What Is Your Solution to Poverty?

"War." - FDR

"Gardening." - Michelle Obama

"Higher incarceration rates." - Mayor Ray Kelly

"The same as my solution to AIDS." - Joseph Ratzinger

"The Great Wyrm." - Nancy Reagan

"Soylent Green." - Paul Ryan

"Whatever is most patronizing." - Elizabeth Warren

"Me." - Bono

"Haw haw haw! Jay, get this asshole out of here." - Barack Obama

"Well, I guess we should redistribute the wealth, starting with the land, rebuild the country from the ground up. I don't know. 'Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.'" - George W. Bush, ruefully surveying Prairie Chapel Ranch at night

"What exactly is the problem?" - David Cameron

How Do You Like Your Kool-Aid?

"Marketed as fruit juice." - New York Times

"On a silver platter." - Wall Street Journal

"Cut with champagne." - Financial Times

"Cut with insulin." - FOX News

"Mixed with methanol, ethylene glycol, diesel, naphthalene, xylene, hydrogen chloride, toluene, ethylbenzene, diethanolamine, formaldehyde, sulfuric acid, thiourea, benzyl chloride, cumene, nitrolotracetic acid, dimethyl formamide, phenol, benzene, di(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate, acrylamide, hydrogen fluouride, phthalic anhydride, acetaldehyde, acetophenone, copper, ethylene oxide, lead, prpylene oxide, and p-xylene." - T. Boone Pickens

"Brought to me by VISA." - an Olympics fan

"Via intravenous drip." - CNN

"Blue." - Huffington Post

"Red." - Revolutionary Communist Party USA

"Green." - California

"Sour." - Democracy Now!

"Black." - the Editors

Sex Creature From the Skies!

"We are the Batman and Robin of the ancien regime! To patriarchy and the Tsar!" - Paul Ryan at the Romney/Ryan Rally for Reactionary Retrenchment, Roanoke

"Paul Ryan is in the race, now things can get real Fuck!" - Wolf Blitzer

"I just keep giving up more for less and less."
"Yeah, now you now how people who have payroll taxes feel."
- Mitt and Eric Ferhrstrom

"Sevens or snake-eyes damned if I can tell!" - Barack Obama leaping upon the craps table and punching Jay Carney in the face

"Human beings are hardly even people." - Paul Ryan condemning the poor to Eternal Night

"Dance with me and live forever." - Rafalca

"Medicare Is For Pussies!" - Romney/Ryan 2666

"What if we don't even fucking matter anymore?" - Tagg to his brothers

"The boy reminds me of myself before I inhaled the gold dust in Denali." - Ron Paul on Paul Ryan

"I'm harder than Chinese algebra." - David Koch, on the Pick

"... a kind of... supersensual abstraction... a pure electricity of the thighs... an infinite sexual delight..." - John Boehner to Mitt Romney at Paul Ryan's coming of age/circumcision ceremony

"An evil daemon crosses the sky! Do you not see it?!" - Barack Obama to Jim Messina, taking mescaline under the burning desert sun

"Late summer despair... a dark wood at the edge of town... the murmur of a thousand distant voices... every one of them, screaming..." - Ann Romney receiving transmission from the planet Equus

Let's All Kill Each Other

"How wonderful it would be to forget all this." - Barack Obama

"Ecstasy is the experience of waste." - Jared Loughner

“For its basic maintenance, our society requires a quantity of people of certain intelligence that does not occur naturally and cannot be sustainably produced. We’re fucked.” - James Eagan Holmes

“There is no such thing as right or wrong, only what we have the strength to resist.” - Anders Breivik

"There is no light at the end of the tunnel, only an ever more rich and complex misery." - Seung-Hui Cho

"Guns aren't the problem. America is the problem." - Rush Limbaugh

"I don't think anything can explain it." - George Zimmerman

"What's with your women's teeth? And everything smells like cunt." - Mitt Romney addressing Parliament

"They're all a bunch of damn dykes!" - Prince Philip, scandalized by female athletes

"Watersports." - Harry Wales

"Olympic worms, they swim through my cerebellum, dream to die, Billy!" - Brian Williams thrashing around in the Thames

"It's called Slumdog Industrial Millionaire and the Ecstasy of Victoria. Not even the Nazis could top this shit." - Danny Boyle on the Opening Ceremony

