Monday, November 23, 2015

The Sword Is The Axis Of The World and
Grandeur Cannot Be Divided

“Hey, remember when it was 2003 and the French were fucking cowardly traitors? Was there a Facebook filter for that?” - Ahmed Chalabi in Hell

"Close all the Borders!" - Jeff Bezos, 2011 (a.k.a. Year I of the Revolution)

"Je suis Charlie!" - Charlie Sheen

“States are butchers. ISIS is a butcher, France is a butcher, state politics is butchery, the flag is a butcher's apron.” - deGaulle

“...yet I can’t help but wonder, Monsieur le Président, what if we’re fighting something that cares about more than image?” - Manuel Valls, post-Raqqa airstrike champagne reception

Do you hear in the countryside
The roar of those ferocious soldiers?
They're coming right into your arms
To cut the throats of your sons, your women!

To arms, citizens!
Form your battalion!
Let's march! Let's march!
Let an impure blood
Water our furrows!

- Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, singing in the last shower in Raqqa

"AFP reports that, tonight, President François Hollande has ordered air strikes on Raqqa, the self-proclaimed capital of the so-called Islamic State. Coordinating with American military in the region, French Mirage jets bombed twenty pre-selected targets, including a training camp, an oil refinery, and a weapons cache. The number of civilian casualties has yet to be determined, but among the dead is presumed to be France's Socialist Party."

"In light of recent events, I propose Gerard Depardieu." - Putin to Obama at G20, on who will lead a transition to a post-Assad Syria

Moderator: Build a wall or kill them all?

Gov. Kasich: Denying refugees safe haven is a small price to pay for the illusion of safety.

Sen. Cruz: When will we acknowledge that Belgians do not come in peace?

Donald Trump: How did cowboys find their steer in the Old West? The brand. First you shear the sheep. Then you brand them.

Sen. Rubio: This man is precisely the sort of person my refugee parents were fleeing from. I don't agree that Muslims need to wear badges. It's simpler that that. We should just inject them all with that glowing fluid you get before you have a CAT scan.

Sen. Graham: I just hope that we don't blame any moderate rebels for this.

Ben Carson: It's not a commonly accepted fact, but people can fuck shrimp.

- the Milk Bathtub Debate with Carson Daly, Three Nipples, IA

“But, Mme. Le Pen, what is the difference between your brand of extremism and that of ISIS?”
"Excuse me? It's as great as the difference between being Michel Houllebecq's first wife and being his third."
- in L’Humanité

"There is this belief that perhaps our societies offer no opportunity for meaning, only consumption, but have any of these so-called jihadists ever fucked a pop star? Until then, can they really say the West has failed them?" - Sarkozy

“The horror of ISIS is the horror of state formation, of the primitive accumulation, as it were, of the state’s monopoly on violence. Or perhaps it’s more that ISIS are the neoliberal Bolsheviks, overleaping the intermediate stages of development and going straight for full nihilism, the telos of neoliberalism’s reduction of the state to a pure organ of coercion and extraction.” - Christopher Hitchens to Trotsky in Hell

“Zippity do dahhh! Zippity ayyyy! My oh my it's a wonderfulll dayyy!!!!”
- Walt Disney’s Song of the Levant

“The whole 'what lives aren’t mournable' critique doesn’t do it for me. It has no purchase on the total inhumanity of the state and capital. Hashtag, Nolivesmatter! We can't wish life into mattering when our reality, down to its finest grain, is built on and reproduced by it quantification, fungibility, exploitation, and control--even on the marshalling of obscene pleasure in the spectacle of life’s gratuitous destruction! And why would we want to—pretend life mattered—if 'mattering' was only ever purchased at the expense of those lives that didn’t? Life has lost its aura and there is no going back!” - Mark Ruffalo before the tranq dart sets in, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

"I know how you feel, buddy. I had a ticket, too." - Sepp Blatter to the severed hand of suicide bomber in Stade de France parking lot

“Words like 'trauma' and 'grief' have nothing to do with Television conducting millions of people to give a shit about the deaths of people they never knew or ever would have known. The media death parade and its mass synthesis of consensual affect are the very opposite of mourning. It is the annihilation of the particularity and finitude of the lives lost and of the only common sense way they might have ‘mattered’—to the people who actually knew and loved them.” - Brian Williams breaks into Rockefeller Center and tries on all the old Cosby Show sweaters

"C'est la guerre." - John Boehner, watching CNN after last call at a Cincinnati watering hole

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Great Turtlenecks in Culture

"Time for an update."
A shockwave of fear ripped across the room.
"Give me your fucking iPhones. All of you."
The terrified shareholders reverently placed the sacred objects upon the conference table. Black stones on a black altar.
"You can get the new model from HR," said Jobs, circling the table, hammer lolling in his hand.
One by one, he smashed the phones, like an undertaker driving so many nails into a great coffin.
He stopped.
"What. the fuck. is this."
"I--I--I haven't had a chance to update my plan yet--I meant to--I just--"
"Put your hand on the table."
"No--please!--No!--I swear!--I was going to--"