Fuck of July

I. WHERE ARE THE SNOWDENS OF YESTERYEAR?

"There is no asylum." - the 21st Century

"I'm happier than a pig in shit!" - Glenn Greenwald

"You cannot shear a lipstick pig." - Vladimir Putin

"All the sheep ran into the sea! Edward Snowden led them..."
- John Boehner dying of gout in Cypress

"I want to burn your playhouse down." - Anna Chapman comes on to Edward Snowden in an extremely frightening and sexy way

“There is room enough for both of us at this white devil’s table.”
- Barack Hussein Obama to his reflection, the Reagan Library bathroom mirror after giving the Order

"Look, Pfc. Manning is a naive and confused kid who haphazardly released the material he did out of a sincere if simplistic sense of justice and moral duty, and for this he deserves nothing less than life in prison." - Special Prosecutor Lindsay Graham

"I have no son!!!" - Barack Obama in response to Chuck Todd's question about Bradley Manning's fate

II. AMERIPORN

"SONY is giving veterans a free pass to see White House Down today! Liberty!" - Will Smith on a slow boat to China, Sea Org

"You hicks have got it all wrong! Immigration reform can do for the security industry what the war on terrorism did for the security industry or the war on drugs did for the security industry." - Marco Rubio persuades House Republicans to come around

"The Browns are more fertile, that's reason enough for me." - Jeb Bush on The Next Day

"What if we were led slowly through the desert and whipped bloody with chains, caking under the sun?"
"Grandpa what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Cormac McCarthy at Disneyland

"Did you know the left hemisphere of my brain came straight out in a donkey and bicycle accident?" - Ronnie to Nancy

"What do you think you're doing?!"
"Making love, that's what!"
"That's not making love!
- Patti, Dick, and Checkers

"He has an extremely attractive widow." - Larry Ellison on Steve Jobs

"The real heart of this is Huma's Tom Ripley-esque infatuation with Hillary. Now that's Will to Power. Not like him. He had his chance to be Beyond Good and Evil the first time he got caught, and he blew it. That's what people are so angry about. Because he refuses to accept the same punishment second time round, people see his resignation from Congress for what it really was: pandering." - Bill Clinton to Eliot Spitzer, Scores Midtown

"What do I have to say? I'll say it." - Huma Abedin o'erleaps the People on the Road to Power

"If Quinn is Mayor and Spitzer is Comptroller, it'll be like when there were two popes!" - NYPD DCPI Paul J. Browne

"There's nothing left but dust and smut." - George Will looks out appalled over the stands at a Washington Senators game

"Why don't you vote in midterm elections?"
"We demand popular dictatorship!"
- Anderson Cooper and College Democrats, Bowdoin College, Maine

III. EGYPTIAN ICED COFFEE

"Hickarchy now, hickarchy forever!" - Morsi

"Long live the new kemalism!" - Liberals

"You must respect the Will of the People, but leave Money and Violence to us." - SCAF, communique to Morsi

"Islamists defending democracy?" - George W. Bush slowly walking into the reservoir fully clothed

"Democracy is like instant coffee: it's only good while it's fresh."
- Mohamed ElBaradei

"A regime that can't prevent a coup with 48 hours notice is no regime at all." - Pervez Musharraf collecting rubber balls after recess, Islamabad City Jail

"I'm too terrified to feel relief, but we're fine with it." - Coptic Christians

"We're all Egyptians here, but we are the Egyptians with guns." - SCAF addresses the Rebel Alliance

"No, no, there can only be two sides to every issue, and the solution an equal point between them!" - David Gregory interrupting a reporter on the ground

"These events illustrate why you must never let near the gears of Power any individual or group, no matter how sinister and self-serving they may be, if circumstances could ever cause their self-interest to overlap with that of the Masses. The New Egypt had the misfortune of coming into being with its military so positioned, if not necessarily so disposed. This is why elsewhere we must remain vigilante and swat down pesky flies like Bo Xilai or Mikhail Khodorkovsky, whose malevolence is otherwise unimpeachable, as soon as they are within reach. Ultimately, it is a question of constitution: how to structure Power so that it is immune to the People." - Xi Jinping, Harvard Kennedy School

