Monday, January 31, 2011

Exile Mubarak to America...

... and Other Scenarios In Which Good and Evil Triumph Simultaneously


"Once Barack silences Mubarak, all is as night and women walk as the jaguar." - Joe 'Robinette' Biden

"People criticize, but, you see, I'm different. I didn't have to have everything go all my way. I've left at least." - Ben Ali to Katie Couric

"More popcorn shrimp!" - Hosni Mubarak

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Editors Go To Egypt


"Vilija, fire up the Ski-doo! We're going to Cairo to crack some heads!" - Vladimir Putin

"If we must ride to Cairo, I will not spare the Sphinx this time." - Sarkozy

"I built this tank of white wine bottles, you wog." - Charles de Gaulle

"But how can you support freedom in Tunisia while opposing it in Egypt?"
"Bipartisanship."
- Robert Gibbs

"That dark shadow that haunts your nightmares, that caped vision bearing swift and violent justice--is it a ghost? Some imagined spirit? No, it is I, Zorro the Fox!" - Joe Biden, chasing the Egypt delegation from the UN

"Most heroic of all, the Egyptian people still flood the streets, still know when and where to meet without the Internet, without social networking's instantaneous freedom. I'm baffled they even get up in the morning." - Thomas Friedman

"Loath though I am to say it, People of North Africa: You're welcome." - Bono

"Supporting Mubarak is a deadly mistake. The People will win, probably before the week is out. A dictator may learn to forget in exchange for shiny fighter jets and a blind eye, but the Dictatorship of the People will remember that at its birth you, you vile and debased hypocrites, you mealymouthed imperialists, you rooted for abortion. You could have toasted victory with us. Instead, you lined up against the wall beside Mubarak." - Nicki Minaj, Saturday Night Live

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hemorrhoids of the Mind

"Hommelette I am your friar's skillet." - James Joyce, on abortion

"O, Time, destroyer, carry me on! Hasten me towards Death! Life is a suicide mission." - Vladimir Putin

"Do not drink of the poisoned cup of Youth." - Silverio Berlusconi

"Cocaine is the Thanksgiving Day of drugs" - Pierce Brosnan

"You can't catch me! Watch as I drink all the King's wine and fuck the Queen's swan!" - Erasmus

Socialism in Tunisia! Democracy in Egypt! Somalia in Yemen!



Monday, January 24, 2011

Blog-Blasting, Brain-Blowing Benediction!


"That quote is the fire testament." - Nikola Tesla

"You are Air Jordans with chocolate laces." - Prince Rogers Nelson

"I'm glad I'm now immortalized in a blog! It has been a lifelong dream of mine. I'd like to thank my parents and my beautiful mops and brooms for keeping my floors so clean. I'd also like to give a shout out to my producer, Jimmy the Gin God." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"I quit hearing quotes after a session in the shed." - former contributing editor Jonathan Franzen

"When Cherie found out I was reading it, she hid my magic wafers and my black t-shirt." - Tony Blair

"I don't know how to read!!!" - Eric Cantor

"If those boys had any sense they'd bury it for a thousand years and only release on microfilm. Damnation, my steamboat is leavin'! Stop the General Buell, boys!" - Mark Twain

The King's Speech


'Everyone's abuzz: they took off Mickey's head and He's just a man! in a Rolls! What are all these pink things around me?! Why won't they stop laughing? The People roar for more, but what is there left of spectacle now? Everything a lie. Nothing worth living for. Waking up is simply a bad habit. Waking up is wasted potential. Any damn fool lizard man who comes onto my land will die by the sword!--Cool it, shit head! The Money Men are getting nervous!'

- His Royal Highness The Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales and Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Great Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight of the Order of Australia, Companion of the Queen's Service Order, Honorary Member of the Saskatchewan Order of Merit, Chief Grand Commander of the Order of Logohu, Member of Her Majesty's Most Honourable Privy Council, Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, at his coronation, 2026.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Neo-Nihilism



"It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late." - E.M. Cioran