Eulogy for Minos

Hello. You all know who I am:
I am Andrew Starner.
King Minos is dead.
King Minos is dead.
He is dead.
Go on, say it with me.
Oh, you can say it now,
without fear:
King Minos is dead
and King Minos was a tyrant.
He was a tyrant,
and he was a fool
and he was a cuckold.
He was a fool who lost his wife, who lost his daughter
and lost his son, the beast, the Minotaur.
For years he has brought our island to the brink of despair.
King Minos is dead and he has left no heir.
I ask you,
who among you has the will, the authority,
and the sexual fertility
to take his throne?