Boom Time for Roofin' in Virginia

"Sufferin' succotash, what was that?" - Rep. Barney Frank, Boston, MA

"Shatterin' china and swaying chandaliers in Dixie, oh my Lo'd have mercy me!" - Sen. Richard Burr

"Did you feel that?"
"Yes! I felt it! It was so erotic!"
"I can't feel anything."
"Yes, I noticed your face didn't jiggle."
- Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner

Tuesday-Sized Earthquake Gently Jostles East Coast
- Los Angeles Times

"...for a fleeting moment everything felt right with the world..." - from the opium diary Michael Bloomberg

"Turn off the dark!" - Julie Taymor, awaking with a start

"Jesus Christ, calm down, you people are acting like a bunch of Los Angelinos in the snow." - Frank Sinatra Jr. in a bathrobe, Midtown Manhattan

"I told you you'd pay, you bitch." - Jimmy Carter seen shaking his fist at the National Cathedral

"What the hell now it's just a shake, why aren't you kids back in school?"
"Twitter said that the wrath of God makes the social compact no longer viable." - Arne Duncan and a group of adolescents, Washington D.C.

Open Your Mouth for His Hands

"What if I created something out of bounds? Something I couldn't control. It represents my secret wish and my doom all in one. Wolfowitz told me the Jews call it... Golem."
– Karl Rove sweating uncontrollably at the Ranch, Paint Creek, TX

"With one foot I walk the path of Righteousness, and with the other the path of Wickedness, following in the footsteps of the Christs, seers, and kings who came before, leading me to the palace of Glory."
– Rick Parry

"Drinking red wine so early, I'm surprised, Govern–"
"It's blood."
– Karl Rove and Rick Parry

"There is nothing on this earth like a boy gymnast's ass."
– President Parry, 2016 Rio Olympics

“Al Jaz calls Perry the ‘French cuff cowboy,’ which, I have to say, only makes me like him more.” – Anderson Cooper

"Do you love me, Rick?"
"You know, Jazz makes me want to dress like a better man."
– Anjelica Huston, Rick Parry

"When I listen to Bach, especially the keyboard works, it confronts me with the perfection of human Reason and makes me indifferent to the suffering of my fellow man."
- Duke Rick Parry

"After our debate I lost the one thing that has stayed true in my public life: I could no longer light trees afire with my mind."
- Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison

"Vacuums cannot exist for God is everywhere." - Dr. Rick Parry

"I met him at the Governor's Conference one year. I told him how I played with Prince one night at that club, but he just laughed and gurgled, 'I fucked Morris Day!'" - Tim Polenta

"Evolution is a swindle on your daughter! Make sure she gets her shot, or she'll get the box pox!" - Rick Parry

"Play ball! Make love!"
- Rick Parry, Little League Baseball World Series

"...you can't look at it without feeling like you're touching it, you can't touch it without not knowing what you're feeling. The same glare reflects off an oiled bare arm and snakes' green scales. You'd have to be a real dolt not to find the confusion frightening, erotic. Inside that image is all the beauty she will ever lose, the beauty that has rendered her invisible, at times even to herself, though in losing it she will find no respite, no residue of a true self--ugly but loveable--left behind, because the appearance of being-there is all that ever was. 'Take, take, take,' said their eyes, and the harder they grasped at it the more her heart constricted in retreat until–though not 'at last'–it fell into itself and grew ever harder and more compact, warping everything around it and dragging it all down in the deepening hole. If you put your finger in, you would never get it back... "
- Rick Parry emerging after forty nights in the desert

One Down, One Up

"I never got laid either!" - Beethoven

"Vienna is just a sugarshack, baby." - Liszt

"I didn't even write this, I just made love to my cousin and it burst forth from my forehead!" - Wagner

"Hoodlum lady, will you bless this reed with a kiss?"
"That shit don't swing!"
- Trouble at the Half-Note with Hank Mobley

"Artist, if you dare cross the Smooth then you go to a place where Jazz cannot save thee." - Creed Taylor

Stan Getz Denounces Brazil on Death Bed,
War Declared on Cool Jazz

"I am the Night!" - Chopin emerging from the flames of Warsaw

"I am the Sun!" - Coltrane jumping off a Chinatown roof with a Hi-Fi blasting Bach cantatas

"I'm disoriented and lost in a barn!"
"Alright! Now let's see you suffer in 4/7 time."
- Dave Brubeck and God in Job: An Ecclesiastical Happening

Smooth Bossa Nova Stylings of Tom Jobim Kill Twelve

"I haven't shit in twelve years!" - Arthur Schoenberg

"I can't stop shitting!" - Philip Glass

"This shit is a gondola ride on a river of opium and blonde hair."
- Johnny Hartman on Lush Life

Dispatches from Doom, IA

"To each her own path to Power, so long as bloody Terror result!"
- Sarah Clytemnestra Palin

"Now that I've joined the field, we can reliably say that, statistically speaking, at least one of the Republican hopefuls is gay." - Rick Parry

