Monday, January 23, 2012

Creek List

"Well I'm glad you asked, Sean, because I've thought of a few things I want to do. Like they say, the only way out of the Army is to get it torn off in an accident. I love my wife Anne, but I need some time outside from her polite society. I want to race Richard Branson around the Ring of Fire; find Fraggle Rock; climb Fuck Mountain; restore Niggerhead; dig up that old necklace made of human ears by the barn; pursue horsewhispering; return to rock painting; take down Ray Kurzweil at TED Talks; go riverboat gambling with Charlie Rose; forum hop with Occupy; re-enact the ‘beer summit’ with Jeffrey Wright as Henry Louis Gates Jr., Marky Mark as the cop, Fred Williamson as Barack Obama, and me as Joe Biden; seduce John Edwards and rewrite his will; read Proust; translate Catullus; finish my historical novel about Dr. William Brydon CB and the Massacre of Elphinstone's Army; direct a clumsy but, you have to admit, painfully accurate independent feature about first love and premier it at Sundance; work with big name puppets on a policy level; serve as elder statesmen for Hot Damn! Texas Hot Sauce as they expand into emerging Asian markets; do the natural gas; land a semi-regular gig as guest chef at David Chang restaurants; mentor Thai pop star Saranrat 'Lydia' Wisutthithada; have a nice soup dinner with Marianne Gingrich; get into British television; tell Stephen Sackur to fuck himself on Hard Talk; visit the West Bank; wake up at 3a.m., take a long, barefoot walk out in the cool, night air, gaze at the moonlit fields around me and the stars in the blue-black sky above, and feel truly free for the first time in my adult life; run for vice-president..."

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