Fuck Goes to the Movies

"Hey, remember movies? This is a movie!" - Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Willard Romney on The Artist

"Even more of a self-aggrandizing guilt trip about the unfortunate necessity of penetration to heterosexuality than the novel."
- Newt Gin Ginch on Norwegian Wood

"I mean, how long must gay men carry the burden of symbolizing depravity for straight audiences?" - Rick Parry on Shame

"My favorite movie since Juno." - Rick Santorum on Young Adult

"Finally, a spy movie that understands you have to kill the only chick so you can go back home and feel some hairy arms." - Jon Huntsman on Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

"The movies? I can fuck my wife, young man." - Ron Paul

Death Comes Rippin' Cross the Plains

"Well, a friend of mine, Tom—Tom, are you here? There he is! My friend Tom here wrote this haiku, I'd like to read it to you. It's called 'The Choice,' and it goes:

A Jesus Fascist
A Libigotarian
A Mormon Ken Doll

Isn't that great? But really, it's a big decision, folks. How do we want American democracy to die?" - Willard Romney

"How can you doubt my power and magnanimity? I will make one out of every four Iowa voters high tenors in my tabernacle choir." - Willard Romney talking real close to Soledad O'Brien, Badger Bite, Iowa

"Look, my baby died. I am a victim. I have a right to infinite justice. And because I cannot avenge myself on God, I shall avenge myself on women—Gabriel's life was worth more than that of every single woman in this country. Because he died, no unwanted pregnancy must ever be terminated. If you don't understand that, you're insane." - Rick Santorum

"I love the primary system, it is the last true Contest in our decadent and effeminate culture." - Ron Paul

"Look here you shit, this used to be about space, dinosaurs, and my mother's brain, now it's about fucking vengeance." - Newt Gin Ginch to a gassy and uncomfortable John King

"If you are able to say that corporations, SuperPACS, and wealthy candidates can essentially buy elections (which they can), then you are already speaking from a position of superiority relative to the voting public. Whereas the public responds merely robotically to political advertising, you are informed, critical, and make genuine political decisions. Whereas the public is ignorant, you understand, understand not only politics, but the gap that separates your intelligence from that of the public--you can even measure it in dollars, a tacit admission that what separates you from them is not an inborn quality but your human capital, that is, the money that has been invested in your socialization. Point is, you're not criticizing the corruption of democracy. You're criticizing democracy.” – Rick Parry at Occupy What Cheer, IA

"The foetus is the property of the entire society. Anyone having children is a deserter who abandons the laws of national continuity. We will show Barack Obama this is true! The streets of our country are in turmoil. The universities are filled with students rebelling and rioting. Communists are seeking to destroy our country. Mexico is threatening us with her might, and the Republic is in danger. Yes - danger from within and without. We need law and order! Without it our nation cannot survive." - Michelle Bachmann's Last Preposterum

"Idleness is the closest to happiness I have ever come." - Jon Huntsman

"You know, I can't believe it either, but some people just love cold pizza." - Herman Cain on his 58 votes

"Hey, it's me, Buddy!" - Buddy Roehmer

"Pass me the whiskey and the Tylenol." - GOP primary voter

"Come one, man, really. Fuck me." - Barack Obama to a college Democrat

Things I Have Lost

...hope, perspective, sight, face, weight, heart, touch, my keys, my job, my savings, the will to live, consciousness, composure, balance, the thread, the file, the password, fluency, patience, faith, innocence, youth, focus, the ability to do anything, all confidence in myself and others, some time, my train of thought, my socks, my memory, my sense of adventure, my virginity, my values, the fight, the opportunity, all belief in anything, all desire for anything, to do or to be anything, a world the other day, my house, my kids, my wife, my parents, my family, my grip, my groove, my teeth, my hair, my looks, my glasses, my sight, my speech, my sense of self, all respect for anything and any one, my homework, my values, my dignity, the receipt, some work, a bet, a fortune, the big game, the remote, the signal, my phone, your number, the girl that got away, a lot of friends, my ticket, my temper, my head, my marbles, my moral compass, all sense of propriety, all sense of proportion, control, the lead, the battle, the war, the debate, your attention, the election, my mojo, my mind, my shit, my voice, my place, your book, my life, my nerve, my lunch, my wits, my way, your support, it all…

- from the diary of Barack Obama, November 5, 2012

I Hate You, New York

B, a young man, walks through a subway tunnel. Green tile walls and cement floors. Run-off stains drip like sludge coffee, grounds and all, down from the street, the muted roar of which can be still be heard through grates. Dark water pools rise out of the nowhere beneath the cement, seep down handicapped-friendly inclines and spiral around drains avoided by passersby with more or less assiduousness depending on their exhaustion or hurry (each begetting the other). Shitty florescent lights, tall black pillars. Small white plastic bulbs sheath rotating cameras that surveille everything so that the transit cops with permanent headaches who spend twelve-hour shifts beneath the surface don’t have to. (In winter, Tour One, six a.m. to six p.m., never sees the sun.) Everything is so dense, nothing can stand out. You could fall forever just standing still. A place where nothing is possible.

- from the diary of Barack Obama, December 1981

Bad News From Home

Dear Son Boy,

I hope this finds you hail and well. As you know our failure in the forests cost Grampy two of his best hounds and all of us a good part of our honor. Our meagre Yule fare served not to cheer the old man even though parsimony and abstinence are our want, our way, and our weight in the world. In consequence perhaps, Grampy has taken the ague and Aunt Cilla doctors to him. Upon visiting he speaks of little but that cat and its path of destruction. Uncle 'Lonzo yearns--I ponder that is the proper word--to set out again and hunt the beast. My own back has taken on a deep bone ache which slows me. Your Ma attributes it to causes both natural and supernatural but offers no remedy. Tonight we welcome the New Year alone--the Papists celebrate it as the circumcision of Jesus Christ. Whether we are here when you return from the village turns on the wishes of God and your Uncle 'Lonzo's persuasion.

Your Father,

A Humble Man

Steve Jobs Lives

Make Life Beautiful

Such erratic pranks are not without danger and one often has to pay dearly for them. But what is an eternity of damnation compared to an infinity of pleasure in a single second?