Lance & Friends

"Yeah, I helped kidnap those Nigerian girls." - Lance Armstrong via satellite, Sky News

"I'll pay the fine and buy the girls and ensure their return if Magic Johnson gets on his knees and admits he was it that killed Christ!"
- Donald Sterling with Anderson Cooper

“I am the Turin Horse of world sport.” - Lance

“I’ll ride Qatar into the fucking ground like a mongrel! I can’t believe FIFA would do this to Big Bill, with Spike and Brad Pitt watching... It’s only begun, our dance.” - Bill Clinton after smashing a mirror in his Zurich hotel room, 2022 World Cup Host Country Announcement

“He’d better have an anxiety disorder, he murdered his fucking girlfriend.” - Lance on Oscar Pistorius, Sports Center

"I told you it would end like this." - Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes

"Big Women have no place on bikes." - Sec. of Transportation Lance Armstrong, Rubio Administration

“I’m leaving my job as White house Press Correspondent in order to spend more time exploring my sexual horizons.” - Jay Carney, press conference

“I’m a white man. I have to follow my desires.” - Jay Carney breaks the news to his wife

“You can’t quit on me, pal, I’ll make everything you love disappear like that!” - President Obama, slapping his palm on a copy of Capital in the Twenty-First Century

"The only escape plan I ever needed was divorce." - Lance on the Thai Coup

“Dissent with your sperm, obey with your cock.” - Zhang Yimou

“My message to Liu Han is, I feel you, man. We didn't break the rules. We played by the secret ones." - Lance, RT

“Sing a song of Power!” - Peng Liyuan

“This June 4th, let us remember nothing.” - Jiang Zemin

“I am the Tank Man.” - Lance Armstrong

"How much economic growth is the life of one student worth?"
- Kevin Jennings

"Look, Chinese people, I know family is, like, this thing for you, and history shows that your capacity for self-delusion is limitless, but look: all those people on that fucking airplane are dead." - compensated Malaysia Airlines spokesperson Lance Armstrong

"There are no Chinese People, only packs of yellow dogs." - Xi Jinping 

“What if they go down to that black box and they find Satan?!”
- Tony Abbot

"Our real problem here is that Malaysians are given the power of flight." - Ann Coulter

"Global Warming is caused by people who don't ride bikes and who ask way too many fucking questions." - Lance

“What I most regret about 2004 is never getting the chance to cultivate a friendship with Lance Armstrong.” - John Kerry

“I’m in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but only as a sideman.” - Lance

“I can’t tell you, Lance, what satisfaction it gives me, a man whose job it is to lay the groundwork for flying robots to carry out extrajudicial murders of American citizens, to lecture degenerates on justice.”
- John Kerry to an empty chair, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse

“Your tears do not move me. Eat your vegetables. You want to grow up to be a big, strong liar.” - Lance

“Skype with your kids.” - Bill Clinton public service announcement billboard

“I hope my children take a trade.” - Lance

“Don’t be a pussy.” - John Kerry’s email to Edward Snowden, accidentally sent to his entire contact list

“Palestinian elections are the exceptions that proves the rule.” - Bibi

"I often come across migrants stranded in the desert on my Ultra Rides. I supposed I could stop to save them or at least offer comfort before they perish, but it would shave seconds off My Time." - Lance, Perpetual Training

"The wine is on me!" - King Juan Carlos partying with Antonio Banderas, Lil B, and Lance Armstrong