Creek List

"Well I'm glad you asked, Sean, because I've thought of a few things I want to do. Like they say, the only way out of the Army is to get it torn off in an accident. I love my wife Anne, but I need some time outside from her polite society. I want to race Richard Branson around the Ring of Fire; find Fraggle Rock; climb Fuck Mountain; restore Niggerhead; dig up that old necklace made of human ears by the barn; pursue horsewhispering; return to rock painting; take down Ray Kurzweil at TED Talks; go riverboat gambling with Charlie Rose; forum hop with Occupy; re-enact the ‘beer summit’ with Jeffrey Wright as Henry Louis Gates Jr., Marky Mark as the cop, Fred Williamson as Barack Obama, and me as Joe Biden; seduce John Edwards and rewrite his will; read Proust; translate Catullus; finish my historical novel about Dr. William Brydon CB and the Massacre of Elphinstone's Army; direct a clumsy but, you have to admit, painfully accurate independent feature about first love and premier it at Sundance; work with big name puppets on a policy level; serve as elder statesmen for Hot Damn! Texas Hot Sauce as they expand into emerging Asian markets; do the natural gas; land a semi-regular gig as guest chef at David Chang restaurants; mentor Thai pop star Saranrat 'Lydia' Wisutthithada; have a nice soup dinner with Marianne Gingrich; get into British television; tell Stephen Sackur to fuck himself on Hard Talk; visit the West Bank; wake up at 3a.m., take a long, barefoot walk out in the cool, night air, gaze at the moonlit fields around me and the stars in the blue-black sky above, and feel truly free for the first time in my adult life; run for vice-president..."

South Carolina Piedmont Massacre

"I have swam your beaches and fucked your daughters and drunk your iced tea. South Carolina, you're welcome." - Newt Gin Ginch

“This is the only job I’ve ever had and I hate it.” – Willard Romney privately to George Stephanopolous on running for president

“I’ll be candid: I get far more pleasure out of denying others than gratifying myself.” – the Ginch

"You're a damn shit peddler and everyone can see it." - Willard Romney to the Historian at the Ft. Sumter/BP Debate

“It’s been incredibly stimulating.” – Callista Ginch on the effect of the campaign on her sex life

"Put that sun oil on your back, Sweet Callista, tonight we ride to victory." - the Ginch

“Yeah, those were some heady times.” – Biggerhead Penis Enlargement spokesperson Rick Parry, 2027

"Well then, bring me your wife!" - Newt Gingrich to John King, CNN/Beer Light Debate

“No, I don’t own an iPhone, I accept the limits of human understanding and display humility before my God.” – Rick Santorum asked to look up the only country without an active volcano on Trivia Night at Margaritaville, Myrtle Beach, SC

"The problem with sex on the beach is sand gets everywhere, you people should really do something about that." - Ginch explaining his new jobs program for blacks

“I’ll be the hick and you’ll be the egghead, it will be like Bushy and Turdblossom but in reverse.” – Parry fishing for an invitation to the Ginch administration

"Don't help me! I can do it myself!" - Ginch from toilet to Callista, Holiday Inn, Tampa, FL

"Two Catholics and a Morman, we have become the party of Mammon." -Billy Graham Jr., Bitchup's Grin, Missouri

This I play
Thinking of days
Well gone by.
-Rick Perry, ukulele in hand by Piss Creek

"When they write this time in History, let them say that I wanted to end it all the quickest." - Rep. Dr. Ron Paul

In Vestro Este Morte

'I knew the risks of conceiving in the sweater-vest, and I swelled with intoxicating lust' R.S. on the Vest-Stillbirth Corollary, Harvard Journal of Psychology

'There is no light in winter. There is no summer in Pennsylvania.' Turgid Romney on A Vested Interest: Musings on the Power of the Dead-Child Army

'Pooie. Damn fuzz. Always muckin' up a good soup. Why. Damn, just why.' Rick Perry, set of Film Socialisme, January 2012.

