Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What Vague and Chaste Slavery

"At last, I was just like everyone else! I wouldn't have to kill anyone again!" - Barack Obama, 2013

"We just reached the debt limit, soon we'll reach the sex limit, then the fear limit, then the bacon limit!" - Sen. Rand Paul

"Black women are the new spaceshuttle!" - Newt Gin Ginch

"Dear Judge: Baby, we've got to fuck. If you can't see that, then I can't help you." - Eric Holder

"I can't walk with a woman by my side." - Sen. Harry Reid

"I feel like an emotional tourist." - Mitt Romney

"I ate my horse." - Sen. Saxby Chambliss
Amtrak Security porn on the TV
Trains wheels save tight, college-bound legs from wear
Penn Station is the best basement ever

- Joe Biden
"While this Blog still posts, the true Hate shall not vanish from the Earth." - POTUS Barack Hussein Obama II, the Spider Memorial

We Watched Adult Swim

"Dr. Paul you can't operate on a blind child and filibuster the administrative state!" "Just watch me Senator."
This Fall on CBS: Sen. Rand Paul, MD, with Hugh Laurie as Harry Reid

A Lifetime Special: Vlad Putin and Lil' Boots Medvedev star in Maid in Manhattan II: Late Checkout

New Late Night MTV: Total Indie-Request Live with your VJ's David Cameron, Timo Soini, and Roger Daltrey

"Hey Bernanke, you think those chicks are pro?" - Elliot Spitzer as the 2005 version of himself in Law & Order: Securities and Exchange

Special Live 30 Rock Episode to Be Arnold Schwarzeneggar's Triumphant Return to Fucking!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Fuck Off

"Free Ai Weiwei." - The Editors

"China, what a shithole." - Jerome Cohen

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Not Guilty

"The greatest misogyny is that of women against other women."
- Kenneth Moreno

"NY1 is like a cross between a church bulletin, a French talk show, and Cuban state television." - Franklin Mata

"Pedophiles aren't gay!" - Joseph Ratzinger

"One of those dark, deadly, quiet men who have no more feelings than a butcher has for slaughtered meet. I knew it the first time I saw you."
- Michelle Obama

"Family is ideology." - Arnold Schwarzeneggar

"The poor are carbs." - George W. Bush

"We should focus on a line of products entirely devoted to the narcissism of the consumer." - Steve Jobs

"All that you can do in your life is decide--assuming that there is any part of your mind capable of free action and not entirely overdetermined by unconscious drives, ideological programming, or deterministic biological processes--to what larger historical tendency--of which you may not have any real knowledge--you will contribute your individual effort, while keeping in mind that every aspect of that tendency, including the efficacy of your own actions in and upon it, remains fundamentally outside of your control."
- Bill Clinton

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Da Basement

"Hey there Bob. I think I gotta tune worked out, but what's this about 'the heart is filled with gold as if it were a purse?'"
"You know, you'll die by your own hand."
-Richard Manuel and Bob Dylan, Basement of Big Pink, 1967

"A dark liquid is surging into the basement! Like those green, dark waters that the secret family drinks for purity. She was my daughter, now my queen, and like a pavlovian tapeworn, she digests metal when in the presence of legionaire's disease and the Beatle's 'Don't Pass Me By.' - A young Col. Roosevelt stealing a few soft words below in the dark with his date, The Sweetland Ball

"The Swiss : cuckoo clocks :: Austrians : basements." - Orson Welles

"Here the night is dark, the ground is cold, but I wouldn't dream of starting my campaign anywhere else." - Newt Gin-Ginch draped in diamonds

"Love at first sight." - Amy Chua on Josef Fritzl

"What can I say, I'm an unreconstructed Austrian, I love basements." - Arnold Schwarzeneggar

"A Tiger Mom never cleans the basement."

"An impertinent poet is like a callow dog or a fine bottle of wine. A few decades down in the dark here and there and they come out just right for consumption, with bulging fish eyes and a new sweetness of voice." - Dr. José Gaspar Rodríguez de Francia y Velasco

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Is Goldman Sachs Speeding Up the Future? Part Three

Dear Raoul,

You fool, you’ve taken up exactly the point of debate I wanted to wage.

