Exile Mubarak to America...

... and Other Scenarios In Which Good and Evil Triumph Simultaneously


"Once Barack silences Mubarak, all is as night and women walk as the jaguar." - Joe 'Robinette' Biden

"People criticize, but, you see, I'm different. I didn't have to have everything go all my way. I've left at least." - Ben Ali to Katie Couric

"More popcorn shrimp!" - Hosni Mubarak

The Editors Go To Egypt

"Vilija, fire up the Ski-doo! We're going to Cairo to crack some heads!" - Vladimir Putin

"If we must ride to Cairo, I will not spare the Sphinx this time." - Sarkozy

"I built this tank of white wine bottles, you wog." - Charles de Gaulle

"But how can you support freedom in Tunisia while opposing it in Egypt?"
"Bipartisanship."
- Robert Gibbs

"That dark shadow that haunts your nightmares, that caped vision bearing swift and violent justice--is it a ghost? Some imagined spirit? No, it is I, Zorro the Fox!" - Joe Biden, chasing the Egypt delegation from the UN

"Most heroic of all, the Egyptian people still flood the streets, still know when and where to meet without the Internet, without social networking's instantaneous freedom. I'm baffled they even get up in the morning." - Thomas Friedman

"Loath though I am to say it, People of North Africa: You're welcome." - Bono

"Supporting Mubarak is a deadly mistake. The People will win, probably before the week is out. A dictator may learn to forget in exchange for shiny fighter jets and a blind eye, but the Dictatorship of the People will remember that at its birth you, you vile and debased hypocrites, you mealymouthed imperialists, you rooted for abortion. You could have toasted victory with us. Instead, you lined up against the wall beside Mubarak." - Nicki Minaj, Saturday Night Live

Hemorrhoids of the Mind

"Hommelette I am your friar's skillet." - James Joyce, on abortion

"O, Time, destroyer, carry me on! Hasten me towards Death! Life is a suicide mission." - Vladimir Putin

"Do not drink of the poisoned cup of Youth." - Silverio Berlusconi

"Cocaine is the Thanksgiving Day of drugs" - Pierce Brosnan

"You can't catch me! Watch as I drink all the King's wine and fuck the Queen's swan!" - Erasmus

Socialism in Tunisia! Democracy in Egypt! Somalia in Yemen!

Blog-Blasting, Brain-Blowing Benediction!

"That quote is the fire testament." - Nikola Tesla

"You are Air Jordans with chocolate laces." - Prince Rogers Nelson

"I'm glad I'm now immortalized in a blog! It has been a lifelong dream of mine. I'd like to thank my parents and my beautiful mops and brooms for keeping my floors so clean. I'd also like to give a shout out to my producer, Jimmy the Gin God." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"I quit hearing quotes after a session in the shed." - former contributing editor Jonathan Franzen

"When Cherie found out I was reading it, she hid my magic wafers and my black t-shirt." - Tony Blair

"I don't know how to read!!!" - Eric Cantor

"If those boys had any sense they'd bury it for a thousand years and only release on microfilm. Damnation, my steamboat is leavin'! Stop the General Buell, boys!" - Mark Twain

The King's Speech

'Everyone's abuzz: they took off Mickey's head and He's just a man! in a Rolls! What are all these pink things around me?! Why won't they stop laughing? The People roar for more, but what is there left of spectacle now? Everything a lie. Nothing worth living for. Waking up is simply a bad habit. Waking up is wasted potential. Any damn fool lizard man who comes onto my land will die by the sword!--Cool it, shit head! The Money Men are getting nervous!'

- His Royal Highness The Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales and Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Great Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight of the Order of Australia, Companion of the Queen's Service Order, Honorary Member of the Saskatchewan Order of Merit, Chief Grand Commander of the Order of Logohu, Member of Her Majesty's Most Honourable Privy Council, Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, at his coronation, 2026.

Neo-Nihilism

"It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late." - E.M. Cioran

Night Is Here For Ever

What brings you to the threshold of my great and sovereign loneliness?

It's better than slicing up my face with a kitchen knife. I think I wanted to tell someone that I'm base and hideous and pathetic, and only you'd understand the vanity involved in that.

To each his own disaster.

I feel physically horrible and am consumed by a terrible loneliness. Why am I consumed by loneliness? Why can't I see loneliness for what it is: freedom? Maybe I just really need to get laid.

