Love and Heredity Conquers All!

"Prima Nocta!!!!" - Prince Charles

"Truly its inconsequential majesty will reverberate throughout the millenia." - The Archbishop of Canterbury"That dress should have been mine!" - Tony Blair

"I am the goose that laid the eggs that shall be poached on the breakfast of the nuptial feast!" - Sarah Ferguson

"I've dreamed of a future love that could be/ a dark maiden by the sea/ her love to a monkey that wore the red coat of the See." - Jimi Hendrix "Ukulele Future Jam 2"

"whoooo whooo whooo whooo whoooo!" - The Media

"The buffet was perhaps the most extravagant part. It was all vegan food and Irish children" - Camilla Parker Bowles

"My dick is a Chicken McNugget!" - Prince William

"I am a dragon! I am the knight that saved the maiden!" - Harry Wales engaging the wedding cake in a rugby scrum

"Before the gowning I spent 20 minutes with her. She wanted my birth certificate and 3 pints of blood." - Kate Middleton on HM

"Ugly as her name, that bit of rough." - Prince Philip on Princessa Beatrice

"We had to cut the Harrier jets. Prince Harry kept calling me and saying he'd need them to 'elope with my sweet Princess Qadaffi.'" - PM David Cameron

""Look at that ass! Is she from Queens?" - Sidney Lumet on Princess Beatrice

"When the people have broken the gates and despoiled my lands. When Philip lies dead on the ground a republican lance in his gullet, only then will I profess a belief in human love." - HM

Hate Fucking

"I've never fucked this way before!" - Al Gore to Ai Toyon

"If we don't fuck right now I'll rob every bank in this city!" - Burt Reynolds

"Why, I've never fucked in a bathtub of salt before." - Mitt Romney

"If we don't fuck right now, then what kind of message are we sending to all the other Arab dictators?" - Nick Clegg

"Grownups can fuck in the woods, on the toilet, everywhere!" - a young Bill Clinton

"I can't keep fucking like this for much longer!" - James Cameron through an oxygen mask at 40,000ft

Q: Should we fuck?
A: We should fuck!!!

Rinse and Repeat Till the Water is Red

The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit. The House Republican budget adds $6 trillion to the debt in the next decade yet the GOP is balking at raising the debt limit.

Feeling hungover? Perhaps a Bloody Mary?

I Don't Believe In Beatles

What is your favorite Beatles album?
a) The White Album
b) Plastic Ono Band
c) Band on the Run
d) All Things Must Pass
e) Thomas the Tank Engine

"What if we threw a party and didn't invite Paul?" - John Lennon, on the Plastic Ono Band

"I am the real Don King." - Yoko Ono

"My parents are artists, but I am rich!" - Sean Lennon, founder of Williamsburg

"The best Beatles solo album is George Martin's Bitches Eating Cake." - Brian Epstein on Mt. Olympus

The Face of Another

...a face easily removed. A world without family, friends, or enemies. There'd be no criminals, hence crime itself would disappear. Unbounded freedom, hence no yearning for it. No such thing as home, hence no dreams of escaping from it. Loneliness and friendship would bleed into one another. Trust among people, now so richly prized, would become obsolete. Suspicion and betrayal would no longer be possible...
- from the diary of Newt Gin-Ginch, 14 November 1995

Kulturkampf

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Filibuster My Love

"Hey, baby, you wanna give me a tug?" - Newt Gin-Ginch


"Why would I hold myself to my own standards?" - Newt Gin-Ginch


"My agenda? Sorry, I don't know what you mean, doll. I just want to fuck." - Newt Gin-Ginch, asked what the leather apron is for


"The only way to sleep soundly at night is to know that you are loved, or engineer a situation in which you are." - Newt Gin-Ginch

"I swear to Harlem he's a fucking lizard." - Bill Clinton

Hatetalk Express

"This isn't like regular steel: it's bullshit!" - Dagny Taggart

"My sex smells like sardines on burnt toast." - Michele Bachman

"I'm a pepperoni!" - Herman Cain

"Everything done by humans and other animals is excellent and divine." - Mitt Romney

"My shit looks like Plymouth Rock!" - Roger Ailes

"Holy shit! Mike Huckabee wrote every song for The Zombies!"
"Yeah, he also played bass on There's a Riot Goin' On!"

"If you could go back in time and become Henrietta Pressburg, would you abort Karl Marx?" - a child's question to Sarah Palin, Grand Rapids, MI

"If I had only been born in Idaho I would have been some sort of sex god." - Tim Pawlenty

Are You A Fucking Asshole?

Find out.

Love Truncheon

"Is it possible to love more than one person?"
"It is not possible to love anyone."
- Newt Gin-Ginch at Seton Falls Elementary School, Boulder, CO

"My mother and father love me."
"I am glad that they tell you that."
- Eric Cantor and Barack Obama at the Cherry Blossom Festival

"Please come. It would mean something to me. I won't say it would mean a lot, because nothing means a lot to me, or, rather, it is impossible for anything to mean a lot, period. But it would mean something." - John Kerry to Jane Fonda after burning his medals in her bra

"Look, we can never stop domestic violence entirely, but what we can do is make sure that it only happens among the poor." - Rand Paul

The Politics of Grandeur

"Thomas the Tank Engine is a disgrace to the glory of the rails. Led by the communist Ringo Starr, sexless parasitic monsters gather like maggots on a moldy scone tossed away by a proud industrialist."
- Ayn Rand to Tony Judt

"Fuck! We all have scurvy! This Tang is worthless!"
- Richard Branson's last voyage

"I'll get you the money... just a little more steam!"
- Uncle Sam at Macao

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak nigger." - Paul Ryan

"The People have failed Austerity!" - David Cameron

"Fuck this." - Portugal

"Aretha Franklin!" - the last words of Hosni Mubarak before collapsing from nervous exhaustion and anorexia

The Holy Mountain

It feels good to be saved and to be the one who saves.
It feels good to work and to be provided for.
It feels good to possess and to belong to some one else.
It feels good to be a man and it feels good to be a woman.
- from the diary of Mike Huckabee, 25 May 1974

The Road Not Taken

More entries that never were from the youths we have lost forever.

