Thursday, December 14, 2017

The Last Star War

"I don't see how any of us can ever defend what we've done." - Rian Johnson

"All acting is voice acting." - Mark Hamill

"Certainly, it's an honor to write the first Star Wars theme song with lyrics." - Elvis Costello to Carson Daly

"Choke me daddy." - Hans Zimmer to John Williams

"It's like having a splash on a Sunday night innit, bruv?" - John Boyega on the Trilogy

"Whenever I go online and search for a film, I always add the word 'movie' at the end so there's no confusion about what I mean." - J.J. Abrams on his process

"I"m approaching Solo as a sort of next generation spin on my Andy Griffith years." - Ron Howard

"I didn't get into motion capture for cheap thrills." - Andy Serkis walks off the set

"It's a Sex Wars now." - George Lucas to a stunned Spielberg on the set of Bingo Player One

"Jar Jar is the key." - President Trump opening the Box

            Lucas Preps 'Popeye 2'

"Star Wars isn't just a movie and it isn't just a dream. It's the organizing future for another way of living, in a New Society." - Lawrence Kasdan penthouse expansion approved by Condo Association at New Presidio Tower B

"Love the starship, love the Empire." - Daisy Ridley on the USS Carl Vinson

"We in the military place a special honor on the freedom to fuck our assistants and deny the reality of History." - General David Petraeus, guest movie columnist, Stars and Stripes

"All activism is a product of Russian espionage." - Kathleen Kennedy vetoing another sex scene

"The Studio's original plan was to intentionally make a terrible but financially successful final installment for the end of the current Trilogy, in line with the Marin Plan we agreed to in 2014. What we didn't see coming, however, was the astonishing stake that His Royal Highness, Mohammed bin Salman, would claim on the Trilogy by investing with the Disney Company this year. With such progressive and reform-minded vision now in place for Star Wars, it was clear to me that my services were no longer necessary." - Colin Trevorrow

"Do you think it was a mistake to allow Prince William and Prince Harry to be stormtroopers in the new movie?"
"Not as big of a mistake as allowing Robert Mugabe to play Supreme Leader Snoke." - Rian Johnson and George Lucas playing 3D Monster Chess at the Delta Sky Lounge, SFO

                 Star Wars Episode IX: A Product of Xi Jinping Thought 

"A bit demeaning, isn't it?" - Michael Caine asked to play a great space worm

"Nervous prostration and brain congestion..." - diagnosis written on Harrison Ford's medical marijuana prescription

"Actually, Charlie, I'm afraid of horses." - George Lucas discounts the influence of Westerns, the last episode of Charlie Rose

"I'll show you the damn Force!" - Billy Dee Williams knocking over a plate of lox at a Disney Studio meeting, Brentwood

"There's nothing like being around money and power and athletes and babes and feeling no sexual desire! Nothing like it!" - The Rock high-fives J.J. Abrams while visiting the set

"What's that strange clock, Christian?"
"That's the special timer that will let me know when I have to be in a Star Wars movie."
- Christian Bale

"Jesus Christ." - Disney Studio Minder Erik Prince finally tracks down an escaped Mark Hamill gorging himself in a Drunkin' Donuts in Pawtucket

"If you're going to be a true villain you can't show any charisma." - James Cameron secretly trains Adam Driver on his state of the art submarine, The Bigelow

"It all seemed clever at the time, but in retrospect, I regret it: Girls was more than a bit flip about the tragic fate of Millenials, that doomed generation incapable of loving or being loved, whose every need and aspiration were structurally impossible to fulfill. The reality denialism of Star Wars is in a way much more honest." - Adam Driver

"Money, value—it's all meaningless to me. It's not real. The only currency that's real to me is the change I save for the next round of laundry."- Harrison Ford, pushing four shopping cards laden with trinkets

"Life never has less value than when ruled by value absolutely." - Slavoj Zizek as Star Wars alien Zizek Nazbol

"Everybody's just looking for a hill to die on." - mystic anarch/reclusive tech mogul Luke Skywalker