"What we are witnessing is a masterclass in frictionless Terror."
- Timothy Cook

"Do over!" - Mubarak

IV. SUPREME CUNT OF THE UNITED STATES

"The problem is, the People vote." - C. J. Roberts, Shelby v. Holder

"Nigga please." - Justice Thomas, concurring opinion

"Three cheers for the Race!" - Charles Murray

"If there's one region we can trust, it's the South." - Anthony Kennedy to his parakeet/chief clerk Chiquita Warren

"If a vote is cast and nobody counts it, was O. J. guilty?" - George Zimmerman

"In summation, the proponents of Proposition 8 lacked standing to defend the amendment in lieu of the State because Desire is its own law." - Ruth Bataille Ginsberg, Hollingsworth v. Perry

"Why'd you do it, Tony?"
"I'm not expanding rights, whelp! I'm taking away Democrat wedge issues. Hiss!!!"
- Clerk Billy and J. Anthony Kennedy eyes all a flash

"You can't shoot me--it's illegal!" - Nino Scalia on the first episode of Miami Vice

V. BLACK BABIES

“Do you know what freedom is? Freedom is strength. Freedom is power. Freedom is whatever you’re capable of.” - George Zimmerman

“The system works! The Gun is safe again!” – John Roberts

"My experiences are the only experiences that are real and the only experiences that matter." - the Vanishing Whites

“It’s not that black lives must be valued less than others but that the fears of the majority must be held in their proper place of honor.”
– Newt Gingrich

"There are ways of killing that make life seem meaningless and ways of killing give life its meaning." - Georgia Attorney General Sam Olens on Warren Lee Hill

“Violence is political when the point is not to kill people but the ideas for which they are vectors.” – Call of Duty Six: Neighborhood Watch

“A man who does not think of death does not think.” – Juror B37

“I wonder if my blog post can do Trayvon Martin justice.” – the Internet

“The only way to live forever is to hurt as many people as you can.”
- Bashar al-Assad and George Zimmerman vacationing in Beirut

VI. BREEDERS

"Now, turn him over to my hand." - HM

"That should have been my baby!" - Georgina Bloomberg, storming the gates of Windsor Castle

"I congratulate the Duke and Duchess on their successful coitus and reproduction, and thus ensuring that an unfortunate and random child will be their Commonwealth's future head of state." - Barack Obama

"I think everything is possible: helicopter strafes over Taliban villages, polo games to the death, Aunt Fergie, slaving, regattas in the Mediterranean on black ships, Commonwealth brothels, benediction, American teenagers in Los Vegas or Dubai, picnics, water parks, and maybe a cry or two." - Harry Wales on his plans with his new nephew, Daily Mail

"As to whether the boy and one of the First Daughters will breed and thus create a true Master Race, one can only speculate." - Jay Carney, Press Briefing

"Disraeli!!!" - Harry Wales and a bottle of Teachers destroying tapestries with a rake

"Well, I'm not going to be his damn butler if that's what you mean."
- Michael Caine boarding a plane for Portugal

New York Fucking City

“I will fuck again!” – Eliot Spitzer

“Never stop feeling and touching, never surrender!” – Anthony’s Weiner’s Last Stand

“God forgives those who repeat.” – Spitzer/Weiner/Sanford/Saint John Paul II

“All my life I’ve just been waiting for the right ladder to climb, the right people to kick down the rungs below me.”
“What about your family?”
- Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer, Scores Midtown

“A white man’s denial is the burden of all of society.” – Huma Abedin

“The re-election of Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner to public office will be for wives what the acquittal of George Zimmerman was always going to be for black people.” – Silda Spitzer

“In order for Spitzer and Weiner not to win, Zimmerman would have had to have been convicted.” - Rachel Jeantel

"I exist, and I just avoid metro transit at peak hours, and I try to relax."
- Scott Stringer talking into a comb inside his daughter's closet