Friedman, Harvey, and Arrighi (or what I've read of them) share a conviction that is a a common fallacy: proactive revolution, that is to say, revolution out of step with the dialectic. If you want to get drunk on Marxism, read Marx, who preaches a vast wasteland of starvation and depravity around which the revolution must coalesce. That is to say, in contemporary terms, high food prices leading to starvation, global warming making the planet uninhabitable, overaccumulation rendering all but the highest brackets of society uninhabitable.

All of which are, obviously, outcomes that we must not allow to come to pass. But the "speed up the future" argument, as I had come to understand it, is a provisionally nihilistic exercise in Realpolitik. As such, it stands to reason that the dialectical forces that will bring revolution in the context of a vacuum of proactive progressivism will come more quickly, thus dulling the potential decades of starvation and depravity. You will recall that food prices were the single most tangible material deficit to inspire Tunisia and Egypt. Ideologies of liberation were powerful enough only to provide a reactive rallying cry. There was a historical-material trigger, suggesting that perhaps the Historical Dialectic cannot subsist on ideology alone, no matter how pressingly progressive that ideology may be.

There is a third possibility here, which would be to speed up the future by raising awareness of exploitation and depravity in the ruling classes among the wretched of the earth, thus triggering the reactive progressive move through a synthesis of ideology and empirical observation. This would seem to be Harvey's angle, though I fear he preaches only to a choir for whom political action is fetishized but not properly understood--a choir who, given the opportunity to take up arms for the cause, would prefer to keep reading, assuming their comrades were safe and their meals still adequate.

If I can sum this all up in one proclamation, it is this: we need a radical leftist Realpolitik.Without it I fear we are condemned to bitching, moaning, and smoking cigarettes inside our intricately constructed ideological cocoons, drunk on the feeling of raw and utter truth and superiority we draw from a vital and devastating knowledge on which we know not how to act. We too need the dialectic.

Never doubt my leftism again, you motherfucker. I would gladly piss in Friedman's mouth and nuke the Aspen Institute.

- Francis Fukuyama

Street Hassle

And then sha-lala-lala he entered her slowly
and showed her where he was coming from
And then sha-lala-lala he made love to her gently
It was like she'd never ever come.
'God, a woman once said words like those to me. It was so intoxicating. What a fool I was.'

'Really? That would scare the shit out of me.'

'Even more stimulating than the thought of her pleasure is that of your own prowess, when the truth is that you're both just mute slaves to your bodies. It's disgusting.'

- Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney, as overheard at The Cakeshop

Meanwhile, Everywhere

"A black domestic versus a lacivious Jew? Jesus, I don't know where to come down on this one." - Marine Le Pen

"I don't know, I've never talked to one, but their hair is so nice, they can do so many things with it!" - Arianna Huffington on the maid

"Mass-produced heterosexuality drives me wild." - Judd Apatow

"I am Mike Huckabee!" - Tim Pawlenty

"My favorite musician was Nero." - Sweet Micky

"Between the caterpillar and the butterfly, there is nothing but putrescence. There is no mystical creature between. The chrysalis is a rotting mess. First there was a Woman. And she drew out of me a silken thread. Along that thread danced seven golden orbs. She drew the cord taught, then let it fall to the ground, shattering each tiny globe." - Sheikh Erik Prince

"If the rapture doesn't come today, I want back my years of involuntary chastity." - the Editors

"I believe, Tink! I fucking believe!" - an adult Peter Pan snorting cocaine at Scores, Ibiza


"Does a man deserve praise for being the reluctant vehicle of the inevitable? Sure, I guess." - Tariq Ali

"Birthright Summer of '67 forever!" - POTUS Barack Hussein Obama II

"When you buy an election, you always get your change." - Mahmoud Abbas

"I can't be secure unless I eat the entire wedding cake!" - The Bride of Netanyahu

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Scatalogical Formalism

"My asshole is as soft as soy milk." - Tim Pawlenty

"My jizzum is pure steam, my blood, buttermilk!" - Rand Paul

"My sweat smells like elephant shit." - Paul Ryan

"My sperm count makes Detroit look like Miami." - Newt Gin-Ginch

"I could not help it, years of abuse turned my member sentient." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"I shave my balls with duck demi-glace and blades of the finest obsidian." - Dominique Strauss-Khan