'Juliet. juliet. This--no look here, Look--this is your brother, Polyester-Lycra-Cotton Santorum. Christ re-purposes us through grief; guilt. I brought you here to show you the power of truest love; my wonderful love for your younger brother. And your absen--NO! stay outside the circle.' Sacred Realm, basement of Santorum compound, the day had no date.

'My campaign? Really? Already? Mm. This vest shows it loves me deeper than imaginable. Whew! Warm right now. Warm with God's love.' Santorum, February 8, 2012, Occupy Auckland.

__________________________( )

The Pole of Inaccessibility

"Forget it, dude. She's in the service industry." - your friend on why you'll never sleep with the barista

"I dreamt of a higher wall, one beyond that which encircles Town! The Seer said that it was but a wall of the mind, a false creation proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain, but I am certain it was real! O concrete mother! O iron womb! Crush me with your opaque embrace! " - Gabriel Santorum

"Dip your strong, stubby fingers in my back and swirl me around like pudding." - Joe Lieberman to Mitch McConnell, Dupont Circle Baths

Q: What if Chuck Palahniuk were a French intellectual?
A: Michel Houellebecq

"You're a brute."
"Women love brutes."
"Women are disgusting."
- Richard Dawkins, a footballer

"I'm so existentially horny!" - Justice John Paul Stevens

"You've got to fuck like the Conqueror, the Actor, or the Actuary." - the Ginch

"Maybe together we could be less lonely."
"I'm afraid loneliness isn't like that. Loneliness is absolute, inviolable. And it lasts forever."
- 1st chair French hornist of the Whitehall Memorial Highschool Band to Callista Gingrich, 1980

"I don't know if I can accept this, it seems like the same old Fuck. We need a new kind of Fucking."
"Damn it, Roosevelt, you're mad!"

"Sandbagged by fear, muscles clench like boa constrictors, electric eels, or his whole contents go spilling out in a black puddle on the concrete floor. He wants to sing but his heart is caught in his throat, the whole instrument stiff with mute vibration. And if it did dislodge, what would come out? The words of a talking animal. Feelings of the kind one can never take back. An invitation for airstrike. So he keeps his trap shut, and a lifetime of regret flashes before his eyes. Just do it, you coward. Hable con ella. Fuck forever and never die." - Rick Parry, In Praise of Fuck

"The sun sets. Nothing can stop it." - Capt. Francesco Schettino

"Just break up already." - a drunk Barack Obama to his entire e-mail contacts list

American Graffiti

"This movie will do for black men what War Horse did for horses!" - George Lucas

"This makes Munich look like ET, you always bring it, man." - Steven Spielberg, interrupting an important game of Starcraft 2 to praise the Maestro

"I pitched it as Treme in the skies of World War II. Obviously we didn't do that." - Anthony Hemingway

"Are you fucking kidding me?" - Samuel L. Jackson, asked if he'd like to star and direct

"I can't decide whether to feel bad for refusing to pay for this retarded, overbudget piece of shit because I didn't believe that a movie with an all black cast would get any play overseas, or whether to feel good for refusing to pay for this retarded, overbudget piece of shit because it's a retarded, overbudget piece of shit." - Harvey Weinstein

"With this movie, I'm returning to the formula that made Empire and Jedi so successful: just paying for everything and taking all the credit without even showing up on set." - George Lucas

"I mean, gosh, sure, I appreciate the gesture." - Harry Belafonte embarrassed and confused as to why George Lucas has so ardently solicited his opinion

Tuskeegee Airman Grounded for NYPD Stop and Frisk

"Eh, you know." - Lawrence Fishburne from on top of Cash Mountain

"I just want to play roles in stuff that's near fire." - Bryan Cranston

"I am Cuba Gooding, Jr.!" - a jar of peanut butter

"I have truly been outclassed." - Will Smith

"A whole generation of black children are growing up listening to me, with Barack Obama as their president, thinking, at least for a while, that they have already overcome. And this is their movie." - Kanye West

