Tuesday, July 7, 2015



"Things will change only gradually, and in such a manner that they fundamentally remain the same." - America

"The most important thing about all this Progress is that it was initiated top down." - Clinton Campaign

“All you need is your fucking Brooklyn apartment and your rainbow filter on your facial identification software-analysed photo and your fucking… Fuck these people." - Abu Bakr al Baghdadi

"You done good, queer. You done good." - slow zoom-in on Bill Paxton's tearing up face in Roland Emmerich’s Independence Gay

"Fathers, tell me about the brown woman from whose rented body you harvested me?"
"We don't know anything about her."
- Progress

"Everything I know about the interpreting the Law I learned from Paul Schraeder's Hardcore." - Antonin Scalia

"Let's do it, baby: polygamy, polyandry, group marriage, bestial union, all of it! All those loves which can be named are legal ." - Chief Cyborg Gelatin Justice Kennedy, The Maw v. The Sink Hole

"The creation of documents is the highest calling of the Law." - the Honorable Ole Judge Hawhaw Bossman to every shithead do-gooder 20-something

"It's precisely because there is no God that we must abase ourselves before Earthly might." - someone who makes memes about Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"I'm so damn cold! Gotta. Get. Naked." - paradoxical undressing victim Justice Samuel Alito

"I can't do this. I can't do this!" - Rick Santorum shambles out of bed hyperventilating after a failed attempt to make love to his wife

“I just drink three bottles of expensive champagne every night and dream of a city of endless fire.” - Jeb Bush on dealing with a low carb diet

“To me the basic fitness is run three miles and leap off a rolling flatbed truck to tackle a slave of Power.” - a better dimension where Che Guevara and Burt Reynolds are essentially the same person

"B-b-but how could I be the problem?!" - Vote For Hillary

"Why eat the cream? Because it's there." - Chris Christie on spontaneity in endless fundraising

"I made those eyes see, they're mine to blind." - Rand Paul crushes the glasses of an 8-year-old patient when she tries to pay with Obamacare

“The Democratic primary reminds me of poutine… mmmmm.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
- Al Gore and Bono bike riding

"Raise the dead!" - Jindall '16

"Ancient astronauts created Mexican culture." - Rand Paul

“All the old psychological defenses are new again with pervasive instant media and white infantilization!” - Donald Trump address to the APA

"It's not about rejecting the hicks, it's about being inclusive to all the different types of Americans who shop like hicks." - Wal-Mart takes a stand on the Confederate Flag

"Whites, as the unmarked race, are always the most in need of identity." - Lindsey Graham

"Internet hate forums, oblivious consumerist conformist family, horror of piedmont track suburb living, vague ideology of Southernism.” - FBI napkin profile

"The only way out of what one feels to be a damaging subculture is to burrow deeper and deeper within until the only option is break or buy. At that moment you'll make everything fit, goddam the consequences." - Nikki Haley

“White lives matter? Believe me, they do not.” - Stalin

"If Sherman hadn't burned my great grand paw paw's plantation, we might be one of the great pork families of Georgia." - Saxby Chambliss's mistress Chablis gets misty-eyed in Savannah

"Hicks like synthetic opiates because they are drugs you can Consume." - Dr. Chuck Pillwriter

“Ecological sin!” - Red Nuns and Black Cardinals, cleaning the Earth in the service of Santa Muerte

“The trick is to move to New England, not to stay there.” - Bernie Sanders

“They say every child born in VT has traces of his Seed in their DNA.” - Arianna Huffington on the Sandman

"A better world is possible--for the strong." - bandito Paul Krugman

“The people are making demands and doubting the efficacy of the old gods” - Conservative Citizen Council, opening agenda of every meeting

"President Nixon shall have his share of the Eternal." - Patrick Buchanan

“You know, my father gloated the day Nixon died, he truly hated him.”
“All the fathers did, but they carried a little Nixon in their heart.”
- George Clooney, Amal Ramzi

"You're a terrible father."
"Really? I always thought I was like Brad Pitt in Tree of Life."
- Jeb and George Sr.

“Let's be real, everyone else's dad is a fucking punk compared to Uncle Joe.” - FDR to the assembled Allied Command on Father’s Day

"And then just to show me what a sonuvabitch he was, he fired me and finished the memo himself and panned his own wife's southeast asian aid policy." - at the Clinton Foundation

"Hillary is my rock," he lied, coolly.

"Hey guys... What are you doing?"
"Oh just, um, playing a game!"
"What sort of game is that?"
"Oh just a game, you know... a most dangerous game..."
- Scott Walker walks in on Mitt holding a bowie knife to the neck of a bedraggled, wild-eyed Tagg

"How many dirty thistles are trampled under foot, yet the seed thrives... New life carried aloft on the wind that is also the whisper of death... ‘neath a starlit sky, cold and bright, like wheat fields that bear no fruit... Your road shall be the Milky Way, Young Rider, e'en as the Indians have told..." - George W Bush to Qassem Suleimani, observing the Venus-Jupiter Conjunction, Prairie Chapel Ranch

"To me, it will always be 'ISIS.'" - Donald Rumsfeld


"One way or another, a person's got to get themselves into the Death Cult business." - a local psychiatrist on drug cartels, jihadist groups, and counter-terrorism forces

"Here there are dimensions within dimensions, manifolds within manifolds..." says the silver man in the crimson cape with the golden eye as he slips the ring of power upon your finger binding you to the darkness forever 

"It's fucking Jenga for you, Xenu!" - Tom Cruise burns down the Gold Base

"All things are possible in this world, by the grace of God..." sayeth the blind sheik Jimmy Carter

"The Horn of Africa is an actual horn, if you blow it the dead will rise." - the blind sheik Jimmy Carter

