Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Lance Will Fuck Again

"Why did you do it, Lance?"
"Because I'm the best."

"Justice or death!" - Sheryl Crow

"We'll have to see what he says, then the Agency can decide the appropriate action."
"What does he do till then?"
"What can anyone ever do? Jerk off into your hand and laugh and jizz and scream, delaying the inevitable."
- U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Press Conference

"Oprah, I'll basically fuck anything that has 'Rx' written on it." - Lance

"I went into it thinking he was Nixon, but now I see he's like Marie Curie." - Oprah

"Go, Lance, go! It's all a lie! I love the fucking denial. God, people are fucking sheep! Everything that is actually good is a fucking miracle." - the Editors cheering Lance on one of his post-admission Iron Man competitions

"The great man inspires the common man, and in return he gets the adoration he deserves: It was all to good to be true. I can't believe I ever believed in him." - Barack Obama

"To Love Is To Serve" - inscription, in Serbian, on a statue of Lance atop Đeravica, Kosovo

"And I almost had him play Lincoln...." - Steven Spielberg takes a long, hard look in the mirror

"There comes a point in every woman's life when she has to say, 'Enough is enough.' For me, that time is now. From this day on, I will no longer address allegations that I am a lesbian." - Jodie Foster

"The Truth doesn't matter as long as Love is real." - Lennay Kekua

"Fuck no. What? I mean what the hell is that?" - Warren Beatty, asked if Lance is his son

"I don't feel any sympathy for Lance. No one ever liked me in the first place." - Barry Bonds

"...but true fans of sport know that the most heartbreaking doping scandal of the times was not Lance but Marion Jones, for whom so much more was at stake." - Mitt Romney to a broken television, Tora Bora

"We've reached the limits of what the human body can do, and it's time to put that era behind us. The USADA is a reactionary institution. It has no vision, and it cannot last. The future of athletics lies beyond doping, beyond body mods, to a world of liquid metal, cybernetic intelligence,  molten capital, and coltan skies..." - Roger Clemens

"Lance Armstrong's body is the triumph of science over the human spirit." - Predator Drone XVU998

"What I can't stop thinking about is his penis. Between his big, lanky features and the emasculating effects of doping, I can't figure out what it would look like, how it would move. I imagine it like a long, hairy elbow." - Bill Clinton

"It's not so bad playing the wanker, Lance. The birds won't have you neither, but who needs their lot when it's paid for?" - Sean Bean consoles Lance at Scores, Sheffield

"There are still a lot of women who want to sleep with Lance Armstrong, but the sex is a whole lot sadder." - Lance

"Who uses a drug to win a competition?" - William S. Burroughs to Truman Capote in Hell

"There's nothing I'd like more than to feel sorry, but I don't. The truth is, you have only yourselves to blame." - Lance

"See how those dirt thistles fly in the wind, Young Rider? We used to fly so free. Yet a man is only truly free when he turns his back on the world, and the world turns its back on him. This is our time for learning. Our earthly disgrace is only the first round in the Battle for History. Sexy lips."
"Excuse me?"
- George W. Bush and Lance, out for a soulful ride in Burnt Chapel Creek, TX

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