Primary By Ordeal

I. FIRST BLOOD

"There are no principles, there's only the way we want the world to be." - Trump

"You ever fucked a loaf of cornbread?" - Scott Walker to Bobby Jindall before the Carousel Debate

"Bring back the ivory trade!" - Mike Huckabee, Des Moines Zoo

"I joined the Party because I was a revolutionary, not because of any ideological nonsense." - Trump

"I am the hateful Thing." - Marco Rubio, naked in the mirror

"Death meat wagons!" - Jeb in the midst of starch withdrawal gestures wildly at Suburbans and Yukons filled with Florida Christians

"The latex body movement is underrated and had a profound influence on my confidence." - Lindsey Graham

"Do it, son!"
"No, father, no!"
"DO IT!"
- Jeb Bush bests his father in the fighting pit

"I will bathe in the blood of my foes as Lady Justice, with a sword of diamond." - Carly Fiorina cows trump in the Chevy Debate

"The meritocracy is more competitive than ever before." - David Brooks, real or fake?

"Hey, doll, pour me some of that jazzy Cuban coffee and let's make eyes." - Al Gore, having a stroke while tailing Rubio undercover in South Beach

"The Authority will handle this!"
"Why don't you handle it?"
"I don't even know how to begin to want to handle my own problems."
- the Voter

"No one can look upon the slaughterhouse and fail to recognize himself in it." - Obama

"That's me, I'm John Hurt!" - Jerry Brown watching Snowpiercer

"...and crocodiles are extraterrestrials." - Rand Paul

"If you put a glory hole in there, the right kind of person will show up." - Al Gore 2016

"Four million more years!" - symbiotes cheer Xtyhl Sanders for High Administrator-Priest of the Joint Lizard-Mecarthropod Co-Propserity Sphere

"Touch not the eggs!" - Arachnid Clinton

"Wall it up!"
"No gentlemen, everything can be a wall, even air!"
- the Republican Study Committee breaks up into the Freedom Caucus and the True Sight to the Eyeless Caucus

II. JURY INSTRUCTIONS IN THE TRIAL OF MANKIND

"My husband is a saxophone in the trio of the Kim trilogy of unicorns."

- Ri Sol-ju

"You of all people should have known: Love is not a meritocracy."
- Melania Trump casts Donald out of the airship

"People forget about me. They forget I played a pedophile clown in a 70's B-drama." - George Pataki

"How do I get in, Jeb?"
"To what, young lady?"
"The Deep State."
- Kittenkaboodle, Iowa, Jeb! Campaign stop where candidate increasingly appears unnerved

"The Will of the Law? No Mercy! The Will of the Law? No Mercy!" - Yale Law School Class of 2018 driven into a bloody frenzy by a visiting magistrate

"TPP is necessary, because we don't know what kind of democratic changes might undermine our neo-liberal economic order in the future." - Hillary Clinton, the Hampstead Kennel Debate double reversal

"Ouzu is clear!"
"No! It is cloudy in its true form!"
- Syriza splits

"You like Legos, huh? I bet I can fuck your shit up on any set." - Mitt strokes a space shuttle as he tries to convince the last Super-delegate, 13-year-old Peachy Grandwillow, not to vote for Trump

"It was chilling, of course, but sometimes I dream of the pagoda, and the pool in the garden." - Clinton on North Korea, dictation hour 3,216, My Life: The Rest of My Life

"I play to people's fantasies... I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration--and a very effective form of promotion." - Donald Trump in his memoir, The Art of the Deal

"I will be president and we will have Cuba, I made a promise to the Bacardis and a blood oath to La Causa!" - Marco Rubio, only candidate to appear at Univision GOP Debate

"Nonsense. I love rum." - statement released by the Jeb! Campaign, candidate not seen in public in 4 months at this point

"I like Barethon, I like his wife, I like that Red Witch, she's great--he's great and you know--I think a lot of people are going to support us." - Trump

"Yeah folks, I hate the Clintons. Because I could not escape them in life, I shall thwart them in death!" - Obama's lame duck anti-philosophy

"I love to laugh with Bill, but I know Huma won't bat an eye at any request I make." - Hillary

