Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Excerpts from the Oration of Sen. Chevy Cruz

"College debate is real!" - 3:05 p.m.

"For this speech, as in all things, I've decided to rely exclusively on the U.S. Constitution and Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies." - 4:11 p.m.

"Time is the revelation of Being as Nothingness." - 5:58 p.m.

"Women's tennis isn't real tennis." - 7:19 p.m.

"That's why America should imitate the British in standards of public debate and private pleasure..." - 8:21 a.m.

"I mean, it's disappointing, you know? The Barclays Center? I mean, yeah, I guess it's here now, and it's not going anywhere anytime soon, but, c'mon, you expect better of Thom Yorke." - 9:47 p.m., on his tickets to see Atoms for Peace this weekend

"...There are places where people worship terrible gods..." - 10:00 p.m.

"But what if instead of restoring order, putting the Triforce together actually creates disorder in a parallel universe, and that's why there's always be a new Zelda game, just like there will always be a new welfare initiative." - 11:35 p.m.

"...a pack of condoms and a staple remover..." - 12:06 a.m.

"...torn between the rejection of life as we know it and the rejection of life as such..." - 12:31 a.m.

"At this point I think if you even talk about it, you're part of the problem." - 1:48 a.m., on women's rights or Miley Cyrus

"...unutterably profane, lines all tangled together like so many limbs, voices commingling..." - 2:17 a.m., on early polyphonic Church music

"Do unto others as you fear they may inevitably do unto you." - 3:00 a.m.

"Conservative films and ideas are conspicuously absent on Blu-Ray. This is not just something we can change, but something we must change."- 6:15 a.m.

"Guillermo del Toro is the one on trial here. Can he prove to me that's he's actually directed a good film? If time permits I'll get into the Joss Whedon thing..." - 6:43 a.m.

"I just realized: Everyone who ever voted for Ross Perot is dead." - 6:45 a.m.

"People say I'm like a young Glenn Ford--"
from the gallery "--You're not Ford, you hick slut, I'll kill you where you--"
"--Senator McCain, I have the floor! I hold the conch!"
- 7:20 a.m.

"And I say, 'Doctor, I can't stop shitting!' And he says, 'Son, that's Evil comin out!'" - 8:51

"Now, Mr. Speaker, stop me if someone has used this before on a long speech, ' Cruz, party of One.' Haw haw haw haw haw!" - 9:05 a.m.

"People are going to mock my reference to Green Eggs and Ham. I was actually planning to talk about the Sneetches, but you people can't fucking handle it." - 10:28 a.m.

"Tea is just water with dead leaves in it." - 11:14 a.m.

"How many of my colleagues are evil men with evil thoughts and evil desires, and how many of them are men of good will in the thrall of bad ideas? It is a question I have often asked myself and which grows more unanswerable with the asking. There is something inscrutable in the human heart. The harder we look at it, the less we see. We try to peer into it, and it becomes opaque. We lift up its cover, and it scuttles away. A receding horizon. A deepening well." -  1:37 p.m.

"...What am I doing? What is any man doing?..." - 2:49 p.m., as he is forcibly rehydrated by medics