On Eunuchs, Being a Warning to the Reader Against Their Strange and Irresistible Charms

“What’s the matter, Theodora?”
“I just can’t get that beautiful eunuch off my mind.”
- Justinian I & Theodora

“Eunuch is an ancient word for ‘celebrity.’” - Anderson Cooper visiting Tesla Headquarters on 60 Minutes

“Can’t win a war, huh? Too busy fiddling with your dick.” - Zheng He

“The decline of eunuchism makes it clear that any notion of human progress since the Renaissance is a lie.” - Michel Houellebecq

“In a Sex Empire, the man with no penis is king!” - Bryan Cranston abandons acting for Freedom from Genitalia Movement

“Have you ever danced with a eunuch in the pale moonlight?”
- Bill Clinton

“Yes, you’re right…” - a king, raised from birth to believe in his personal divine mandate to wield brute power over other men, heeds the counsel cooed in his ear by the beguiling sexless waif who dresses him

“The voice of a eunuch is as the rustling of grass… by a snake!”
- Aristotle to the young Alexander

“Lol, man, I could listen to eunuch jokes for 100 years.” - Marcus Aurelius

“Whoever wins the dance contest shall be spared the lions to continue to serve Our pleasure.” - Sen. Chevy Cruz to his eunuchs, Tampa Hippodrome

“What charity do you represent? Show your wrists, show your mark!”
- Lance Armstrong to a band of hooded eunuchs on horseback by torchlight

Putin Claims Nemstov ‘Overtaken by Eunuchs’

“I just like the convenience of bourgeois technical supremacy.”
- Martha Stewart on her Cyber Eunuch with Peter Usinov AI

“Surely migrant workers are cheaper than robot servants?”
“Of course they are, but what use is an invisible labor force as a status symbol?”
- Tim Cook and Jony Ive

“What do you mean you don’t have a eunuch?”
“Are you sure this guy is white?”
- Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein on Barbara J. Desoer

“The love of a eunuch is perfect because unobtainable. Without genital sex, how can you ever be sure?”
“That’s ridiculous. Non-genital sex is the only way to be sure.”
“You’re both wrong. Anything that can be bought can be had.”
“A man spends vast sums on a eunuch only to know the ecstasy of what wealth cannot buy, which in turn spurs him on to new heights of acquisition, new depths of expenditure. Love is not the consummation but eternal striving.”
- Clinton, Putin, Warren Buffet, and then Putin again at the Symposium

The Tiger, The Minnow, and The Shark

“I am the Dragon Father to the Tiger Mom.” - Lee Kuan Yew

“Lee Kuan Yew died.”
“Lee Kuan Yew, who’s that?”
“You know, the Singaporean dictator.”
“Dictator?! Gasp!"
- as heard at Davos

"It doesn't matter whether a cat is white or black as long as you can buy the cat." - Lee Kuan Yew

“Two, three, many Singapores.” - Michael Bloomberg

“Caning works in a nation of school boys.” - Thomas Friedman

"Oh, you don't need chewing gum, you have a Father now." - Lee Kuan Yew

“I can't quite remember how many people I've met from Singapore. One? Two? They were so indistinct.”
“Jesus, I had a piano teacher from Singapore for two years. I can't remember her name.”
- Jed Rubenfeld and Amu Chua

“Newly Sober Jon Hamm to Lead Sinaporean People, ‘Justly’”
- The New York Times

"If this one rich old man dies, maybe all the rich old men in China will too!" - The Economist

“Only the natives can save colonialism.” - Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung

"Progress can only be measured one Great Man at a time. If you quibble with Lee's legacy, then why didn't you stop him when you had the chance?" - Hillary Rodham Clinton, funeral oration

"What do you say about the man before whom all words lose their meaning?" - Marco Rubio watches the announcement with the Man on the Grassy Knoll, South Beach

“I love my wife like I love Princeton, through a sheet.” - Chevy Cruz

"He's a fine speaker and seems like a weird lay. He reminds me of the people who actually did the homework at Yale." - Clinton

"When I'm President we'll build the Way Back Machine and shall commune with the Founding Fathers, as is our Destiny!" - Cruz Control at Liberty U.

"I'm sorry, Senator Cruz, but you've consumed all the World's knowledge and all the Children's dreams." - Zeus appearing as a cloud of Urine to the Senator

"My plan to win the Young and Brown? Those people all love a weird fucking gozzle neck." - Sen. Cruz before shoving Chuck Todd into a cotton candy machine

"If it wasn't for these goddamn compression socks I'd challenge him to a duel." - Sen. Shirley Graham on the Cruz

"If I needed rum to make love to my wife like a regular Protestant, it's my hope that I'd sire a son like Ted." - Mitt on a walk with Tagg and Rafalca, La Jolla Shores

"How do I feel? However the Money does." - Jeb Bush

"I can see this man's soul.” - Putin, first meeting with President Cruz

“Pet the wolf? Worship him.” - Putin

“What if men or, better, a man could command, directly, the fear of others?” - Putin

"I have over one million social media accounts." - Putin

"Care for a glass of History?" - Putin, Donetsk

"I play charades, but I don't need a partner." - Putin

"If I had a son? Ivan!" - Putin

"A secret history!" - a young Putin interrupts an art class on Caravaggio, becoming the inspiration for Raul Ruiz and Pierre Klossowski’s The Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting

"Piss sitting down and you'll never be assassinated." - Putin

"I knew it was the time to divorce my wife when she began to demand spontaneity." - Putin

“Rules are rules.”
“Except when they aren’t.”
“That’s power.”
“No – rules.”
- Angela Merkel & Vladimir Putin

"All ships are women."
"Not mine, he is a boy."
- Adm. Mike Mullen confronts Putin

"Once the Putin Honorarium is delivered to the Volga, accept it into the city, and have Victory proclaimed in all Russias." - Putin's plan for peace

"In Putin We Trust" - inscription on an unidentified Eurasian Union coin excavated from unknown ruins near present day Astana by Sxotlveb, head archaeologist of the Jovian Lizard Hegemony

“Lucid dreaming.” - Putin on what it’s like to be him

News of the World

"We'll tell you how it is." - The Financial Times

"We'll sell you how it is." - The Economist

"Scheme! The Poor are coming!" - The Wall Street Journal

"Someone should really do something about it." - The New York Times

"Everyone's doing it." - Vice

"This is just how it works, but really shouldn't we all just have better manners." - Washington Post

"Sure." - L.A. Times

"We read this so you don't have to." - New York Review of Books

"NYRB turned David Bromwich down." - London Review of Books

"Dad's wrong, it's seasonal rain showers." - Vox

"You don't even fucking know the half of it." - The Guardian

"Remember when?" - The Village Voice