Misery Fund
Hate Season
Fire! Acid! Ice! Bees!
Contact Mics on Female Flesh
Swallow the Cup of Glass
Rat Violence
Politicalol
Last of the Liver Kings
Dick Splits
China What Hell
Steamboat Fight
My Stream Is Strong
Hate Speech
Mantellectuals
I Blog With A Broad Brush
Gin Without Reason*
Sea of Troubles
The Gottbegnadeten List
Fuck Your Friends
Paz de la Huerta, Rape Object
Id Monster in the Eye of God
Sheets of Death Rain
Necrokingdom
Knife Insurance
Gin Apocalyptica

*Not to be confused with the Stiff Records group led by Stiv Bators, G.G. Alin Sr., and E. Markel

You wanna fuck?! Let's fuck!!!

Next Week on Bill Clinton NYC: Park Supervisor for Life

"Harlem's just, you know, 'beige' now, baby." - Bill Clinton

"Strip down to your armor and call me the Great Cyrus!" - Jimmy Carter, the wedding episode

"I can stand here proudly and say that I have personally bought every cab driver in the city a piece of cheesecake." - Bill Clinton

"Sometimes when I'm at Film Forum watching a rep film and there's a close-up of an old movie star on the screen, I feel myself to be in the presence of gods, super-normal beings brought back to life by a magic lantern, and I feel all the love I've never felt, and I'm certain that moment can last for ever." - Andrew Cuomo

"Yeah, Hillary and I can never quite make it except when we're at the Taj." - Bill Clinton at the Four Seasons

"Cold Spring's just a Rock Show these days, daddio." - Roger Ailes to a male stripper

"Every street is just a bowl of chili with my name on it!" - Bill Clinton

Sex Nationalism

"Fuck who you will, but keep your hair out!" - Sarkozy

"Marriage is a defense against suicide but not its opposite."
- Carla Bruni

"I am a little tin soldier who wants to jump into your fire." - Tony Mod Blair

"Hide your daughters in vain, pharaohs of Napa!"
- Sean Penn in a Jeep

"I frequently can't fall asleep because my clitoris is so engorged by the thought of being raped." - Paz de la Huerta

"Yeah, doll, I like books too. Hey, are we making it?" - Jonathan Franzen at book group

"They're all pink on the inside." - Sidney Lumet, Queens NY, 1976

"Women are sub-intellects." - Roger Ebert

Bye Bye Braverman

"A post! A post, I say! A post in my honor!"
- Sidney Lumet, feasting in Hell

"Sidney Lumet's ghost! Have you come to give me guidance on how to be a great filmmaker?"
"No, boy, I've come to reap your soul!"
- Tisch Film School, 2012

"I knew this day would come! Battle me in the Lake of Fire and one of us shall die the True Death!" - the ghost of Stanely Kubrick

"But colonel what shot shall we use for this gun."
"Crawl inside, boy, and I shall show you!"
- Sidney Lumet, Col. Teddy Roosevelt, 1898

"The Times characterizes Sidney Lumet as a director of 'conscience' but that's malarkey. What he's about is the existential pleasure of projecting 'I'm fucking hard' out into the megasphere." - Roger Ebert

"I have never met such a cruel man in my entire life." - Werner Herzog

Hate Omnibus

"Fight me on the river of glass!" - Angela Merkel

"Is this the fleeting relief they call happiness? It's as though my coal blood has moistened to diamond wine!" - Justice Alito, concurring opinion

"Ain't gonna be no Cherry Blossom Festival, ain't gonna be no weddin, ain't gonna be no Jesus Fighting Oil mural in Polunka, ID!!!" - Congressional Budget Office Director Douglas W. Elmendorf on a Gin Run, Z Street

"Why am I so fucking ill?!" - Rep. John Boehner, shitting uncontrollably

"Spit on my tits!" - Cathie Black

I Fuck Sea Monsters And Death Hags For Breakfast

"My dick is beet red!" - Saif al-Islam Gaddafi

"Am I not a sultan? Shall I not have all—all—that I desire?" - Mike Huckabee

"Suck on yer sister's tits! Take a roll in the hay with your cousin!" - Newt Gin-Ginch

"I want to be a female sports reporter!" - Mike Bloomberg

"My body is a cage." - Bob Costas

World's Greatest Mom

"I think I can suck my own cock on airplanes!" - James Cameron, Development Meeting 2015

"Together we can surf a river of blood." - Wen Jiabao

"For the first time in my life, I had a problem that money could not solve." - Donald Trump on his inability to persuade Ivana to have an abortion

"Stay the fuck out of Spain." - Gen. Francisco Franco to Dudley Moore

"I am a black horse, a white bird, and a yellow salamander." - Nancy Reagan to the stars