"...and Bryan Crantson gives a great turn as a racist, Hispanic major who--"
"He's not Hispanic."
"What?"
"Bryan's character is not Hispanic."
"Yes, he is."
"No, he isn't."
"Well, but Bryan's Hispanic."
"What?"
"Bryan's Hispanic."
"..."
"What?"
"Bryan Cranston is not Hispanic."
"Yes, he is."
"No, he isn't."
"But what about in Breaking Bad? In Breaking Bad he's--"
"--he's not Hispanic."
- George Lucas and Terrence Howard at a tense press conference

What Women Want

"I doubt that the same woman would go for both of us. Its a good sorting mechanism. Women like me because they have daddy issues--they're wowed by an outsized body and an outsized mind, both equally dubious."
"All women are driven to love by daddy issues."
"True enough, but you're more like a cool older brother you can fuck, the kind of pretty, skinny guy that every girl wanted to fuck when she was eighteen. In you they cling to what they remember of themselves at that age."
"That appeal is fading."
"True, you're getting older."
"So are they. Memories fade."
"I suggest you learn about gourmet cheeses. You need to add some sophistication to your whole 'I surf and hike' shit."
"Cheese, wine, hike, fuck!"
"Well, not in that order. You'll get gas."
"I think this is going on the blog."
"- Siskel and Ebert, 1973"
"We can do better with the attribution, I mean... No, actually, that's perfect."
"Do we leave in the part about us discussing the attribution?"
"Run with it. It might get us laid."
- Siskel and Ebert, 1973

Huntsmania Wins Baidu Grand Prix

Champion Roughed Up By Shanghai Triad At Summerville Taffy Pull

"He's the pseudo-regressive this broken Nation demands!"
- Mayor Michael Bloomberg after a mimosa, Au Boin Pain

"I will bring unity back to rock 'n' roll." - Jon Huntsman's promising start in Sealblack, NH

"Not with all the jade in the world." - Jon Huntsman privately to George Clooney on his prospects

"Goddamnit, this tastes great!" - a despondent Jon Huntsman drinking Coke for the first time

"Yeah I lived in China and I speak their mad tongue. I'm not here for the money okay kids, I'm goddam rich. When I dropped out of high school to play 'boards in Wizard my dad just chuckled, 'Now you'll be president for sure you, jackass.' Unity and strong rope built this country. I'm here because I want it all and I'll take it by force of my love. The people are lucky to have me." - Jon Huntsman, Telemundo Debate, November 2011

"That money is filthy and foreign, Jon, how can you take it?"
"We've just got to get those commercials on the seacoast, sometimes you need the jelly, Rich."
- The Candidate to Meghan McCain, Daily Beast Work Party

"My question is how do we know, with you having worked for the White House, whether they don't control your brain with some sort of switch."
"Only I can flip the switch."
- Huntsman's quick riposte to Willard Romney to much applause, ABC News/Google/CCP Debate, Concord, NH

"In the future, even We of the True Faith will come up short."
- LDS Church Father Parley P. Pratt, 1856

"So I said to the minister, '草坭马!'"
"Ha ha, that really is rich."
"And the minister said to me, '肏你妈的!'"
"You can't be serious."
"He did, Charlie, he did. To which I... What was that?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That sound. Did you hear that?"
"No, what was it?"
"...Nothing... It was nothing. Anyways, I said to the minister, '操你--There it was again! What the fuck was that, Charlie?!"
"Governor, it was nothing."
"Goddamnit, you told me--"
"I told you, Governor, that nothing could make its way into the Black, didn't I? We're totally alone here."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely. ... You were saying."
"Right... I was saying..."
"About the minister..."
"Right, about the minister. So I said to the minister, '操你八辈子祖--CHINESE GANGSTERS!!!'
- Jon Huntsman gunned down on Charlie Rose

A Higher Wall

"It is only when surrounded by mediocrity, as in the Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble from which I write, that I feel at home." - Martin Peretz, Jerusalem

"My body is a monument to loneliness." - Lawrence Summers, Oriental Pearl Tower, Shanghai

"I'll never sleep again, but I'll never die either!" - Jon Huntsman huffing rubber glue, Sugar Tit, SC

