"Look up, boys! The work week is over! It's time for the hellish, Darwinian struggle of trying to get laid in a major American city!" - New York City Park Supervisor For Life Bill Clinton, Casual Friday
"I used to dream of triumphant orgies. Now I dream of losing my bladder in job interviews." - Millennial Maggie
"Two words, Holden: incurable gonorrhea." - Martin Peretz to Peter Beinart
"The numbers add up, fuckers! Scores!" - Peter Higgs
"Whores are the mine canaries of modernity." - Balzac, whacked out on mezcal
"Yes, loneliness is awful, but love is much worse." - Donald Trump
"Report me to the sexual authorities!" - David Zuma Letterman
"Sex with men is rape." - Goethe
"Be my Victimtine." - Vladimir Putin
"Fingerpaint me." - Newt Gin Ginch,
Titanic 3D
"Love is against my principles." - John Yoo, Heart and Dagger Saloon, Oakland
"You can frighten off a bear, boys, but you have to fight a cougar." - Peggy Noonan to a terrified group of Cub Scouts
"Why have the love you deserve when you could have the love you can afford?" - Jamie Dimon
"We all dine alone." - Larry Summers
"All my successes only make me more lonely." - Richard Branson to Boris Johnson, Scores, Singapore
"Go long enough without getting laid and horniness and introspection become indistinguishable." - James Franco
"I vacillate between the atheism that results from rational deliberation and the instinctive anti-theism, that is, belief in and rejection of God, that results from a lifetime of not getting laid." - Richard Dawkins
"Sleep with as many women as you can and roll the fucking dice every single damn time." - a man to himself twenty years earlier
"The people you know can be divided into two categories: those who know that you're a fucking miserable creep, and those who don't." - Bill Murray
"Life is a joke and I am the punch line." - Joe Biden
"Tits are NASCAR but legs are F1." - Country Legend Randy Travis
"Susan, I hear you like cunt, is that right? Well, that makes one of us." - Norman Mailer running into Susan Sontag while on vacation in Malta
"Oh, no, ugly people don't feel love. Only jealousy, rage, bitterness, and hate. Ugly people have worse lives." - Rachel Dratch
"Sometimes I think about runnin' my hands on women's bodies, on they legs, on the small of they backs, it all just gets too much, Doctor!" - Eric Cantor
"God created suffering for His amusement." - Lars von Trier, Judy Garland biopic
"I
can't tell you how lonely I am, that's the problem! No matter what I say, you'll never understand, and the gulf between the feeling and its expression grows ever wider, ever deeper for our trying to bridge it. I behold it: I am it." - John Boehner ignoring a call from John Roberts
"Who are you to stand between me and my unhappiness?" - Anthony Weiner, confronted about his Second Life addiction by Jon Stewart
"Thank God for insurrectionist Quebecois with live streams, cheap 24 oz. beers that taste like bananas, and this roof in Chinatown." - Greg Kelly
"Don't believe the confidence men. Getting rejected is not only utterly humiliating for you, it does real harm to the person you force to reject you." - Lord Byron, last words in Greece
"I am occasionally tempted to get more serious about being chaste, but I am too lazy to reify my subjectivity." - Matthew McConaughey
"Listen to Schnittke and die." - Paul Krugman, entire speech to the World Economic Forum
"Why do you do this to yourself, son?"
"Didn't anyone tell you, Doctor? Life is horrible."
- Dr. John Boehner, self-inflicted cougar attack victim Eric Cantor
"If you ever find yourself in the classic 'Which one do I shoot?!?' scenario, just shoot them both and hope for the best."
"Isn't the classic scenario predicated on having only one bullet?"
"No, it's predicated on repressed knowledge that all love ends in betrayal."
