Monday, December 16, 2013


"Who can, deserves to." - James Clapper

"Meaningless triumph!" - Xi Jinping, Moon Day

"All you need is belief... and unlimited violence." - Bashar al-Assad

"If you can't do God's work, do the Devil's." - Jacob Zuma

"Tell me, Goldilocks: How much violence is 'just right?'"
- the ghost of Nelson Mandela, strangling a white liberal in his sleep

"Gambling is fun and it pays better than the rackets!" - Peter O'Toole as Arnold Rothstein in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Fuck. Lou Reed, Madiba, Peter O'Toole... Next they'll take Santa and Castro." - Al Gore crushing Tylenol into a glass of whiskey

"I'm just glad Paul Walker didn't have to see this." - Vin Deisel

"Paul Walker gave us a means to heal both our species." - Anderson Cooper, telepathically linked to a pod of dolphins

"Johnson did it." - Robert Caro on the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination

"The true goal is not the destruction of the Enemy, but the purification of the Race in the crucible of war." - Benjamin Netanyahu, memo on the Iran nuclear talks

"What's that hiss?"
"The sound of everything you ever believed in deflating."
- Viktor Yanukovych, Putin

"Sex is a resource, and, like with all resources, certain people deserve to enjoy greater access to it than other people, and a market system is the best way to find out who is what kind of person." - Newt GinGinch, on Crossfire, to S. E. Cupp, whose lips curl up in agreement

"...and if you stare into the Algorithm, the Algorithm also stares into you..." - online dating survivor Edward Snowden

"Some girls just want to be colonized." - Eric Schmidt, Hong Kong

"Looking back on the bailout after all these years, I wonder, by keeping unfit specimens alive, did we do a disservice to the Race?" - Donald Rumsfeld passive aggressively to Hank Paulson, the Yale Club

"It's not stealing if you feel good about it." - Superbowl champion Vladimir Putin

"College sports team mascot : the white quaterback :: the white quaterback : the military-industrial-masculinity complex." - Terry Bradshaw on video, blindfolded and surrounded by militants

"Yeah, I saw that damn Upworthy clip of Hillary talking about abortion, it was all over Facebook, it was awful, like the whole of fucking 2016 played out in my mind, all of my friends totally forgetting how fucking disappointed they were with Obama and clamoring to support Hillary, shouting me down as sexist for pointing out that she'll be even worse than he was." - Carlos Danger

"I don't care much for my fellow Americans, to the extent that I don't know whether to compare them to sheep, cows, or pigs." - Hillary Clinton, Friar's Club Roast of Sarah Silverman

"Sometimes I wonder when the Republican Party is going to ditch the racists and the misogynists and the religious fanatics and open the party to all those hip young professionals, be they women, people of color, queers, whatever, people who just want things to work out for them, and make the party line about wealth and empire, plain and simple. But then I remember, that party already exists: it's the Democratic Party." - Arlen Specter in Hell

"It used to be American policy to replace dictators with dictators. Now it's American policy to replace dictators with power vacuums. No intellectual honesty person can deny that that is an improvement." - John McCain

"Information wants to be bought." - Mark Zuckerberg

"I was once as you are, Young Rider. I would know men's hearts. Yet the more I cultivated my powers of perception, the more the world grew dark and silent. There are no True Secrets in the affairs of men. Now I only listen to the whispering of the Wind." - George W. Bush on a bike ride with Barack Obama

"I shall call my horse 'Sporting Blood!'" - Peter O'Toole in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Every class has its vision of the way the world should be, and they're all bullshit. Poor people think the rich are sending us all to hell, and they're right--but so would they! Rich people think the poor don't know what they're talking about, and they're right--but neither do they! I tell you a secret, Barry: No one's in control, and no one can be. No one can control reality because reality itself is inconsistent. The only sure thing is violence--while it lasts." - Xi Jinping

"It is time for our nation to end its War on Terror and begin the War on the Everyday, to lift ourselves up above what is common and mundane in the final, exquisite struggle for Total Domination--or perish in the attempt. Only by testing ourselves against the Absolute can we test ourselves Absolutely. Transcendence or death!" - Cyborg Rex Obama

"Maybe all that matters is having a goal, it can be a curious one, even, but you have that goal, and if you can get it, it doesn't matter how many people you turn over on the way." - Mayor Bloomberg, ruminative over an apple pie with Bill De Blasio

"Men have sons to revenge themselves on their fathers."
- George H. W. Bush

"Law school or the army!"
"No, Pa!"
"Yes, Son Boy!"
"I want to be me--"
"You'll die by scythe, but you'll die respectable! Haw haw haw!!!"

"Those who want to be ruled will always outnumber those who want to rule." - John C. Calhoun, TED Talks

"I know where your sympathies lie, commissars: with the bomb thrower, the lone gunman, the dejected immigrant with apocalyptic desires, the pasty fop with delusions of historical agency, and above all the kept woman with the long knife in her lingerie, ready to go to the bathtub and change the hierarchy by blood!"- Peter Beinart to the students of Brown University after the Defenestration of Ray Kelly

"The true nihilist believes in a two-phase revolution. First, there must come to power a messianic totalitarian regime like Stalin's or Mao's or better yet the Khmer Rouge, only greater, more comprehensive, more futuristic, more insane, for only such a regime can annihilate the capitalists, the extinction of whom--not just as a class but as persons--is an essential precondition for the second phase. With the them gone, there can be no Thermidor, no moderate alternative on which we can fall back, and the choice humanity faces will be revealed in its true starkness: eternal slavery under absolute dictatorship or absolute freedom under total anarchy." - Sasha Obama, middle-school graduation speech

"We delight in violence and excess and evil no less than the Romans and Mayans of old." - George W. Bush gathering caulk at a Home Depot in suburban Dallas

"Youtube used to give me ads for Muslim dating services. Now it gives me beer ads in Spanish. I must be doing something right." - Roger Clinton

"People say I'm patrician but I have the toilet habits of the desert nomad." - George H. W. Bush

"I dunno, honestly, I'd rather just lush about until the money runs out and then starve to death."
"Ha, well, that's not an option, it's a waste."
"If only I had the discipline--to starve to death!"
"You've got to stop being a piece of shit. The fight will be terrifying and amazing. We've lived up to our hick beginnings but we have to push further and see the damn edge. There's no more easy answers and little fucking boxes to check. It's not going to work that way for us. We have to seize it and just try to put something out there that scrambles the suppression field just a bit. You can become a professional, likely make a fair bit of money and go to many important conferences. There's value in that. Run through those damn woods because if you stop running you'll be eaten and die."
-  Georgina Bloomberg, Chelsea Clinton

"Do what you love." - Jamie Dimon to the Princeton University Class of 2013

"If the machine is perfected, Tagg, then we can go back. Rafalca can breed with Sporting Blood and then... A perfect dresser created! A gold medal assured! And, thus, the White House!" - Mitt helping Tagg up after striking him during an argument

"Oh, I don't know. We've had a good run." - Warren Buffet on learning that a giant comet is about to destroy the world

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