"I'm gonna fuck this rolled up copy of the New York Post!"
- Peter T. King

“I think it’s an insulting comparison, frankly. I’m nothing like him, as a man or a politician. A dick isn’t for taking pictures of: it’s for fucking people over with. It must be a generational thing. Weiner’s only a little bit younger than me, but he thinks it’s all tweets and twats and locker room pranks, sleep over parties and games of spin the bottle. He doesn’t get it’s about money and cocks and fucking Power. You see where that kind of truth-or-dare bullshit gets you: a wife who is more powerful than you are.” – Eliot Spitzer on Charlie Rose

“Whether they win or lose, we shall have our cynicism to blame.”
– Christine Quinn

“Let my defeat be the silver lining of Christine Quinn’s inevitable triumph.” – Anthony Weiner

“This town isn’t big enough for the three of our cocks.” – New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton

 “In some ways I guess I never left the frat house.” – Anthony Weiner coming to grips with defeat in an East Jerusalem settlement

What The Hot Summer Day Hissed In My Ear

“Love is in the air, blotting out the sun.” – Justin Beiber

“This is about sex, it always was and it always will be.” – Mark Sanford in a three-way standoff, Belize

“Walk away from your life and join me for a desert cruise.” - Sting

“What is the most romantic thing anyone has said to you?”
“‘Let me share in your body, and you shall share in my empire.’”
- Barbara Walters, Wendi Deng-Murdoch

"There is a whole sex which has no concept of honor."
- Serena Williams

“Beautiful women get their lifelong sense of entitlement from being coddled by their fathers.” – Jon Voight

“It wouldn’t surprise you at all to learn that I’m a sex addict, would it?”
– Michael Pollan

“To be young is to be tormented by desire.” – Teddy Roosevelt, running his fingers through the argent mane of a young colt, eyes all agog…

"I imagine it's like testifying before Congress." - Bono on the female orgasm

"In the future men will fuck rocks and beasts!" - J. Scalia

"Little boys are the Third Way." - Bill Clinton in Plato's Symposium

“It’s a fuckin sexy time, man!” – Jeff Bridges on his ‘health club’

"If Tom Cruise wishes to continue your visit at the Abode past sunset, he will let you know by kissing you on the lips. This decision is not by party." - disclaimer

"To me parties always feel like a celebration of the fact that everyone else is having sex." - George Lucas at his wedding

“Stick your dick in the lava pit!” - Friday night

"I've seen The Vacation in all its spheres of tragedy and its enduring false promise of relief from existence. I've seen cars exploding on the beach traffic-strewn highways of Alabama; fat, fading fathers outside Bahamian jewelry shops, desperately calling home for more credit; young, white Americans studying abroad in Europe, aching for a hook up and finding only gourmet cheese; dead-eyed toddlers battered to shore by ceaseless waves; Brits who double as stand up comedians and magicians and fail at both--but damn don't the people clap."
- Conrad Hilton denouncing everything he ever loved from an iron lung Carnival Cruise Shareholder's Meeting

"If in the long term we are all dead, then in the short term we are all fucked." - Paul Krugman in St. Croix after spilling his entire blue frozen margarita all over his shirt front

Q: Why do we cry when we are happy?
A: Because we are strangers to happiness.

“At first you start out all itchy and horny, and then once you get a taste, it becomes a craving, like it’s not even you but some animal inside you, you go mad for it, crazy for it, you can’t get enough of it, and then there’s the fear, fear that your very insatiability is a sign that what you so desperately need, not that it will go away some day, but that it is already gone.” – Jack Nicholson in a terrible, lost film by Woody Allen

“It’s like the stars I used to navigate these waters have all disappeared.” - John Boehner, not knowing why everything seems different before suddenly and catastrophically realizing that it is because he is in love

“The love any random group of men has for each other is pure as mountain snow compared to the love of a mother for her child, or a wife for her husband.” - Alan Chambers

"Look at the bright side: at least you're not Chinese men under 35!"
- Bill Clinton