Mitt Romney Asked to Leave Holiday Inn Hot Tub

"I think I lost my headache." - Michele Bachmann, skin shriveling away to reveal a throng of snakes

Playing Lute: Tim Polenta Spied Leaving Ames Followed by 400 Missing Children

"Be still my heart, this is a sight not meant for the eyes of civilized men." - Chris Wallace taken to the Gold Chamber, Ron Paul Farms

Rand Paul Moves to Replace Elections with Trial by Ordeal

"I swear to God that raccoon had clothes on!" - Rick Santorum, emerging from woods

Little Caesar Crosses Mississippi River, Herman Cain Declares War

"I can't eat an ear of buttered corn, it reminds me too much of Little Newt!" - the Gin Ginch

"Chinese gangsters!" - Jon Huntsman, gunned down at Henry Kissinger's Hot Chile Contest

Complete Control

"You'll come for the free jeans. You'll stay for the insurrection."
- Liam Gallagher

"What a great excuse to re-listen to The Clash!" - Harry Wales

Libyan Rebels Take Tottenham Hale

"Soon all will be Chav City and good men mere cell phone stores."
- David Cameron

"Yobs or bobs, bitch. Can you choose?" - HM to David Cameron

"Shut down the social network?! Can you really say that out loud? Isn't that a bit Arab?" - Prince Philip

Boris Johnson Declares Self "Johnny Quest," Flogs Hadji

"Fair's fair, right?" - Nick Clegg, looting signed copies of Hot, Flat, and Crowded from a newsagent's shop

"I know you didn't kill him! I know!" - rioters to Boris Johnson

David Cameron Addresses an Emergency Session of Parliament on Public Disorder

Plagiarized by the Past

"All that you can do in your life is decide--assuming that there is any part of your mind capable of free action and not entirely overdetermined by unconscious drives, ideological programming, or deterministic biological processes--to what larger historical tendency--of which you may not have any real knowledge--you will contribute your individual effort, while keeping in mind that every aspect of that tendency, including the efficacy of your own actions in and upon it, remains fundamentally outside of your control."
- Bill Clinton, If You Can Read This You're Lying, 2011

"Humans in modern societies are driven by a perhaps desperate hope that they might find some way of mobilising their theoretical and empirical knowledge and their evaluative systems so as both to locate themselves and their projects in some larger imaginative structure that makes sense to them, and to guide their actions to bring about what they would find be to satisfactory (or at any rate 'less unsatisfactory') outcome or to improve in some other way the life they live. Furthermore, many modern agents would like it to be the case that they form of orientation which their life has is, if not 'true,' at least compatible with the best available knowledge, and they would like the principles by which they guide their action to be in some kind of contact with reality, although anyone would be hard put to say precisely what was meant by that. Both the extent to which this hope is present in a certain group and the extent to which it can be realised are empirical matters, although one would have to be extremely sanguine to expect it to be realised to any significant extent."
- Raymond Geuss, Philosophy and Real Politics, 2008

Arab Fling

"You guys, everyone in Hama is dead!"
"Shut the fuck up--football's back on!"
- The Editors

"Consistency is counterrevolutionary. Blame is counterrevolutionary. Without opportunism, History stands still." - Barack Obama

"I eat cake so that you don't have to." - Col. Q

"The Madhi and I will run the sack race together in the illustrious temple of paradise!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
- Saif al-Islam el-Qadaffi, Khalid Kaim

"I can't believe this is happening! All I ever wanted was to feast until I die!" - Ali Abdullah Saleh

"The Egyptian Army is the new black." - the Spanish Police

"People are cops, too." - Field Marshall Tatwani

"Short outbursts of violence are meaningless libidinal expression. Naive enthrallment to myths of consistency, authenticity, and integrity. The illusion of action. Violence is pure image, and the pure image is that which can support any interpretation. Organized violence prevails because it is semiotically consolidated and leaves little room for alternative interpretation. The right-wing militia need not even act and it exerts spectacular influence, whereas the spontaneous occupation may undermine itself in acting. What's more, to command the language of violence requires, as with any language, mastery of its unwritten rules: subtext, dirty jokes, permissible exceptions. Unless they are willing to commit secretive, extralegal violence, the Liberals will never win. " - David Frost

What Is an Artist?

Classical musicians: Up-tight, ambitious squares. Doctors.

New Music musicians: Having implicitly resigned from the institutional rat race, they are the cool, if slightly embarrassing, high school teachers of the art world.

Rock musicians: Losers. Of all artists, they are the most likely to squander their entire life's potential in pursuit of their art, insensible to more socially meritorious endeavors (Actors take second prize).

Hip-hop musicians: The true Princes and soldiers of Pop.

Jazz musicians: Museum guards.

Composers: Academics.

Theater artists: Prissy, tasteless faggots (America). Rapists (Europe).

Novelists: Arrogant nebbishes who, regarding themselves more as public intellectuals than artists, are consequently inconsequential as either.