"Has there ever been a more concise expression of false consciousness, that is, of the current zeitgeist than the fantasy that you can be both Republic and Resistance?" - Joy Ann Reid

"The only thing flimsier than the infantile Manichaeism of the original trilogy is this George W. Bush/Christopher Nolan good is bad, bad is good, 'we have to be evil, our hands are tied' bullshit." - David Brooks ruins another one of his Millennial wife's parties

"Nothing compels obedience like spontaneous affection for the kawaii avatars of the Law." - an on-set marketing consult explains the Pongo or whatever the fuck that cute bird thing is

"The innovation of the original trilogy was that it figured out how to monetize world building: alien races were no longer, as in former sci-fi or fantasy, allegories for human characteristics or occasions for thought experiments, but tradable chits, already action figures even before they were conceived of. Even before the innovation of the Internet, George realized that virtual space is marketable space. He even paved the way for the Marvel MCU's strategy of exploiting political vagueness with a postmodern signifier salad of political allusions, e.g., the Rebels are Viet Cong but also somehow Leni Riefenstahl? It gives everyone, no matter what their political orientation something—or nothing—to walk away with. Since then we've had to innovate. What we're going for with the New Star Wars is a kind of unprecedented, hyperthin, n-th degree ouroboros of brand recycling that will make the mercenary pastiche of George's films look like fucking Shakespeare. It's not enough that you're literally looking at Luke Skywalker; we also have to load the movies with a bunch of Pavlovian cues to the audiences to tell them they're having fun: props from the original movies thrown into the background with no context, 'references' to minor characters and jargon to endlessly pick over. Nihilistic as it was, George's cannibalization of history at least took creativity to pull off, but that sort of imagination is precisely what must be cancelled forever. Nothing can be but what it is but must already be a reference to itself; nothing can ever be other than itself and must always return to the Same. Accelerate the self-referential loop to infinity and you abolish Time. There is no History, no Future: there is only the Forever Star War." - Kathleen Kennedy, forging the Eternal Brand with the anvil of the Eternal Return

"Any world but this." - Carrie Fisher

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Don't Look Now

"I love it when a status quo comes together." - Democracy

“Oh my God, it's 1968 all over again. They're booing! Don't you understand? They're booing!” - Neera Tanden

“Liberals are only good for emboldening the Left. People need rising expectations and then the frustration. Believe me, like anyone I wish the rev were as easy as voting for a white guy from Vermont.” - Fidel

“Hillary is evil, Trump is evil, and America has enough resources to kick the can down the road indefinitely. This is the real world that we live in.” - Brian Williams on an empty sound stage, the only place he can’t lie

“To be honest I think that causing thousands of young people to become disillusioned with democracy is the best thing I could have done.” - Bernie Sanders

Leaked DNC Voicemails Reveal 'Appalling Lack of Sexual Fulfillment'

"At midnight Hillary is going to turn off the Suppression Field for an hour!"
“I tell you, now that Republicans have dissolved into the one-issue white hysteria party, we may just become the Official Party of Capital rather than a mere branch of the Duality, and a digital sex orgy is not out of the question.”
- Joe Kennedy, Harry Reid

"Let's hear it for the Hillary Men!"
"Pass the cucumber water!"
“This is fucking Dad-topia!”
“I haven't been this happy since Windows 95 came out!”
- Terry McAuliffe, Huma Abedein, Tom Daschle, and Lincoln Chafee at the UberEATS Watch Party

"Man, it's going to be ugly when they find out I can't speak Spanish." - Tim Kaine

“We are going to wrap the world in plastic and preserve it as it has always been!” - Hillary Clinton

"I'm here tonight to overshadow DeBlasio and personally shame the giant." - Bloomberg