"You can't trust anything a black woman says." - Bernard Henri-Lévy

Is Goldman Sachs Speeding Up the Future? Part 2

Dear Francis,

High food prices speed up the future in that they create hardship among the wretched of the earth, leading to revolt. But that revolt is by no means necessarily going to be toward an egalitarian, rather than merely populist, end—thus potentially setting the future back. Witness: mass hunger and the election of Sweet Mickey in Haiti. Where speculation-inflated prices least speed-up the future is in America and Europe, because agricultural subsidies there insulate them from the global market.The mild rise in food prices in the West is nothing compared to the devastation unleashed elsewhere. Indeed, the more global prices rise, the better subsidies appear politically to self-interested voters ("Look at how food prices are rising around the world! What will happen to us if we don't continue to subsidize our foods?!"), thus worsening the problem and retarding change in the heart of Capital. You're being inattentive to the geographically uneven nature of capitalist development and have been seduced by a vision of smooth, one-dimensional globalization. Yes, speculation-inflated food prices do speed up the future, but so did Stalinism--to the future of extinction. QED You are a dumb bitch and you need to stop reading Thomas Friedman and start reading Michael Harvey and Giovanni Arrighi.

I know I'm going to hell--all my friends are going to be there!

Raoul Castro

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Is Goldman Sachs Speeding Up the Future? Part 1

Dear Raul,

Is Goldman Sachs speeding up the future? This article seems to think so, though it's author seems to have missed the fact.

Discussion item for a future series of beers at Lowlands:
How, and under what circumstances, can market-driven speculation be an asset to the progressive cause?

Provisional Answer A (the "Neo-liberal-leftist" answer): When asset commodity prices are kept artificially low by government intervention, thus slowing down the future, market speculation can correct for the downward price manipulation.

Provisional Answer B (the "Trotskyite" answer): Fuck you and your fucking category mistake, you motherfucker.

Provisional Answer C (the "social enterprise as liberation theology" answer): Under most circumstances, and the only reason you think it can't is because your disdain for synergies between capitalism and progressivism has condemned you to a life of bitter, self-righteous irrelevance. If The Future is a 180mph Ferrari that just crossed the Swiss border, you are an Italian cop with no jurisdiction.

Provisional Answer D: Only in the case of consumables.

Yours Truly,
Francis Fukuyama

P.S. Oh yeah, here’s the link, you motherfucker.

We Are All Maria Shriver

"Female bodies are investment sites for affective capital. Breasts are not for baby's milk, but male emotions." - Donald Trump

"My politics are washed in the bodies of my women." - Thaksin Shinawatra

"My choice for VP will be the woman who will be my next wife." - Newt Gin Ginch

"Where's my gas mask, you slough heap?" - Nikki Haley

"I do love a good gurgle." - Rick Santorum on torture and intimacy

"Godly sex should sound like wrapping a cold fish in newspaper." - Mitt Romney

"The People can shave my balls with duck demi-glace and a blade of the finest obsidian." - Harold Ford, Jr.
Q: What kind of "socialist" would head the IMF?
A: A rapist.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Speed Up the Future

"It is not worth the bother of posting, since you always post too late." - Emil Cioran

More posts from the future that Rob Lowe traveled back in time to prevent from happening.

Hard Milk
Throat Bite
Sex Junction
Welcome to the Injustice of Testing
Doom Beard
Who's Gonna Go Marat?
Title/Tag Text Taffy
"Don't Be Evil" Is the New Nationalism
Coca-Cola Presents Blackwater
World Punked By Ancient Orson Welles
Vision of Tits: The Robert Redford Story
Punishing Vanity
New York Review of Boxed Wine
The New Guilded Age
Mustache Cruelty
Gubbermint Jawbs
Vitrolla Babylon
Hate Regimen
We Are the NATO We Are Looking For

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Body Farm

"Youth is almost over and nothing good has happened yet." - Natalie Portman

"I'm only twenty-five! My body shouldn't be like this!"
"Don't worry we'll get you off your hick couch and back in the ring."
- the Editors

"All that youth-is-health shit is a myth. This whole society is glucose ridden and sweating abnormally." - Vice Admiral Regina M. Benjamin

"My body is an abandoned wonderland." - Dominique Strauss-Kahn

"Why shave when you could be hideous?" - Bill Richardson

"Fuck, the doctors says I have to replace beef in my diet with salmon, and beer with red wine! The cycle of decadence never ends!" - Rob Lowe