"Ba'al will wipe the Muselmans away like sand from marble, but like sand they shall cling and fester between toes of the foot that tread on them." - Sheik Carter communes with Gen. DarkChrystal via the Mirror Pond in the Palace Beneath the Dunes

"What did you expect to find beneath the Boulder of Bone--a bed of flowers?" - Sheik Carter to George Packer

"Decency won't save us." - Dick Cheney

"The wogs have to be run like a business." - Special Meeting of the Troika, the Norway Fund, the Saudi Fund and the remaining shareholders of Sbarro

"Belgium will be great again!" - Elon Musk partners with Belgium to open a rubber euthanasia plant in DR Congo

“The only thing that can surpass Capitalism is an infinite, synchronized Harmony of Willing…” - Mark Zuckerberg in the Palace of Jade, the hand of Xi Jinping clasped firmly on his shoulder

"The end of history means never having to learn again." - The Internet of Things

"Man is the first and only creature to comprehend its mortality, individually and as a species, and therefore any cost is justified in the effort to prevent this intelligence from extinction."
"Survival is for animals. Man's duty is not to survive, but to accept the luxurious gift of death."
- Elon Musk, Marco Rubio

"Drink the gold!" - St. California

"Thanks to relativistic time dilation, the work day in principle never has to end. However, it would be unrealistic to expect Variable Capital to maintain peak productivity for the entire Duration. Too many start-ups have gone Supernova as a result of over-reliance on Disciplinary Factors to prevent their Entropic Curve from surpassing their Curve of Organic Consistency. That's why the best approach to sustainable enterprise building is to foster an attitude of cynical compliance amongst Variable Capital. Let them think they are Non-Determined Functions and structure their workflow to account for inevitable slackness while applying only as much Terror necessary for the resultant ass-covering to maintain profit margins." - McKinsey, Arachnos, and Portal

"Acquire, and become closer to what you imagine loves you back." - Efficient Lines of Code

"What has the extension of human life expectancy beyond the age of 30 accomplished besides the prolongation of servitude? What is a majority in the present but a tyrannical minority in relation to the countless generations to come who will be freed by our crimes? Everyday you don't revolt is a day you consent to, and deserve, your subjection." - bandito Paul Krugman, the Campaign to Reinvent Love

"You will renounce."
- Mitt to Tagg, tied up on the rack, The Cola Wars

"A black hood, the whir of a hand cranked battery being charged, the snap of electricity: What is a prelude to truth, Alex?" - Kathryn Bigelow, Blacksite Celebrity Actual Jeopardy

"Doctor, doctor, my heart!"
"What is it, boy?"
"My heart, it’s so cold!"
"Do you feel it squeezing?"
"Yes! Oh god Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
"It's the cold hand of the Reaper, boy."
"Oh god, Doctor, give me the sweet merciful gift of death!"
"What do you think this is, boy? Belgium?"
- Ole Dr. John Boehner to Frostbite and Narwhal Attack Victim Eric “Nanouk” Cantor, Yukon Territory

“He'd stop a’sliverin' if I delivered the burnin' husk!"” - Scott Walker torches a D.C. mansion to appease new internet meme the Slivery Man

“Be sure to check the correct box on the form.” - George HW Bush slowly pulling a revolver from his hospital gown

"He's all the cars!" - Jay Carney to NORAD Command after Elon Musk achieves singularity


"Don't be afraid of the love that chooses you." - Bill Clinton

"You're not President anymore, you can't just make things happen."
"Fuck you and fuck the guinea worm."
- Jimmy Carter goes for bliss

“H-bombs! Ecology Bombs! Sex Bombs! Information Bombs!” - Paul Virilio accosts Pope Francis as the Pink Nun

"If you could only date a woman with the world's greatest ass, or a woman with the world's greatest tits, which would you choose and why?"
"I would rather die than live in such a world."
- Al Gore and Bill Clinton on the Infinity Couch

"Draw forth the humors!" - Bill Clinton breaks to masturbate

“And I asked myself: 'What's a Minotaur doing in my bed where my wife should be?'" - Mike Huckabee

"I invented glamcore." - Bill Clinton

"Nerd culture and Men's Rights will never amount to anything without a Sting-figure." - Sting

“Break me off some of that rock, Kool-Aid man!” - Ronald Reagan campaigns in inner-city Philadelphia for the 1984 Presidential Campaign

"Let's take the truck out for one last fuck!" - Matthew McConaughey

"Loads! Right, blokes? haw haw haw!" - Sean Bean in a pub on the birds

"I was happiest as a boy! Oy I’d rather be sleepin’ it off on a cot by a coal stove!” - Sean Bean

"A woman's sex is not a clean place to put your hands." - Terrence Howard

"Shine up this chair with that varnish, show me who you fucking are!" - FDR to a Ziegfeld girl, flames, laughter, wild late night clarinet runs

"Slake the thirst of the Ancients." - the Voice

"Homogenized milk? How can you drink that shit?" - Foodie Clinton slaps a carton from Al Gore's hand, curds still speckling his lips

“The commune! the barricades! A post-restoration atmosphere of social climbing and mystical orientalist revenge!” - Classified State Dept. Memo on Power Vacuums

"A hot fuck on a lava field is what every man deserves!" - FDR, the Territory of Hawaii

"Oh they were big back in the 90's, or as I call them, the Late 80's." - Michael Douglas explains neon sunglasses to his grandchildren

“Upside down! A man could die at any moment!” - T.R. vampire fucking some mules

"That thigh gap tho..." - Teddy Roosevelt, Carnegie Stables

"All that matters is jazz and tail." - young GI Bill Clinton snapping his fingers to Max Roach in a dingy jazz bar on a hot summer day in Occupied Tokyo

“Only God can judge us.” - Miley Cyrus

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