Providence

“Yes, God?”

"Man is the technology of God's self-overcoming." - Sergey Brin

"Man invented God to give meaning to his self-destruction by witnessing it." - Bowe Bergdahl

"God invented fucking so He could watch!" - Pope Balloon Catheter IV

"You think you're looking God in the eye, but really it's his asshole."
- Al Gore on why he left politics

"God dwells inside the flesh of men. He wants to be set free." - Alan Dershowitz to Michel Foucault, The Barracks

“Only God forgives, and all forgiveness springs from Him alone. Therefore, a single-payer system is blasphemy, for man must not usurp the office of the Lord.” – Edward Snowden before converting to the Orthodox Church

“‘Religion’ is an oxymoron. The very idea of it implies the coexistence of multiple ‘faiths’ that, to be understood as such, must share common denominators. But the True has nothing in common with the False. Therefore, there is no such thing as religion. There is only the fact of God, my God, who circumscribes the boundaries of my world, and the fact of the inhumanity of those Others who, because they have no relationship to God, have no relationship to me. What we must do is wipe away the historical conditions which make ‘religion’ possible, so that people, my people, will have a more sincere, atavistic intimacy with the Divine, and more honest relationship to the Enemy.”
- Ross Douthat

“God is just a name for the limits of our understanding. This explains why both the learned and the ignorant understand things in terms of God. The ignorant, because the less one understands, the more one sees God, and so the ignorant see God in everything. The learned, because when their inquiries come to an end, what remains unexplained is God. If nothing remains, then the thought of the learned is the thought of God, and so the learned see God in the mirror. Yet if something does remain unexplained after even the most exhaustive inquiries, then this is proof of God’s real existence as something other than the fantasies of the ignorant or the narcissism of the learned.”
- Putin, accepting an honorary doctorate from the Donetsk State University of Management

"Let us raise great Walls in human understanding, the better to secure our academic fiefdoms!" - Neil de Grass Tyson 

"God is a white man." - Arizona State Motto

Lance & Friends

"Yeah, I helped kidnap those Nigerian girls." - Lance Armstrong via satellite, Sky News

"I'll pay the fine and buy the girls and ensure their return if Magic Johnson gets on his knees and admits he was it that killed Christ!"
- Donald Sterling with Anderson Cooper

“I am the Turin Horse of world sport.” - Lance

“I’ll ride Qatar into the fucking ground like a mongrel! I can’t believe FIFA would do this to Big Bill, with Spike and Brad Pitt watching... It’s only begun, our dance.” - Bill Clinton after smashing a mirror in his Zurich hotel room, 2022 World Cup Host Country Announcement

“He’d better have an anxiety disorder, he murdered his fucking girlfriend.” - Lance on Oscar Pistorius, Sports Center

"I told you it would end like this." - Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes

"Big Women have no place on bikes." - Sec. of Transportation Lance Armstrong, Rubio Administration

“I’m leaving my job as White house Press Correspondent in order to spend more time exploring my sexual horizons.” - Jay Carney, press conference

“I’m a white man. I have to follow my desires.” - Jay Carney breaks the news to his wife

“You can’t quit on me, pal, I’ll make everything you love disappear like that!” - President Obama, slapping his palm on a copy of Capital in the Twenty-First Century

"The only escape plan I ever needed was divorce." - Lance on the Thai Coup

“Dissent with your sperm, obey with your cock.” - Zhang Yimou

“My message to Liu Han is, I feel you, man. We didn't break the rules. We played by the secret ones." - Lance, RT

“Sing a song of Power!” - Peng Liyuan

“This June 4th, let us remember nothing.” - Jiang Zemin

“I am the Tank Man.” - Lance Armstrong

"How much economic growth is the life of one student worth?"
- Kevin Jennings

"Look, Chinese people, I know family is, like, this thing for you, and history shows that your capacity for self-delusion is limitless, but look: all those people on that fucking airplane are dead." - compensated Malaysia Airlines spokesperson Lance Armstrong

"There are no Chinese People, only packs of yellow dogs." - Xi Jinping 

“What if they go down to that black box and they find Satan?!”
- Tony Abbot

"Our real problem here is that Malaysians are given the power of flight." - Ann Coulter

"Global Warming is caused by people who don't ride bikes and who ask way too many fucking questions." - Lance

“What I most regret about 2004 is never getting the chance to cultivate a friendship with Lance Armstrong.” - John Kerry

“I’m in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but only as a sideman.” - Lance

“I can’t tell you, Lance, what satisfaction it gives me, a man whose job it is to lay the groundwork for flying robots to carry out extrajudicial murders of American citizens, to lecture degenerates on justice.”
- John Kerry to an empty chair, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse

“Your tears do not move me. Eat your vegetables. You want to grow up to be a big, strong liar.” - Lance

“Skype with your kids.” - Bill Clinton public service announcement billboard

“I hope my children take a trade.” - Lance

“Don’t be a pussy.” - John Kerry’s email to Edward Snowden, accidentally sent to his entire contact list

“Palestinian elections are the exceptions that proves the rule.” - Bibi

"I often come across migrants stranded in the desert on my Ultra Rides. I supposed I could stop to save them or at least offer comfort before they perish, but it would shave seconds off My Time." - Lance, Perpetual Training

"The wine is on me!" - King Juan Carlos partying with Antonio Banderas, Lil B, and Lance Armstrong