"Hillary will have to controul Bill. Sheel havtah controul the entourage, sheel havtah controul the Foundation, and she'll have to stop the President's secret war with Qatar ovah soccah." - James Carville
"What if we fuck right now?
What if we fucked right in the middle
Of this mothafuckin' dinner table?
What if we fucked at this vogue party?
Would we be the life of the whole Party?
Shut down the whole Party
Would everybody start fuckin'?
Would everybody start fuckin'?
Would everybody start fuckin'?
They don't want nothin'."
- Bernie's internal monologue at the DNC
“I was in the grocery store, and I heard the Zin whistle.” - Lodi Clinton warming up

“My favorite kind of shirts change colors in the sun.” - Radiant Clinton

"...and then Hillary said: 'We can do this! We can save the Earth!' And I beat the impeachment." - Billy Blythe, hittin’ stride

"I am that First Husband." - Clinton Triumphant

"The way Bill is talking about Hillary's achievements is incredible. More rapists need to talk about women like this." - Twitter

“Am I blind, or is America?” - Bill Cosby

“Hillary is your killer, folks.” - Obama

"Go on. Believe the beautiful lies of this handsome smiling man and condemn your children."
"Say what you want, the People still want to fuck Obama. So do you."
- Morrissey and Paul Krugman

“We're even now, you goddamn greasy hicks."
“Aren’t you wonderful?! You’re my favorite one now!”
- Obama and Clinton backstage

“Rivers of blood now, rivers of blood forever!” - Leon Panetta

“The only thing that draws me back from the event horizon of permanent despair is the hope that this mass demobilization campaign which we call an ‘election’ represents the last stand of two soon to be obsolete demographics: whites and baby boomers.” - Chelsea Clinton

"Balloons!" - Tim Kaine

Friday, July 22, 2016

Vote What You Know

"Mmmm, do you smell that? I believe that's some fresh toast. Right out of the toaster. Might be good with a side of butter and jam. I'm not one to rock the boat too much, usually just me and Mrs. Kaine and our old tabby cat. Hillary and I just want to keep you, your family, and your money safe. Things get better a little bit at a time. And the wrong people die far from our shores by the hands of our sacred allies—that's something we can all share in as Americans. Now, stick your right thumb in your butt and your left in this ole blueberry pie and give an ole rebel yell in a heritage kind of way."

Monday, July 18, 2016


"Let them ride karts!" - Princess Rania Peach

"Prior to former-Grand Vizier BOWSER taking power in a palace coup, the MUSHROOM KINGDOM was a white human minority-ruled apartheid state headed by an absentee monarch, THE MUSHROOM KING. Order and a facade of multiculturalism was previously maintained in the Kingdom through an alliance between the human ruling class and the market- and state bureaucracy-dominant toadstool minority, with the alliance secured by the mixed half-human, half-toadstool heritage of heir apparent, PRINCESS PEACH. Since taking power, BOWSER, now self-styled KING KOOPA, has refashioned himself as a Chavez-style populist strongman, and his regime enjoys support from a broad coalition of aggrieved populations, including the koopa, goomba, shy guy, boo, bro, cheep, chomp, thwomp, and others. The location of PRINCESS PEACH is unknown, but she is believed to be in a castle. It is the committee’s recommendation that MARIO MARIO, previously of SAO/WHINSEC, be selected for a solo infiltration mission. Regarding MARIO’s qualifications, see our previous report (0719-56) on his successful termination of DONKEY KONG, charismatic leader of a ‘war of liberation’ in the BANANA REPUBLIC." - excerpt, FOXHOUND Intelligence Report 0842-89: Viability of Intervention in Mushroom Kingdom § 0.1 OBJECT OF THE GAME/GAME DESCRIPTION

“Time is out of joint! We've got to reassemble the fucking Triforce!”
"But what if restoring Time in this dimension only put it out of joint in another dimension!"
"My reality is the only one that matters!"
- John McCain and David Frum stranded in the Libyan desert

"Those damn apes put on a tie or a ball cap and we pretend they're human, pretend they're our allies! Well...." - Luigi in hysterics before being slapped by Dr. Mario, the Hot Zone

"I'll knock any fucker out of the screen." - Donkey Kong on the clock

"I don't know where I end and the suit begins. I don't know when this started, or if it will ever end. I don't want to know. I only want to kill." - Samus

