Monday, January 16, 2012

Huntsmania Wins Baidu Grand Prix

Champion Roughed Up By Shanghai Triad At Summerville Taffy Pull

"He's the pseudo-regressive this broken Nation demands!"
- Mayor Michael Bloomberg after a mimosa, Au Boin Pain

"I will bring unity back to rock 'n' roll." - Jon Huntsman's promising start in Sealblack, NH

"Not with all the jade in the world." - Jon Huntsman privately to George Clooney on his prospects

"Goddamnit, this tastes great!" - a despondent Jon Huntsman drinking Coke for the first time

"Yeah I lived in China and I speak their mad tongue. I'm not here for the money okay kids, I'm goddam rich. When I dropped out of high school to play 'boards in Wizard my dad just chuckled, 'Now you'll be president for sure you, jackass.' Unity and strong rope built this country. I'm here because I want it all and I'll take it by force of my love. The people are lucky to have me." - Jon Huntsman, Telemundo Debate, November 2011

"That money is filthy and foreign, Jon, how can you take it?"
"We've just got to get those commercials on the seacoast, sometimes you need the jelly, Rich."
- The Candidate to Meghan McCain, Daily Beast Work Party

"My question is how do we know, with you having worked for the White House, whether they don't control your brain with some sort of switch."
"Only I can flip the switch."
- Huntsman's quick riposte to Willard Romney to much applause, ABC News/Google/CCP Debate, Concord, NH

"In the future, even We of the True Faith will come up short."
- LDS Church Father Parley P. Pratt, 1856

"So I said to the minister, '草坭马!'"
"Ha ha, that really is rich."
"And the minister said to me, '肏你妈的!'"
"You can't be serious."
"He did, Charlie, he did. To which I... What was that?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That sound. Did you hear that?"
"No, what was it?"
"...Nothing... It was nothing. Anyways, I said to the minister, '操你--There it was again! What the fuck was that, Charlie?!"
"Governor, it was nothing."
"Goddamnit, you told me--"
"I told you, Governor, that nothing could make its way into the Black, didn't I? We're totally alone here."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely. ... You were saying."
"Right... I was saying..."
"About the minister..."
"Right, about the minister. So I said to the minister, '操你八辈子祖--CHINESE GANGSTERS!!!'
- Jon Huntsman gunned down on Charlie Rose

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