- Kathryn Bigelow, Josh Brolin
"If I'd known you were a reactionary, I'd have tried harder to seduce you." - Mao Zedong to Madeline Albright, Scores, Hell, 2031
"Like how in airplane crashes you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help your fellow passengers, man, I need to get laid before I can do literally anything." - Rob Lowe
"It was time to admit to myself that I had failed and move on." - Mark Zuckerberg on why he got married
"In medical terms, loneliness is characterized by a consistent, throbbing pain." - Sanjay Gupta
"...the irrational, irrepressible, eternally recurring belief that this weekend, somehow this weekend will be different, this weekend
I will not be alone..." - Rutger Hauer, the Guinness Diaries
"Part of what makes revolutionaries miserable (and unbearable to be around) is that for them, everyone who is not a revolutionary, which is the overwhelming majority of people, is not a good person. They see themselves as lonely colossi condemned to the company of dwarfs. Consequently, they can neither love nor be loved." - Julian Assange
"Ugly people know that they don't deserve to be loved, not even to ask for it. At a certain intellectual level, they may even reject it. But that doesn't stop their bodies from dragging them into it." - Chris Christie
"I was twenty-six when I realized that women could be sexually attractive without being beautiful simply because they were young or because they had exaggerated curves. It was also the year that I set my ideals aside and dedicated myself to earning as much money as possible. Who can say which realization begat the other?" - Robert Pattinson
"I was making love to the umpteenth woman that month and I couldn't remember who she was or how we met or what city we were in and I couldn't stop the Act, I was becoming more and more trapped with each successive thrust I fell deeper and deeper until I let out a horrible scream but she couldn't hear me, couldn't hear me over her own ecstatic cries and I thought, my God, I'm so alone, can't anyone hear me?!" - Michael Fassbender as John Edwards
"Nothing really matters in life, my dear friend. I'm trying my best to enjoy as long as I can. Trying to make anything meaningful is just a waste. So join me. Its not that bad. It could and should be much worse for us." - Tom Cruise, letter in a bottle addressed to David Beckham
"Stop telling your friend that 'surely' he or she could get laid if he or she just tried. Just because
you like your friend, just because
you think they're a 'great person' does not mean that
anyone actually wants to sleep with them. There is a gulf that separates your friendship from an actionable sexual attraction, a gulf the length and depth of which you, by definition of your relationship, cannot possibly fathom." - Oliver Sacks, Williams College freshman orientation sex-positive seminar
"It's harder to meet people as we age, but those we do meet are more desperate. So, I'm not saying it evens out, but you certainly can't give up yet. Maybe that's even more discouraging." - Eduardo Saverin to Li Yipeng
"Unconditional love is love that is absolute and, therefore, irrational. Unconditional love, by definition, is not predicated on any quality of the loved person, such as beauty, intelligence, wit, talent, or skill. Unconditional love is an existential commitment to someone based on nothing other than the mere fact of their existence. It is simply a physical fact, a wound, usually stemming from a traumatic episode that brings two or more people into involuntary and irreversible intimacy, such as childhood, parenthood, college, military service, or fucking. Unconditional love ratifies your existence: it tells you that it is OK to be alive, that simply being there is good enough. Our need for it, and our tendency to languish without it, is what separates us from mere matter, which persists indifferently regardless of whether or not it is loved. It's the one thing every human being needs and the one thing you can't ask of any one, because if they asked you why they should love you, the answer is literally for no reason. It is said that love has to be built, worked at, that it's a fire that must be tended—a cliché that gets it half right. It's not that love has to be fostered. It has to be endured. The effort we put into loving goes not into sustaining love, but into sustaining ourselves under its horrible weight." - Richard Nixon to Nikita Khruschev, The Coin-Operated Bed Debate
"This is pure social media accelerationism, drawing us nearer to Facebook's fate as a mere repository for simulated self-loathing. Outsource your grief to a digital abyss of idle snarkiness and be free." - Global EVP of Investment Banking, Goldman Sachs, upon losing the Facebook IPO underwriting bid to Morgan Stanley
"I can do anything that doesn't require self-confidence, so suicide is unfortunately off the table for now." - an undated post-it note by David Foster Wallace
"Writing down our fantasies is our last line of defense against enacting them." - the Marquis