"Which came first, loneliness or depression?"
"Childhood."
- Bernard Henry-Lévy, Michele Houellebecq

"Gabriel will fuck in heaven and conquer in hell." - Rick Santorum to his traumatized children

"Don't give up? But giving up is the only thing I have going for me."
- Tim Tebow at Space Camp, 1994

"His muscles glimmer with sanitary anticipation as I bring the mop ever closer to the bucket. But suddenly the blood-stained strands of the mop's roped head remind my of Ronald's locks. I flinch. Mr. Clean turns to me from his image-face on the bucket. 'Will we never be free?'"
- your grandfather on his last day at work

"I hate my life."
"Everyone hates their life."
"That's great, I'll put it on Facebook."
"Don't put it on your Facebook, you fucking loser, that's the trap!"
- Mitch McConnell and John Boehner spoon-feeding each other bleach

"I wish God would kill me." - Pat Robertson wandering Cherokee Country Club golf course, Knoxville, TN, January 13, 2047

"What if everything just is bad?" - Charlie Rose sharing a post-coital cigarette with Ruth Simmons

Out of Your League

"Have you ever fucked a girl that was way out of your league? I know, it's weird, right?" - Haruki Murakami

"No way, dude, she's a 3L." - Dennis Kucinich to John Edwards, 1975

"I like a girl with a big ol' dumptruck butt, you know what I mean?"
- Rick Parry on Real Time with Bill Maher

"Nothing I do seems to help anything. I've got it! I'll cut my fucking ear off." - Van Gogh

"He smells of... pure opiate jasmine...." - Karl Rove, lost in the desert of Rick Parry's embrace

"Of course I'll be homecoming king this year." - Vladamir Putin

"Put the money on the dresser and get the hell out." - the NH Primary Voter to Mitt Romney, Manchester Super 8

Last Year In Charlestonbad

Fuck Goes to the Movies

"Hey, remember movies? This is a movie!" - Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Willard Romney on The Artist

"Even more of a self-aggrandizing guilt trip about the unfortunate necessity of penetration to heterosexuality than the novel."
- Newt Gin Ginch on Norwegian Wood

"I mean, how long must gay men carry the burden of symbolizing depravity for straight audiences?" - Rick Parry on Shame

"My favorite movie since Juno." - Rick Santorum on Young Adult

"Finally, a spy movie that understands you have to kill the only chick so you can go back home and feel some hairy arms." - Jon Huntsman on Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

"The movies? I can fuck my wife, young man." - Ron Paul

Death Comes Rippin' Cross the Plains

"Well, a friend of mine, Tom—Tom, are you here? There he is! My friend Tom here wrote this haiku, I'd like to read it to you. It's called 'The Choice,' and it goes:

A Jesus Fascist
A Libigotarian
A Mormon Ken Doll

Isn't that great? But really, it's a big decision, folks. How do we want American democracy to die?" - Willard Romney

"How can you doubt my power and magnanimity? I will make one out of every four Iowa voters high tenors in my tabernacle choir." - Willard Romney talking real close to Soledad O'Brien, Badger Bite, Iowa

"Look, my baby died. I am a victim. I have a right to infinite justice. And because I cannot avenge myself on God, I shall avenge myself on women—Gabriel's life was worth more than that of every single woman in this country. Because he died, no unwanted pregnancy must ever be terminated. If you don't understand that, you're insane." - Rick Santorum

"I love the primary system, it is the last true Contest in our decadent and effeminate culture." - Ron Paul

"Look here you shit, this used to be about space, dinosaurs, and my mother's brain, now it's about fucking vengeance." - Newt Gin Ginch to a gassy and uncomfortable John King

"If you are able to say that corporations, SuperPACS, and wealthy candidates can essentially buy elections (which they can), then you are already speaking from a position of superiority relative to the voting public. Whereas the public responds merely robotically to political advertising, you are informed, critical, and make genuine political decisions. Whereas the public is ignorant, you understand, understand not only politics, but the gap that separates your intelligence from that of the public--you can even measure it in dollars, a tacit admission that what separates you from them is not an inborn quality but your human capital, that is, the money that has been invested in your socialization. Point is, you're not criticizing the corruption of democracy. You're criticizing democracy.” – Rick Parry at Occupy What Cheer, IA

