Falling Asleep at the Wheel of History

I. Over the Cliff

"I have a fool proof strategy that will accomplish nothing but continued stalemate while allowing me to keep my job." - John Boehner

"My asshole is self-cleaning!" - Paul Ryan

"Sequestration? Is that like fecal withholding?" - Dr. Koop

"What's all this spending you're railing against?"
"Spending is a feeling, Cokie."
- Eric Cantor

"As the weakness of communism is attested to by accidental scarcity, so the greatness of the capitalist system is confirmed by artificial scarcity." - Steven Levett and Stephen Dubner

"How about the Pentagon, the jobs, and the Iron Dream?"
"We believe, and the Heritage Foundation has done studies to show, that the Pentagon cuts will reduce incidence of Air Force rape."
- Jim Demint 

"I have this fantasy about being dipped in a lake of liquid nitrogen by the Ice Queen and then, while I remain fully conscious, she snaps off my extremities, one at a time, starting with my digits, then my limbs, then my tongue and my ears, and finally my member." - Saxby Chambliss in the Secret Steam Room

"Aaron, where's the spirit of the West Wing, the walking down hallways together?"

"I was freebasing cocaine when I wrote that."
- David Gregory and Aaron Sorkin trapped in an Acela rapidly filling with water

"Totally did not mean to gank yr lighter, yet it seems I did. That's just how degenerate I am: it's a reflex. Pity me, but do not forgive." - text message from Obama to Boehner after the Talks

"Self-destruction is tragic in individuals, predictable in institutions, and inevitable in civilizations." - Nate Silver on Prediction

"Yes, we're all living on borrowed time--borrowed from the future. Today that future has come to collect." - Xi Jinping, Day 0

II. Into the Ravine

"What I crave is not pleasure so much as intensity." - John Boehner, Club Fist, Day 1

"Why do anything when you could stay in all day and slowly kill yourself with Velveeta?" - the Ginch, Day 17

"The only way I can do hygiene is by thinking of it as a war against the self." - Bob Corker flossing until his gums bleed, Day 61

"There is no limit to how bad I can make myself feel.”
- Karl Rove, Day 127

"When the devil came, he was not red. He was a social scientist."
- Rand Paul, the Nursery, Day 523

"God, give us the strength to endure more of your torments." - shaman Lindsay Graham leads the Morlocks in sacrifice, Day 619

"Let hate be your laser." - Gen. Stanley DarkChrystal commands the Yale Leadership Seminar Special Forces in the Battle Against the Mechanical Birds, Day 743

"The things I've done to survive!"
“There is nothing in this world to feel guilty about.”
- Jay Carney and Lawrence Summers after the Defeat of the Children's Brigade, Day 1,051

"It's not too late, we can rebuild!"
"EAT HIM!!!"
- the Last Stand of Sergey Brin, Day 7,191

“They're all dead.”
“I’ll sleep when their ideas are dead.”
- Leader of the Resistance Chelsea Clinton, Last of the Sighted Paul Krugman, Day 15,073

"What do you publish?"
"Whatever burns."
- If You Can See This Ritual Dance Representing the Origin of the Cosmos in a Conflagration Caused By an Ancient Race of Warring Gods, You're Lying