Too Much Damn Love

"A woman will come forth shortly with allegations, and I wanted you to know first, Wolf, they are false." - Herman Cain on CNN, essentially

"Gold Medals!!!" - Ginger White, leaping from the high dive, 1984 Summer Olympics Qualifying Round

"I realize that both the woman's name, Ginger White, and occupation, fitness instructor, make this appear as some kind of joke, and I assure you we are treating it as such." - John Edwards, Campaign Minister of Information

"No, no, this kind of thing would never trip me up. Cain's affairs are too normal and simple, they do not challenge the imagination and he will not escape. You need to mystify them and thrill them, give them something they'd never expect and then cum all over it!" - an increasingly excited Bill Clinton eating lunch with Jon Stewart, Scores, Midtown

"People doubted whether fucking like this was possible, but now we have shown the world!" - Mark Block

"Damn, Cain, he had it all but he wanted pussy on the reg with it!"
- Rick Parry, Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness, ID

"I wanna make you scccreeeeeaaaammmm!!!!!!!"
- Herman Cain, Live in Baghdad

Blackest Ever Friday

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Vow of Obscurity

Let the rare be for the rare.
Success, like love, I utterly reject.
To be the leaf which clogs the gutter,
Indistinguishable in decay,
That is my proper lot.
If I have driven just one of you to violence
My task is complete.

- Rick Parry, A Farewell to My Constituents

We Were Republicans

"Let the rare be for the rare." - Jon Huntsman, on his candidacy

"Philistines get ahead." - Ron Paul

"I'm not asking, 'Do you believe in God?' I'm asking, 'Are you going to church today?'" - Michele Bachmann to Rick Santorum on whether he will even bother voting

"And as they sat hand in hand, watching the sun set on Tampa, waiting expectantly for a glimpse of the green ray, they wondered if they would ever see each other again. The answer, dear reader, was yes. We shall all see each other again in Hell." - The Romance of Chastity and Tod, Superdelegates by Herman Cain

"Bilious Ass Seeks Psychotic Power Mad Wife." - Personal Ad in Reader's Digest placed by Newt Gin-Ginch, Fred Thompson, and Rudy Giuliani, 1998

Des Moines Overrun by Latin-Speaking Spiders After Gin-Ginch Rally

"Capitalism, like faith, lifts us up from wretchedness to superior wretchedness." - Willard Romney

"I mean, lets be honest, the only thing less likely than Barack Obama winning is any of the people on this stage tonight winning." - Rick Parry

"Re-elected or reëlected?" - notes scrawled in pencil in the margins of a New Yorker by Barack Obama

Glitter and Doom

"What lights on the horizon... New York City... Imperium Galactica... shimmering obelisk of our collective virility..." - Michele Bachmann, Acela Express

"Never goad the gaucho on a night of whiskey!" - Jon Huntsman, awoken from an afternoon nap, Dunlip, NH

"Supercollider, slip it inside her, big saucer eyes, knife in the wood, night in the wood..." - John Kyl freezing to death in Catalina State Park, AZ

"Do you side with Cuba, or with the renegade forces of Col. Octavio Montonyez?" - Herman Cain to frightened 23-year old GOP Super Delegate Mary Lee Davis

"I am exactly what I appear to be!" - Rick Parry, draped in lion pelt

"Truly you are the animal trainer who makes the mindless instinctual rage of the killer art in motion." - Jerry Brown to Linda Katehi

"Doctor, I'm done, I'm throwin' in the towel!"
"You're not dead yet, boy!"
"No, Doc, I don't want to live!"
"You ain't got a choice, boy!"
"No, Doc, no!"
"Yes, boy, yes! There's something worse than dyin', boy: you gotta keep livin'!"
- John Boehner performing surgery on a burn victim Eric Cantor

"Jesus, my goddam skin itches, draw me another bath." - Mitch McConnell

"Goddam crabs keep following me everywhere..." - Chuck Schumer

"We're the same, you and me..." - Mike Tyson to Karl Rove

"Don't listen to 'Volcano' or you'll never love again." - Orrin Hatch to Bill Paxton

"Pleasure is blackmail." - New Gingrinch

"Chem trails.... rockets in the night... am I in love... or is this just biopolitics?" - Herman Cain

As Heard On Brooklyn Bridge

"One, two, three: Fuck the bourgeoisie! Four, five, six: Fuck the bourgeoisie!"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Police."
"Police who?"
"Police don't beat me!"