"I just want to be paid." - Michael Phelps diving into the Avocado Pool

"One of us, one of us!" - the US Women's Gymnastic Team flipping down the street after a Cockney dosser

"I've got Olympic fever, but I can't get through the checkpoints to the hospital!" - Boris Johnson, deformed by gout

"I'd have preferred fucking." - HM on Olympic cheerleaders

"You dare serve me mashed peas?" - Matt Lauer before savagely striking a bar maid, Sussex

"Why did I say it, Mr. Leader? Commanding the Olympics taught me I could do anything, lead anyone—or overcome them by force of arms. Before Mitt puts his hands upon it, there were no Olympic Lanes and the athletes drove to games like mere mortals. They know they're not. They are something greater, the Thunder Chattel. So when I watch some limey like Cameron condescend to me about 'his games' and 'his people,' well, it just reminds me where I should be: in control. This pageant of capital only dances when there's a Leader humming its melody, whip in hand." - Mitt Romney to a captive Ed Miliband, floor of Wembley Stadium

The Working Man

"Governor, how do you balance your love of Springsteen with your hatred of the working man?"
"Fiber."
- Katie Couric, Chris Christie

"The first great discovery a man makes is that ours is a class society. The second is that nothing can change this." - Mitt Romney

"Welcome to the White Boy Café, where the only thing on the menu is pain." - R. W. Fassbinder

"The most important thing is that we distance ourselves from this as much as possible." - NCAA President Mark Emmert on Penn State

"Do you know what's the worst part of being a failure at the age of twenty-three?"
"No, what is it?"
"The rest of your life."
- Jamie Waylett, E! News interview

"The sword forgives even as it cuts." - Lloyd Blankfein carving a swath through the poor

Commies are red
Coppers are blue
Vengeance is sweet
One divides into two
- Kris Kristofferson, Shake Hands with the Wall

"It's still going to be banal, but at least it will have a dick in it." - Michael Fassbender on anything he does

"Jesus, Henry, what the hell do I do?"
"Remember, Mr. President, they are miniature psychopaths. Like the Communist, the only thing they understand is force."
- Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger babysitting

"I've run up against a very basic problem: I don't believe the work we do here matters. I have not the slightest spontaneous inclination to do my work well, or even to do it at all, because I literally see no difference between 'good' work and 'bad' work, or, for that matter, between 'good' and 'bad.'" - Richard Clarke, declassified memo

"I had a great time meeting the Dalai Lama. He told me about the Four Noble Truths: Life is suffering, Suffering is caused by desire, Suffering can be stopped, Suffering can be stopped by allowing the job creators to satisfy their desires." - Mitt Romney, world leader

"You'll never fucking retire." - Michael Bloomberg to an outdated fax machine

"It's a trap!"

- Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance Fleet Admiral Ackbar on work, love, sex, marriage, family, fame, success, wealth, poverty, hope, despair, religion, education, nationalism, life in the theater, the entertainment industry, the private sector, the public sector, resignation, resistance, two-party political systems, one-party political systems, parliamentary democracy, managed democracy, capitalism, populism, liberalism, socialism, communism, utopianism, pragmatism, refusing to give beggars money because you work hard for yours and anyways they don't look so bad off, that's a nice shirt they're wearing, and is that really her baby?; on losing your virginity; on the woman you love taking you by the hand and whispering in your ear that she loves you, too; on buying that car; on buying that house; on taking out those student loans; on taking that corporate gig to pay them off; on master's degrees; on PhD's; on MFA's, MBA's, MD's and JD's; on for-profit colleges; on not-for-profit colleges; on giving up on your dreams; on following them; on Citizens United; on a house divided; on Objectivism, Scientology, libertarianism, and Landmark; on mortgage-backed securities, credit default swaps, publicly financed bailouts, and the return to normalcy; on New York City; on Silicon Valley; on Dubai, Tokyo, São Paolo, Mexico City, Caracas, and every major city in India and China; on Russia, Poland, and the Balkans; on Southeast Asia; on all of Africa; on Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, the two-state solution, and the coming insurrection; on Fortress London and the Hunger Olympiad; on public housing, shanty towns, gated communities, and communes; on schools, prisons, factories, mines, and offices; on nursing homes, call centers, butcher shops, and glue factories; on standing still; on running away; on not doing anything about it and whatever the opposite of that is; on the light at the end of the tunnel; on life under the gathering clouds.