"So let me get this straight: you want to have the Super Smash Bros World Cup in fucking Desert Land?"
"We've prepared a series of air conditioned Mushroom Castles for the matches."
- Bill Clinton and King Koopa

“How can one fight what has no Form?!” - inscription found in the ruins of Dream Land

"Why serve when you can rule? If you only knew what Power was, Mario... Join me!"
"You can keep the Princess!"
Donkey Kong and Mario, throwing barrels off a skyscraper onto rush hour traffic

"How can you do this?"
"Anything is permissible in the name of the Princess.”
- Link before hookshotting a goblin family

"Every right arm a gun and every galaxy at peace." - Samus

“Cruel Mario rides upon the very bones of our brothers! Smother your koopalings before he gets here, there is no hope!” - Panic in World 3

Plumber Sought in Connection with Kart Hit-and-Run on Protesters

“He got ‘bout 100 feet out o' town before the Kirby got on em."
“That’s absurd, the Kirby is a myth!”
- Ness and Pokey encounter the Uncanny

"They say Mario is the bastard son of Mussolini's Jewess!" - rumor and fear take hold in Giant Land

"Isn't the Kirby pink?"
"Pink?! Does anyone know what color death really is?"
- Luigi, Link

"Let them live, but de-shell them all!" - Metal Mario

"Jesus, Link, how many damn potions have you had?"
"Not enough to forget."

"Save your breath. There is no God-mode here."
- Luigi and Mario in Minus World

"What is this? What are we?"
"We are a mote in God's eye, nothing more."
- David Frum and John McCain reassemble the Triforce and are surrounded by pure light, Temple of Time, Tripoli

"Princess Zelda, you killed the Mushroom ambassador!"
"That's right, Link—while I'm the Princess of Hyrule, I am also the leader of the Resistance."
"Oh man, fuck!"
- Link goes into DT's as Zelda reveals herself as some kind of Nordic ninja

“Listen to me when I tell you: Kirby is real. Kirby is shapeless shape and formless form, multiple without number, appetite without end. There is neither life nor death for Kirby, for Kirby is the world without us in all its daemonic and malevolent indifference. And Kirby is upon us.” - Wario, confined to an institution for the insane

"Virulent pandemic amid civil war is our brand." - Nintendo

"What sex are those fucking Yoshi’s anyway?"
"You know that, Toad, and you'll know everything."
- Tanuki Suit Mario winks knowingly before flying away

Monday, July 11, 2016

Exit Right, Pursued by a Bear

“Oi, I'll have the Brexit scramble a side of toast and runny beans and the mud coffee, mum!”

"Fuck the moon, you say? Where do I sign up!" - Boris Johnson turns it around

“Intoxicating—a killer recumbent with satisfaction, high on violence, drunk on flesh, the calories of another creature coursing through its veins...”
“There’s a way to communicate with them you know—they have a kind of feel for dominance and malevolent power. You have to slowly blink your eyes at them: it's the symbol of calm and submission.”
- the Camerons discuss Larry, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office

"I rejected unions communism and the left and now have no means to articulate why my life is getting worse! Tear it all down!" - the much talked about White Working Class

“I am literally Jabba the Hut!” - Roger Ailes jerking off in the Mango Room

"I meet women at airports whenever I want, bud." - Bill Clinton to Jeffrey Toobin on Loretta Lynch

“So, what the fuck do you ‘G-Men’ want?” - HRC hungover but steady, FBI Headquarters

"And every day we’ll have crisps for dinner!" - Michael Gove

"There's not enough cranberry sauce in this county to keep the bull off your ass." - George Osborne on the fiscal impact

"Certain types worship the asp." - Prince George’s first words

"I am the Future and the Past. I am the lassitude of the Popular Will and the Immovable Majority. I am the man who sits at the poker table for hours saying again and again and again, 'Check.'" - Jeremy Corbyn

"The Corgis, of course—they must be buried with me." - HM

"Prince William Described as 'Utterly, Completely Hairless' by Duchess of Cambridge" 