"Pigs can fly! Pigs can fly!"
(in response to police helicopter flyover)

"Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, Occupy!"

John Brown's Body

"Can I get a temperature check on United NY?"
(unanimous down twinkles)

"All day, all week, Occupy Wall Street!"
(AFL-CIO workers at the Henry Street Ale House)

"I think I saw Ryan Gosling at Zuccotti Park! He was like, 'Hey girl, occupy my heart.'"

"Bloooooomberg, fuuuuuck you! Bloooooomberg, fuuuuuck you!"

"I had a great time tonight! Do you want to get together again some time?!"

See You In Hell

Theater of Cruelty

"I am more interested in theater as metaphor than as medium. All of the arts should aspire to the qualities of theater: its capacity to simultaneously transfix the imagination and expose the apparatus of representation; the mixture of intimidation and seduction by which it induces in the spectator a visceral feeling of intensity, of the reality of their physical co-presence with real bodies and real objects in a real space in real time; the threatening nature of this corporeality; the simmering sense of potential possessed by the living act."

To which the young clerk said, "But Justice Scalia, how do you reconcile such... decadent aesthetics with the textual literalism of your jurisprudential philosophy?"

To which the Justice replied, "Open your mouth, boy, and I shall show you."

Don't Touch Me, I'm a Marxist

"I'm in the fuck business." - Larry Summers to Li Yuanchao

"Whereof one cannot speak, one must fuck." - Hu Jintao, Dr. Hu's Guide to Harmonious Fucking

"Yo, if I wanna say the Afghan government is a Tampa Bay fuck den, I'll call it like a rooster!" - The Next Commander of Afghanistan

"Every time you lick your iPod, Steve Jobs' balls tingle in Hell." - a Recent Graduate

"Accept my gift of Scouts, Willard, they will do whatever you bid. Or do you do me a dishonor?" - Rick Parry to Willard Romney

"But, Citizen Robespierre, the Revolution will eat it's own children!"
"Baby wants to fuck!"

"What is there left to fuck?" - Schubert, upon hearing Beethoven's Late Quartets

"Just as love in its first flowering is in a sense immortal, so loneliness lasts forever." - Paul Krugman

"We are all sodomites now." - Trojan Condoms

"No one is more come-on-to than the girl who is really cute but also still approachable-looking. I fucking hate it. It makes me want to die." - Your Barista

BrOccupy Penn State

"All that was once directly lived has become mere representation. There is no exterior to Spectacle. It is violence and destruction that we want in our own lives, the power to negate what we oppose, repel our adversaries, and defend our own existence, abilities that the State has taken from us. This is our battle to take it back, but we do not wish to take it for any representable/representational entity, be it 'Penn State,' '#occupy,' or a black bloc. These are joys, but they’re not joys of a role. We must not capture violence within the riot. Instead we must create new opacities which release violence for all." - Joe Paterno



Four girls in heels danced on the roof of a parked sport utility vehicle and dented it when they fell after a group of men shook the vehicle. College Fuck Fest shares skyrocketed.



