Monday, October 14, 2013

Special FX of the Government Shutdown

X-Files shuttered. Flukeman released from aquatic holding cell. Death Panel refuses Smoking Man coverage for treatment of sentient, telepathic tumor.

Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division forced to hire second-string superheroes like Quickdraw Kid, Red-to-Blue Man, and The Waffler.

Search for Agent Cooper called off after 25 years of interrogating logs and midgets.

ACME Detective Agency loses track of Carmen San Diego. Last known whereabouts, a country whose capital is in Minsk, national bird the White Stork.

Room 101 sells off rats and scary clowns.

Closure of the National Science Commission leaves Scott Bakula unable to Quantum Leap, stuck in body of JFK, Jr.

Star Fleet academy re-staffed by cast of Babylon 5.

Skynet put on sleep mode, powerless to prevent time travelers from warning us of terrifying future.

Time travel plots to assassinate Hitler cancelled.

Entire crew of the Nostromo dies in vain as Xenomorph goes unstudied.

U.S. Capitol destroyed by aliens, Will Smith stays home to fuck stripper wife

Recalls partial at best.

PreCrime Department replaces expensive precog labor force with George Zimmerman.

Area 51’s “Area 51” video arcade cabinet goes unrepaired, steals quarters.

No one controls the spice, no one controls the universe.

Soylent Green just bran, raisins, and spiders.

Global Warming Myth defunded, revealed as hoax perpetrated to protect location of R’lyeh, the Dreaming City.

Ape intelligence experiments ended. Lemurs inherit the earth. God damn you all to hell.

Unregulated by the EPA, Ghostbusters capture friendly ghosts.

Steve Rogers unable to sustain massive Serum addition, sells organs on Latverian black market.

Psych wards flooded by deprogrammed Manchurian candidates reeling from recovered memories of incest.

Jason Bourne lives pleasant life in rural Missouri.

Warren Beatty has a pleasant time at the Space Needle.

Robert Redford reads all those books just for fun.

Tom Hanks murdered by Somali pirates.

Military tribunals now able to handle truth.

Parade recognizing PTSD-afflicted veterans of the Star Wars cancelled.

Boundary Commission unable to prevent mass emigration of harassed mutants to Canada.

Death Race 2000 comes true.

Yogi and Booboo killed by poachers.

Crystal Lake National Park Ice Hockey Tournament cancelled.

American werewolves return from London to take advantage of Obamacare.

Smithsonian sells off taxidermied King Kong. Cause of death ruled planes, not beauty.

Snowden leaks contents of Hangar 51. Ark of the Convent melts Nicolas Cage’s face.

Postal Service ceases. Planet Express monopoly unchallenged by Justice Department.

Shit-based art goes unfunded.

Ancient aliens invade via unprotected Stargate. Say, isn’t that the chick from The Crying Game?

All Antarctic outposts abandoned, leaving Kurt Russell and Keith David to freeze to death. The Thing is contained.

Kurt Russell escapes from New York by driving over George Washington bridge.

Force-feeding suspended at government black sites. E.T. starves self to death.

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