Saturday, May 3, 2014

Pounds Sterling

"Donald Sterling! You have been expelled from the League and are henceforth sentenced to wander the Wastes of the Inland Empire. Sentence to be executed immediately following blinding by the Mascots." - The High Commissioner

"Only the middle-class could think of this as a punishment, for only they lack the imagination to recognize the frisson, the thrill, the ecstasy. An 80-year-old man, banned from basketball, for life?" - Paul Allen voting No on Donald Sterling's banishment

"If the owners of multi-billion dollar enterprises can't openly display white-supremacist racial solidarity, then what's even the point?"
- Marge Schott

"Imagine how Donald Sterling's liver feels." - a teacher to her 7th grade homeroom after Channel One

"Rich people are being recorded in their idiocy! This is outrageous!"
- Las Vegas lawyer simulation Marc J. Randazza

“It’s the thought that counts.” - Stalin

"Real sports involve racquets." - Charles Murray

"Today the International Arabian Horse Institute has banned Colonel Sanders from the Kentucky Derby for life. The Colonel was recorded by his pony mistress ranting that female jockeys are cheaters because they 'lack genitalia.'" - Bob Costas

“Female jockeys!” - Hemingway throwing F. Scott Fitzgerald to the floor

"But what about the WNBA?!" - literally no one

“If a man shoot his girlfriend, but is wealthy, who killed her?"
- Henke Pistorius

"I for one am ready to fight inequality and back an increase in the minimum wage to $10. The President has to bargain! We'll accept that increase in the wage, but he must accept a rate of $11 for men." - Paul Ryan

"I finished my glass of Beaujolais. Getting up from my oak study desk, I shook my head and thought: Monsieur Piketty has made a terrible discovery. All the good I believed would come from my mindless and rapacious accumulation of capital was just creating more inequality."
- CEO of Gazprom, cold night at his dacha

“And then it hit me: If that Norwegian guy could write a book called Mein Kampf, why couldn’t I rewrite Capital?” – Thomas Piketty reading his dream journal aloud, TEDxSanta Barbara

"We're embarrassing ourselves as a class! There's only one true Buffet Rule: give Them whatever They want but no tax on the wealth!"
- Warren Buffet to a coven of rich people

“If Marxism is so great, where is its David Brooks?” - David Brooks

“People are ready to receive criticism of society only when it most resembles themselves. That’s why they shit on the idea of an all black-owned NBA, but when Princeton says we live in an oligarchy, it's ‘true.’” - Larry Johnson

"Narcissism trumps privilege every time, fuckers." - Tal Fortgang

"The amount of energy wasted on sports is the last bulwark against fascism in America.” - Bryant Gumble

"How about this: 'The events with Donald Sterling represent nothing less than the all encompassing and corrupting nature of sports in our country.' - the ghost of RFK leads Nicholas Kristof through the Inferno."
"Tell me more about what you mean by that."
"That sports has an inordinate amount of society's attention and resources and it corrupts institutions and is itself corrupt, decadent, and wicked. RFK and Kristof, I include because it's just the sort of syndrome of liberals to understand the obvious when it's too late, and because I think the Dante imagery accompanying them is asinine."
"I’d buy that for a dollar."
- from If You Can Read This, Send Us Your Social Security and Credit Card Information Now to Claim Your $10,000 Cash Prize!: Behind the Scenes at If You Can Read This, You're Lying

"If it happens in America, it is allegorized in sport." - Mitt

"At least cats have the decency to wait until their masters are dead before they start eating them." - Donald Sterling


  1. not so long ago i bought the oxford world classics edition of the divine comedy (sisson translation, intro and notes by higgins) - thanks for reminding me of my intention to read it (i read the inferno decades ago, but would like to get through the entire work)

  2. The Paris Review blog is doing a fun canto by canto "recap" of the Inferno in the style of prestige cable tv show blogs.