On Eunuchs, Being a Warning to the Reader Against Their Strange and Irresistible Charms

“What’s the matter, Theodora?”
“I just can’t get that beautiful eunuch off my mind.”
- Justinian I & Theodora

“Eunuch is an ancient word for ‘celebrity.’” - Anderson Cooper visiting Tesla Headquarters on 60 Minutes

“Can’t win a war, huh? Too busy fiddling with your dick.” - Zheng He

“The decline of eunuchism makes it clear that any notion of human progress since the Renaissance is a lie.” - Michel Houellebecq

“In a Sex Empire, the man with no penis is king!” - Bryan Cranston abandons acting for Freedom from Genitalia Movement

“Have you ever danced with a eunuch in the pale moonlight?”
- Bill Clinton

“Yes, you’re right…” - a king, raised from birth to believe in his personal divine mandate to wield brute power over other men, heeds the counsel cooed in his ear by the beguiling sexless waif who dresses him

“The voice of a eunuch is as the rustling of grass… by a snake!”
- Aristotle to the young Alexander

“Lol, man, I could listen to eunuch jokes for 100 years.” - Marcus Aurelius

“Whoever wins the dance contest shall be spared the lions to continue to serve Our pleasure.” - Sen. Chevy Cruz to his eunuchs, Tampa Hippodrome

“What charity do you represent? Show your wrists, show your mark!”
- Lance Armstrong to a band of hooded eunuchs on horseback by torchlight

Putin Claims Nemstov ‘Overtaken by Eunuchs’

“I just like the convenience of bourgeois technical supremacy.”
- Martha Stewart on her Cyber Eunuch with Peter Usinov AI

“Surely migrant workers are cheaper than robot servants?”
“Of course they are, but what use is an invisible labor force as a status symbol?”
- Tim Cook and Jony Ive

“What do you mean you don’t have a eunuch?”
“Are you sure this guy is white?”
- Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein on Barbara J. Desoer

“The love of a eunuch is perfect because unobtainable. Without genital sex, how can you ever be sure?”
“That’s ridiculous. Non-genital sex is the only way to be sure.”
“You’re both wrong. Anything that can be bought can be had.”
“A man spends vast sums on a eunuch only to know the ecstasy of what wealth cannot buy, which in turn spurs him on to new heights of acquisition, new depths of expenditure. Love is not the consummation but eternal striving.”
- Clinton, Putin, Warren Buffet, and then Putin again at the Symposium