Thursday, February 19, 2015

The True Story of Brian Williams

“I feel you, bro.” - Al Gore to Brian Williams via Skype

“Let our forgiveness be as unmerciful as our revenge.” - Obama appears at NBC to calm the restless People

"I'm sorry Brian, you can keep your nut and perhaps Rock Center, but otherwise you may have to give up the trappings of power for awhile."
- Tom Brokaw

“I want you to find him, and I want you to break every bone in his body.” - Matt Lauer to local morning news teams

"The idea of a news anchor getting fired for lying about Iraq is beyond laughable. The very idea of it." - Dick Cheney

"The problem for Brian I think is that he never really beat his wife at games of skill or chance, and this is throughout the entire marriage."
- Jay Leno outside Denim Factory in a car

"If only he'd been given the Tonight Show when he wanted it, he'd have been paid to lie." - Conan

"This is why I stick to asking questions." - Charlie Rose

“Do you pretend to compete with Copernicus?” - Brian Williams' interrogator, Bryant Gumble, moves in for the kill

"No mortal man should be exposed to such putrid light!" - Dan Rather at his cabin door

"Windchill is for pussies." - Brian Williams, broadcasting bottomless from a hot tub

"Can you imagine their undercarriage in prior times?" - Brian Williams, off-camera with Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Neanderthals

"No fucking pad thai! I'm supposed to be allergic to peanuts for the trust." - Brian Williams

"JFK Jr. and I had a passionate steam shack fuck session one young hot summer on Cape Cod, but he swore me to secrecy until the time of his death." - Brian Williams lying to treating doctor, NBC 5 year Psych Evaluation Case File

"Yeah, I fucked a dolphin once." - Brian Williams, entry # 324

"Then the being of light prepared to leave the ship, and as it did so it looked upon us three astronauts and said, 'You were chosen.'"
- Buzz Aldrin and BW, trading lies

“Do what you want to me, but leave my daughter and the cast of Girls out of this.” - Brian Williams

"When I saw that daughter of his receiving unholy pleasure on TV, well I had to tell the world what I know." - same testimony from every Army pilot

"Allison Williams, god what a bombshell! That jaw!!” - Prince Harry to Drake

"The new trend is eating through your nose."
"Yeah, it is."
- Lena Dunham and Zosia Mamet to Allison Williams, Greenpoint set

"Let art be a thing of privilege as the ancients decreed. My children they are not for the sword or the spreadsheet as the hardier stock of yore, let them have the bauble of the arts and so bind them by Joy."
- a golden chain tied to a golden hand tied to a velvet wrist refracted through a reflection in a golden eye

"What a magnificent country we live in, where I can sit in my PJ's and eat strawberry ice cream while the USAF protects me from the Islamic Caliphate by raining hell from above with F-16's." - Brian Williams

"There is no War! There is no Will! There are no guts!" - Petraeus freaks on the stand, Williams puts head in hands at the defense table

"Every single person who watches the nightly news on a major American television network deserves to die, me most of all."
- Brian Williams, to Oprah

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