"The foetus is the property of the entire society. Anyone having children is a deserter who abandons the laws of national continuity. We will show Barack Obama this is true! The streets of our country are in turmoil. The universities are filled with students rebelling and rioting. Communists are seeking to destroy our country. Mexico is threatening us with her might, and the Republic is in danger. Yes - danger from within and without. We need law and order! Without it our nation cannot survive." - Michelle Bachmann's Last Preposterum

"Idleness is the closest to happiness I have ever come." - Jon Huntsman

"You know, I can't believe it either, but some people just love cold pizza." - Herman Cain on his 58 votes

"Hey, it's me, Buddy!" - Buddy Roehmer

"Pass me the whiskey and the Tylenol." - GOP primary voter

"Come one, man, really. Fuck me." - Barack Obama to a college Democrat

Things I Have Lost

...hope, perspective, sight, face, weight, heart, touch, my keys, my job, my savings, the will to live, consciousness, composure, balance, the thread, the file, the password, fluency, patience, faith, innocence, youth, focus, the ability to do anything, all confidence in myself and others, some time, my train of thought, my socks, my memory, my sense of adventure, my virginity, my values, the fight, the opportunity, all belief in anything, all desire for anything, to do or to be anything, a world the other day, my house, my kids, my wife, my parents, my family, my grip, my groove, my teeth, my hair, my looks, my glasses, my sight, my speech, my sense of self, all respect for anything and any one, my homework, my values, my dignity, the receipt, some work, a bet, a fortune, the big game, the remote, the signal, my phone, your number, the girl that got away, a lot of friends, my ticket, my temper, my head, my marbles, my moral compass, all sense of propriety, all sense of proportion, control, the lead, the battle, the war, the debate, your attention, the election, my mojo, my mind, my shit, my voice, my place, your book, my life, my nerve, my lunch, my wits, my way, your support, it all…

- from the diary of Barack Obama, November 5, 2012

I Hate You, New York

B, a young man, walks through a subway tunnel. Green tile walls and cement floors. Run-off stains drip like sludge coffee, grounds and all, down from the street, the muted roar of which can be still be heard through grates. Dark water pools rise out of the nowhere beneath the cement, seep down handicapped-friendly inclines and spiral around drains avoided by passersby with more or less assiduousness depending on their exhaustion or hurry (each begetting the other). Shitty florescent lights, tall black pillars. Small white plastic bulbs sheath rotating cameras that surveille everything so that the transit cops with permanent headaches who spend twelve-hour shifts beneath the surface don’t have to. (In winter, Tour One, six a.m. to six p.m., never sees the sun.) Everything is so dense, nothing can stand out. You could fall forever just standing still. A place where nothing is possible.

- from the diary of Barack Obama, December 1981

Bad News From Home

Dear Son Boy,

I hope this finds you hail and well. As you know our failure in the forests cost Grampy two of his best hounds and all of us a good part of our honor. Our meagre Yule fare served not to cheer the old man even though parsimony and abstinence are our want, our way, and our weight in the world. In consequence perhaps, Grampy has taken the ague and Aunt Cilla doctors to him. Upon visiting he speaks of little but that cat and its path of destruction. Uncle 'Lonzo yearns--I ponder that is the proper word--to set out again and hunt the beast. My own back has taken on a deep bone ache which slows me. Your Ma attributes it to causes both natural and supernatural but offers no remedy. Tonight we welcome the New Year alone--the Papists celebrate it as the circumcision of Jesus Christ. Whether we are here when you return from the village turns on the wishes of God and your Uncle 'Lonzo's persuasion.

Your Father,

A Humble Man

Steve Jobs Lives

Make Life Beautiful

Such erratic pranks are not without danger and one often has to pay dearly for them. But what is an eternity of damnation compared to an infinity of pleasure in a single second?