet on learning that a giant comet is about to destroy the world