The Videogameization of the Middle East

"Joining up was the best decision I never made." - Curtis James Jackson III

"One hundred pieces of gold! I live again!" - Mohammed bin Zayed

"SNAAAAAAAAKE!" - Erik Prince

"Be Evil." - Justice Antonin Scalia, Blackwater v. Google

"Assad fucking sucks at Halo." - Wikileak 12424G

"I really should go outside. All I'm doing is sitting here running the same meaningless scenario again and again. God, I'm so depressed." - Ali Khamenei

Slavoj Zizek or Ringo Starr?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

New York Review of Blood

"My God, he went in a communist and came out writing young adult fiction." - David Foster Wallace on Jonathan Franzen, the Iowa Writer's Workshop

"Once some pretty Ernst Junger-man came up to you at the party you'd be finished. It'd all be bottle service and looking away while they dragged off your bros." - Roberto Bolaño to Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Palace of the Revolution

"I wrote a novel! But, I drank it!" - Paul Auster

"I've kidnapped a high school forensics team, I'm having them read quotes in-character from my walk in closet, it's glorious, I feel like I'm almost God..." - Berkeley Law Professor John Yoo

"Thank god I finished this article, now to send it to my clown editor and watch him slip his thick-fingered hands up its anus." - Seymour Hersh on Mr. Tina Brown

"You'll come for the review, but you'll stay for the criticism." - Mark Halperin

"Harry Potter was originally about the Spanish reconcentrados in Cuba. My, it took some heavy editing." - J.K. Rowling

"You always bring me crayons! I want markers, damnit!" - Ernest Hemingway, Ketchum, ID, July 1, 1961

"Did you see that? That dachshund did not give a fuck!" - Rip Torn to Norman Mailer
"Could Qaddafi be dead? Is there anything we don't hatebattle on this thing?" - contributing editor Kiera Knightley

Death Events and Fear Polyps

"The constant and fierce stimulation of youth and college is giving way to the horrible reality that we live for decades" - Saif al-Islam Qaddafi

"Shut the blinds! Fill the stadiums! Play surf music till there is Order!" - Bashar al-Assad

"I am the World Cup!" - Colonel Qaddafi's last speech

"I am the Mahdi revealed post-VE Day and pre-VD Day!" - Mohammad Ali Jafari

"You have to explicitly invoke your right to silence or special forces can kill you." - Justice Antonin Scalia

"If I could destroy one thing about human nature, it would be love." - Michelle Obama

"Bin Laden died in a VW bus accident in Kandahar, Phil Lesh of the Grateful Dead hit him, Graham Nash and David Crosby saw the whole thing!" - Phil Collins

"For every Trader Joe's built, twenty villages will die in India." - Samantha Power

"Ok, our energy policy is like driving the ball into the woods on the second shot of a par 4. We'll need to pursue alternatives carefully as we position our shot through the trees, and if we enact this agenda in 6 months we may yet make par, but if revolution breaks out in Saudi Arabia, we may be headed for a double bogey." - Tom Friedman on Energy, or is he really just talking about golf?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Welcome to Freedome

"Keep a hateful dick!" - Margaret Thatcher

"I am Prince William!" - James Franco

"Your soul is a Bangkok shot glass!" - Australia to Guy Pearce

"Bambi was about me!" - Rob Lowe

"Mommy, I want my blanket." - POTUS Ronald Reagan reaching for the Nuclear Football in his sleep

"The Market is a better mother than Joan Crawford!" - Ayn Rand

"I am Neil Diamond's vocoder." - POTUS Jimmy Carter

"My sex is also a life raft!" - Tyler Perry

"Don't you get it?! We could fuck like this forever!" - Scrooge McDuck

"Truly this is as good as it gets!" - Jefferson Davis

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Banshee Scream of the Tiger Mother

"A Tiger Mom masturbates her child with popsicles."

"A Tiger Mom takes the garden sheers to her daughter's clitoris."
"A Tiger Mom makes sure her daughter only says 'nigger' at the dinner table."
"These children are ill!" - Dr. Spock

"A Tiger Mom cuts off her son's penis."
"A Tiger Mom arbitrarily takes away her child's food so that it learns who feeds it."

"A Tiger Mom has the voice of Ronald Reagan and the hands of Carol Burnett."
"Tiger Moms are cunts." - Edward Said

"A Tiger Mom teaches her daughter to cut her playmate's face."