"Well look everybody--my brother is going to be a little different now. He's going to have gained a little weight and may lack hair to most appearances. You'll get him, folks, but he just doesn't speak straight English anymore." - George W., newly appointed head of Jeb! Campaign at the Emergency Press Conference

"Every 62 million years the solar system drifts to the northern frontier of the galactic plane, exposing it to higher levels of intergalactic cosmic radiation and precipitating mass extinctions, but I will always have a six-figure salary." - Anthony Weiner

"Men used to do the right thing and maintain multiple families secretly." - Phyllis Schafly

"No consequences for the right people, ever." - Tom Brady wearing that dumb hat he wears when he lies in public

"OUT DEMON!" - Al Gore violently beats his chest in a ceremony curing self-inflicted hiccup attack victims Eric Cantor and John Boehner

"Maybe some of the knowledge workers can't be saved, and maybe they shouldn't be." - Piketty

"Never forget, never cease to honor those who died in battle, for in doing so we forget the causes and results of conflict. It is thus that our Empire suspends Time and luxuriates forever in the sublimity of War." - Obama, end of Episode VII at Arlington

"A liberal is one who is only accidentally but always racist." - Matt Damon, Miracleman

         An Interlude by Night with Charlie Rose:

"There's only one ride I'll never turn down, the Caramel Carousel--make it, baby?" - Charlie Rose goes for last call bliss

"Save a line o' Jazz for your boy now." - Charlie at the Hep Note

"There's only one thing I take more seriously than golf, and that's Jazz." - Rose holds forth at Ruth Chris happy hour

Heheh Haw haw! "...and Jazz of course."
"Actually, Charlie, I don't really like Jazz, the one thi--"
"And that's all for tonight. Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, and to you all there out there, beyond, goodnight."
- 14 minutes of dead air

"You gotta do it, man."
"I know, old friend of mine, Master of Iron, but I just don't know what prescription drug I want to hawk."
- Arnold Palmer and CR

"Who did you really want to kill?"
"Aw, Charlie, folks at home don't want to know about that."
- CR and former President Obama, post-Portal

"Me? No, I don't tour outside south Florida anymore." - CR gets into a Tiger Cab in South Beach

"And what if 'Charlie Rose' is just an abstraction, a parody of something that might have been but never was, yet which will live on in all eternity?"
"Very clever haw haw."
- Jorge Ramos and CR

"Sleep is for people who can't see beyond the pale shade of society. Who can't see that all is a natural struggle between Races." - CR after starting the morning show

"Certain women you kiss, they taste of ash." - to Gayle King, pre-taping

III. TACK TO THE MIDDLE

"I watched Alien again." - Jimmy Carter to the Cabinet

"The only killer I respect is Lincoln." - El Chapo

"I can't wait until both Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders are heads of state and nothing is different."
- Tony Blair behind David Cameron in line to fuck a unicorn, Jade Pagoda, Pyongyang

"I've freaked my Dad out. I told him I don't want to breed. He seems to have taken comfort in the belief that it's an ecological matter. This is true to a great extent, but I also think that being a person is sort of a raw deal." - Lindsey Graham

"As regards Planned Parenthood, anyone who has watched this videotape--I dare Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama to watch these tapes... Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking, while someone says 'We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.'" - Carly Fiorina

"Do it."
"No, Bernie! Please!"
"We have to do it, Candy. We've got no choice now. Unleash the Dark Memes!"
- Bernie Sanders up against the wall at the Puerto Rican primary

"I lost my fucking mind in high falutin' Democratic fragility." - Historian Sean Wilentz on Bernie Sanders and/or his latest leftist freak out

"I mean, who's really to blame here?" - Clinton, at the conclusion of an incident set in motion by a series of schemes, casual lusts, and procrastinations

"Of course we're in fucking crisis, EVERYONE is--by design! Ah, well... if only, it's much more sinister and insane than that. The fact is the model of life we all live is crisis, along with unobtainable overlapping contradictory fantasies, imposed cynicism and personalized lies. Everyone whose life is not dominated by real terror and material impoverishment is fine, everything else is a bullshit scam and a prison of some kind. You're welcome to it." - John Boehner addresses the GOP Members Only Caucus on his resignation