Short story writers: Civil servants, clerks, petty bureaucrats. Superfluous men.

Poets: Women.

Architects: Bootlickers, bishops, and Bolivarists.

Dancers: Inscrutable and insignificant, no one curious to know one who doesn't, they are the Mormons of the arts.

Filmmakers: Jocks, ringmasters, Romantic composers. The only truly popular artists, working in the only truly relevant artform.

Conceptual/media artists: Illiterate novelists, better dressed and funded.

Photographers: Journalists.

Designers: Not, to their credit, artists.

Painters/sculptors: Libidinal formalists carrying the torch of fucking and fighting for the entirety of the dead arts.

Charlie Rose Interviews Classic Golfer's Reasoning

"I'm taking my tie off because this is the pure shit. Arnold Palmer, the whole world in front of him, champion of golf, what wouldn't you fuck?" - Charlie Rose

"We did everything you could together. One time we experimented like Prussians on a drifter." - Phil Mickelson, on the verge of tears, discussing his departed golfing guru Green McKnave

"What so electrified people about your golf connection, you were looked on like lightning, are you a locomotive?" - Rose in the Last Rec Room

"Assess your swing, lord of metal."

"I had a system. I could feel the fear in the ball. Everything was like a tidal wave destroying a village, and I was the physic. I am the damn golf."
"An early influence, a violent encounter?"
"I learned my swing from an old blind veteran, who learned his from a negro what he freed during the War Between the States!"
"But that was just the beginning....?"
"One time, I'll tell you, me and Bob Drummond, you know the story..." ::Rose laughs knowingly:: "...I bogeyed after 12 games and Bob gave me his crystal driver..."
"Right, right..." ::chuckles::
"I drove the green 10,000 yards, 12 bronchial puts, a lard biter, and the crowd kept growing. Well, here comes old Bob. I says, 'What are you doing here?' He shoots my caddy with a mauser and we just broke up."
"Jack Nickalus: when did you meet, she sells, make it?"
"Well, Jack is younger than me and has the look of the hasidim. We really hit it off and became true foes. Charlie..." ::chuckles:: "...I'd sacrifice all my children to make him serve me the head of Tiger Woods like John the Baptist."
- Rose and Arnold Palmer

Among Men Only/Skinny Girls Whinging

"Let's get off!" - Jeff Goldblum, prepping on the set of The Fly

"Nah, bro, we can fuck each other as long as its part of the ritual!"
- Johann Gottfried von Herder to J. W. Goethe during the Rites of Naked Devilry

“Men are lonely, but women are objects.”
“You won’t be lonely when you’re dead.”
- Judd Apatow, Ryan Gosling

"I thought I had the VD the other day, but it turned out I just really had to pee."
"Yeah, well, my baby don't film me no more."
- Norman Mailer and Robert Frank eating cake

“Will you sink my battleship?” – Nick Clegg to David Cameron

"It was watching Basic Instinct that first got me interested in politics."
- Michele Bachmann

"Life begins at sodomy." - Michael Douglas

"Goddamn, four miles on the mill and the steel machine! The gym looks out over the pool, there was a sullen skinny brunette and a big nasty blonde!"
“Women are only beautiful when they cry.”
"I don't know, crying women frighten me. I think it stems from seeing my mother having a couple crying jags from the stress of getting screaming children to school."
"Entirely understandable. I probably would have killed you."
"Yeah, she handled it better than I would have. 'Senator Arrested for Smoking Joint with Children in HOV Lane.'"
"That puts me in mind of the time we smoked out your van."
"Oh, man, I got in trouble for that. Whatever, Mom and Dad, I got laid!"
- the Editors

“Whoever writes this piece of shit need to stop sublimated and just get on OK Cupid.” – Admiral Mike “Dad” Mullen

Manufactured and Unnecessary

"Hey, it's gonna work out, man, Giffords is here!"
"Wait, is that Pee-wee Herman?"
"Yeah! And Kurt Russell too!"
- Steny Hoyer and Jimmy Duncan

"Nothing like a good 'crisis,' right, Eric?" - Mitch McConnell breastfeeding Eric Cantor, Chaff Gardens, Bohemian Grove

"Can a man kill History as he would a Beast?" - Steve King to his astrologer

"The Legislative Branch brings to mind nothing less than a naked old man in a bathtub being attacked by a bat during a power outage." - George McGovern

"Am I Lula or just Paul Krugman?" - Barack Obama

"Today, I used a Canadian quarter to buy a slice and spent the rest of day in bed overcome with guilt, I thought I was going to die." - Paul Krugman

"Our only hope now is to build a giant abacus of skulls and drown our daughters in the sea." - Warren Buffet

"Unngghh, unngghhh, uuhhhh!!! The Light! Put it out!!!" - Michelle Bachmann enduring a crippling migraine

"I'll see you all next year at Beaver Creek!" - John Boehner from the deck of the USS Coconut, 112th Congress Send-Off Cruise