Dispatches from Doom, IA

"To each her own path to Power, so long as bloody Terror result!"
- Sarah Clytemnestra Palin

"Now that I've joined the field, we can reliably say that, statistically speaking, at least one of the Republican hopefuls is gay." - Rick Parry

Mitt Romney Asked to Leave Holiday Inn Hot Tub

"I think I lost my headache." - Michele Bachmann, skin shriveling away to reveal a throng of snakes

Playing Lute: Tim Polenta Spied Leaving Ames Followed by 400 Missing Children

"Be still my heart, this is a sight not meant for the eyes of civilized men." - Chris Wallace taken to the Gold Chamber, Ron Paul Farms

Rand Paul Moves to Replace Elections with Trial by Ordeal

"I swear to God that raccoon had clothes on!" - Rick Santorum, emerging from woods

Little Caesar Crosses Mississippi River, Herman Cain Declares War

"I can't eat an ear of buttered corn, it reminds me too much of Little Newt!" - the Gin Ginch

"Chinese gangsters!" - Jon Huntsman, gunned down at Henry Kissinger's Hot Chile Contest