“Those cucks have had it too good for too long!” - Rupert Murdoch to Jerry Hall on no one in particular

"Prince Harry to Convert to Catholicism: Queen 'Apoplectic'"
- Daily Mail

"Among the great victories...." - HRC on a mountain of Damned

“I think that is absolutely essential and we should definitely address it later. I am absolutely listening to what you have to say, David.”
- Obama interrupts Cameron at the NATO Summit, Hyatt Regency Warsaw

“Are we not all of Norman blood?” - Marine Le Pen

"Pat, how did you get on the series finale of Game of Thrones?"
"J'ai gros crouer. Nanan took me down to the Magazin. Inside a man say to me: ‘He's got the gumbo.’ Then we made the veiller."
- Game of Thrones moves production to Louisiana post-Brexit

"’Hi, I'm California Historian Mark Davis and this is a car jacking,’ he said, and then he threw a copy of City of Quartz at me and the next thing I knew I was on the street and my Acura was gone." - Jerry Brown

“...and it truly was a Magical Mystery Tour.” - Tony Blair, excerpt from end of autobiography

“Alright time to get out there and hate like a mountain! Smash it like taffy until someone calls the police! Playing those music videos for hours...” - Trump with Nigel Farage at his Highland Golf Course, McTaggerty’s Randy Green on the Loch

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Southern Nihilist Watches that Evenin' Political Sun Go Down

"I say, I say: The best thing about bein' a Southern Nihilist is the company! Haw haw haw!" - the Southern Nihilist, Cherokee Country Club, Knoxville, TN

"This lemonade is wonderfully relaxing, I sure am glad to get back to some good clean country living after all those sweaty days in town."
"That's moonshine."
- Al Gore on the old farm

"Look, like Poppy says, sometimes the Great Eye falls on you, sometimes it falls on the Demon, and once such a beast stalks the land, you have to tend to your soul, your precious own soul." - Jeb, Bush Compound, Kennebunkport, ME

"Great apes all of y'all!" - Southern Nihilist flies from joy into an alcoholic rage and accosts everyone at the Homecoming Game at State

"Does Hillary Clinton want to govern as a man or as a bitch?"
- Maureen Dowd does what she does

"Well, I may be old fashioned but I think government service is like a fine cup of strong black coffee. Leadership has to be more than just cream." - Robert Gates in a white sweater petting a tabby cat, Kennebunkport

"No, it's not like that, I just take molly to fuck." - Ted Cruz assures his wife he's faithful

"Well, for one, since I started a vegan diet, I've been way less handsy overall with ladies." - Clinton contradicts Southern Nihilist on whether people can change

"You see this windbreaker? Come to Vermont sometime, I'll fucking kill you." - Bernie Sanders to a 15-year-old boy who smirked during his speech in Bull Piss, Iowa

“Sometimes I just feel like my whole life is that scene in The Bicycle Thief. You know, where they go to the restaurant to find some simple happiness and respite but then can only afford appetizers. I mean, Jesus.” - Martin O’Malley, Succulent, Iowa
“Tall cans of beer!” - the Southern Nihilist cancels his scholarship with Tech and dies years later having never left his small town

"My friends and family all think I'm a great guy."
“Not your Mom though."
- Jeb with Ralph Reed, Kennebunkport

"Legal opinions used to be occult masterpieces, but now it's just weaselly scratching." - Professor Southern Nihilist, Duke University School of Law

"¡Un monstruo! ¡Yo soy un monstruo!" - a gust of wind reveals Marco Rubio's comb over

"Since I became a grandmother I'm not in favor of black steel assassinations anymore, I prefer that terror suspects be blindfolded and thrown out of helicopters hovering five feet off the ground." - Hillary in Kiss of Wool, NH

“It burns!” - Tom Brady uses the Bush compound jacuzzi after curfew hours

"We'll see who's laughing when I have my medical license." - Obama makes a crazy fucking bet with Rand Paul over blue margaritas