"A Tiger Mom never picks up her daughter's Korean friend."

"Desire is its own law, for a Tiger Mother."

"Chastity is a lack of generosity." - The Tiger Mom

War Is the Continuation of Blogging By Other Means

"The real 9/11 was in Santiago! I said that in the car after dinner once, and my family exploded. What the hell are you talking about?! I explained and they were becalmed. They were far more upset the time I compared Love, Actually to the white telephone comedies of Fascist Italy. Oh man, the response was hateful. My finest Frankfurt School moment, wasted on my Volvo blood!" - Ira Glass

"If I don't hate myself, then who will?" - George W. Bush

"Sir, are you satisfied?"
"Does the Pope scream at night?"
- Steve Kroft, Barack Obama

"Night and loneliness descend, every weekend the same as every preceding weekend and every weekend that ever will be, a vast plateau of undifferentiated time, the illusion of events. Not a respite, a reminder: there is nothing to look forward to." - Anwar al-Awlaki, February 25, 1993

"Even if you're coloring in the lines, it's still red marker!" - John Yoo

"I don't want to be a soldier, I've never even fired a gun, my hands are for woman's breasts!" - Harry Wales

"I'm all the evidence the world will ever need." - Rob Lowe

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Break my heart! Smash my wheelbarrow!

"The secret to happiness is never loving any one as much as they love you." - Carla Bruni

"To love Rob Lowe is to be violated by the weight of History."
- Rob Lowe

"My heart and yours are the same and that heart is breaking."
- Rep. John Boehner

"Yeah, this is some Rob-Lowe-flying-over-the-city-grabbing-young-girls music!" - Bruce Springsteen

"Once you steal your friend's woman and then forget her, you can watch anyone die!" - Eric Clapton

"Something is wrong with his hands." - Judd Nelson on Robe Lowe

"This goddam pseudophedrine has turned my dick to jelly!"
- Tom Clancy
Dreamsicle sex and rainbow cocks
Cake frosting whippits and insulin shock
Hot pink nipples in leather bikinis
Lamb skin condoms and sour appletinis
All are welcome in the Garden of Regress
All shall succor from my pathological largesse.
- Rob Lowe at Delphi

Neptune's Spear

A SEAL tries to fit his cock into his firearm. Photo Credit: John Moore/Sex Herald

"Call of Duty is the largest commonality among Americans whose opinions change the quickest." - the Brookings Institution

"I want a team of commandos that will fuck our enemies like I fuck my friends' wives." - JFK, on the creation of the Navy SEALs

"The Memorial now has its Prettiest Star!" - Jareth, Goblin King

"My name is Sarah and I am 6 years old."
- Not the Case, Hackensack, NJ

"7-way Rape!" - WWE founder Joel Osteen

"Dude! This is like Where the Wild Things Are except your mom never calls you to dinner!" - Geraldo Rivera exclusive interview with one of Them

"The dead bodies of celebrities are spectacular." - Rob Lowe

Monday, May 2, 2011

Ignorant Victory

Illuminatus: My god, there's so much bin Laden death porn, my hands have grown misshapen and ill from use. From “USA USA" to "O, to celebrate the death is so wrong, I do not because I'm drowning in shit!"

pH: If we killed the fucking king, I'd celebrate. If they hung up Mubarak, I'd toast. Al-Assad. Sarkozy. Marine Le Pen. George W. Bush. I'd drink to those cowards. They are actual oppressors.

Illuminatus: Bin Laden's just a whore-killing pimp.

pH: Bingo. If some one lost a family member on 9/11, the USS Cole, in the embassies, they have their right to revenge. I applaud their pleasure. The rest are a bunch of frat boys and lumpens one lay away from fascism.

Illuminatus: Sex nationalism lives!

pH: The doctrine of terror, the doctrine of symbolic exchange, the doctrine of capitalism, from Robespierre to bin Laden, Thiers to W: all deaths are equal when considered only as spectacle. America kills Arabs, so Arabs kill Americans. Never mind the actual role any empirical individual plays (or doesn’t) in the perpetuation of systematic violence. Never mind whether it's 3,000 Americans or 100,000 Iraqis (and never mind that they’re Iraqis). The actual numbers don’t matter, only the images. On the one hand, who needs a mountain of corpses, when just one image of destruction can be infinitely reproduced? On the other: no matter how many people you kill, you’ll never be able to blot out that one hideous face.

