Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Phantom Menace

"Okay, okay, I admit it: the Internet is a hoax!" - Al Gore
"Life is a struggle to accept defeat." - Al Gore

"I've never understood: Why do the poor have children?" - Al Gore 

“You don't care about these people. You don't have any relationship with them at all other than the one you inherited. Get the fuck out of here.” - a mildly drunk Al Gore chases College Democrats out of a soup kitchen

"It's not that I don't want to give you money. I'll give you the money, whatever you want. I just don't want to acknowledge that we exist in the same universe." - Al Gore to a homeless person or Tipper

"Help me. Help my body.” - Al Gore

"At worst, love makes people who shouldn't feel good about themselves at all feel great about themselves for no reason. At best, it is a way for two people to reassure themselves that they are not crazy, that there is some one else who understands just how bad things really are." - Al Gore

“Anyone who denies their own same sex attractions is a hypocrite and a hick.” – a mildly drunk Al Gore delivers the 2006 Maryville College commencement speech before trying to kiss the provost

"You know, I'm not sure I'll ever get laid again. Or want to. Handsome as I am (and I am too vain not to regard myself as handsome), I fear that my corporeal decrepitude has taken me out of the game for good. No matter how interesting and charming some one is, if their body is repulsive, they will be alone forever, sexually at least. I know this is true because it's true for me: I cannot desire anyone with a body like mine, and so I do not expect anyone to desire me. I could change my life in an effort to become desirable, but why? I've been lucky enough to experience reciprocated romantic love once, and that will have to do. If I'm unlucky in love, I am lucky in friendship. Thank God I have you all to help me through it." - Al Gore to his dollhouse

"Girls have it more often!" - George W. Bush, soft but loud in Al Gore's ear

"Make love, goddamnit,  real love!" - Al Gore yelling at the television during the Super Bowl XLVII blackout

“Why did you do it?”
“I’m a gambling addict.”
- Michael Jordan and Al Gore, watching their children scavenge garbage off Space Jam Highway

"I spend most my life wishing I were dead." - Al Gore

"Every time I trim my beard, no matter how little I take off, I am immediately overcome with regret, and what's worse is that no one else seems to notice the change, it's just a horrible, existential stain that only I can see, and it gets the point where, lacking the ratification of my self-perception by others, I hardly even know what's real any more." - Al Gore to Ted Nugent

"If you just structure your life around having regular, tidy bowel movements, everything else locks into place." - Al Gore, in fluent Japanese, in an onsen at the base of Mt. Fuji, December 29, 1989

No comments:

Post a Comment