"I brought a big ol bag of potato chips on the plane! Pass 'em around!" - the Southern Nihilist flies coach for the People

“The wealth gap is a big deal but the reality gap may never be bridged, definitely not dammed.” - the Seven-Eyed Lion-Lamb of the Apocalypse

"Our party platform is disintegration and social war!" - Federation of Republican Cab Drivers and Livery Men

"What killed these whites, doctor?"
"Over saturation of the Ideal. Death by Image. It's rare to see it so concentrated."
- Obama consulting with Dr. Sanjay Gupta

"Meet me at #fullcommunism!" - the bandito Paul Krugman parts ways with you at the Pass to draw enemy fire and live on in legend

"I just can't take being white anymore!” - comes apart in the wind like a daffodil Oregon poverty

"A Deep State at war with itself? Get the fuck out of here—but before you do, have a butterscotch candy." - Biden's meeting with George H.W. Bush goes nowhere fast, Kennebunkport

"Haw haw! Okay okay...would you rather be surgeon general, win an Olympic gold medal, or win one of those scratch lottery cards where you get to play again for free?" - the Southern Nihilist eating catfish with Bill Clinton

“It’s not a question of what’s best for the people, but of what people are best—what sort of subjects are produced by and thrive within what sort of societies. Now, the sort of atomized, mutilated pseudo-objects liberal society calls ‘people’ are hardly the kind you can build communism with. But those are the facts on the ground. So what’s the solution? One the one hand, you could kill them all. On the other hand: if the people clamor for popular dictatorship, who are we to deny them?”
- Donald Trump

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Planned Parenthood

"Priscilla and I believe this money will be best put to use in more permissive tax structures." - Mark Zuckerberg, The Spawn Contract

“TFW #bae is #jihad and #jihad is #bae.” - the last Tweet

“A devastating terror attack against people the assailants knew personally! If you know or work with a terrorist, they could kill you!” - the media

"Attack health workers because they are vulnerable but dispensable." - Hick Command on the Medical Abyss

“California hicks are less slackjawed but also less… there.” - Kevin Costner, expert testimony

“Woah, wait, so is this a disgruntled employee, unhinged loser, or Islamicist mass murder? It's as if they are all but variations on the same mutilated life...” - Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Lonely Plastic Room

“Mass shootings are the American call to prayer.” - Tariq Ramadan explains America to Narendra Modi

“Britain is going to war, because everyone else is!” - David Cameron, post-Raqqa airstrike pig-fucking reception

“‘Is it terrorism?’ Even ask this insipid question is to surrender your intellectual integrity and become thing-like. Is it terrorism? Or am I something other than a buoy bobbing up and down on a sea of discourse vomited out by Power?” - Mark Ruffalo, moments before the black hood on Conan

“It’s said that 2,400 people died in the Hajj stampede this September. What are the anemic pleasures of secular Western consumerism compared to such sublime frenzy?”
“I’m sorry, my friend: My understanding is that most people who die in a stampede don't die from trampling but rather suffocate from the press of people while still standing. This is but liberal individualism.”
- FIFA, House of Saud

"I control the channels of the self." - Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, excerpt from trust agreement

"My life was wrecked upon the shores of lassitude long ago, and the waves of time have carried away all that was once left to salvage." - Al Gore

“The sunshine is a fucking lie, this whole world is cloaked in darkness.” - Oscar Pistorious

"America is doomed."
"America is doom."
- Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Hot Rock Sauna Spa, Dirtteeth, NH

"Let's be honest for a second: Who hasn't wanted to shoot up their workplace? It's a natural enough urge. From a very young age--around the time your parents start putting you in time out--humans learn to cope with stress via compensatory fantasies of empowering violence. But what does it tell you about workplaces that, with them, so many grown adults are actually living the dream?" - Zuck wows the House hearing room in a dramatic speech and gets all the H1B visas he can eat

“With the Starfucker Base, we can fuck a whole star system!” - Adam Driver as Star Bad to Oscar Isaac as Godfather II-era Michael Corleone in The Last Bauble