Illuminatus: This is justice, but it's the justice of war, which is terrible.

pH: What is justice? It is legitimate violence. What if you could separate the legitimacy from the actual violence? Then it's all legitimate.

Illuminatus: Lust of fear!

pH: We made, if not bin Laden, the swamp that bred him. We've cleaned up one particularly vicious death gator. So what. All I feel is shame.

Illuminatus: I don't particularly feel anything.

This is the best episode of The West Wing ever!

"Acting is its own form of jihad." - Rob Lowe

"Heady shit, man, heady shit." - Donald Rumsfeld hoofing paint

"Put out the fire, my love: the War on Terror is over." - Rob Lowe

"The team consisted of Solid Snake, Hunter S. Thompson, Stanley McChrystal, and a case of Bud Light Lime." - Admiral Mike Mullen

"My nipples are perfectly balanced between patriotism and evil." - Rob Lowe

"Should he be tried in space?" - Jeffrey Toobin

"My face is counter-terrorism." - Rob Lowe
"Who's house is that?"
"Why that's Osama bin Laden's house, go ahead and knock, he loves visitors!"
"Obama's job is done, now I shall be First Lady." - Rob Lowe

"When our nation secures such great victories I prefer not to gloat. I just enjoy a simple dinner of blood and cod." - Karl Rove

"The future is wet." - Robe Lowe

"Why would we give a shit?" - China

"As a reward for their daring, I will kiss each of the Navy Seals once, for 25 seconds." - Rob Lowe

"I find this all very tasteless." - Oscar Wilde

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Bin Laden Mansion Party Labelled "Disaster"

"This is the best videogame ever!" - Wolf Blitzer

"I deliver six pizzas a day there, it's someone big!" - the informant

"He died in a mansion in the suburbs of Islamibad?! Are you sure it wasn't the Wu Tang Clan?!" - Gen. David Petraeus

"Fuck! We were going to have lunch." - Pakistani ISI

"We are the aftershave of the blade of History!" - the CIA

"Where's the death certificate?" - Donald Trump

"You fools! You've killed Gaspar Llamazares!" - José Zapatero

"God, I'm such a failure." - George W. Bush

"It took ten years, two wars, $1.2 trillion dollars, and he still died in a mansion?! Charlie Sheen has a word for that." - Charlie Sheen

"Does this mean the party's over?" - Bill Clinton at Scores in Ibiza

Gown of Wasps

Dear Liars,

You guys had so many entries the last few months, maybe the blog has some sort of seasonal mental disorder. It’s getting warmer, but I know you’re not posting less because you’re outside enjoying the sun. OK, so Libya didn’t turn out like you'd hoped. You didn’t turn out like you'd hoped. Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you! Look, the blog isn't about self-loathing and blaming women for everything! I demand subtle humor! Love is a necessary evil! Happiness is just a higher form of self-hate! If you don’t know what you’re looking for, stop looking and just enjoy the view. Then set it on fire.

Your fan,

Marnie Stern

How I Won The War

"I'm hard as a tortoise on this steamed out scene!" - McCain in Bhengazi

"Is it just me or is this shit turning into Super Mario Bros 3?" - Lt. Gen. Charles Bouchard

“My dick can talk!” – Bashar al-Assad

“If one could shit the pot sloppily and not care there would only be a need for grand works of martial instruction.” – Ali Abdullah Saleh

"Dogs are lying down with cats in Palestine!" - Avigdor Lieberman

"Look here, just because I occasionally exploit populist hatred of Israel doesn't mean I'm sending this crate of delicious hummus back to Tel Aviv." - Amr Moussa

"Tell me where the library at Alexandria is hidden?!"
"You're crazy I can't even read, uhhhh my gas!"
- Hillary Clinton and Hosni Mubarak

“Can I be an Arab too?” – David Frost

Hate Diet

“I must kill my body before it kills me!” - Lawrence Summers

"That vegan stuff is poison, it makes your shit self-aware!" - Roger Ailes

"Gastropubs are the new gulag archipelago." - Vladimir Putin

"I've learned travel is a waste of money, food is meaningless, and alcohol resets every afternoon." - Michael Pollan