Yes, it's an enviable trick to be pulled off. Freedom, that is, not getting laid.

Of course.

Although, during a trick, one gets pulled off.

Presence, absence, everything is a curse.

"After such knowledge, what forgiveness?" - Eliot Spitzer.

How are rehearsals?

I have no idea what it will feel like to not be this busy and feel this horrible all the time.

After busy and horrible, comes lassitude and horrible.

The play as a whole is no better than Faust. Well, it's better than Faust, at in terms of execution and entertainment. But not in terms of its raison d'etre.

Which is?

"The narcissism of a milquetoast imagination. What else? It's theater." - Joe Papp

I think I am ready for some one near to me to die. I think that is precisely the kind of loss I am ready to deal with right now. It might even be reassuring.

The Butcher's Leavings

"We must live as the mole men, knowing nothing of the pleasures of flesh or zeppelin!" - Steve Jobs Pasha

"Why does my body keep me alive?" - Larry Summers

"People should really know that I have a grace about me when I jog." - Keith Olbermann to Warren Buffet

"My virginity grew back, I can hear it try to break out of my room at night." - Patrick Harrison

"We all die unfulfilled and alone, no matter what we hear, see, taste, touch, smell, feel, or think." - George C. Zoley

The Great Pan-American Hatebook

Whips and chains
Chill their squeals and ease their branes
Monkey's paw, hammer saw
Whip the women and we stoke the war.
- Henry Kissinger, song rejected by Neil Diamond, 1967

I am the slime, you are the steam
Put it in the ground liver like a tiger-queen
¡Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
[trombone solo]
Turn on the machine!
Ice for the commandante!
Women!!!
- Rubén Blades in Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Richard III

"I will attack with all my riders if you give the word. We will forgo firearms and armor for naked devilry if need be!" - Nicolas Sarkozy to Jean-Claude Duvalier

"Jews did this to Trig" - Sarah P

“There are no leaders, that is the good thing”

An End To All Tyrants

"Please support NPR Triploli." - Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi

"Wikileaks knocked up my daughter!" - Abdullah II bin al-Hussein

"Tunisia? I thought it was just a place where one met handsome boys and flash gigolos." - Piers Morgan

"Anisette! My blood is up!" - Gen. Charles de Gaulle in purgatory

"Does this mean I lose my suite at the new Mecca Beallagio?" - Zine El Abidine Ben Ali

Brooklyn Is For Strangers

"Today on the subway another week of sadness came to its exhausting end. After my last night's work, I had done what any New Yorker does when they are inconsolable and alone: I had dinner with my ex. It was therapeutic. Having finally purged myself of the murderous negativity that had built up over sleepless nights, I peacefully read the latest posthumous article by Tony Judt in the NYRB. The article was about trails. I love trains, and I was on a train. I love public spaces. As the train approached my station, the highest elevated in the city, I looked up. Across from me was a beautiful, young woman quietly crying. Select tears slalomed down her cheeks. Tendrils of hair about her shoulders. Eyes glimmering like oil slicks on the Gowanus Canal. Only two hours prior I might thrown my arms around this unfortunate creature. I might have told her everything. I might have said, 'I know you, and I do not know you. I also suffer. You are not alone.' But now all I could feel was relief. Relief that she and I were no longer the same. Relief that I was no longer the same as her. There is no healing in this city. We only shuffle around our sorrows. The only change is the entropic increase of suffering as time ruins everything. I got off the train. I walked home. I knew then that we all die alone."
- Karl Rove

"Ryan Gosling is the new Heath Ledger." - Michelle Williams

Set Yourself On Fire

What Never Was Nor Ever Shall Be

Another look back at some of our finest posts which never were:

Socially Legitimate Swindling
Babylon II: Then As Farce
The Korean Blog War
Horrible Machine
Yellow Leather Pleasure Leather
Ablogalypse Now
The Arrogant Sportsman
Doom Thriller: There Are No Breaks
Blogblasting Brainblowing Benediction
Born To Die
!
Democracy Is No Longer Appropriate
Pleasure In Velocity
Into The Pit
Fish And Chip Sex Potato
Effette Beyond Measure
Woman Without Qualities
Petrodecadence
Hate Scoop!
Love Is Alibi of Fascism
This Country Is Doomed and We Deserve To Die

If You Can Read This, You're Lying

Beyond the Pale

"Eleanor, whip my back with the flail!!!" - FDR

"I don't believe in ghosts or the afterlife, but I want my body wrapped in the thickest industrial foil." - Gerald Ford

