"God doesn't care if you're sorry." - Joseph Ratzinger abolishing confession
"In every choice there is a thousand murders." - Sandra Fluke looking back and forth between small bottles of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels in a Charlotte Grand Hyatt mini-fridge
"For any function, the derivative of every peak or nadir is zero, which, applied to life, means that there are any number of times when you are literally going nowhere. You could just get off then and kill yourself at no loss to yourself or to the world." - Malcolm Gladwell, TED Talks, Hell
"They say that when you get older, you stop caring about living life to its fullest and are simply glad to be alive, but that's always the way it's been for me." - Robert Pattinson
"God, you're right, the mid 20's are total shit. We're socially redundant, over-educated, under-skilled, overgrown children. We're fucked in a more complex and comfortable way than the poor, but whereas the poor have at least always known they were fucked, we're only discovering this now." - James Franco
"Laundry is the brunch of chores."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I'm drunk."
- John Boehner, Mitch McConnell
"Am I going to die right here?" - Rand Paul in line at the post office
"All this stupid fucking small talk. It's all about sex. A discomfort swells up in your disgusting, animal body, and the only way to relieve it is to fuck. Otherwise, you wouldn't have anything to say to anyone. So be shameless. You're an animal. Treat yourself like one."- Friday Night
"There's no right way to talk to a woman." - Charlie Rose
"People see me in my jeans, and they notice. Can you fucking handle that?" - postcard from Mitt that caused his first breakup with Ann, Bloomfield Hills, MI, 1965
"I'm sorry I spooked you. It was just so weird." - Jimmy Carter after taking off his Jimmy Carter mask while making love to Paul Ryan in Jimmy Carter mask
"Women's bodies belong to society." - Christine O'Donnell in beak mask
"I saw an Ancient Sex God rise from the sea and fuck a mountain..." - Marc Leder
"I don't get it, how does it work? Like, do fat people get off eating together?" - Naomi Wolfe
"There is no substitute for love in this life. And if you haven't got love, what have you got?" - Vladimir Putin, photo-op
"People talk about a woman's beauty 'fading,' but beauty is the fade, the incandescent flash of youth being burned up. Beauty is Time realized as self-destruction." - Lindsay Lohan
"When your face finally goes, it's fucking over." - Joan Rivers
"I look at a woman like you and all I see is wreckage." - Charlie Rose to Nicole Kidman
"Look at this. This isn't like the economy. This can't be fixed. This is irreversible." - Paul Krugman to his naked body in a mirror
"You must at least find it reassuring to look at me."
"Why?"
"Because even if you're not beautiful, you know that beauty is possible."
"Your beauty is hideous."
"All beauty is hideous."
- Megyn Kelly, James Carville
"One of the greatest lies perpetrated by stories, especially cinema (for it is a lie best illustrated through the gaze), is that the person you love from afar will one day return your love. This is a lie because the very fact that you love from afar already means that you have not and will not ever act on your love, that your love will never be returned, that, in truth, you do not want it to be." - Jennifer Love Hewitt
"The experience of walking down a city sidewalk is utterly transformed by prolonged sexual deprivation. You have to work constantly to repress the sexual criminal inside you. It's one of the most stressful parts of never getting laid." - a scientist
"That's it, I'm converting to Islam, anything to give meaning to my involuntary chastity and compulsion to protest." - The Editor
"Man, I haven't gotten laid in two and a half years. Do you have any idea what that does to you? It's so bad, there are works of art about it. (See Le Rayon vert, dir. Eric Roehmer, 1986. Whatever, by Michel Houellebecq, 1994.) Aside from making you generally depressed, irritable, hateful, and self-loathing, it puts you in the triple bind of (1) making you need, more than anything in this world, to get laid, (2) being so terrified of sex and so out of practice in the game of seduction that you neither want to nor would be capable of having sex, unless some truly powerful and exceptional emotion, namely love, were at play, but it won't be because (3) you're so physically and emotionally distressed all the time that you are incapable of romantic chemistry, much less real, human intimacy. And, I mean, probably the ugliest part of it all having to accept that, unless you are really some exceptional freak, this is probably just a phase, it will come to an end: you will get laid, it won't be pleasant, you won't get anything out of it, and you'll no longer be entitled to the sense of superiority that your sexual isolation afforded you." - Oliver Platt, the Drought Diary
"I would fuck anything right now." - Bill Clinton sleeplessly watching Real Housewives reruns
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