"I die for the damn flag, creeds and leaders be damned!" - Timothy, Sigma Chi pledge

“You are hysterics who demand a new master. You will get one.”
- John Surma, Penn State University Board of Trustees Vice Chairman


"I'm not here to offer any alternative to organized protest, but rather to call into question the problematic impulse of any pretense towards creating any viable alternative to it. The negation of organization and of representation is ontological terrorism, a negation which finds the negative commune situated within the collective refusal of subjectivication, not further encroachment within it! Refusing to engage in acts of representation, but rather exploring spaces of opacity in which destruction can occur outside of any schematizing logic--this is the antipolitics of non-subjective refusal." - Jerry Sandusky

Death By Simultaneity

"Hey, we don't have to take this shit anymore!" - Ohio/Mississippi/Maine

"Your shit is void!" - the Noble Magistrate, Nashville, TN

"When I hear the word 'progressive,' I reach for my gun."
- Noam Chomsky

“Who votes in Greece: Germans or Greeks?” - Silvio Berlusconi in a fit of thoughtfulness

"Communism is yobs plus bitter plus streets!" - David Cameron in a fugue state

"Apple is a classic Stalinist system. I give it five years ."
- Mark Zuckerberg

"Oh no, to pretend that I missed Andy Rooney would be ageist tokenism. I'll see him in Hell for sure." - Charlie Rose

"I did nothing. I am an innocent victim of an iterative process (not a system) that is stacked against me, my height, my family's poverty, and the color of my skin." - Joe Paterno quoting Herman Cain on the Today Show

"I read an article about a man who stabbed his wife and broke the knife while it was inside her chest. This, to me, is the truest failure of Chinese manufacturing." - Willard Romney, in a speech endorsing Rick Parry for President

"Fuck, marry, kill : anarchy, social democracy, Democrats."
- Ben Bernanke

"God’s love is leveling violence.” - Book of Cain 9:99

“Look, all I'm saying is, man, just remember: most instantaneous, messianic revolutions have been romantically overrated, their lingering effects underanalyzed. I mean, how confident are we that once the euphoria of triumph has faded, the movement won't just hire Paul Volcker, Bill Clinton, and Bono to stabilize an unwieldy economy? Will we climb highest mountains, scale city walls, only to fail, yet again, to find what we're looking for?" - Rick Parry, Demands Working Group

Herman Cain Hits on You in a Taxi

"My doctor told me babies really do come from storks and fucking was just invented to sow division among labor."

"There is no ecstasy I would not deny myself in order to deny you the same."

"A man like me has many enemies. Let's get naked."

"Our lovemaking would be like removing Ray Charles from History."

"Woman's suffrage."

“You’ve got to Occupy Wall Street from Within.”

"Oh, I haven't touched myself since I saw that new Almodovar film."

"I'm a potential rape victim. That's how I conceive of myself as a woman."

“I eat the crust.”

"We are falcon and falconer, you and I!"

“Parry’s right, it’s all about universal love.”

"Would you like to see Meek’s Cutoff with me? It’s a sort of feminist revisionist Western. It’s got Michele Williams, who I think is just a fine lady actor, and that Bruce Greenwood, whom I regard as a sort of thinking man's Michael Douglas."

"Gingrich told me you were a resume builder. Wanna be a server?"

"If you don't accept the rose of my manful charisma tonight, then I will burn Venice to the ground, dear lady."

"A squirrel waved to me in the park today. You're like a wet noodle in that dress."

"Sometimes when I get a burger I just get lettuce for the meat instead of a bun. Do you ever do that?"

Oakland Ⓐ's

"While reports are saying between 5,000 and 20,000 protesters blocked the port, it was more like 40,000. A three mile stretch of road, four lanes wide, was filled with every variety of demonstrator. The mood was festive and triumphant. It remained so until I left at 11:30. I witnessed the occupation of the once and, now, future home of the Traveler's Aid Society at 520 16th Street. Reclamation of foreclosed houses and buildings across Oakland had been proposed at the General Assembly I attended earlier in the evening, and there was also discussion of constructing a network that could respond to calls for help in cases of eviction. The details of such interventions never came up, but it was interesting to see a small group of anarchist facilitators, strategically placed in a group of 300 protesters, guiding liberal mothers, fathers, and AskJeeves spreadsheet monkeys toward subtle, but violent rejections of imperial right. I guess what I'm asking is, after a victory like shutting down the port of Oakland, are we experiencing a unique moment of momentum that should narrow our tactics, or can we burn the banks without compromising the movement?"

- question from the audience to Martha Stewart @Google Talks