"Whoooo! I'm a Train! I'm a Submarine!" - Tony Judt's ghost

"We saw a bright light in the sky and heard strange tongues from beyond. So I told Nancy I'd take her off the Red List if she'd sleep with me. And, reader, she did." - Ronald Reagan

"Give me my laser rifle, boy! These lizard bastards seek cruel death, and by Golgotha they shall have it!" - Gustavus Adolphus in the 23rd Century

"Now I must sleep. I charge you with the protectorship of the Republic. Murder me in my restfulness before I am transformed. Nothing can stop me once I've turned Beast." - Fidel Castro to his shoe boy Panchito, October, 1962

FAME!

"Jeffrey Wright is the real Philip Seymour Hoffman." - Jeffrey Wright

"Julian Assange is the new Bradley Manning." - Julian Assange

"This terrible cocktail tastes so much better when surrounded in the seemingly friendly grope of this smooth background music." - Noel Gallagher at Scores in Ibiza

"I haven't gone to the bathroom in decades. I just don't need it." - Julia Roberts
"Risking hypocrisy, one could add, 'I get it all out in my films.'" - David Denby

The Eclipse

"There are no poor people in India."
- The Honourable Manohman Singh

"When the tanks of the Chinese People's Liberation Army roll down Fifth Avenue, I will be there throwing roses." - Kathleen Hays

"There is no such thing as human interest." - Rupert Murdoch

"Tomorrow can only be worse." - Tony Judt's hateful ghost

Summed Up

The Arithmetic of Atrocity

News Corp World Classics

Dear Mr Murdoch:

Due to our success with the new Citizen's Cut of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain we have prepared a host of other classics that will be more appropriate for a clean and healthy education. Hopefully this meets with the approval of you and Mrs. Gradenko.

Sincerely,
The Publishing Corp

Lady Chatterly’s Woopy Hand by D.H. Lawrence

"Boy he sure was fond of that girl named Kiki."
- William Burrough’s dry noir: Naked Hunch

Airport by Elie Wiesel

"Anne Frank was a shy girl. She didn't leave the house much as she feared getting picked on by the Nasties." - The Diary of Anne Frank

The Beatles’ White Album

Deflation and Strategic Re-branding by Leo Tolstoy

Stability by Rainer Maria Rilke

Great Stalin and the Grateful People by Mikhail Bulgakov

"And on that glorious day Harold Bloom converted to the One True Faith of Catholicism and spent his days faithfully serving H.R.H. Stephen Daedalus learned his lesson and would always carry a handkerchief on the beach." - James Joyce, Ulysses

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out by Fernando Pessoa

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas: An American Car Dealership

Fresno Beach Party by Frank Miller

120 Days of Lent - Father Sade

"Life for all us folks in Chicago can be pretty tough sometimes, but everything might work out just dandy if we all pitch in and do our part! Go cubs!" - Richard Wright, Native Son

"Takin' up the game of golf has really kept my mind from wanderin'." - Humbert Humbert

Love Thy Enema

"Every train in cinema is a reference to the Lumière train." - Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.

"This sort of hubris belongs in 2004 or something." - Sen. Scott Brown on Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark

"Honestly, after a poorly attended town-hall in Butte, I spent most of the remaining campaign slowly carving swastikas into the deck of the Straight Talk Express." - Sen. John McCain

"The Tea Party is like taking a group of pledges to the old lake 'round Cleveland, but that old lake is on fire." - Speaker John Boehner

"O Death, you are already too late!" - Sen. Ted Stevens

Sky Briggs, Putin of Newport

"Sky Briggs is an unstoppable thunderball." - Sophia Loren

"Siberian Tigers make great pets." - Sky Briggs

"I can only fly in Maryland, but you'll fly high." - Sky Briggs, licensed Maryland pilot

"I'd be nothing without Sky Briggs." - Abraham Lincoln

"Yeah, I made love with a mantee." - Sky Briggs

"Sky Briggs hunts women for sport." - Ban Ki-moon

"His dick looks like something you'd buy at Sears." - Anna Chapman

"Sky Briggs finances children's education by stealing bronze piping." - Michael Vick

"Hardwalkin, fastswimming, bigslappin, dolphin fuckin, claimjumpin Sky Briggs" - Sky Briggs Memorial Park Monteplier, Vermont